
Glass. 
Book 






.1 



.Ia\ 



HISTORY 



OF 



N E W-Y O E K 



V{a.s»n\agt^c\ Xxv'in^. 



A 

HISTORY 

OF 

N E W Y O R K, 

FROM THE 

BEGINNING OF THE AVORLD 

TO THE 

ExND OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 

CONTAINING , 

AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 

THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 

THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 

AND THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER 

THE HEADSTRONG. 
THE "^REE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF HEW AMSTERDAM : 

Being the only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been 
published. 

IN TWO VOLUMES. 
FOURTH AMERICAN EDIT! OX, 



BY,DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER. 



VOL. I. 



T>z tDaarfjeiU uie in tim^tec lag, 
Die komt met ltUarl)?iD aan Dcn uag* 

J^ETV'YORK: 

Printed by C. S. Van Winkle, 
No. 2 Thames-street. 



1824. 



Southern District of Mw- Yo7-k, ss. 

BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the twenty-first day of Novem- 
ber, in tl)e forty-eighth year of the Independence of the United States 
of America, C. S. Van Winkle, of the said District, hatli deposited in 
this office the title of a book, the right whereof he claims as Pro- 
prietor, in the words following, to wit : 

<* A History of New-York, from the beginning of the world to the 
end of the Dutch Dynasty. Containing among many surprising and 
curious matters, the Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, 
the Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivah-ic 
Achievements of Peter the Headstrong. The three Dutch Governors 
of New-Amsterdam. Being the only Authentic History of the Times 
that ever hatli been published. In Two Volumes. Fourth American 
Edition. By Dledrich Knickerbocker. 

De waarheid die in duister lag, 

Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag." ' 

In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, en- 
titled, *' An Act for the encouragement of Learning by securing the 
copies of Maps Charts and Books, to tl}e Authors and Proprietors of 
Siich copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to an 
Act entitled " An Act supplementary to an act entitled An Act 
for the encouragement of Learning by securing the copies of Maps, 
Charts and Books to the Authors and Proprietors of such copies 
during the times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits there- 
of to the arts of designing, engraving and etching* historical and 
other prints." 

'' . ; JAMES DILL, 

' 'Clerk of the Southern District of JYew- York^ 






CONTENTS 



OF 



VOL. L 



Account of the author Page x 

Address to the public xxiii 

BOOK I. 

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSO- 
PHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND 
POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE 
HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

Chap. I. — Description of the World 31 

Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World , with 
a multitude of excellent theories, by which the creation 
of a world is shown to be no such difficult matter as 
common folk would imagine 40 

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noali, was 
shamefully nick-named; and how he committed an 
unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With 
the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and 
the discovery of America 5 2 

Ghap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers 
have had in peopling America — xlnd how the Abori- 



CONTENTS. 

gines came to be begolten by accident — to the great 
relief and satisfaction of the Author . . . • 60 
Chap, V. — In which the Author puts a mighty question 
to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon 
— which not only delivers thousands of people from 
great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this in- 
troductory book 69 

BOOK II. 

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE 
OF NIEUW-NEDERLANDT9. 

Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a 
man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master 
Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country 
— and how he was magnificently rewarded by the mu- 
nificence of their High Mightinesses .... 90 

Chap. II — Containing an account of a mighty Ark which 
floated, under the protection of St. Nicholas, from 
Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of the strange 
Animals therefrom — a great victory, and a description 
of the ancient village of Communipaw . . . 104 

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making 
a bargain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of cer- 
tain heroes of Communipaw 113 

Chap, IV. — How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged 
to Hell-Gate, and how they were received there 122 

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned 
somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage 
Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
dreamed 136 

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and 
of the founding of the great city of New-Amsterdam 

142 

Chap. VII. — How the city of New-Amsterdam waxed 
great, under the protection of OlofFe the Dreamer 151 



CONTENTS. 

BOOK iir. 

IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF 
WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 

Chap. I.— Of the renewed Wouter Van Twiller, his un- 
paralleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom 
in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent 
Bleecker — and the great admiration of the public 
thereat 159 

Chap. II Containing* some account of the grand coun- 
cil of New- Amsterdam, as also divers especial good 
philosophical reasons why an alderman should be fat — 
with other particulars touching the state of the pro- 
vince 169 

Chap. III. — How the town of New-Amsterdam arose 
out of mud, and came to be marvellously polished and 
polite — together with a picture of the manners of our 
great great grandfathers 181 

Ch4p. IV. — Containing farther particulars of the Golden 
Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman 
in the days of Walter the Doubter 191 

ChAp. V. — In which the reader is beguiled into a delect- 
able walk, which ends very differently from what it 
commenced 199 

Chap. VI. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of 
Connecticut and thereabouts — Showing, moreover, the 
true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curious de- 
vice among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a har- 
mony of intercourse, and promote population . 206 

Chap. VII. — How these singular barbarians turned out to 
be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, and 
attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery 
of bundling 213 

Chap. Vllf.— How the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully 
beleaguered — how the renowned Wouter fell into a 
profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated . 220 



CONTENTS. 
BOOK IV. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIflN OF 
WILLIAM THE TESTY. 

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in g-eneral : con- 
taining- furthermore the universal acquirements of Wil- 
liam the Testy, and how a man may learn so much as 
to render himself g-ood for nothing 229 

Chap. II. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a 
ruler of universal genius. The art of fighting by pro- 
clamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van 
Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at fort Goed 
Hoop 241 

Chap. Ill — Containing the fearful wrath of William the 
Testy, and the great dolour of the New-Amsterdam- 
mers ; because of the affair of fort Goed Hoop. And, 
moreover, how William the Testy did strongly fortify 
the city. — Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brink- 
kerhoff 250 

Chap. IV. — Philosophical reflections on the folly of 
being happy in times of prosperity. — Sundry troubles 
on the southern frontiers. — Kow William the Testy 
had well nigh ruined the province through a cabalistic 
word — As also the secret expedition of Jan Jansen 
Alpendam, and his astonishing reward .... 260 

Chap. V. — How William the Testy enriched the province 
by a multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of 
lawyers and bum-bailiffs. And how the people became 
exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his in- 
structions 271 

Chap VI. — Of the great pipe plot — and of the dolorous 
perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown 
by reason of his having enlightened the multitude 281 

Chap. VII. — Containing divers fearful accounts of Bor- 
der wars, and tlie flagrant outrages of the Moss- 
troopers of Connecticut — with the rise of the great 
Amphyctionic council of the east, and the decline of 
William the Testv 289 



ACCOUNT 

OF 

THE AUTHOR. 



It was some time, if I recollect right, in the 
early part of the autumn of 1808, that a stranger 
applied for lodgings at the Independent Colum- 
bian Hotel in Mulberry street, of which I am 
landlord. He was a small, brisk looking old gen- 
tleman, dreseed in a rusty black coat, a pair of 
olive velvet breeches, and a small cockedhat. He 
had a few gray hairs plaited and clubbed behind, 
and his beard seemed to be of some eight-and-for- 
ty hours growth. The only piece of finery which 
he bore about him, was a bright pair of square 
silver shoe buckles, and all his baggage was con- 
tained in a pair of saddle bags, which he carried 
under his arm. His whole appearance was some- 
thing out of the common run ; and my wife, who 
is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for 
some eminent country schoolmaster. 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very 
small house, I was a little puzzled at first where 
to put him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with 
his looks, would needs put him in her best cham- 

VOL. I. 2 



X ACCOUNT or 

ber, which is genteelly set off with the profiles of 
the whole family, done in black, by those two 
great painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands 
a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the 
Collect, together with the rear of the Poor House 
and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital ; 
so that it is the cheei^fullest room 'in the whole 
house. 

During the whole time that he stayed with us,' 
we found him a very worthy good sort of an old 
gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. He 
would keep in his room for days together, and if 
any of the children cried, or made a noise about 
his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, 
with his hands full of papers, and say something 
about " deranging his ideas ;" which made my 
wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether 
compos. Indeed, there was more than one reason 
to make her think so, for his room was always co- 
vered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, 
laying about at sixes and sevens, which he would 
never let any body touch ; for he said he had laid 
them all away in their proper places, so that he 
might know where to find them ; though for that 
matter, he was half his time worrying about the 
house in search of some book or writing which he 
had carefully put out of the way. I shall never 
forget what a pother he once made, because my 
wife cleaned out his room when his back was 
turned, and put every thing to rights ; for he 



THE AUTHOR. XI 



swore he would never be able to get his papers in 
order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my wife 
ventured to ask him what he did with so many 
books and papers ? and he told her, that he was 
*' seeking for immortahty ;" which made her think 
more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's 
head was a little cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not 
in his room was continually poking about town, 

hearing all the news, and prying into every thing 

tlral vr«o govrxg r»n • this was ^>cxn,x^^^^ i^ ^, ^^ 

about election time, when he did nothing but bustle 
about from poll to poll, attending all ward meet- 
ings and committee rooms; though I could never 
find that he took part with either side of the ques- 
tion. On the contrary, he would come home and 
rail at both parties with great wrath — and plainly 
proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and 
three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, 
that the two parties were like two rogues, each 
tugging at a skirt of the nation ; and that in the 
end they would tear the very coat off its back, and 
expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an oracle 
among the neighbours, who would collect around 
him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smok- 
ed his pipe on the bench before the door ; and I 
really believe he would have brought over the 
whole neighbourhood to his own side of the ques- 
tion, if they could ever have found out what it 



was, 



Xll ACCOUNT OF 



He was very much given to argue, or, as he 
called it, philosophize, about the most trifling mat- 
ter ; and to do him justice, I never knew any body 
that was a match for him, except it was a grave 
looking old gentleman who called now and then to 
see him, and often posed him in an argument. 
But this is nothing surprising, as I have since 
found out this stranger is the city librarian ; and, 
of course, must be a man of great learning : and 
I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the 

followino- Vii'^^- " 

As our lodger had been a long time with us, 
and we had never received any pay, my wife be- 
gan to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find 
out who and what he was. She accordingly made 
bold to put the question to his friend, the libra- 
rian, who replied in his dry way that he was one 
of the literati, which she supposed to mean some 
new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger 
for his pay ; so I M day after day pass on with- 
out dunning the old gentleman for a farthing : but 
my wife, who always takes these matters on her- 
self, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, 
at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she 
thought it high time " some people should have a 
sight of some people's money." To which the 
old gentleman repHed, in a mighty touchy man- 
ner, that she need not make herself uneasy, for 
that he had a treasure there, (pointing t(i his sad- 
#llo-bags,) worth hov Avholc house put toi^ethen 



THE AUTHOR. XIJI 

This was the only answer we could ever get from 
him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways 
in which women find out every thing, learnt that 
he was of very great connexions, being related to 
the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin- 
german to the congress-man of that name, she 
did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, 
she even offered, merely byway of making things 
easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach 
the children their letters ; and to try her best and 
get her neighbours to send their children also : 
but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, 
and seemed so aifronted at being taken for a 
school master, that she never dared speak on the 
subject again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a morn- 
ing, with a bundle in his hand — and has never 
been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were 
made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his re- 
lations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, 
that he had not been there since the year before 
last, when he had a great dispute with the con- 
gress-man about politics, and left the place in a 
huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any 
thing of him from that time to this. I must own 
I felt very much worried about the poor old gen- 
tleman, for I thought something bad must have 
happened to him, that he should be missing so 
long, and never return to pay%is bill. I there- 
fore advertised him in the newspapers, and though 
2* 



:ViV ACCOUNT OF 

my melancholy advertisement was published bj' 
several humane printers, yet I have never been 
able to learn any thing satisfactory about him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take care 
of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing be- 
hind in his room, that would pay us for his board 
and lodging. We found nothing, however, but 
some old books and musty writings, and his sad- 
dle-bags ; which, being opened in the presence 
of the librarian, contained only a few articles of 
worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted 
paper. On looking over this, the librarian told 
us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which 
the old gentleman had spoke about ; as it proved 
to be a most excellent and faithful History of 
New- York, which he advised us by all means 
to publish : assuring us that it would be so eager- 
ly bought up by a discerning publjc, that he had 
no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears 
ten times over. Upon this we got a very learn- 
ed school-master, who teaches our children, to 
prepare it for the press, which he accordingly 
has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a num- 
ber of valuable notes of his own. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my rea- 
sons for having this work printed, without w^aiting 
for the consent of the author : and I here declare, 
that if he ever returns, (though 1 much fear some 
unhappy accidentals befallen him,) I stand ready 



THE AUTHOR. XT 

to account with him like a true and honest man. 
Which is all at present, 

From the public's humble Serv't. 

Seth Handaside* 

Independent Columbian Hotel., 
New- York. 



The foregoing account of the author was pre- 
fixed to the first edition of this work. Shortly 
after its publication a letter was received from 
him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch 
village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he 
had travelled for the purpose of inspecting cer- 
tain ancient records. As this was one of those 
few and happy villages, into which newspapers 
never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise, 
that Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen 
the numerous advertisements that were made 
concerning him ; and that he should learn of the 
publication of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature 
appearance, as thereby he was prevented frorh 
making several inportant corrections and altera- 
tions : as well as from profiting bj many curious 
hints which he had collected during his travels 



XVI ACCOUNT OF 

along the shores of the Tappaan Sea, and his so- 
journ at Haverstraw and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any immedi- 
ate necessity for his return to New-York, he ex- 
tended his journey up to the residence of his re- 
lations at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither, he 
stopped for some days at Albany, for which city 
he is known to have entertained a great partiali- 
ty. He found it, however, considerably altered, 
and was much concerned at the inroads and im- 
provements which the Yankees were making, and 
the consequent decline of the good old Dutch 
manners. Indeed, he was informed that these 
intruders were making sad innovations in all parts 
of the state ; where they had given great trouble 
and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the 
introduction of turnpike gates, and country school- 
houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker 
shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual 
decay of the great Vander Heyden palace ; but 
was highly indignant at finding that the ancient 
Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the 
street, had been pulled down, since his last visit. 

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history hav- 
ing reached even to Albany, he received much 
flattering attentijjn from its worthy burghers, some 
of whom, however, pointed out tAvo or three very 
great errors he had fallen into, particularly that 
of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany 
tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been dis- 



THE AUTHOR. XVll 

continued for some years past. Several families, 
moreover, were somewhat piqued that their an- 
cestors had not been mentioned in his work, and 
showed great jealousy of their neighbours who 
had been thus distinguished ; while the latter, it 
must be confessed, plumed themselves vastly 
thereupon ; considering these recordings in the 
light of letters-patent of nobihty, establishing 
their claims to ancestry — which, in this republi- 
ean country, is a matter of no little solicitude and 
vain glory. 

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and ' 
countenance from the governor, who once a^ked 
him to dinner, and was seen two or three times 
to shake hands with him, when they met in the 
street ; which certainly was going great lengths, 
considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, 
certain of the governor's confidential friends, to 
whom he could venture to speak his mind freely 
on such matters, have assured us, that he private- 
ly entertained a considerable good will for our 
author — nay, he even once went so far as to de- 
clare, and that openly too, and at his own table, 
just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a very 
" well meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no 
•' fool." From all which many have been led to 
suppose, that had our author been of different 
politics, and written for the newspapers instead 
of wasting his talents on histories, he might have 
risen to some post of honour and profit : perad- 



XX ACCOUNT 0F 

entered into the full enjoyment of the advantages 
of a literarj rei-^iitaiion. He was continually im- 
portuned to write advertisemeuts, petitions, hand- 
bills, and productions of similar import ; and, al- 
though he never meddled with the public papers, 
yet had he the credit of writing innumerable es- 
says, and smart things, that appeared on all sub- 
jects, and all sides of the question ; in all which 
he was clearly detected " by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt 
at the post office, in consequence of the numer- 
ous letters he received from authors and printers 
soliciting his subscription, and he was applied to 
by every charitable society for yearly donations, 
which he gave very cheerfully, considering these 
applications as so many compliments. He was 
once invited to a great corporation dinner ; and 
was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman 
at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so re- 
nowned did he become, that he could no longer 
pry about, as formerly, in all holes and corners of 
the city, according to the bent of his humour, un- 
noticed and uninterrupted \ but several times 
when he has been sauntering the streets, on his 
usual rambles of observation, equipped with his 
cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play have 
been known to cry, "there goes Diedrich!" — ^at 
which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleas- 
ed, looking upon these salutations in the light of 
the praises of posterity. 



THE AUTHOR. XXI. 

In a word, if we take into consideration all 
these various honours and distinctions, together 
with an exuberant eulogium, passed on him in the 
Port Folio — (with which, we are told, the old 
gentleman was so much overpowered, that he was 
sick for two or three days) — it must be confess- 
ed, that few authors have ever lived to receive 
such illustrious rewards, or have so completely 
enjoyed in advance their own immortality. 

After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knick- 
erbocker took up his residence at a little rural 
retreat, which the Stuyvesants had granted him 
on the family domain, in gratitude for his honour- 
able mention of their ancestor. It was pleasantly 
situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes 
beyond Corlear-s Hook: subject, indeed, to be 
occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in 
the summer time, with musquitoes; but otherwise 
very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt 
grass and bull-rushes. 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gen- 
tleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned 
by the neighbouring marshes. When he found 
his end approaching, he disposed of his worldly 
affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New- 
York Historical Society : his Hiedelburgh Cate- 
chism, and Vander Donck's work to the city li- 
brary; and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handaside. He 
forgave all his enemies,— -that is to say, all who 
bore any enmity towards him: for a? to himself. 

vol.. I. 3 



XXU ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 

he declared he died in good will with all the 
world. And, after dictating several kind mes- 
sages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as 
to certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, 
he expired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 
His remains were interred, according to his 
own request, in St. Mark's churchyard, close by 
the bones of his favourite hero, Peter Stuyve- 
sant : and it is rumoured, that the Historical So- 
ciety have it in mind to erect a wooden monu- 
ment to his memory in the Bowling-Green. 



TO THE PUBLIC. 



" To rescue from oblivion the memory of for- 
" mer incidents, and to render a just trifcwite of 
" renown to the many great and wonderful trans- 
" actions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich 
" Knickerbocker, native of the city of New- York, 
" produces this historical essay."* Like the great 
Father of History, whose words I have just quo- 
ted, I treat of times long past, over which the twi- 
light of uncertainty had already thrown its sha- 
dows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to 
descend forever. With great solicitude had I long 
beheld the early history of this venerable and an- 
cient city gradually slipping from our grasp, trem- 
bling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by 
day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a lit- 
tle while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch 
burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments 
of good old times, will be gathered to their fa- 

* Beloe''s Herodotus-. 



XXIV PREFACE. 

thers; their children engrosfed Ij^^the emptyplea- 
siires or insignificant transactions of the present 
oge, will neglect to treasure up the recollections 
oi' the past, and posterity will search in vain for 
memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The 
origin of our city will be buried in eternal obli- 
vion, and even the names and achievements of 
IV'outer Van Twiller, William Kicft, and Peter 
Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction^ 
like those of Romulus and Rhemus, of Charle- 
magne, king Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of 
Bolo^e. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this 
threatened misfortune, I industriously set myself 
to work, to gather together all the fragments of 
our infant history which still existed, and like my 
revered prototype, Herodotus, where no written 
records could be found, I have endeavoured to 
continue the chain of history by well-authentica- 
ted traditions. 

In this arduous undertaking, which has been 
the whole business of a long and solitary hfe, it is 
incredible the number of learned authors 1 have 
consulted ; and all but to little purpose. Strange 
as it may seem, though such multitudes of excel- 
lent works have been written about this country, 
there are none extant which give any full and sa- 
tisfactory account of the early history of New- 
York, orof its three first Dutch governors. I have, 
however, gained much valuable and curious mat- 



PRETACE. XXV 

ter, from an elaborate manuscript written in ex- 
ceeding pure and classic low Dutch, excepting a 
few errors in orthography, which was found in the 
archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many le- 
gends, letters Sid other documents have I likewise 
gleaned, in my researches among the family chests 
and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citi- 
zens ; and I have gathered a host of well-authenti- 
cated traditions from divers excellent old ladies of 
my acquaintance, who requested that their names 
might not be mentioned. No'r must I neglect to 
acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted 
by that admirable and. praiseworthy institution, 
the New- York Historical Society, to which I 
here publicly return my sincere apknowledge- 
ments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have 
adopted no individual model ; but on the contrary 
have simply contented myself with combining 
and concentrating the excellencies of the most 
approved ancient historians. Like Zenophon, 
I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and 
the strictest adherence to truth throughout my 
history. I have enriched it after the manner of 
Sallust, with various characters of ancient wor- 
thies, drawn at full length and faithfully colour- 
ed. I have seasoned it with profound pohtical 
speculations like Thvx}dides, sweetened it with 
the graces of sentiment i^d^e Tacitas, and infased 
into the whole ihe dignity, the grandeur, and 
magnificence of lAvy, 



XXVI PREFACE. 

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of 
numerous very learned and judicious critics, for 
indulging too frequently in the bold excursive 
manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be 
candid, I have found it impossiblewways to resist 
the allurements of those pleasing episodes, which 
like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the 
dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn 
aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. 
But I trust it will be found, that I have always 
resumed my staff,- and addressed myself to my 
weary journey with renovated spirits, so that both 
my readers and myself have been benefited by 
the relaxation. 

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish 
and uniform endeavour to rival Polybius himself, 
in observing the requisite unity of History, yet 
the loose and unconnected manner in which many 
of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, 
rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. 
This difficulty was likewise increased, by one of 
the grand objects contemplated in my work, 
which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and 
institutions in this best of cities, and to compare 
them, when in the germ of infancy, with what 
they are in the present old age of knowledge and 
improvement. 

But the chief merit on which I value myself, 
and found my hopes for future regard, is that 
faithful veracity with which I have compiled this 



PREPACK. XXVil 

invaluable little work ; carefully winnowing away 
the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares 
of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke 
the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. — 
Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial 
throng, who skim like swallows over the surface 
of literature ; or had I been anxious to commend 
my writings to the pampered palates of literary 
epicures, I might have availed myself of the ob- 
scurity that overshadows the infant years of our 
city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. 
But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy 
tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the drow- 
sy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled ; 
jealousy maintaining that fidelity, gravity, and 
dignity, which should ever distinguish the histo- 
rian. " For a writer of this class," observes an 
elegant critic, " must sustain the character of a 
wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity ; 
one who has studied to inform himself well, who 
has pondered his subject with care, and addres- 
ses himself to our judgment, rather than to our 
imagination." 

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned 
city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the 
theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy is it in 
having such an historian as myself to relate them. 
For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves^ 
and, in fact, empires of themselves, are nothing 
without an historian. It is the patient nari-ator 



XXVIU PREFACE. 

who records their prosperity as they rise — wlio 
blazons forth the splendour of their noontide me- 
ridian — who props their feeble memorials as they 
totter to decay — who gathers together their scat- 
tered fragments as they rot — and who piously, at 
length, collects their ashes into the mausoleum of 
his work, and rears a monument that will trans- 
mit their renown to all succeeding ages. 

What has been the fate of many fair cities of 
antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber the 
plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken the fruit- 
less inquiry of the traveller ? — they have sunk 
into dust and silence — they have perished from 
remembrance for want of an historian ! The phi- 
lanthropist may weep over their desolation — the 
poet may wander among their mouldering arches 
and broken columns, and indulge the visionary 
flights of his fancy — but alas ! alas ! the modern 
historian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to 
confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain 
among their oblivious remains, .for some memo- 
rial that may tell the instructive tale of their 
glory and their ruin. 

'• Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristo- 
tle, " destroy nations, and with them all their 
monuments, their discoveries, and their vanities 
— The torch of science has more than once been 
extinjruished and rekindled — a few individuals, 
who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread 
of genera tions." 



PREFACE. XXIX 

The same sad misfortune which has happened 
10 so many ancient cities, will happen again, and 
from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those 
which now flourish on the face of the globe. With 
most of them the time for recording theii* early 
history is gone by; their origin, their foundation, 
together with the eventful period of their youth, 
are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and the 
same would have been the case with this fair por- 
tion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from ob- 
scurity in the very nick of time, at the moment 
that those matters herein recorded were about 
entering into the wide-spread insatiable maw of 
oblivion — if I had not dragged them out, as it 
were, by the very locks, just as the monster's ada- 
mantine fangs were closing upon them for ever ! 
And here have I, as before observed, carefully 
collected, collated, and arranged them, scrip and 
scrap, ''punt en punt, gat en gat,'''' and commen- 
ced in this little work, a history to serve as a foun- 
dation, on which other historians may hereafter 
raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process 
of time, until Knickei'hocker'' s New-York may 
be equally voluminous with Gibbon'' s Rome, or 
Hume and SmolleVs England ! 

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay 
down my pen, skip to some little eminence at 
the distance of two or three hundred years a- 
head ; and, casting back a bird's-eye glance over 
the waste of years that is to roll between, disco- 



XXX PKEFACE. 

ver myself — little I ! — at this moment the proge 
nitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, post 
ed at the head of this host of literary worthies 
with my book under my arm, and New- York oi 
my back, pressing forward, like a gallant com 
mander, to honour and immortality. 

Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that wil 
now and then enter into the brain of the author- 
that irradiate, as with celestial light, his solitar 
chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and animat 
ing him to persevere in his labours. And I hav( 
freely given utterance to these rhapsodies when 
ever they have occurred; not, I trust, from an un 
usual spirit of egotism, but merely that the reade 
may for once have an idea, how an author thinki 
and feels while he is writing — a kind of know 
ledge very rare and curious, and much to be de 
sired. 



BOOK I. 



CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND 
PHILOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE 
CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS 
CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, 



CHAPTER 1. 

Description of the World, 

According to the best authorities, theworld in 
which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, in- 
animate mass, floating in the vast ethereal ocean 
of inflnite space. It has the form of an orange, 
being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened- at 
opposite parts, for the insertion of tAvo imaginary 
poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite 
at the centre ; thus forming an axis on which the 
mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revo- 
lution. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence 
proceed the alternations of day and night, are pro- 
duced by this diurnal revolution successively pre- 



32 • DERSCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 

senting the different parts of the earth to the rajs 
of the sun. The latter is, according to the hest, 
that is to say, the latest accounts, a luminous or 
fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which 
this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling 
power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal 
orattractive force; otherwise called the attraction 
of gravitation; the combination, or rather the 
counteraction of these two opposing impulses 
producing a circ-ular and annual revolution. 
Hence result the different seasons of tiie year^ 
viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern 
theory on the subject — thongh there be many phi- 
losophers who have entertained very different 
opinions ; some, too, of them entitled to much de- 
ference from their great antiquity and illustrious 
characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the 
ancient sages, that the earth was an extended 
plain, supported by vast pillars; and by others, 
that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back 
of a huge tortoise — but as they did not provide a 
resting place for either the pillars or the tortoise, 
the whole theory fell to the ground, for want of 
proper foundation. 

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon 
the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein 
like fishes in the water, moving from east to wet.t 
by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon 



DESCRIPTION OP THE \fORLi3« 3o 

to their original stations during the night ;* while, 
according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast 
plain, encircled hy seven oceans of milk, nectar, 
and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with 
seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre 
by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and 
that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the 
moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lu- 
nar eclipses.! 

Beside these, and many other equally sage 
opinions, we have the profound conjectures of 
Aboul-Hassan-aly, son of AI Khan, son of Aly, 
son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma- 
soud-el-Hadheh, who is commonly called Masou- 
Di, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the 
humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, w^hich means the 
companion of the ambassador of God. He has 
written a universal history, entitled '' Mouroudge- 
ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines 
of Precious Stones."! In this valuable work he has 
related the history of the world, from the creation 
down to the moment of writing ; which was under 
the Khaliphat of Mothi Biiiah, in the month Dgi- 
oumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira 
or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the 
earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina consti- 

* Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. 
f Sir W. Joues, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod.^ 
I Mss. Bibliot. Roi. Fr. 
VOL. I. 4 



34 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 

tilting the head, Persia and India the right wing, 
the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa titc caih 
He informs us, moreover, that an earth has exist- 
ed before the present, (which he considers as a 
mere chicken of 7000 years) that it has undergone 
divers deluges, and that, according to the opi- 
nion of some well-informed Brahmins of his ac- 
quaintance, it will be renovated every seventy 
thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam consist- 
ing of 12,000 years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory opi» 
nions of philosophers concerningthe earth, and we 
' find that the learned have had equal perplexity as 
to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient 
philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast w^heel 
of brilliant fire ;^ others that it is merely a mirror 
or sphere of transparent crystal ;i and a third 
class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, 
maintained that it w^as nothing but a huge ignited 
mass of iron or stone — indeed, he declared thehea- 
vens tobe merely a vault of stone— and Ihatthe stars 
were stones whirled upward from the earth, and set 
on fire by the velocity of its revolutions.]: But I 
give little attention to the doctrines of this philo- 
sopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted 

* Plutarch dc placitis Philosopli. lib. ii. cap. 20. 

t Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. 
Stob. Eclog-. Phys lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac Phi. 

I Diog-enes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol, 
(. i. p. 26. Plut. dc Plac. Philo. Xenoph. MeiBc 1, iy. p. 
815. 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. OO 

tliem, by banishing him from their city; a concise 
mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much 
resorted to in former days. Another sect of philfJ- 
sophers do declare, that certain fiery particles ex- 
hale constantly from the earth, which concentra- 
ting in a single point of the tinnamcnt by day, 
constitute the sun, but being scattered and ram- 
bling about in the dark at night, collect in various 
points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt 
out and extinguished, not unlike to the lamps in 
our streets, and recjuire afresh supply of exhala- 
tions for the next oceasioui'^ 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and 
obscure periods, in consequence of a great scar- 
city of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt 
out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at 
a time. A most melancholy circum.stance, the 
very idea of which gave vast concern to Hcracli- 
tus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. 
In addition to these various speculations, it was 
the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnih- 
cent, habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising 
from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric 
clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere.! 

But we will not enter farther at present into the 
nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not im- 

* Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl.sec. 15. Stoh. 
Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 

t Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 2G5. Nidi. 
Philos. Journ. I. p. 13. 



ob DESCRIPTION OP THE WORLD. 

mediately necessary to the development of this 
history ; neither will we embroil ourselves in any 
i»ore of the endless disputes of philosophers 
touching the form of this globe, but content our- 
selves with the theory advanced in the beginning 
of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate, by 
experiment, the complexity of motion therein 
ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as 
the name may be rendered into English,) was long 
celebrated in the university of Leyden, for pro- 
found gravity of deportment, and a talent at going 
to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infi- 
nite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby 
worked their way through college with great ease 
and little study. In the course of one of his lec- 
tures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
water, swung it round his head at arm's length. The 
impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, 
being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm 
operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, 
which was a substitute for the earth, describing a 
circular orbit round about the globular h^ad and 
ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which 
formed no bad representation of the sun. All of 
these particulars were duly explained to the class 
of gaping students around him. He apprised them, 
moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, 
which retained the water in the bucket, restrains 
the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid 



iJfeSCRiPtlON OF THE WORLD. 37 

devolutions ; and he farther informed them that 
should the motion of the earth he suddenly check- 
ed, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through 
the centripetal force of gravitation ; a most ruin- 
ous event to this planet, and one which would also 
obscure,.though it most probably would not extin- 
gftish, the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, 
one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into 
the world merely to annoy worthy men of the 
puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the 
correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested 
the arm of the professor, just at the moment that 
the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately 
descended with astonishing precision upon the 
philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A 
hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the 
contact ; but the theory was in the amplest man- 
ner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket pe- 
rished in the conflict; but the blazing counte- 
nance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged 
from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever 
with unutterable indignation, whereby the stu- 
dents were marvellously edified, and departed 
considerably wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly 
perplexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that 
nature often refuses to second his most profound 
and elaborate efforts ; sothatafter having invented 
one of the most ingenious and natural theories 
imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act 
4* 



38 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLO. 

directly in the teetli of his system, and flatly con* 
tradict his most favourite positions. This is a 
manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws 
the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely 
upon the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to 
be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably 
correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, 
who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is 
continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, 
and seems really to take pleasure in violating all 
philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and 
indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened 
with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explana- 
tion of the motion of our planet ; it appears that 
the centrifugal force has long since ceased to ope- 
rate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished 
potency : the world, therefore, according to the 
theory as it originally stood, ought in strict pro- 
priety to tumble into the sun ; pliilosophers were 
convinced that it would do so, and awaited in 
anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prog- 
nostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously 
continued her course, notwithstanding that she 
had reason, philosophy, and a v>'hole university of 
learned professors opposed to her conduct. The 
philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
thought they would never have pardoned the 
slight and afiront which they conceived put upon 
them by the world, had not a good natured pro- 



DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 39 

fessor kindly officiated as a mediator between the 
parties, and effected a reconciliation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate it- 
self to the theory, he wisely determined to ac- 
commodate the theory to the world : he therefore 
informed his brother philosophers, that the circu- 
lar motion of the earth round the sun was no 
sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses 
above described, than it became a regular revolu- 
tion, independent of the causes which gave it ori- 
gin. His learned brethren readily joined in the 
opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation 
that would decently extricate them from their 
embarrassmerrt — and ever since that memorable 
era the world has been left to take her own 
course, and to revolve around the sun in such 
orbit as she thinks proper. 



40 CREATION OF THE V/ORtD» 



CHAPTER II. 

Cosmogony^ or Creation of the World j with &, 
multitude of excellent theories^ by which the 
creation of a world is shown to he no such 
difficult matter as common folk would ima^ 
gine. 

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to 
the world, and given him some idea of its form 
and situation, he will naturally be curious to know 
from whence it came, and how it was created. 
And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is 
absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
this world had not been formed, it is more thaa 
probable, that this renowned island on which is 
situated the city of New- York, would never have 
had an existence. The regular course of my his- 
tory, therefore, requires that I should proceed to 
notice the cosmogony or formation of this our 
globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I 
am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as 
complete a labyrinth as ever historian was per- 
plexed withal: therefore, I advise them to take 
fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, 
venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, 
lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 4^ 

learning, or have their brains knocked out by 
some of those hard Greek names which will be 
flying about in all directions. But should any of 
them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to ac- 
company me in this perilous undertaking, they 
had better take a short cut round, and wait for 
me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world, we have a thou- 
sand contradictory accounts ; and though a very 
satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revela- 
tion, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour 
bound to furnish us with a better. As an impar- 
tial historian, I consider it my daty to notice their 
several theories, by which mankind have been so 
exceedingly edified and instructed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, 
that the earth and the whole system of the uni- 
verse was the deity himself ;* a doctrine most 
strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the 
whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo and the 
sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras like- 
wise inculcated the famous numerical system of 
the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his 
sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the 
world, the arcana of nature, and the principles 
both of music and morals. t Other sages adhered 

* Aristct. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 

f Aristot. Metaph lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Coelo, 1. iii. G.- 
1. Rosseau mem. sur Musique ancieu, p. 39, Plutarch 
Je Plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. -3. 



4^ CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

to the mathematical system of squares and trian- 
gles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the 
tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and 
the dodecahedron.* While*)thers advocated the 
great elementary theory, which refers the con- 
struction of our globe and all that it contains, to 
the combinations of four material elements, air, 
earth, lire, and water; with the assistance of a 
fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic 
system taught by old Moschus, before the siege 
of Troy ; revived by Democritas of laughing me- 
mory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good 
fellows, and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. 
But I decline inquiring, whether the atoms, of 
which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal 
or recent ; whemer they are animate or inanimate ; 
whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, 
they Avere fortuitously aggregated, or, as the thc- 
ists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intel- 
ligence. t Whether, in fact, the earth be an in- 
sensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soul ;| 
which opinion was strenuously maintained by a 

* Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 

f Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph, 
lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. 
Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20. 

\ Mosbeim in Cudvv. lib. i. cap. 4. Tiin. de anin). 
mund. ap. Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de PAcad. des Belles Lettr. 
t. xxxii. p. 19. et al. 



CREATION OF THE WORLB. 43 

host of philosCphers, at the head of whom stands 
the i^reat Plato, that temperate sage, who th^-ew 
the coid water of j^hilosophy on the form of scviial 
intercoarse^aad inculcated the doctrine of Plato- 
nic love — an exquisitely refined iiitercourse, but 
much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of 
his imaginary island of Atlantis than to the stur- 
dy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, 
which populates the little matter of fact island 
we inhabit. 

Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the 
poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who ge^ erated 
the whole universe in the regular mode of p:v)cre- 
ation, and the plausible opinion of others, tViat the 
earth was hatched from the great egg of night, 
which iioated in chaos, and was cracked by the 
horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last 
doctrine, Burnet in his theory of the earth,* has 
favoured us w)th an accurate drawing and des- 
cription, both of the form and texture of this mun- 
dane egg ; which is found to bear a marvellous 
resembknce to that of a goose. Such of my 
readers as take a proper interest in the origin of 
this our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the 
most profound sages of antiquity, among the 
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks and La- 
tins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of 
this strange bird, and that their cacklings hare 

* Book i. ck. 6. 



44 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

been caught, and continued in different tones and 
inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto 
the present day. 

But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys- 
tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with 
neglect those ofotherphilosophers; which, though 
less universal and renowned, have equal claims to 
attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thu» 
it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of 
their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, 
transforming himself into^ great boar, plunged 
into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth 
on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty 
tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed 
the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and 
he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.* 

The negro philosophers of Congo afiirm that 
the world was made by the hands of angels, ex- 
cepting their own country, which the Supreme 
Being constructed himself, that it might be su- 
premely excellent. And he took great pains with 
the inhabitants, and made them very bkick, and 
beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, 
he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him 
over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose 
of all his descendants, became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a preg- 
nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a 



Holwell. Gent. Philosophy. 






rjREATION OF THE WORLD. 45 

tortoise took her upon its back, because every 
place was covered with water ; and that the wo- 
man, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her 
hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence 
it finally happened that the earth became higher 
than the water.* 

But I forbear to quote a number more of these 
ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplo- 
rable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, 
compelled them to write in languages which but 
few of my readers can understand ; and I shall 
proceed briefly to notice a few more intelhgible 
and fashionable theories of their modern succes- 
sors. 

And, first, I shall mention the great Bufiron,who 
conjectures that this globe was originally a globe 
of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, 
by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is gene- 
rated by the collision of flint and steel. That at 
first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, 
cooling and condensing in process of time, consti- 
tuted, according to their densities, earth, water, 
and air; which gradually arranged themselves, ac- 
cording to their respective gravities, round the 
burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the wa- 
ters at first were universally paramount ; and he 

* Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas 
or Mohawk Indians. 1644. 
VOL. I. 5 



46 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must 
be eventually washed away by the force of rain, 
rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confound- 
ed with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely 
dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea! far surpass- 
ing that of the tender hearted damsel of antiquity, 
who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good 
dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volu- 
bility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed 
to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine 
ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes 
before half the hideous task was accomplished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who 
rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longi- 
tude, (for which the mischief-loving Swift dis- 
charged on their heads a most savoury stanza,) 
has distinguished himself by a very admirable 
theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that 
it was originally a chaotic comet, which being se- 
lected for the abode of man, was removed from its 
eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its 
present regular motion ; by which change of di- 
rection, order succeeded to confusion in the ar- 
rangement of its component parts. The philo- 
sopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an 
uncourteous salute from the watery tail of 
another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of 
its improved condition : thus furnishing a melan- 
choly proof that jealousy may prevail, even 
among the heavenly bodies, and discord inter- 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 47 

rupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so 
melodiously smig by the poets. 

But I pavss over a variety of excellent theories, 
among which are those of Burnet, and Wood- 
ward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that 
my time will not suffer me<to give them the no- 
tice they deserve — and shall conclude vnth that 
of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned The- 
ban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as 
reason, and for good natured credulity as serious 
research, and who has recommended himself 
wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by 
letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de- 
baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the 
court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy 
of his combustible imagination. According to 
his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sud- 
den occasion to explode, like a barrel of gun- 
powder, and in that act exploded the sun — w. ich 
in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the 
earth — which in like guise exploded the moon — 
and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the 
whole solar system was produced, and set most 
systematically in motion !* 

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, 
every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will 
be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts ; 
my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to con- 
clude, that th^ creation of a world is not so diffi- 

Drw, Bot. Garden. Part I. Cant. i. 1. 1Q5. 



48 CREATION OP THE WORLD. 

cult a task as they at first imagined. I have showTi 
at least a score of ingenious methods in which a 
vrorld could be constructed ; and I have no doubt, 
that had any of the philosophers above quoted 
the use of a good manageable comet, and the phi- 
losophical ware-house chaos at his command, he 
would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, 
if you would take his word for it, better than this 
we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness 
of Providence, in creating comets for the great re- 
lief of bewildered philosophers. By their assist- 
ance more sudden evolutions ^nd transitions are 
effected in the system of nature than are wrought 
in a pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder-work- 
ing sword of Harlequin. Should one of our mo- 
dern sages, in his tlieoretical flights among the 
stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in 
danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and 
absurdity, he has but to seize acometby thebeard, 
mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in 
triumph, like an enchanter on his hyppogriff, or a 
Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep 
the cobwebs out of the sky." 

It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar 
on horseback," which I would not for the world 
have applied to these reverend philosophers : but 
I must confess, that some of them, when they are 
mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild 
in their curvettings as was Phaeton of yore, when 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 49 

he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One 
drives bis comet at full speed against the sun, and 
knocks the world out of him with the mighty con- 
cussion; another, more moderate, makes his comet 
a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a re- 
gular supply of food and faggots — a third, of more 
combustible disposition, threatens to throw his 
comet, like a bombshell into the world, and blow 
it up like a powder magazine ; while a fourth, 
with no great delicacy to this planet, and its in- 
habitants, insinuates that some day or other, his 
comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it — 
shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and de- 
luge it with water ! — Surely, as I have already 
observed, comets were bountifully provided by 
Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to as- 
sist them in manufacturing theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most 
prominent theories that occur to my recollection, 
I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to 
choose among them. They are all serious specu- 
lations of learned men — all diifer essentially from 
each other — and all have the same title to belief. 
It has ever been the task of one race of philoso- 
phers to demolish the works of their predecessors, 
and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, 
which in their turn are demolished and replaced 
by the air castles of a succeeding generation. 
Thus it would seem that knowledge and ^T^enius, 
of which we make such great parade, consist but 
5* 



50 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 

in detecting the errors and absurdities of those 
who have gone before, and devising new errors 
and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to 
come after us. Theories are the mighty soap bub- 
bles with which the grown up children of science 
amuse themselves — while the honest vulgar stand 
gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these 
learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! — 
Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that 
philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, 
busying themselves in things totally incompre- 
hensible, or which, if they could be comprehend- 
ed, would be found not worthy the trouble of 
discovery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come 
to an agreement among themselves, I shall con- 
tent myself with the account handed down to us 
by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example 
of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ; who 
at their first settlement proclaimed, that the co- 
lony should be governed by the laws of God — 
until they had time to make better. 

One thing, however, appears certain — from the 
unanimous authority of the before-quoted philo- 
sophers, supported by the evidence of our own 
••enses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may 
be cautiously admitted as additional testimony,) 
it appears, 1 say, and 1 make the assertion dehbe- 
rately, without fear of contradiction, that* this 
globe really was created, and that it is composed 



CREATION OF THE WORLD. 51 

of land and water. It farther appears that it is 
curiously divided and parcelled out into conti- 
nents and islands, among which I boldly declare 
the renowned Island of New-York will be found 
by any one who seeks for it in its proper place* 



52 HISTORY OF NOAM. 



CHAPTER II. 

How that famous navigator, Jsfoah, was shameful- 
ly nick-named ; and how he committed an un- 
pardo7iable oversight in not having four sons. 
With the great trouble of philosophers caused 
thereby, and the discovery of America. 

Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read 
of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham,and Japhet. Au- 
thors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that 
the i)atriarch had a number of other children. 
Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic 
Titans, Methodius gives himasoncalled Jonithus, 
or Jonicus, and others have mentioned ason, nam- 
ed Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teutons 
or Teutonic, or in other words, the Dutch nation. 

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan 
will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity 
of my readers, by investigating minutely the his- 
tory of the great Noah. Indeed, such an under- 
taking would be attended with more trouble than 
many people would imagine ; for the good old pa- 
triarch seems to have been a great traveller in his 
day, and to have passed under a different name 
in every country that he visited. The Cha\^eans, 
for instance, give us his story, merely altering his 
name into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration, which. 



HIS VARIOUS NAMES. 53 

to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear 
wholly unimportant. It appears likewise, that he 
had exchanged his tarpawlin and quadrant among 
the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royal- 
ty, and appears as a m^onarch in their annals. The 
Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osi- 
ris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and Roman 
writers confound him with Ogyges, and the The- 
ban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, 
who deservedly rank among the most extensive 
and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have 
known the world much longer than any one else, 
declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ; and 
what gives this assertion some air of credibility is, 
that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened 
literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time 
of the building of the tower of Babel, (probably to 
improve himself in the study of languages,) and 
the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional 
information, that the ark rested on a mountain on 
the frontiers of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage 
hypotheses,many satisfactory deductions might be 
drawn; but I shall content myself with the simple 
fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat three 
sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing 
on what remote and obscure contingencies the 
great aDairs of this world depend, and how events 
the most distant, and to the common obser, er un- 
connected, are inevitably consequent the one to 



54 UNCERTAINTY AS TO WHETHER 

the other. It remains to the philosopher to disco- 
ver these mvsterious affinities, and it is the proud- 
est triumph of his skill, to detect and drag forth 
some latent chain of causation, which at first sight 
appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. 
Thus many of my readers will doubtless wonder 
what connexion the family of Noah can possibly 
have with this history — and many will stare when 
informed, that the whole history' of this quarter 
of the world has taken its character and course 
from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's 
having but three sons — but to explain : 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible his- 
torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprie- 
tor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, 
like a good father, portioned out his estate among 
his children. To Shem he gave Asia 5 to Ham, 
Africa; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thou- 
sand times to be lamented that he had but three 
sons, forbad there been a fourth, he would doubt- 
less have inherited America ; which, of course, 
would have been dragged forth from its obscurity 
on the occasion ; and thus many a hard-workmg 
historian and philosopher would have been spared 
a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting 
the first discovery and population of this country. 
Noah, however, having provided for his tliree 
sons, looked in all probability upon our country 
as mere w^ild unsettled land, and said nothing 
about it; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of 



AMERICA WAS KNOWN TO NOAH. 55 

the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that 
America did not come into the world as early as 
the other quarters of the globe. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him 
from this misconduct towards posterity, and as- 
serted that he really did discover America. Thus 
it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French 
writer, possessed of that ponderosity of thought, 
and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his 
nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah 
peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old 
patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for 
the sea-faring life, superintended the transmigra- 
tion. The pious and enlightened father, Charle- 
voix, a French Jesuit, remarkcible for his aversion 
to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, 
is conclusively of the same opinion; nay, he goes 
still farther, and decides upon the manner in 
which the discovery was effected, which was by 
sea, and undev the immediate direction of the 
great Noah. " I have already observed," ex- 
claims the good father, in a tone of becoming 
hidignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition 
that the grand-children of Noah were not able to 
penetrate into the new world, or that they never 
thought of it. hi effect, I can see no reason that 
can justify such a notion. Who can seriouslj 
believe, that Noah and his immediate descend- 
ants knew less than we do, and that the builder 
and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a 



66 rORTBT-COMING LOG BOOK OF NOAH. 

ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded 
ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to 
guard against, should be ignorant of, or should 
not have communicated to his descendants the 
art of saihng on the ocean ?" Therefore, they 
did sail on the ocean^ — therefore, they sailed to 
America — therefore, America was discovered by 
Noah ! 

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which 
is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, 
being addressed to the faith, rather than the under- 
standing, is iiatly opposed hy Hans de Laert, who 
declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to 
suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought 
of discovering America; and as Hans is a Dutch 
writer, I am inclined to believe he must have 
been much better acquainted with the worthy crew 
of the ark than his competitors, and of course pos- 
sessed of more accurate sources of information. 
It is astonishing how intimate historians do daily 
become with the patriarchs and other great men 
of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, 
and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and 
familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, 
I should not be surprised if some future writers 
should gravely give us a picture of men and man- 
ners as they existed before the flood, far more co- 
pious and accurate than the Bible; and that, in the 
course of another century, the log book of the good 
Noah should be as current among historians, as 



MOW AMERICA WAS DISCOVERED. 57 

the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned 
history of Robinson Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the 
huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, 
and probabilities respecting the first discovery of 
this country, with which unhappyhistorians over- 
load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the 
doubts of ail incredulous world. It is painful to 
see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, 
and sweating under an enormous burden, at the 
verj'outsetof their works, which, on being opened, 
turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of 
straw. As, however.^ by unwearied assiduity, they 
seem to have established the fact, to the satisfac- 
tion of all the world, that this country has been 
discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful la- 
bours to be extremely brief upon this point. 

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether 
America was first discovered by a wandering ves- 
sel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, ac- 
cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; 
or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, 
the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary 
Islands ; or whether it was settled by a temporary 
colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Se- 
neca. I shall neither inquire whether it was 
first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with 
great shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwe- 
gians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the 
German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured 

VOL. I. 6 



58 

to prove to the scavans of the learned city of 
Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims 
of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of prince 
Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never 
returned, it has since been wisely concluded that 
he must have gone to America, and that for a 
plain reason — if he did not go there, where else 
could he have gone ? — a question which most so- 
cratically shuts out all farther dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures 
above mentioned, with a multitude of others, 
equally satisfactory, I shall take for granted the 
vulgar opinion, that America was discovered on 
the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, 
a Genoese, who has been clumsily nick-named 
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. 
Of the voyages and adventures of this Colon, I 
shall say nothing, seeing that they are already suf- 
ficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove 
that this country should have been called Colonia, 
after his name, that being notoriously self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side 
of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all im- 
patience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land 
of promise, and in full expectation that I will im- 
mediately dehver it into their possession. But if 
I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regu- 
lar bred historian ! No — no — ^most curious and 
thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are 



THE author's plan EXHIBITED 59 

if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine 
times learned shall ye be, if ye read that which 
comes after,) Ave have yet a world of work before 
us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair 
quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go 
on shore and find a country ready laid ou-t and 
cultivated like a garden, wherein they might re- 
\ el at their ease ? No such thing — they had fo- 
rests to cut dow^n, underwood to grub up, marshes 
to drain, and savages to exterminate. 

In like manner, 1 have sundry doubts to clear 
away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- 
plain, before I permit you to range at random ; 
but these difficulties once overcome, we shall be 
enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest 
of our history. Thus my work shall, in a man- 
ner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same 
manner as the sound of poetry has been found 
by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense — this 
being an improvement in history, which I claim 
the merit of having invented. 



•iO DIFFICULTIES RESPECTING 



CHAPTER IV. 

Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have 
had in peopling America — And how the Abo- 
rigines came to be begotten by accident — to the 
great relief and satisfaction of the Author, 

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the re- 
gular course of our history is to ascertain, if pos- 
sible, how this country was originally peopled — a 
point fruitful of incredible embarrassments ; for 
unless we prove that the Aborigines did absolute- 
ly come from some where, it will be immediately 
asserted in this age of scepticism that they did 
not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, 
ihen was this country never populated — a con- 
clusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, 
but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of hu- 
manity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove 
fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this popu- 
lous region. 

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from 
logical annihilation so many millions of fellow 
creatures, how many wings of geese have been 
plundered! what oceans of ink have been benevo- 
lently drained! and how many capacious heads of 
learned historians have been addled, and for ever 
confounded! I pause with reverential awe, when 



THE ABORIGINES OF AMERICA. 61 

I contemplate the ponderous tomes, in difierent 
languages, with which they have endeavoured to 
solve this question, so important to the happiness 
of society, but so involved in clouds of impene- 
trable obscurity. Historian after historian has 
engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical ar- 
gument, and after leading us a weary chase through 
octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the 
end of his work just as wise as we were at the 
beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical 
wild goose chase of the kind that made the old 
poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, 
which he anathematizes most heartily, as '^ an 
irksome agonizing care, a superstitious industry 
about unprofitable things, an itching humour to 
see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what 
signifies nothing when it is done." But to pro- 
ceed : 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the ori- 
ginal population of this country I shall say nothing, 
as they have already been touched upon in my 
last chapter. The claimants next in celebi'ity, 
are the descendants of Abraham. Thus Christo- 
yal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he 
first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, im- 
mediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would 
have done honour to a philosopher, that he had 
found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon 
procured the gold for embellishing the temple at 
Jerusalem ; nay, Colon even imagined that he saw 
6* 



62 OPINIONS OF AUTHORS RESPECTIN®^ 

the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic con- 
struction, employed in refining the precious ore. 

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas- 
cinatin^j; extravagance, was too tempting not to be 
immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn- 
ing ; and accordingly, there were divers profound 
writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to 
bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise 
surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus 
and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be 
more clear — Arius Montanus, without the least 
hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, 
and the Jews the early settlers of the country. 
While Possevin, Becan, and several other saga- 
cious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the 
fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the 
mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an arch, 
gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their 
goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx 
of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet the great 
Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles 
the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in fact, 
contradicts outright all the Israehtish claims to 
the first settlement of this country, attributing all 
those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christi- 
anity and Judaism, which have been said to be 
found in divers provinces of the new world, to 
the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit 
the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says 



tMB tmST PEOPLIN'G OF AMERICA. 63 

the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, " made by all 
good authors who have spoken of the religion of 
nations newly discovered, and founded besides 
on the authority of the father^ of the church.'^^ 

Some writers again, among whom it is with 
great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de 
Gomara, and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca- 
naanites, being driven from the land of promise 
by the Jews, were seized with such a panic that 
they fled without looking behind them, until stop- 
ping to take breath, they found themselves safe 
in America. As they brought neither their na- 
tional language, manners, nor features with them, 
it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry 
of their flight — I cannot give my faith to tkis 
opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro- 
tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch- 
man to boot, is entitled to great respect ; that 
North America was peopled by a strolling com- 
pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded 
by a col ony from China — Manco or Mango Capac , 
the ftrst Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall 
I more than barely mention, that father Kircher 
ascribes the settlement of America to the Egyp- 
tians, Rudbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to 
the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from 
Friesland, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the 
Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoe- 
nicians, Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria 



64 OPINIONS ©F AUTHORS RESPECTING 

to the Abyssinians, together with the sage sur- 
mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and the 
Orcades may contend for that honour. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit 
to the idea that America is the fairy region of 
Zipangri, described by that dreaming traveller, 
Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or that it comprises 
the visionary island of Atlantis, described by Pla- 
to. Neither will I stop to investigate the hea- 
thenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemis- 
phere of the globe was originally furnished with 
an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opi- 
nion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many name- 
les« authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race — 
oiPthe starthng conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, 
and Darwin, so highly honourable to mankind, 
that the whole human species is accidentally de- 
scended from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon 
me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have 
often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gaz- 
ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols 
of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a sudden 
stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. 
Little did I think at such times, that it would ever 
fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, 
and that while I was quietly beholding these grave 
philosophers, emulating the eccentric transforma- 
tions of the hero of pantomime, they would on a 
sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with 



THE FIRST PEOPLING OF AMERICA. 65 

one hypothetical flourish metamorphose us into 
beasts ! I determined from that moment not to 
burn my fingers with any more of their theories, 
but content myself with detailing the different 
methods by which they transported the descend- 
ants of these ancient and respectable monkeys to 
this great field of theoretical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land or 
transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph 
D' Acosta enumerates three passages by land — first 
by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of 
Asia, and thirdly by regions southward of the 
straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches 
bis Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen 
rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Green- 
land, Estotiland and Naremberga : and various 
writers, among whom are Angleria,DeHornn,and 
Buffon, anxious for the accommodation of these 
travellers, have fastened the two continents to- 
gether by a strong chain of deductions — by which , 
means they could pass over dry-shod. But should 
even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gen- 
tleman, who compiles books, and manufactures 
Geographies, has constructed a natural bridge of 
ice, from continent to continent, at the distance* 
of four or five miles from Behring's straits — for 
which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all 
the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever 
will pass over it. 



66 THE author's surprise. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of 
the worthy writers above quoted could ever com- 
mence his work, without immediately declaring 
hostilities against every writer who had treated 
of the same subject. In this particular, authors 
may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, 
which in building its nest, is sure to pull to pieces 
the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. 
This unhappy propensity tends grievously to im- 
pede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories 
are at best but brittle productions, and when once 
committed to the stream, they should take care 
that hke the notable pots which were fellow-voya- 
gers, they do not crack each other. 

My chief surprise is, that among the many wri- 
ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove 
that this country was peopled from the moon — or 
that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands 
of ice, as white bears cruize about the northern 
oceans — or that they were conveyed hither by bal- 
loons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to 
Calais — or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted 
among the stars — or after the manner of the re- 
nowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New-Eng- 
land witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made 
most unheard-of journeys on the back of a golden 
arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo. 

But there is still one mode left by which this 
couiitry could have been peopled, which I have 
reserved for the last, because I consider it wortk 



AMERICA PEOPLED BY ACCIDENT. 67 

all the rest : it is — hy accident ! Speaking of the 
islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Hol- 
land, the profound father Charlevoix observes, 
" in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is 
possible some have been so by accident. Now if 
it could have happened in that manner, why might 
it not have been at the same time, and by the same 
means, with the other parts of the globe?" This 
ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions 
from possible premises, is an improvement in syl- 
logistic skill, and proves the good father superior 
even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world 
without^any thing to rest his lever upon. It is 
only surpassed by the dexterity with which the 
sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, cuts the gor- 
dian knot — " Nothing" says he, " is more easy. 
The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly 
the descendants of the same father. The com- 
mon father of mankind received an express order 
from Heaven to people the world, and accord- 
ingly it has been peopled. To bring this about, it 
was necesssary to overcome all difficulties in the 
way, and they have also been overcome /" Pious 
logician ! How does he put all the herd of labo- 
rious theorists to the blush, by explaining, in five 
words, what it has cost them volumes to prove 
they knew nothing about ! 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a va- 
riety of others which I have consulted, but which 
are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearfi- 



SB THREE CERTAIN CONCLUSIONS. 

ed reader — 1 can only draw the following conclu- 
sions, which luckily, however-, are sufficient for my 
purpose — First, that this part of the world has 
aLXitndiWj been peopled J {Q,F„ D.) to support which 
we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of 
Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has been 
peopled in five hundred diiferent ways as proved 
by a cloud of authors, who, from the positiveness 
of their assertions, seem to have been eye-witnes- 
ses to the fact — Thirdly, that the people of this 
country had a variety of fathers, which, as it may 
not be thought much to their credit by the com- 
mon run of readers, the less we say on the iubject 
the better. The question therefore, I trust, is for 
ever at rest. 



A GIGANTIC QUESTION. 69 



CHAPTER V. 

In which the Author puts a mighty question to the 
rout^ by the assistance of the Man in the Moon-— 
which not only delivers thousands of people from 
great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this 
introductory book. 

The writer of a history may, in some respects, 
be likened unto an- adventurous knight, who hav- 
ing undertaken a perilous enterprise, by way of 
establishing his fame, feels bound in honour and 
chivalry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hard- 
ship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy 
he may encounter. Under this impression, I re- 
solutely draw my pen, and fall to, with might and 
main, at those doughty questions and subtle para- 
doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, 
beset the entrance to my history, and would fain 
repulse me from the very threshold. And at this 
moment a gigantic question has started up, which 
I must needs take by the beard and utterly sub- 
due, before I can advance another step in my his- 
toric undertaking ; but I trust this will be the last 
adversary I shall have to contend with, and that 
in the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my 
readers in triumph into the body of my work. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, 
is, what right had the first discoverers of America 

VOL. I. 7 



70 RIGHTS GF THE DISCOVERERS. 

to land and take possession of a country, without 
first gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or 
yielding them an adequate compensation for their 
territory ? — a question which has withstood many 
fierce assaults, and has given much distress of 
mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folk. And 
indeed, until it be totally vanquished, and put to 
rest, the worthy people of America can by no 
means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right 
and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property is 
acquired in a country, is discovery. For as all 
mankind have an equal right to any thing, which 
has never before been appropriated, so any na- 
tion, that discovers an uninhabited country, and 
takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoy- 
ing full property, and absolute, unquestionable 
empire therein.* 

This proposition being admitted, it follows 
clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame- 
rica, were the real discoverers of the same ; no- 
thing being necessary to the establishment of this 
fact, but simply to prove that it was totally unin- 
habited by man. This would at first appear to be 
a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, 
that this quarter of the world abounded with cer- 
tain animals, that walked erect on two feet, had 
something of the human countenance, uttered cer- 

* Grotins. PufFendorf, b. v. c. 4. Yattel, b. i. c. 10, &c. 



BARBARISM OF THE NATIVES. 71 

lain unintelligible sounds, very much like lan- 
guage, in short, had a marvellous resemblance to 
human beings. But the zealous and enlightened 
fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for 
the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, 
by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on 
earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the 
satisfaction of his holiness the pope, and of all 
Christian vojagers and discoverers. 

They plainly proved, and as there vfere no In- 
dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was 
considered as fully admitted and established, that 
the two-legged race of animals before mentioned 
were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and 
many of them giants — which last description of 
vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, 
and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and 
have received no quarter in either history, chi- 
valry, or song. Indeed, even the philosopinc 
Bacon declared the Americans to be people pro- 
scribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they 
had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and 
feeding upon man's flesh. 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- 
barism: among many otherwriters of discernment, 
Ulloa tells us '' their imbecility is so visible, that 
one can hardly form an idea of them different 
from what one has of the brutes. Nothing dis- 
turbs the tranquilhty of their souls, equally insen- 
sible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half 



72 THEIR WANT OF AMBITION. 

naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his 
most splendid array. Fear makes no impression 
on them, and respect as httle." All this is fur- 
thermore supported hy the authority of M. Bou- 
guer. " It is not easy^" says he, " to describe 
the degree of their indifference for wealth and all 
its advantages. One does not well know what 
motives to propose to them when one would per- 
suade them to any service. It is vain to offer 
them money ; they answer that they are not hun- 
gry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring 
us that " ambition they have none, and are more 
desirous of being thought strong than valiant. 
The objects of ambition with us — honour, fame, 
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, are un 
known among them. So that this powerful spring 
of action, the cause of so much ^^emm^ good and 
real evil in the world, has no power over them, 
hi a word, these unhappy mortals may be com- 
pared to children, in whom the development of 
reason is not completed." 

Now ail these peculiarities, although in the un- 
enlightened states of Greece they would have en- 
titled their possessors to immortal honour, as hav- 
ing reduced to practice those rigid and abstemious 
maxims, the mere talking about which acquired 
certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and 
pliilosophers ; — yet, were they clearly proved in 
the present instance to betoken a most abject and 
brutified nature, totally beneath the human cha- 



TrtE ABORIGINES MERE WILD BEASTS. 73 

racter. But the benevolent fathers, who had un- 
dertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb 
beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still strong- 
er proofs ; for as certain divines of the sixteenth 
century, and among the rest Lullus, affirm — the 
Americans go naked, and have no beards ! — 
*• They have nothing," says Lullus, " of the rea- 
sonable animal, except the mask." — And even 
that mask was allowed to avail them but little, 
for it was soon found that they were of a hideous 
copper complexion — and being of a copper com- 
plexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes 
— and negroes are black, " and black," said the 
pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, " is 
the colour of the Devil !" Therefore, so far 
from being able to own property, they had no 
right even to personal freedom— ^for liberty is too 
radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. 
All which circumstances plainly convinced the 
righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that 
these miscreants had no title to the soil that they 
infested — that they were a perverse, illiterate, 
dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere wild beasts 
of the forests, and like them should either be sub- 
dued or exterminated. 

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and 
a variety of others equally conclusive, which I 
forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that 
this fair quarter of the globe when first visited by 
Europeans, was a howhng wilderness, inhabited 
7* 



74 RIGHT OF DISCOVERV. 

bj nothing but wild beasts ; and that the trans- 
atlantic visiters acquired an incontrovertible pro- 
perty therein, by the right of discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now come 
to the next, which is the right acquired by culti- 
zaiion, " The cultivation of the soil," we are 
told, ''is an obligation imposed by nature on man- 
'' kind. The whole world is appointed for the 
-" nourishment of its inhabitants : but it would be 
" incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Eve- 
'• ry nation is then obliged by the law of nature 
" to cultivate the ground that has fallen to its 
'' share. Those people, like the ancient Germans 
" and modern Tartars, who, having fertile coun- 
" tries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose 
'•' to live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, 
" and deserve to be exterminated as savage and 
*'* pernicious beasts,^^* 

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no- 
thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the 
Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorder- 
ly, unrighteous hfe, — rambhng from place to 
place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontane- 
ous luxuries of nature, without tasking her gene- 
rosity to yield them any thing more ; whereas it 
has been most unquestionably shown, that heaven 
intended the earth should be ploughed and sown, 
and manured, and laid out into cities, and towns, 
and farms, and country seats, and pleasure 

^^ Vattel, b.i.ch. 17. 



RIGHT OF CULTIVATION. iO 

grounds, and public gardens, all which the In- 
dians knew nothing about — therefore, they did 
not improve the talents Providence had bestowed 
on them — therefore, they were careless stewards 
— therefore, they had no right to the soil — there- 
fore, they deserved to be exterminated. 

It is true, the savages might plead that thej 
drew all the benefits from the land which their 
simple wants required- — they found plenty of 
game to hunt, which, together with the roots and 
uncultivated fruits of the earth, furnished a suf- 
ficient variety for their frugal repasts ; — and that 
as heaven merely designed the earth to form the 
abode, and satisfy the wants of man ; so long as 
those purposes were answered, the will of hea- 
ven was accomplished. — But this only proves 
how undeserving they were of the blessings 
around them — they were so much the more sa- 
vages, for not having more wants ; for knowledge 
is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is 
this superiority both in the number and magnitude 
of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the 
beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more 
wants, were very unreasonable animals ; and it 
was but just that they should make way for the Eu- 
ropeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, 
and, therefore, would turn the earth to more ac- ' 
count, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfd the 
will of heaven. Besides — Grotius and Lautcr- 
bach, and Puffendorif, and Titius, and many wise 



76 SAVAGES HAVE NO RIGHTS. 

men beside, who have considered the matter pro- 
perly, have determined, that the property of a 
country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting 
wood, or drawing water in it — nothing but precise 
demarcation of Hmits, and the' intention of culti- 
vation, can establish the possession. Now as the 
savages (probably from never having read the au- 
thors above quoted) had never complied with any 
of these necessary forms, it plainly followed that 
they had no right to the soil, but that it was com- 
pletely at the disposal of the first comers, who had 
more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant, 
that is to say, artificial desires than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered, unculti- 
vated country, therefore, the new comers were 
but taking possession of what, according to the 
aforesaid doctrine, was their own property — 
therefore, in opposing them, the savages were in- 
vading their just rights, infringing the immutable 
laws of nature, and counteracting the will of hea- 
ven — therefore, they were guilty of impiety, bur- 
glary, and tresspass on the case, — therefore, thej 
were hardened offenders against God and man — 
therefore, they ought to be exterminated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I 
have mentioned, and one which will be the most 
readily admitted by my reader, provided he be 
blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, 
is the right acquired by civilization. All the world 
knows the lamentable state in which these poor 



BLESSINGS CONFERRED ON THEM. 7? 

savages were found. Not only deficient in the 
comforts of life, but what is still worse, most pite- 
ously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of 
their situation. But no sooner did the benevolent 
inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition 
than they immediately went to work to ameliorate 
and improve it. They introduced among them 
rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life — 
and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor 
savages learn to estimate these blessings — they 
likewise made known It) them a thousand reme- 
dies, by which the most inveterate diseases are al- 
leviated and healed; and that they might compre- 
hend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these 
medicines, they previously introduced among 
them the diseases which they were calculated to 
cure. By these and a variety of other methods 
was the condition of these poor savages wonder- 
fully improved ; they acquired a thousand wants, 
of which they had before been ignorant ; and as he 
has most sources of happiness who has most wants 
to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a 
much happier race of beings. 

But the most important branch of civihzation, 
and which has most strenuously been extolled by 
the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish 
Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. 
It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, 
to behold these savages stumbling among the 
dark njountains of paganism, and guilty of the 



78 THEIR WANT OF RELIGION ; 

most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, 
they neither stole nor defrauded; they were sober, 
frugal, continent, and faithful to their word \ but 
though they acted right habitually, it w^as all in 
yain, unless they acted so from precept. The new 
comers, therefore, used every method to induce 
them to embrace and practise the true religion — 
except indeed that of setting them the example. 

But notw ithstanding all these complicated la- 
bours for their good, such w^as the unparalleled 
obstinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they 
ungratefully refused to acknow^ledge the strangers 
as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving 
the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most 
insolently alleging, that from their conduct, the 
advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe 
in it themselves. Was not this too much for hu- 
man patience? — would not one suppose that the 
benign visitants from Europe, provoked at their 
incredulity, and discouraged by their stiff-necked 
obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their 
shores, and consigned them to their original ig- 
norance and misery? — But no — so zealous were 
they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal 
salvation of these pagan infidels, that they even 
proceeded from the milder means of persuasion, 
to the more painful and troublesome one of per- 
secution — let loose among them whole troops of 
fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified 
them by fire and sw^ord, by stake and -faggot ; 



AND HOW PURIFIED. 79 

in consequence of which indefatigable measures 
the cause of Christian love and charity was so 
rapidly advanced, that in a very few years not 
one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in 
South America that were found there at the time 
of its discovery. 

What stronger right need the European set- 
tlers advance to the country than this ? Have 
not whole nations of uninformed savages been 
made acquainted with a thousand imperious wants 
and indispensable comforts, of which they were 
before wholly ignorant. — Have they not been lite- 
rally hunted and smoked out of the dens and 
lurking places of ignorance and infidelity, and 
absolutely scourged into the right path ? Have 
not the temporal things, the vain baubles and fil- 
thy lucre of this world, which were too apt to en- 
gage their worldl}'^ and selfish thoughts, been be- 
nevolently taken from them ! and have they not, 
instead thereof, been taught to set their affections 
on things above ? — And finally, to use the words 
of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his 
superior in Spain — " Can any one have the pre- 
sumption to say that these savage Pagans have 
yielded any thing more than an inconsiderable 
recompense to their benefactors; in surrender- 
ing to them a httle pitiful tract of this dirty 
sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious in- 
heritance in thetoigdom of Heaven !" 



to RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER. 

Here then are three complete and undeniable 
sources of right estabhshed, any one of which 
was more than ample to establish a property in 
the newly discovered regions of America. Now, 
so it has happened in certain parts of this delight- 
ful quarter of the globe, that the right of disco- 
very has been so strenuously asserted — the influ- 
ence of cultivation so industriously extended, and 
the progress of salvation and civilization so zea- 
lously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant 
wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases and other 
partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great 
benefits — the savage aborigines have, somehow or 
another, been utterly annihilated — and this all at 
once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth 
all the others put together — For the original clai- 
mants to the soil being all dead and buried, and 
no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, 
the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, 
entered upon the possession as clearly as the hang- 
man succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor — 
and as they have Blackstone,* and all the learned 
expounders of the law on their side, they may set 
all actions of ejectment at defiance — and this last 
right may be entitled the right by extermina- 
tion, or in other words, the RIGHT BYGUNPOWDER. 
But lest any scruples of conscience should re- 
main on this head, and to settle the question of 

*B1. Com. b. ii. c. 1. 



EUROPEANS ENTITLED TO THE SOIL. 81 

right for ever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. 
issued a bull, by which he generously granted the 
newly discovered quarter of the globe to the Span- 
iards and Portuguese ; who, thus having law and 
gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great 
spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither 
favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of 
discovery, colonization, civilization, and exter- 
mination, with ten times more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first 
discovered America clearly entitled to the soil ; 
and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to 
the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for 
having come so far, endured so many perils by 
bea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for 
no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, un- 
civilized, and heathenish condition — for having 
made them acquainted with the comforts of life; 
for having introduced among them the light of re- 
ligion, and finally — for having hurried them out 
of the world, to enjoy its reward ! 

But as argument is never so well understood 
by us selfish mortals as when it comes home to 
ourselves, and as I am particularly anxious that 
this question should be put to rest for ever, I will 
suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the 
candid attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the 
moon, ])y astonishing advancement in science, and 
by profound insight into that lunar philosophy. 

VOL. N 8 



82 EXPEDITION PROM THE MOON. 

the mere flickerings of which have of late years 
dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow 
brains of the good people of our globe — let us 
suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, 
by these means, had arrived at such a command 
of their energies, such an enviable state oiperfec- 
tibiliti/, as to controul the elements, and navigate 
the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose 
a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in 
the course of an aerial voyage of discovery among 
the stars, should chance to alight upon this out- 
landish planet. 

And here I beg my readers will not have the 
uncharitableness to smile, as is too frequently 
the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the 
grave speculations of philosophers. I am far from 
indulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is 
the supposition I have been making so wild as 
many may deem it. It has long been a very se- 
rious and anxious question with me, and many a 
time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming 
cares and contrivances for the welfare and pro- 
tection of this my native planet, have I lain awake 
whole nights debating in my mind, whether it 
were most probable we should first discover and 
civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civil- 
ize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sail- 
ing in the air and cruising among the stars be a 
whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to 
us, than was the European mystery of navigating 



NOT A WILD SUPPOSITION. 83 

floating castles, through the world of waters, to 
the simple savages. We have already discovered 
the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our 
planet, hy means of balloons, as the savages had 
of venturing along their sea coasts in canoes ; and 
the disparity between the former, and the aerial 
vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might 
not be greater than that between the bark canoes 
of the savages, and the mighty ships of their dis- 
coverers. I might here pursue an endless chain 
of similar speculations ; but as they would be un- 
important to my subject, I abandon them to my 
reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as mat- 
ters well worthy of his attentive consideration. 

To return then to my supposition — let us sup- 
pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, 
possessed of vastly superior knowledge to our- 
selves ; that is to say, possessed of superior know- 
ledge in the art of extermination — riding on Hjp- 
pogriffs — defended with impenetrable armour — 
armed with concentrated sun-beams, and provided 
with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon stones : 
in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will 
permit the supposition, as superior to us in know- 
ledge, and consequently in power, as the Euro- 
peans were to the Indians, when they first disco- 
vered them. All this is very possible ; it is only 
our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise; 
and I warrant the poor savages, before they had 
any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the 



$4 PROGRESS OF THE EXPEDITIOJT. 

terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun- 
powder, were as perfectly convinced that they 
themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, 
powerful, and perfect of created heings, as are, 
at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of 
old England, the volatile populace of France, or 
even the self satisfied citizens of this most enlight- 
ened republic. 

Let ussuppose, moreover, that the aerial voya- 
gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howl- 
ing wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and 
wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in 
the name of his most gracious and philosophic 
excellency, the man in the moon. Finding, how- 
ever, that their numibers are incompetent to hold 
it ia complete subjection, on account of the fero- 
cious barbarity of its inhabitants; they shall take 
our worthy President, the King of England, the 
Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the 
great King of Bantam, and returning to their na- 
tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the 
Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts 
of Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette 
of the court requires, they shall address the puis- 
sant man in the moon, in, as near as I can con- 
jecture, the following terms : 

" Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do- 
minions extend as far as eye can reach, who ri* 



ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 85 

deth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a look- 
ing-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled controul over 
tides, madmen, and sea crabs. We thy liege sub- 
jects have just returned from a voyage of disco- 
very, in the course of which we have landed and 
taken possession of that obscure httle dirty planet, 
which thou beholdest rolhng at a distance. The 
five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into 
this august presence, were once very important 
chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race 
of beings totally destitute of the common attributes 
of humanity ; and differing in every thing from 
the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as they 
carry their heads upqp their shoulders, instead 
of under their arms — have two eyes instead of 
one — are utterly destitute of tails, and of a varie- 
ty of unseemly complexions, particularly of a 
horrible whiteness — instead of pea green. 

" We have moreover found these miserable sa- 
vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance 
and depravity, every man shamelessly living with 
his own wife, and rearing his own children, in- 
stead of indulging in that community of wives 
enjoined byihe law of nature, as expounded by 
the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they 
have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among 
them, but are, in fact, utterheretics, ignoramuses, 
and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, 
on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, 
8* 



86 ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 

we have endeavoured, while we remained on their 
planet, to introduce among them the light of rea- 
son—and the comforts of the moon. We have 
treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and 
draughts of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed 
with incredible voracity, particularly the females; 
and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into 
them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have 
insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible 
shackles of religion and common sense, and ado- 
ring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect ener- 
gy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable per- 
fection. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy 
of these wretched savagesf that they persisted in 
cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their re- 
ligion, and absolutely set at nought the sublime 
doctrines of the moon — nay, among other abomi- 
nable heresies, they even went so far as blasphe- 
mously to declare, that this ineffable planet was 
made of nothing more norless than green cheese!'^ 
At these words, the great man in the moon (be- 
ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a 
terrible passion, and possessing equal authority 
over things that do not belong to him, as did whi- 
lome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue a 
formidable bull, specifying, " That, whereas a 
certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered, 
and taken possession of a newly discovered planet 
tailed the earth — and that whereas it is inhabited 



THE MAN IN THE MOOn's BULL. 87 

hy none but a race of two legged animals that' 
carry their heads on their shoulders instead of 
under their arms; cannot talk the lunatic lan- 
guage ; have two eyes instead of one ; are desti- 
tute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead 
of pea green — therefore, and for a variety of 
other excellent reasons, they are considered in- 
capable of possessing any property in the planet 
they infest, and the right and title to it are con- 
firmed to its original discoverers. — And further- 
more, the colonists who are now about to depart 
to the aforesaid planet are authorized and com- 
manded to use every means to convert these infi- 
del savages from the darkness of Christianity, 
and make them thorough and absolute lunatics." 
In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi- 
losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. 
The}^ seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us 
from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our 
wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to 
complain, they will turn upon us and say. Mise- 
rable barbarians! ungrateful wretches! have we 
not come thousands of miles to improve your 
worthless planet! have we not fed you with moon- 
shine ; have we not intoxicated you with nitrous 
oxyde ; does not our moon give you hght every 
night, and have you the baseness to murmur, when 
we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits ? 
But finding that we not only persist in absolute 



88 RIGHT OF THE EARLY COLONISTS. 

contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in their 
philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to de- 
fend our property, their patience shall be exhaust- 
ed, and they shall resort to their superior powers 
of argument ; hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us 
with concentrated sun-beams, demolish our cities 
with moon stones ; until having, by main force, 
converted us to the true faith, they shall gracious- 
ly permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Ara- 
bia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to en- 
joy the blessings of civilization and the charms 
of lunar philosophy, in much the same manner 
as the reformed and enhghtened savages of this 
country are kindly sutfered to inhabit the inhos- 
pitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable 
wildernesses of South America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strik- 
ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists 
to the possession of this country ; and thus is this 
gigantic question completely vanquished : so hav- 
ing manfully surmounted all obstacles, and sub- 
dued all opposition, what remains but that: I 
should forthwith conduct my readers into the city 
which we have been so long in a manner besieg- 
ing ? But hold ; before 1 proceed another step, I 
must pause to take breath, and recover from the 
excessive fatigue I have undergone, in preparing 
to begin this most accurate of histories. And in 
this I do but imitate the example of a renowned 



RENOWNED DUTCH TUMBLER. S9 

Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of 
three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, 
but having run himself out of breath by the time 
he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for 
a few moments to blow, and then walked over it 
at his leisure. 



BOOK II. 



TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE I'RO- 
VINCE OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

In which are contained divers reasons why a man 
should not write in a hurry, Also, of Master 
Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange 
country — and how he was magnificently re- 
warded by the munificence of their High Mighti' 
nesses. 

My great grandfather, by the mother's side, 
Hermanus Van Clattercop, when employed to 
build the large stone church at Rotterdam, which 
stands about three hundred yards to your left 
after you turn off from the Boomkeys, and which 
is so conveniently constructed, that all the zealous 
Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through 
a sermon there to any other church in the city — 
my great grandfather, I say, when employed to 
build tiiat farnoas church, did in the first place 
send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having 



HOW HE BUILT A CHURCH. Si 

purchased a new spitting box ai^dahundred weight 
of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did 
nothing for the space of three months but smoke 
most laboriously. Then did he spend full three 
months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging 
in trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — 
to Delft — to Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, 
knocking his head and breaking his pipe against 
every church in his road. Then did he advance 
gradually nearer and nearer to Rotlerdam, until 
he came in full sight of the identical spot where- 
on the church Avas to be built. Then did he spend 
three months longer in walking round it and round 
it, contemplating it, first from one point of view, 
and then from another — now would he be paddled 
by it on the canal — now would he peep at it 
through a telescope, from the other side of the 
Meuse,and now would he take a bird's-eye glance 
at it, from the top of one of those gigantic wind 
mills which protect the gates of the city. The 
good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of ex- 
pectation and impatience — notwithstanding all 
the turmoil of my great grandfather, not a symp- 
tom of the church was yet to be seen ; they even 
began to fear it would never be brought into the 
world, but that its great projector would lie down 
and die in labour of the mighty plan he had con- 
ceived. At length, having occupied twelve good 
months in puffing and paddling, and talking and 
walking — having travelled over all Holland, and 



92 HIS EXAMPLE FOLLOWEB* 

even taken a peep into France and Germanj— 
having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, 
and three hundred weight of the best Virginia 
tobacco — my great grandfather gathered together 
all that knowing and industrious class of citizens 
who prefer attendmg to any body's business soon- 
er than their own, and having pulled off his coat 
and five pair of breeches, he advanced sturdily 
up, and laid the corner stone of the church, in 
the presence of the whole multitude — -just at the 
commenceriieiit of the thirteenth month. 

In a similar manner, and with the example of 
my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I 
proceeded in writing this most authentic history. 
The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my 
grest grandfather was doing nothing at all to the 
purpose, while he was making such a world of 
prefatory bustfce, about the building of his church 
— and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this 
fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
preliminary chapters, with the discovery, popula- 
tion, and final settlement of America, were total- 
ly irrelevaiit and superiluous — and that the main 
business, the history of New-York, is not a jot 
more advanced, than if 1 had never taken up my 
pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in 
their conjectures ; in conseqnence of going to work 
slowlf^ and deliberately, the church came out of 
my grandfather's hands one of the most sump- 
tuous, goodly, and glorious edifices in the known 



HENDtlICK HUDSON DESCRIBED. 93 

world — excepting that, like our magnificent capi- 
tol, at Washington, it was begun on so grand a 
scale that the good folks could not afford to finish 
more than the wing of it. So, Ukewise, I trust, if 
ever I am able to finish this work on the plan 
I have commenced, (of which, in simple truth, I 
sometimes have my doubts,) it will be found that 
I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as ex- 
emplified in the writings of all the great Ameri- 
can historians, and wrout;ht a very large history 
out of a small subject — which, now a-days, is con- 
sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. 
To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. 

In the ever memorable year of our Lord, 1 C09, 
on a Saturday morning, the five-and-twentieth 
day of March, old style, did that " worthy and 
irrecoverable discoverer, (as he has justly been 
called,) Master Henry Hudson,"^^et sail from 
Holland in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, 
being employed by the Dutch East India Compa- 
ny, to seek a north-west passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, 
Hendrick) Hudson, was a sea-faring man of re- 
nown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under 
Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the 
first to introduce it into Holland, which gained 
him much popularity in that country, and caused 
him to find great favour in the eyes of their High 
Mightinesses, the lords states gereral, ai;d also 
of the honourable West India Company. He was 

VOL. I. 9 



94 ROBERT JUET ; HIS MATE ; 

a short, square, brawny old geatleman, with a 
double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper 
nose, which was supposed in those days to have 
acquired its fiery hue from the constant neigh- 
bourhood of his tobacco pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a 
leathern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on 
one side of his head. He was remarkable for 
always jerking up his breeches when he gave out 
his orders, and his voice sounded not unhke the 
brattling of a tin trumpet — owing to the number 
of hard north- westers which he had swallowed 
in the course of his sea-faring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have 
heard so much, and know so little : and I have 
been thus particular in his description for the 
benefit of modern painters and statuaries, that 
they may represent him as^e was; and not, ac- 
cording to their common custom with modern 
heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus 
Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere. 

As chief mate and favourite companion, the com- 
modore chose master Robert J uet, of Limehouse, 
in England. By some his name has been spelled, 
Chewit, and ascribed to the circumstance of his 
having been the first man that ever chewed tobac- 
co ; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy; more 
especially as certain of his progeny are living at 
this day, who write their names J uet. He was an 
old comrade and early schoolmate of the great 



HIS JOURNAL. 95 

Hudson, with whom he had often played truant 
and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring pond,Avhen 
they were httie boys — from whence it is said the 
commodore first derived his bias towards a sea- 
faring hfe. Certain it is, that the old people about 
Limehouse declared Robert Juct to be an unlucky 
urchiii, prone to mischief, that would one day or 
other come to the gallows. 

He grew up as boys of that kind often grov/ up, 
a rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all 
quarters of the world — meeting with more perils 
and wonders than did Sinbad tlie Sailor, without 
growing a whit more wise, prudent, or iil-natiired. 
Under every misfortune, he comforted himself 
with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic 
maxim, that " it will be all the same thing a hun- 
dred years hence." He was skilled in the art of 
carving anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk 
heads and quarter railings, and was considered a 
great wit on board ship, in consequence of his 
playing pranks on every body around, and now 
and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick, 
when his back was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for 
many particulars concerning this voyage; of which 
he wrote a history, at the request of the commo- 
dore, who had an unconquerable aversion to wri- 
ting himself, from having received so many flog* 
gings about it when at school. To supply the 
deficiencies of master Juet's journal, which h 



!iU OCCURRENCES DURING 

written with true log-book brevity, I have availed 
myself of divers family traditions, handed down 
from my great great grandfather, v\^ho accompa- 
nied the expedition in the capacity of cabin boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy 
of remark happened in the voyage ; and it morti- 
fies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted 
an expedition into my w^ork, without making any 
more of it. 

Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and 
tranquil — the crew, being a patient people, much 
given to slumber and vacuity, and but little trou- 
bled wdth the disease of thinking — a malady of the 
mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. 
Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour 
crout, and every man was allow^ed to sleep quiet- 
ly at his post unless the wind blew. True it is, 
some slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or 
three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct 
of Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he 
forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, 
and the weather serene, which was considered 
among the most experienced Dutch seamen, as 
certain zveather breeders, or prognostics, that the 
w^eather would change for the worse. He acted, 
moreover, in direct contradiction- to that ancient 
and sage rule of the Dutch navigators, w^ho always 
took in sail at night — put the helm a-port, and 
turned in — by which precaution they had a good 
night's rest— were sure of knowing where they 



THE VOYAGE. 97 

were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
of running down a continent in the dark. He like- 
wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more 
than five jackets and six pair of breeches, under 
pretence of rendering them more alert ; and no 
man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails 
with a pipe inhis mouth, as is the invariable Dutch 
custom at the present day. All these grievances, 
though they might ruffle for a moment the con- 
stitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, 
made but transient impression ; they eat hugely, 
drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and be- 
ing under the especial guidance of Providence, the 
ship was safely conducted to the coast of America; 
where, after sundry unimportant touchings and 
standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth 
day of September, entered that majestic bay, 
which at this day expands its ample bosom before 
the city of New- York, and which had never be- 
fore been visited by any European.* 

* True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in 
a certain aprocrjphal book of voyag-es, compiled by one 
Hakluyt, is to be found a letter written to I'rancis the First, 
by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which some wri- 
ters are inclined to found a belief that this delig-htful bay 
had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage 
of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met 
with the countenance of certain very judicious and learn- 
ed men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for vari6us good 
and substantial reasons : Firsts Because on strict exami- 
nation it will be found, that the description given by this 
9* 



91J 



DISCOVERY or A 



It has been traditionary in our family, that when 
the great navigator was first blessed with a view 
of this enchanting island, he was observed, for the 
first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong 
symptoms of astonishment and admiration. He is 
said to have turned to master J net, and uttered 
these remarkable words, while he pointed towards 
this paradise of the new world — "See! there!" — 
and thereupon, as was always his way when he 
was uncommonly pleased, he did pulf out such 
clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute 

Verezzani applies about as well to the bay of New-York 
as it does to my night cap. Secondly^ Because that this 
John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most 
bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; and every body 
knows the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which 
they filched away the laurels from the brows of the im- 
mortal Colon, (vulgarly called Columbus,) and bestowed 
them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci ; and 
I make no doubt they are equally ready to r*)b the illus- 
trious Hudson of the credit of discovering this beautiful 
island, adorned by the city of New-York, and placing it 
beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, 
thirdly^ I award my decision in favour of the pretensions 
of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed 
from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enter- 
prise — and though all the proofs in the world were intro- 
duced on the other side, I would set them at nought, as un- 
deserving my attention. If these tliree reasons be not 
sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city — all 
I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their 
venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trou- 
ble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick 
Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 



BEAUTIFUL COUNTRV. 99 

the vessel was out of sight of land, and master 
Juet was fain to wait until the winds dispersed 
this impenetrable fog. 

It was indeed — as my great great grandfather 
used to say — though in truth I never heard him, 
for he died, as might be expected, before I was 
born — " it was indeed a spot on siwhich the eye 
might have revelled for ever, in ever new and 
never ending beauties." The island of Manna- 
hata spread wide before them, like some sweet 
vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industri- 
ous magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled gen- 
tly one above another, crowned with lofty trees of 
luxuriant growth ; some pointing their tapering 
foliage towards the clouds, which were gloriously 
transparent; and others loaded with a verdant bur- 
then of clambering vines, bowing their branches 
to the earth, that was covered with flowers. On 
the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in 
gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the 
wild brier, whose scarlet berries and white blos- 
soms glowed brightly among the deep green of the 
surrounding foliage ; and here and there a curling 
column of smoke rising from the little glens that 
opened along the shore, seemed to promise the 
weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their 
fellow creatures. As they stood gazing with en- 
tranced attention on the scene before them, a red 
man, crowned with feathers, issued from one of 
these glens, and after contemplating in silent won- 
der the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan 



iOO A RED MAN. 

swimming on a silver lake, sounded the wai'- 
whoop, and bounded into the woods like a wild 
deer, to the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic 
Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or 
witnessed such a caper in their whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the 
savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes, 
and ate dried currants ; how they brought great 
store of tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one 
of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I shall 
saynothing; being that I consider them unimport- 
ant to my history. After tarrying a few days in 
the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their 
sea-faring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to ex- 
plore a mighty river which emptied into the bay. 
This river, it is said, was known among the sava- 
ges by the name of the Shatemuck ; though we are 
assured in an excellent little history published in 
1674, by John JosSelyn, Gent, that it was called 
the Mohegan,'^ and master Richard Bloome, who 
wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same — so 
that I very much incline in favour of the opinion 
of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, 
up this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro- 
ceed, little doubting but it would turn out to be 
the much looked for passage to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divers 
interviews between the crew and the natives, in 

* This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as 
Manhattan — Noordt — Montaigne and Mauritius river. 



hendrick's notable device. 101 

the voyage up the river; but as they would be im- 
pertinent to my history, I shall pass over them in 
silence, except the following dry joke, played off 
by the old commodore and his school-fellow, Ro- 
bert Juet, which does such vast credit to their ex- 
perimental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from 
inserting it. '' Our master and his mate determin- 
ed to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, 
whether they had any treacherie in them. So they 
tooice them downe into the cabin, and gave them 
so much wine and aqua vitae, that they were all 
merrie ; and one of them had his wife with him, 
which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey 
women would do in a strange place. In the end, 
one of them was drunke, which had been aboarde 
of our ship all the time that we had been there, 
and that was strange to them, for they could not 
tell how to take it."* 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious ex- 
periment, that the natives were an honest, social 
race of jolly roysters, who had no objection to a 
drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups, 
the old commodore chuckled hugely to him&elf, 
and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his 
cheek, directed master Juet to have it carefully 
recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural 
philosophers of the university of Leyden — which 
done, he proceeded on his voyage, witK great self- 
Gomplacency. After sailing, however, above an 

* Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil, 



102 MAKES A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY. 

hundred miles up the river, he found the waterj 
world around him began to grow more shallow and 
confined, the current more rapid, and perfectly 
fresh — phenomena not uncommon in the ascent 
of rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutch- 
men prodigiousl)^ A consultation was therefore 
called, and having deliberated fall six hours, thej 
were brought to a determination, by the ship's 
running aground — whereupon they unanimously 
concluded, that there was but little chance of 
getting to China in this direction. A boat, how- 
ever, was despatched to explore higher up the 
river, which, onits return, confirmed the opinion — 
upon this the ship was warped oiFand put about, 
with great difficulty, being like most of her sex, 
exceedingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous 
Hudson, according to the account of my great 
great grandfather, returned down the river — 
with a prodigious flea in his ear ! 

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood 
of getting to China, unless like the blind man, he 
returned from w^hence he sat out, and took a fresh 
start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, 
where he was received with great welcome by the 
honourable East India Company, who were very 
much rejoiced to see him come back safe — with 
their ship ; and at a large and respectable meeting 
of the first merchants and burgomasters of Am- 
sterdam, it was unanimously determined, that as 
a munificent reward for the eminent services he 



HUDSON MUNIFICENTLY REWARDED. 103 

had performed, and the important discovery he 
had made, the great river Mohegan should be 
called after his name ! — and it continues to be 
called Hudson river unto this very day. 



104 ANOTHER EXPEDITION SETS OUT, 



CHAPTER II. 

*. 

Containing an account of a mighty Ark which 
floated, under the protection of St, Nicholas, 
from Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of 
the strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, 
and a description of the ancient village of Com- 
munipaw. 

The delectable accounts given by the great 
Hudson, and master Juet, of the country they had 
discovered, excited not a little tatk and specula- 
tion among the good people of Holland. Letters 
patent were granted by government to an associa- 
tion of merchants, called the West India Compa- 
ny, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on 
which they erected a trading house called Fort 
Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring the 
great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on 
the various commercial and colonizing enterpri- 
ses which took place ; among which was that of 
Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave 
a name to Block Island, since famous for its 
cheese — and shall barely confine myself to that 
which gave birth to this renowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the return 
of the immortal Henf'rick, that a crew of honest, 
Low Dutch colonists set sail from the citv of Am- 



©ESCRIPTION 6P the GOEDE VROUW. 105 

sterdam, for the shores of America. It is an irre- 
parable loss to history, and a great proof of the 
darkness of the age, and the lamentable neglect 
of the noble art of book-making, since so indus- 
triously cultivated by knowing sea-captains, and 
learned supercargoes, that an expedition so in- 
teresting and important in its results, should be 
passed over in utter silence. To my great great 
grandfather am I again indebted for the few facts 
I am enabled to give concerning it — he having 
once more embarked for this country, with a full 
determination, as he said, of ending his days here 
— and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, that 
should rise to be great men in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers 
set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or good wo- 
man, in compliment to the wife of the President 
of the West India Company, who was allowed by 
every body (except her husband,) to be a sweet 
tempered lady — when not in liquor. It was in truth 
a most gallant vessel, of the most approved Dutch 
construction, and made by the ablest ship carpen- 
ters of Amsterdam, who it is well known, always 
model their ships after the fair forms of their coun- 
trywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet 
in the beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one 
hundred feet from the bottom of the stern post to 
the taffarel. Like the beauteous model, who was 
declared to be the greatest belie in Amsterdam, 
it was" full in the bows, with a pair of enormou? 

VOL. I. 10 



106 DESCRIPTION OF THE GOEDE VROUW. 

cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most 
prodigious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a rehgioug 
man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, 
such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules, (which 
heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occa- 
sion the misfortunes and shipwreck of many a 
noble vessel,) he, I say, on the contrary, did lauda- 
bly erect for a head, a goodly image of St. Nicho- 
las, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a 
huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that 
reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gal- 
lantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, 
like a majestic goose, out of the harbour of the 
great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, that 
w^ere not otherwise engaged, rang a triple bob- 
major on the joyful occasion. 

My great great grandfather remarks, that the 
voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for, being 
under the especial care of the ever-revered St. 
Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endow- 
ed Avith qualities unknown to common vessels. 
Thus she made as much lee-way as head-way, 
could get along very nearly as fast with the wind 
a-head, as when it was a-poop— and was particu- 
larly great in a calm ; in consequence of which 
singular advantages, she made out to accomiiiish 
her voyage in a very few months, and came to 
anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to the 
cast of Gibbet Island. 



< 



•ARRIVAL AT GIBBET ISLAND. 107 

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what 
is at present called the Jersey shore, a small hi- 
dian village, pleasantly embowered in a grove of 
spreading elms, and the natives all collectedon the 
beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede 
Vrouw. A boat was immediately despatched to 
enter into a treaty with them, and approaching 
the shore, hailed them through a trumpet, in the 
most friendly terms ; but so horribly confounded 
were these poor savages at the tremendous and 
uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language, that 
they one and all took to their heels, scampered 
over the Bergen hills ; nor did they stop until they 
had buried themselves, head and ears, in the 
marshes on the other side, where they all mise- 
rably perished to a man — and their bones being 
collected and decently covered by the Tammany 
Society of that day, formed that singular mound 
called Rattle-snake hill, which rises out of the 
centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of 
the Newark Causeway. 

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our va- 
liant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took pos- 
session of the soil as conquerors in the name of 
their High Mightinesses the Lords States General; 
and marching fearlessly forward, carried the vil- 
lage of CoMMUNiPAw by storm, notwithstanding 
that it was vigorously defended by, some half a 
score of old squaws and poppooses. On looking 
about them they were so transported with the ex- 



.108 VICTORY OVER THE NATIVES. 

Gellencies of the place, that they had very Httle 
doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them 
thither, as the very spot whereon to settle their 
colony. The softness of the soil was wonderfully 
adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps and 
marshes around them afforded ample opportuni- 
ties for the constructing of dykes and dams ; the 
shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable 
to the building of docks — in a word, this spot 
abounded with all the requisites for the founda- 
tion of a great Dutch city. On makinga faithful 
report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede 
VrouWj ihey one and all determined that this 
was the destined end of their voyage. Accord- 
ingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, 
men, women, and children, in goodly groups, as 
did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed 
themselves into a thriving settlement, which they 
called by the Indian name Communipaw. 

As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquaint- 
ed with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat su- 
perfluous to treat of it in the present work ; but 
my readers will please to recollect, that notwith- 
standing it is my chief desire to satisfy the pre- 
sent age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and 
have to consult the understanding and curiosity 
of some half a score of centuries yet to come; by 
which time, perhaps, were it not for this invalua- 
ble history, the great Communipaw, like Baby- 
lon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities. 



SETTLEMENT AT COMMUNIPAW. 109 

might be perfectly extinct — sunk and forgotten 
in its own mud — its inhabitants turned into oys- 
ters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of 
learned controversy and hard-headed investiga- 
tion among indefatigable historians. Let me then 
piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics 
of a place, which was the egg from whence was 
hatched the mighty city of New- York ! 

Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
pleasantly situated, among rural scenery, on that 
beauteous part of the Jersey shore which was 
known in ancient legends by the name of Pavo- 
nia.t and commands a grand prospect of the su- 
perb bay of New- York. It is within but half an 
hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have 
a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the 
city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which I can 
testify from my own experience, that on a clear 
still summer evening, you may hear, from the bat- 
tery of New- York, the obstreperous peals of 
broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at 
Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are 
famous for their risible powers. This is peculiar- 
ly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is re- 
marked by an ingenious and observant philoso- 
pher, who has made great discoveries in the neigh- 



* Men by inaction degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes. 
•<. f Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of 
country extending from about Hoboken to Amboy. 
10* 



110 CHARACTER OP ITS INHABITANTS. 

boLirhood of this city, that they always laugh 
loudest — which he attributes to the circumstance 
of their having their holiday clothes on. 

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the 
dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, 
and being infinitely more adventurous and more 
knowing than their masters, carry on all the fo- 
reign trade; making frequent voyages to town in 
canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cab- 
bages. They are great astrologers, predicting the 
different changes of w^eather almost as accurately 
as an almanac — they are moreover exquisite per- 
formers on three stringed fiddles: in whistling 
they almost boast the far-famed powders of Or- 
pheus's lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the 
place, when at the plough or before the w^aggon, 
Avill budge a foot until he hears the well-know^n 
whistle of his black driver and companion. — 
And from their amazing skill at casting up ac- 
counts upon their fingers, they are regarded with 
, as much veneration as were the disciples of Py- 
thagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred 
quaternary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like 
wise men and sound philosophers, they never look 
beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about 
any afiairs out of their immediate neighbourhood; 
so that they live in profound and enviable igno- 
rance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions 



THEIR MANNERS, DRESS, LANGUAGE, <fcc. Ill 

ef this distracted planet. I am even told that 
many among them do verily beUeve that Holland, 
of which they have heard so much from tradition, 
is situated somewhere on Long-Island — that Spi- 
king-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of 
the world — that the country is still under the do- 
minion of their High Mightinesses, and that the 
city of New- York still goes by the name of Nieuw 
Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, 
at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a 
sign, a square-headed likeness of the Prince of 
Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe, by way 
of promoting social conviviality, and invariably 
drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral 
Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping 
the British channel, with a broom at his masthead. 
Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous 
little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful 
of cities, which are so many strong holds and fast- 
nesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch 
forefathers have retreated, and where they are 
cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. 
The dress of the original settlers is handed down 
inviolate, from father to son — the identical broad- 
brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad-bot- 
tomed breeches, continue from generation to ge- 
neration ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of 
massy silver, are still in wear, that made gallant 
display in the days of the patriarchs of Commu- 
nipaw. The language likewise continues una- 



112 THEIR MANNERS, DRESS, LANGUAGE, &€. 

dulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so cri- 
tically correct is the village school-master in his 
dialect, that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm 
has much the same ejfFect on the nerves as the 
fihng of a handsaw. 



INTERCOURSE WITH THE INDIANS. H3 



CHAPTER III. 

la zvhich is set forth the true art of making a bar- 
gain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of 
certain Heroes of Communipaw, 

Having, in the trifling digression which con- 
cluded the last chapter, discharged the fihal duty 
which the city of New- York owed to Communi- 
paw, as being the mother settlement ; and having 
given a faithful picture of it as it stands at pre- 
sent, I return with a soothing sentiment of self- 
approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The 
crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced 
by fresh importations from Holland, the settlement 
went jollily on, increasing in magnitude, and pros- 
perity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time 
became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the 
Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually took 
place between them and the new comers. The 
Indians were much given to long talks, and the 
Dutch to long silence — in this particular, there- 
fore they accommodated each other completely. 
The chiefs would make long speeches about the 
big bull, the wabash, and the great spirit, to which 
the others would listen very attentively, smoke 



114 WEIGHT OF A DUTCHMAN'S FOOT. 

their pipes, and grunt ?/ffA, myn-hcr — whereat the 
poor savages were wondrously dehghted. They 
instructed the new settlers in the best art of cu- 
ring and smoking tobacco, while the latter in re- 
turn, made them drunk with true Hollands — an^ 
then learned them the art of making bargains. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened : the 
Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their 
dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it 
as an invariable 4;able of avoirdupois, that the 
hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his 
foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians 
were often puzzled by the great disproportion be- 
tween bulk and weight, for let them place a bun- 
dle of furs, never so large, in,one scale, and a 
Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the 
bundle was sure to kick the beam — never was a 
package of furs known to weigh more than two 
pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 

This is a singular fact — but I have it direct 
from my great great grandfather, w^ho had risen 
to considerable importance in the colony, being 
promoted to the office of weigh master, on ac- 
count of the uncommon heaviness of his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe 
began now to assume a very thriving appearance, 
and were comprehended under the general title of 
Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Van- 
der Donck observes, of their great resemblance to 
the Dutch Netherlands — which indeed was trulv 



SMOKING, A MEANS OP SALVATION. 115 

remarkable, excepting that the former were rug- 
ged and mountainous, and the latter level and 
marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the 
Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary 
hiterruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, 
sailing under a commission from Dale, governor 
of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on 
Hudson River, and demanded their submission 
to the English crown and Virginian dominion, — 
To this arrogant demand, as they were in no con- 
dition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like 
discreet and reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal mo- 
lested the settlement of Communipaw; on thecon- 
trary, I am told that when his vessel first hove in 
sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such 
a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with 
astonishingvehemence ; insomuch thatlhe} quick- 
ly raised a cloud, which, combining with the sur- 
rounding woods and marshes, completely enve- 
loped and concealed their beloved village, and 
overhung the fair regions of Pavonia — So that the 
terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi- 
cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay 
snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this 
pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this 
fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have 
continued to smoke, almost without intermission, 
onto this very day ; which is said to be the cause 



116 A FERILOUS ENTERPRISE. 

of the remarkable fog that often hangs over Com- 
munipaw of a clear afternoon. 

Upon the departure of the enemy, our mag- 
nanimous ancestors took full six months to reco- 
ver their wind, having been exceedingly discom- 
posed by the consternation and hurry of alfairs. 
They then called a council of safety to smoke 
over the state of the province. After six months 
more of mature deliberation, during which nearly 
five hundred words were spoken, and almost as 
much tobacco was smoked as would have served 
a certain modern general through a whole win- 
ter's campaign of hard drinkitig, it was determin- 
ed to fit out an armament of canoes, and de- 
spatch them on a voyage of discovery ; to search 
if, peradventure, so'iie more sure and formidable 
position might not be found, where the colony 
would be less subject to vexatious visitations. 

This perilous enterprize was entrusted to the 
superintendence of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kort- 
landt, Abraham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van 
Zandt,and WinantTen Broeck — four indubitably 
great men, but of whose history, although I have 
made diligent inquiry, I can learn but httle, pre- 
vious to their leaving Holland. Nor need this oc- 
casion much surprise ; for adventurers, like pro- 
phets, though they make great noise abroad, have 
seldom much celebrity in their own countries; but 
this much is certain, that the overflowings and off- 
scourings of a country are invariably composed of 



PRIVILEGE OP ANCIENT HEROES. 117 

the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot 
help remarking how convenient it would be to 
many of our great men and great families of doubt- 
ful origin, could they have the privilege of the 
heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was 
involved in obscurity, modestly announced them- 
selves descended from a god — and who never vi- 
sited a foreign country but what they told some 
cock and bull stories about their being kings and 
princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, 
though it has occasionally been played olf by some 
pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious fo- 
reigner, in our land of good natured credulity, 
has been completely discountenanced in this 
sceptical, matter of fact age — and I even ques- 
tion whether any tender virgin, who was acci- 
dentally and unaccountably enriched with a bant- 
ling, would save her character at parlour fire-sides 
and evening tea-parties by ascribing the pheno- 
menon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river god. 

Thus being denied the benefit of mythology 

and classic fable, I should have been completely 

at a loss as to the early biography of my heroes, 

, had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their 

origin from their names. 

By this simple means have I been enabled to 
gather some particulars concerning the adven- 
turers in question. Van KortJandt, for instance, 
was one of those peripatetic philosophers who tax 
Providence for a livelihood, and like Diogenes.. 

VOL. I. 11 



lis A DUTCH DIOGENES. 

enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. 
He was usually arrayed in garments suitable to 
his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled 
by the hand of time ; and was helmeted with an 
old fragment of a hat which had acquired the 
shape of a sugar-loaf ; and so far did he carry his 
contempt for the adventitious distinction of dress, 
that it is said the remnant of a shirt, which co- 
vered his back, and dangled like a pocket hand- 
kerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never 
washed, except by the bountiful showers of hea- 
ven. In this garb was he usually to be seen, 
sunning himself at noon day, with a herd of phi- 
losophers of the same sect, on the side of the 
great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility 
of Europe, he took his name of Kortlandt (or lack 
land) from his landed estate, which lay some 
where in terra incognita. 

Of the next of our worthies, might I have had 
the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of 
which I have just lamented, I should have made 
honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious 
pedigree with the proudest hero of antiquity. His 
name was Van Zandt,^ which being freely trans- 
lated, signifies, yVom the dirt, meaning, beyond a 
doubt, that like Triptolemas, Themis, the Cy- 
clops and the Titans, he sprang from dame Terra, 
or the earth! This supposition is strongly corro- 
borated by his size, for it is well known that all 
the progeny of mother earth were of a <>iganlic 



TOUGH BREECHES AND TEN BREECHES. 119 

stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall 
raw-boned man, above six feet high — with an as- 
tonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the 
illustriotis Van Zandt a whit more improbable 
or repugnant to belief than what is related and 
universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or 
rather richest men ; who, we are told with the 
utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dung- 
hill ! 

Of the third hero but a faint description has 
reached to this time, which mentions that he was 
a sturdy, obstinate, hurley, bustling httle man ; 
and from being usually equipped with an old pair 
of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden 
Broeck, or Tough Breeches, 

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adven- 
turers. It is a singular, but ludicrous fact, which, 
were I not scrupulous in recordingthe whole truth, 
I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, 
as incompatible with the gravity and dignity of 
history, that this worthy gentleman should hke- 
wise have been nicknamed from the most whimsi- 
cal part of his dress. In fact, the small clothes 
seems to have been a very important garment in 
the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all 
probability to its really being the largest article q^ 
raiment among them. The name of Ten Broeck, 
or Tin Broeck is indifferently translated into Ten 
Breeches and Tin Breeches— the High Dutch com- 
»nentators incline to the former opinion ; and as^ 



120 DERIVATION OF TEN BREECHES. 

cribe it to his being the first who introduced into 
the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wear- 
ing ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant 
and ingenious writers on the subject declare in 
favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches ; from 
whence they infer, that he was a poor, but merry 
rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the sound- 
est, and who was the identical author of that truly 
philosophical stanza : 

*' Then why should we quarrel for riches, 

Or any such glittering toys ; 
A light heart and thin pair of breeches. 

Will go through the world, my brave boys !*♦ 

Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct 
this voyage into unknown realms ; and the whole 
was put under the superintending care and direc- 
tion of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was held in 
great reverence among the sages of Communipaw, 
for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. 
Having, as I before observed, passed a great part 
of his life in the open air, among the peripatetic 
philosophers of Amsterdam, he had become ama- 
zingly well acquainted with the aspect of the hea- 
vens, and could as accurately determine when a 
storm was brewing, or a squall rising, as a dutiful 
husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, 
when a tempest is gathering about his ears. He 
was moreover a great seer of ghosts and gobhns, 



Va!n kortlandt a prophet. 121 

and a firm believer in omens ; but what especial- 
ly recommended him to public confidence was 
his marvellous talent at dreaming, for there never 
was any thing of consequence happened at Com- 
munipaw but what he declared he had previously 
dreamt it ; being one of those infallible prophets 
who always predict events after they have come 
to pass. 

This supernatural gift was as highly valued 
among the burghers of Pavonia as it was among 
the enlightened nations of antiquity. The wise 
Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than 
his waking moments for all his subtle achieve- 
ments, and seldom undertook any great exploit 
without first soundly sleeping upon it ; and the. 
same may truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, 
who was thence aptly denominated, OloiFe the 
Dreamer. 

This cautious commander having chosen the 
crews that should accompany him in the proposed 
expedition, exhorted them to repair to their homes, 
take a good night's rest, settle all family atiairs, 
and make their wills, before departing on this 
voyage into unknown realms. And indeed this 
last was a precaution always taken by our fore- 
fathers, even in after times, when they became 
more adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw, 
or Kaatskili, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far 
country that lay beyond the great waters of the 
Tappaan Zee. 

11* 



122 GOLDEN CLOUDS AND TIN WEATHERCOCKS, 



CHAPTER IV. 

How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell- 
Gate^ and how they mere received there* 

And now the rosy blush of mom began to man- 
tle in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging 
from amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his 
blithsome rajs on the tin weathereocks of Com- 
munipaw. It was that delicious season of the year, 
when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom 
of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the 
tyranny of a sordid old father, threwherself, blush- 
ing with ten thousand charms, into the arms of 
youthful spring. Every tufted copse and bloom- 
ing grove resounded with the iiotes of hymeneal 
love. The very iasects, as they sipped the dew 
that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, 
joined inthe joyous epithaiamium — the virgin bud 
timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of the 
turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of 
man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh ! sweet 
Theocritus! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou 
erst didst charm the gay Sicilian [ialns — Or Oh! 
gentle Bion I thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy 
swains of the Lesbian isle so miich dehghted, then 
might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negU- 



BEPARTURE OP THE EXPEDITION. 123 

gent Idjllium,the rural beauties of the scene— but 
having nothing, save this jaded goose quill, where- 
with to wing my flight, I must fain resign all po- 
etic disportings of the fancy, and pursue my nar- 
rative inhumble prose 5 comforting myself with the 
hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon 
the imagination of my reader, yetmay it commend 
itself, with virgin modesty to his better Judgment, 
clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus 
dart into the windows of Communipaw, than the 
little settlement was all in motion. Forth issued 
from his castle the sage Van Kortland, and seiz- 
ing a conch shell, blew a far resounding blast, that 
soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did 
they trudge resolutely down to the water side, 
escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, 
who all went down, as the common phrase ex- 
presses it, 'Mo see them off." And this shows 
the antiquity of those long family processions, 
often seen in our city, composed of all ages, 
sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band- 
boxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, 
about to depart for home in a market-boat. 

The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squad- 
ron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board 
alittle round Dutch boat, shaped not unlikeatyb, 
whichhadformerly been thejoJiy boat of theGoede 
Vrouw. And now, all being embarked, they bade 
farewell to thegazing throng upon the beach, who 



!24 CURIOUS ORIGIN OP TWO ISLANDS. 

continued shouting after them, even when out of 
hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising 
them to take good care of themselves, not to get 
drowned — with an abundance other of those sage 
and invaluable cautions, generally given by lands- 
men to such as go down ta the sea in ships, and 
adventure upon the deep waters. In the mean 
while the voyagers cheerily urged their course 
across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left 
behind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia. 
And first they touched at two small islands 
which lie nearly opposite Communipa w, and which 
are said to have been brought into existence about 
the time of the great irruption of the Hudson, when 
it broke through the Highlands and made its way 
to the ocean.* For in this tremendous uproar of 
the waters, we are told that many huge fragments 
of rock and land were rent from the mountains 

* It is a matter long since establisheiiy certain of our 
philosophers, that is to say, having- been often advanced, 
and never contradicted, it has grown to be prett}' nigh 
equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson was originally a 
Jake, dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In 
process of lime, hovvever, becoming very mighty and ob- 
streperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, 
and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, 
it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle 
effected its escape. This is said to have comf to pass in 
very remote time, probably before tliat riveis hac^; l;>st the 
art of running up hill. The foregoing is a thj;ort in which 
I do not pretend to be skilled, notliwithstaiiding that i do 
fully give it my belief. 



THE H^DSOW ORIGINALLY A LAKE. 123 

and swept down by this runaway river, for sixty 
or seventy miles ; where some of them ran a- 
ground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, 
and formed the identical islands in question, while 
others drifted out to sea, and were never heard of 
more! A sufficient proof of the fact is, that the 
rock which forms the bases of these islands is ex- 
actly similar to that of the Highlands, and more- 
over one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
compared the agreement of their respective sur- 
faces, has even gone so far as to assure me, in con- 
fidence, that Gibbet Island was originally nothing 
more nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose.* 

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next 
coasted by Gfovernor's Island, since terrible from 
its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They 
would by no means, however, land upon this island, 
since they doubted much it might be the abode of 
demons and spirits, which in those days did greatly 
abound throughout this savage and pagan country. 

Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came 
rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek 
sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny ele- 
ment in sparkling showers. No sooner did the 
sage Olotfe mark this than he was greatly re- 
joiced. "This," exclaimed he, "if I mistake not, 
augurs well — the porpoise is a fat, well condi- 
tioned fish — a burgomaster among fishes — his 

* A promontory in the Highlands, 



156 AN AUSPICIOUS OMBN. 

looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity — I 
greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not 
but this is a happy omen of the success of our 
undertaking." So saying, he directed his squad- 
ron to steer in the tract of these alderman fishes. 

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they 
swept up the strait vulgarly called the East Ri- 
rer. And here the rapid tide which coursei 
through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in 
which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embark- 
ed, hurried it forward with a velocity unparal- 
leled in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; 
insomuch that the good commodore, who had all 
his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy 
navigation of canals, was more than ever con- 
vinced that they were in the hands of some su- 
pernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises 
were towing them to some fair haven that was to 
fulfil all their wishes and expectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they 
doubled that boisterous point of land since called 
Corlear's Hook,* and leaving to the right the rich 
winding cove of the Wallabout, they drifted into 
a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by 
pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly 
refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were 
looking around them, on what they conceived to 
be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a dis- 

* Properly spelt hgeck, (i. e. a point of land.) 



INTREPIDITY OF HENDRICK KIT, 157 

tance a crew of painted savages, busily employed 
in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this 
romantic region — their slender canoe lightly ba- 
lanced like a feather on the undulating surface 
of the bay. 

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of 
Communipaw were not a httle troubled. But as 
good fortune would have it, at the bow of the 
commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant 
man, named Hendrick Kip, (which being inter- 
preted, means chicken, a name given him in token 
of his courage.) No sooner did he behold these 
varlet heathens than he trembled with excessive 
valour, and although a good half mile distant, he 
seized a musquetoon that lay at hand, and turning 
away his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face 
of the blessed sun. The blundering weapon re- 
coiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious 
kick, that laid him prostrate with uplifted heeU 
in the bottom of the boat. But such was the ef- 
fect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of 
the .woods, struck with consternation, seized 
hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into one 
of tlie deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy 
voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they 
gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surround- 
ing bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's 
Bay from that time to the present. The heart of 
the good Van Kortlandt — who, having no land of 



128 A CONSULTATION. 

his own, was a great admirer of other people's — 
expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich un- 
settled country around him, and falling into a 
delicious reverie, he straightway began to riot in 
the possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and 
interminable patches of cabbages. From this 
delectable vision he was all at once awakened by 
the sudden turning of the tide, which would soon 
have hurried him from this land of promise, had 
not the discreet navigator given signal to steer 
for shore ; where they accordingly landed hard 
by the rocky heights of Bellevue — that happy 
retreat, where our ; oil)' aldermen eat for the good 
of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrifi- 
ced on civic solemnities. 

Here, seated on the green sward, by the side of 
a small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, 
they refreshed themselves after the toils of the 
seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which 
they had provided for this perilous voyage. Thus 
having well fortified their deliberative powers, they 
fell into an earnest consultation, what was farther 
to be done. This was the first council dinner ever 
eaten at Bellevue by Christian burghers, and here, 
as tradition relates, did originate the great family 
feud between the Hardeobroecks and the Ten- 
broecks, which afterwards had a singular influence 
on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden- 
broeck, whose eyes had been wonderously delight- 
ed with the salt marshes that spread their reeking 



©RIGIN OP A FAMILY PEUD. 129 

bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's 
Bar, counselled by all means to return thither, 
and found the intended city. This was strenu- 
ously opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, 
and many testy arguments passed between them. 
The particulars of this controversy have not reach- 
ed us, which is ever to be lamented ; this much 
is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to the 
dispute, by determining to explore still farther 
in the route which the mysterious porpoises had 
so clearly pointed out — whereupon the sturdy 
Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took 
possession of a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of 
great wrath peopled all that tract of country, 
which has continued to be inhabited by the Har- 
denbroecks unto this very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, hke some wan- 
ton urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, 
began to roll down the declivity of the heavens ; 
and now, the tide having once more turned in 
their favour, the resolute Pavonians again com- 
mitted themselves to its discretion, and coasting 
along the western shores, were borne towards the 
straits of BlackwelPs Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the cur- 
rent occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity 
to these illustrious mariners. Now would they be 
caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round 
a jutting point, would wind deep into some ro- 
mantic little cove, that indented the fair island of 
VOL. I. 12. 



130 THE EXPEDITION PROCEEDS 

Manna-hatta ; now were they hurried narrowly 
by the very basis of impending rocks, mantled 
with the flaunting grape vine, and crowned with 
groves that threw a broad shade on the waves 
beneath ; and anon they were borne away into the 
mid-channel and wafted along with a rapidity that 
very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, 
who, as he saw the land swift'y receding on either 
side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma 
was giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new 
creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of 
human thrift appeared to check the deliciouswild- 
ness of nature, who here revelled in all her luxu- 
riant variety. Those hills now bristled, like the 
fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars, (vain up- 
start plants! minions of wealth and fashion!) were 
then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil; 
the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the graceful 
elm — while here and there the tulip tree rear- 
ed his majestic head, the giant of the forest. — 
Where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury — 
villas half buried in twihght bowers, whence the 
amorous fljite oft breathes the sighings of some 
city swain — there the fish hawk built his solitary 
nest, on some dry tree that overlooked his watery 
domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along 
tliose shores now hallowed by the lover's moon- 
light walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; 
and a savage solitude extended over those hap- 



•THROUGH A DELIGHTFUL COUxNTRY. 131 

pj regions, where now are reared the stately tow- 
ers of the Jones's, the Schermerhornes, and the 
Rhinelanders. 

Thus ghding in silent w^onder through these 
new and unknown scenes, the gallant squadron ot'' 
Pavonia swept hy the foot of a promontory, that 
strutted forth boldly into the weaves, and seemed 
to frown upon them as they brawled against its 
base. This is the bluff well known to modern 
mariners by the name of Gracie's point, from the 
fair castle which, like an elephant, it carries upon 
its back. And here broke upon their view a wild 
and varied prospect, where land and water were 
beauteously intermingled, as though they had 
combined to heighten and set off each other's 
charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of 
Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture of 
living green — beyond it stretched the pleasant 
coast of Sundswick, and the small harbour well 
known by the name of Hallet's Cove — a place in- 
famous in latter days, by reason of its being 
the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, rob- 
bing orchards and watermelon patches, and insult- 
ing gentlemen navigators, when voyaging in their 
pleasure boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather 
creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed 
with forests, and forming a kind of vista, through 
which were beheld the sylvan regions of Haerlem, 
Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye re- 



(32 A SUDDEN DISASTER. 

posed with delight on a richlj wooded coimtrj, 
diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, 
and waving hnes of upland, swelling above each 
other ; while over the whole, the purple mists of 
spring diffused a hue of soft voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the 
stream making a sudden bend wound among em- 
bowered promontories and shores of emerald 
verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A 
character of gentleness and mild fertility prevail- 
ed around. The sun had just descended, and the 
thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil 
drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, height- 
ened the charms which it half concealed. 

Ah! witching scenes of foul delusion! Ah! 
hapless voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on 
these Circean shores! Such, alas! are they, poor 
easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a 
wicked world — treacherous are its smiles ! fatal 
its caresses. He who yields to its enticements 
launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his 
feeble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirl- 
pool! And thus it fared with the worthies of Pa- 
vonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene 
before them, drifted quietly on, until they were 
aroused by an uncommon tossing and agitation of 
their vessels. For now the late dimpling current 
began to brawl around them, and the waves to 
boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as 



¥Hfi COMMODORE IN "THE POT." 133 

if from a dream, the astonished OlofTe bawled 
aloud to put about, but his Avords were lost amid 
the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a 
scene of direful consternation — at one time they 
were borne with dreadful velocity among tumul- 
tuous breakers, at another, hurried down boiste- 
rous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed upon 
the Hen and Chickens ; (infamous rocks ! — more 
voracious than Scylla and her whelps;) and anon 
they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs, that 
threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. 
All the elements combined to produce a hideous 
confusion. The waters raged — the winds howled 
— and as they were hurried along, several of the 
astonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of 
the neighbouring shores driving through the air! 
At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van 
Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tre- 
mendous whirlpool called the Tot, where it was 
whirled about in giddy mazes, until the senses of 
the good commander and his crew were overpow- 
ered by the horror of the scene, and the strange- 
ness of the revolution. 

. How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was 
snatched from the jaw^s of this modern Chary bdis, 
has never been truly made known, for so many 
survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more 
wonderful, told it in so many different ways, that 
there has ever prevailed a great variety of opi- 
nions on the subject. 

12* 



134 THE DEVIL FIDDLIXG AT HELL-SATE. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they 
came to their senses thej found themselves 
stranded on the Long Island shore. The worthy 
commodore, indeed, used to relate many and 
wonderful stories of his adventures in this time 
of peril ; how that he saw spectres flying in the 
air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put 
his hand into the pot when they were whirled 
around, and found the water scalding hot, and 
beheld several uncouth looking beings seated on 
rocks and skimming it with huge ladles — but par- 
ticularly he declared with great exultation, that 
he saw the losel porpoises, which had betrayed 
them into this peril, some broiling on the Gridi- 
ron and others hissing in the Frying-pan 1 

These, however, were considered by many as 
mere phantasies of the commodore's imagination, 
while he lay in a trance ; especially as he was 
known to be given to dreaming ; and the truth of 
them has never been clearly ascertained. It is 
certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe 
and his followers may be traced the various tradi- 
tions handed down of this marvellous strait — as 
how the devil has been seen there, sitting astride 
of the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle — how 
he broils fish there before a storm ; and many other 
stories, in which we must be cautious of putting 
too much faith. In consequence of all these ter- 
rific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave 
this pass the name of Helh-gat, or as it has been 



ETYMOLOGY OF HELL-GATE. 135 

interpreted, Hell-gate ;^ wliich it continues to 
bear at the present day. 

* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of 
six miles above New- York. It is dangerous to shipping-, 
unless under the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numer- 
ous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. These have received 
sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, 
Hog's Back, Pot, &c. and are very violent and turbulent 
at certain times of tide. Certain wise men who instruct 
these modern days have softened the above characteristic 
name into Hurl-gate^ which means nothing. I leave them 
to give their own etymology. The name as given by our 
author is supported by the map in Vander Donck's history, 
published in 1656 — by Ogilvie's history of America, 1671 
— as also by a journal still extant, written in the 1 6th cen- 
tury, and to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And an 
old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations 
in names about this city observes, " De HeUe-gai troii 
d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer." 



• 
136 THE SQUADRON DISPERSEB. 



CHAPTER V. 

How the heroes of Communipaw returned some- 
what wiser than they we7it — and how the sage 
Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
dreamed. 

The darkness of night had closed upon this 
disastrous day, and a doieful night was it to the 
shipwrecked Pavonians, whose ears were inces- 
santly assailed with the raging of the elements, 
and the howling of the hob-obllns that infested 
this perfidious strait. But when the morning 
dawned, the horrors of the preceding evening had 
passed away ; rapids, breakers, and whirlpools 
had disappeared, the stream again ran smooth and 
dimpling, and having changed its tide, rolled gent- 
ly back, towards the quarter where lay their 
much regretted home. 

The wo-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed 
each other with rueful countenances ; their squad- 
ron had been totally dispersed by the late disas- 
ter. Some were cast upon the western shore, 
where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper, they took 
possession of all the country lying about the six 
mile stone ; which is held by the Hoppers at thin 
present writing. 



TEN BREECHES SURE LIFE PRESERVERS. ISf 

The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather 
to a distant coast, where, having with them a jug of 
genuine Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate 
the savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; from 
whence, it is said, did spring the fair town of Haer- 
lem, in which their descendants have ever since 
continued to be reputable publicans. As to the 
Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long Island 
coast, and may still be found in those parts. But 
the most singular luck attended the great Ten 
Broeck, who, faUing overboard, was miraculously- 
preserved from sinking by the multitude of his 
nether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on 
the waves, like a merman, until he landed safely 
on a rock, where he was found the next morning, 
busily drying his many breeches in the sun-shine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of 
our adventurers — how they determined that it 
would hot do to found a city in this diabolical 
neighbourhood — and how at length, with fear and 
trembling, they ventured once more upon the 
briny element, and steered their course back for 
Communipaw. Suffice it, in simple brevity, to 
say, that after toiling back through the scenes of 
their yesterday's voyage, they at length opened 
the southern point of Manna-hata, and gained a 
distant view of their beloved Communipaw. 

And here they were opposed by an obstinate 
eddy, that resisted all the eiforts of the exhausted 
marinGrs. Weary and dispirited, they could no 



138 ARRIVAL AT MANNA-HAT A. 

longer make head against the power of the tide, 
or rather, as some will have it, of old Neptane, 
who, anxious to guide them to a spot, whereon 
should be founded his strong hold in this western 
world, sent half a score of potent billows, that 
rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt high 
and dry on the shores of Manna-hata. 

Having thus in a manner been guided by super- 
natural power to this delightful island, their first 
care was to light a fire at the foot of a large tree, 
that stood upon the point at present called the 
Battery. Then gathering together great store of 
oysters which abounded on the shore, and empty- 
ing the contents of their wallets, they prepared 
and made a sumptuous council repast. The wor- 
thy Van Kortlandt was observed to be particular- 
ly zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for 
having the cares of the expedition especially com- 
mitted to hiscare,he deemed it incumbent on him 
to eat profoundly for the public good. In propor- 
tion as he filled himself to the very brim with the 
dainty viands before him, did the heart of this ex- 
cellent burgher rise up towards his throat, until 
he seemed crammed and almost choked with good 
eating and good nature. And at such times it is, 
when a man's heart is in his throat, that he may 
more truly be said to speak from it, and his speech- 
es abound with kindness and good fellowship. 
Thus the worthy Olotfe having swallowed the last 
possible morsel, and washedit down with a fervent 



VAN KORTLANDT's DREAM. 139 

potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole 
frame in a manner dilating with unbounded bene- 
volence. Every thing around him seemed excel- 
lent and delightful ; and, laymg his hands on each 
side of his capacious periphery, and rolling his 
half closed eyes around on trie beautiful diversity 
of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in a 
fat half smothered voice, "what a charming pros- 
pect !" The words died away in his throat — he 
seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment 
— his eye-lids heavily closed over their orbs — his 
head drooped upon his bosom — he slowly sunk 
upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gra- 
dually upon him. 

And the sage OlofTe dreamed a dream — and lo, 
the good St. JN'lchoias came riding ov^erthe tops 
of the trees, in that self-same waggon wherein he 
brings his yearly presents to children, and he 
came and descended hard by where the heroes of 
Communipaw had made their late repast. And 
the shrewd Van Kortlandtknew him by his broad 
hat, his long pipe, and the resemblance which he 
bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede 
Vrouw. And he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat 
himself down and smoked ; and as he smoked 
the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air 
and spread hke a cloud over head. And Oloffe 
bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up 
to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that 
the smoke spread over a great extent of country 



140 THE DREAM INTERPRETED. 

— and as he considered it more attentively, he 
fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed a 
variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscu- 
rity he saw shadowed out palaces and domes and 
lofty spires, all of which lasted but a moment, 
and then faded away, until the whole rolled off, 
and nothing but the green woods were left. And 
when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twist- 
ed it in his hat band, and laying his finger beside 
his nose, gave the astonished Van Kortlandt a 
very significant look, then mounting his waggon, 
he returned over the tree tops and disappeared. 

And Van Kortland awoke from his sleep great- 
ly instructed, and he aroused his companions, and 
related to them his dream, and interpreted it, that 
it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should 
settle down and build the city here. And that 
the smoke of the pipe was a type how vast should 
be the extent of the city ; inasmuch as the vo- 
lumes of its smoke should spread over a wide ex- 
tent of country. And they all with one voice as- 
sented to this interpretation excepting Mynheer 
Ten Broeck, who declared the meaning to be that 
it should be a city wherein a little fire should oc- 
casion a great smoke, or in other words, a very 
vapouring little city — both which interpretations 
have strangely come to pass ! 

The great object of their perilous expedition, 
therefore, being thus happily accomplished, the 
voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, where 



Van KORTLANDT IN MORE HeNOUR. 141 

thej were received with great rejoicings. And 
here calling a general meeting of all the wise 
men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they related 
the whole history of their voyage, and of the 
dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. And the peo- 
ple lifted up their voices and blessed the good 
St. Nicholas, and from that time forth the sage 
Van Kortlandt was held in more honour than 
ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and was 
pronounced a most useful citizen and a right 
good man — when he was asleep. 



VOL. I. 1 o 



142 AN ATTEMPT AT THE ETYMOLeOY 



CHAPTER VI. 

Containing an attempt at etymology— and of the 
founding of the great city of New- Amsterdam, 

The original name of the island wherein the 
squadron of Communipaw was thus propitiously 
thrown, is a matter of some dispute, and has alrea- 
dy undergone considerable vitiation — a melancho- 
ly proof of the instability of all sublunary things, 
and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; 
for who can expect his name will live to poste- 
rity, when even the names of mighty islands are 
thus soon lost in contradiction and uncertainty! 

The name most current at the present day, and 
which is likewise countenanced by the great his- 
torian Vander Donck, is Manhattan ; which is 
said to have originated in a custom among the 
squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing men's 
hats, as is still done among many tribes. ''Hence," 
as we are told by an old governor Avho was some- 
what of a wag, and flourished almost a century 
since, and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadel- 
phia, " hence arose the appellation of man-hat- 
on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to 
the island" — a stupid joke! — but well enough for 
a governor. 



0F THE NAME MANHATTAN. 143 

•Among the more venerable sources of informa- 
tion on this subject, is that valuable history of the 
American possessions, written by Master Richard 
Blome, in 1687, wherein it is called Manhadaes 
and Manahanent ; nor must I forget the excellent 
little book, full of precious matter, of that authen- 
tic historian, John Josselyn, Gent, who express- 
ly calls it Manadaes. 

Another etymology still more ancient, and sanc- 
tioned by the countenance of our ever to be la- 
mented Dutch ancestors, is that found in certain 
letters still extant ;* Avhich passed between the 
early governors and their neighbouring powers, 
wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes — 
Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently, 
unimportant variations of the same name ; for our 
wise forefathers sat little store by those niceties 
either in orthography or orthoepy, which form the 
sole study and ambition of many learned men and 
women of this hypercritical age. This last name 
is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit 
Manetho ; who was supposed to make this island 
his favourite abode, on account of its uncommon 
delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that the 
bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver 
and golden fish, in the midst of which hy this 
beautiful island, covered with every variety of 
fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden irruption 

* Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap. 



144 EMIGRATION FROM COMMUNIPAW 

of the Hudson laid waste theseblissful scenes, aAd 
Manetho took his flight beyond the great waters 
of Ontario. 

These, however, are fabulous legends, to which 
rery cautious credence must be given ; and al- 
though I am willing to admit the last quoted or- 
thography of the name, as very suitable for prose, 
yet is there another one founded on still more 
ancient and indisputable authority, which I par- 
ticularly delight in, seeing that it is at once poeti- 
cal, melodious, and significant — and this is record- 
ed in the before mentioned voyage of the great 
Hudson, written by master Juet ; who clearly and 
correctly calls it Manna-hata — that is to say, the 
island of Manna, or in other words — " a land 
flowing with milk and honey !" 

It having been solemnly resolved that the seat 
of empire should be transferred from the green 
shores of Pavonia to this delectable island, a vast 
multitude embarked, and migrated across the 
mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of Olofle 
the Dreamer, who was appointed protector or 
patron to the new settlement. 

And here let me bear testimony to the match- 
less honesty and magnanimity of our worthy fore- 
fathers, who purchased the soil of the native Iri- 
<lians before erecting a single roof; a circumstance 
singular and almost incredible in the annals of 
discovery and colonization. 



TO A NEW SETTLEMENT. 145 

The first settlement was made on the southwest 
point of the island, on the very spot where the 
good St. Nicholas had appeared in the dream. 
Here they built a mighty and impregnable fort 
and trading house, called Fort Amsterdam, 
which stood on that eminence at present occupi- 
ed by the custom-house, with the open space now 
called the bowling-green in frontf 

Around this potent fortress was soon seen a nu- 
merous progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled 
roofs, all which seemed most lovingly to nestle 
under its walls, like a brood of half fledged chick- 
ens sheltered under the wings of the mother hen. 
The whole was surrounded by an inclosure of 
strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden ir- 
ruption of the savages, who wandered in. hordes 
about the swamps and forests that extended over 
those tracts of country at present called Broadway, 
Wall-street, William-street, and Fearl-street. 

No sooner was the colony once planted than 
it took root and throve amazingly ; for it would 
seem that this thrice favoured island is like a mu- 
nificent dung-hill, where every foreig]! weed finds 
kindly nourishment, and soon shoots up and ex- 
pands to greatness. 

And now the infant settlement having advanced 
in age and stature, it was thought high time it 
should receive an honest Christian name, and it 
was accordingly called New-Amsterlam. It is 
true there were some advocates for the original 



146 FEUDS BREAK OUT BETWEEN 

Indian name, and many of the best writers of the 
province did long continue to call it by the title of 
*'The Manhattoes;" but this was discountenanced 
by the authorities, as being heathenish and savage. 
Besides, it was considered an excellent and praise- 
worthy measure to name it after a great city of the 
old world; as by that means it was induced to emu- 
late the greatness and renown of its namesake — - 
in the manner that little snivelling urchins are call- 
ed after great statesmen, saints, and worthies, and 
renowned generals of yore, upon which they all 
industriously copy their examples, and come to 
be very mighty men in their day and generation. 

The thriving state of the settlement, and the ra- 
pid increase of houses gradually awakened the good 
Oioffe from a deep lethargy, into which he had 
fallen after the building of the fort. He now began 
to think it was time some plan should be devised, 
on which the increasingtownshouldbe built. Sum- 
moning, therefore, his counsellors and coadjutors 
together, they took pipe in mouth, and forthwith 
3unk into a very sound deliberation on the subject. 

Atthe very outset of the business an unexpected 
difference of opinion arose, and I mention it with 
much sorrowing, as being the first altercation on 
record in the councils of New- Amsterdam. It was 
a breaking forth of the grudge and heartburning 
that had existed between those two eminent bur- 
ghers, Mynhers Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, 
ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of 



TOUGH BREECHES AND TEN BREECHES. 147 

Bellevuc. The great Hardeubroeck had waxed 
very wealthy and powerful^ from his domains, 
which embraced the whole chain of Apulean 
mountains that stretched along the gulf of Kip's 
Bay, and from part of which his descendants 
have been expelled in latter ages by the power- 
ful clans of the Jones's and the Schermerhorns. 
An ingenious plan for the city was offered by 
Mynher Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should 
be cut up and intersected by canals, after the 
manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To 
this Mynher Hardenbroeck was diametrically op- 
posed, suggesting in place thereof, that they should 
run out docks and wharves, by means of piles 
driven into the bottom of the river, on which the 
town should be built. By these means, said he 
triumphantly, shall we rescue a considerable 
space of territory from these immense rivers, and 
build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, 
or any amphibious city in Europe. To this pro- 
position, Ten Broeck (or Ten Breeches) rephed, 
with a look of as much scorn as he could possi- 
bly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the 
plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and 
against the very order of things, as he would leave 
to every true Hollander. '"For what," said he, 
" is a town without canals ? — it is like a body with- 
out veins and arteries, and must perish for want 
of a free circulation of the vital fluid." — Tough 
Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sar- 



148 THE ALTERCATION. 

casm upon \vs antagonist, who was somewhat of 
an arid, dry boned t^abit ; he remarked, that as to 
the circulation of the blood being necessary to 
existence, Mynher Ten Breeches was a living 
contradiction to his own assertion ; for every bo- 
dy knew there had not a drop of blood circulated 
through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, 
and yet there w^as not a gieater busy body in the 
whole colony. Personalities have seldom much 
effect in making converts in argument — nor have 
I ever seen a man convinced of error by being 
convjcied of deformity. At least such w^as not 
the case at present. Ten Breeches was very ac- 
rimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who 
was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the 
last word, rejoined wath increasing spirit — Ten 
Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volu- 
bihty, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable 
coat of mail in argument called obstinacy — Ten 
Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but 
Tough Breeches the best bottom — so that though 
Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his 
ears, and battered and belaboured him with liard 
words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches 
hung on most resolutely to the last. They part- 
ed, therefore, as is usual in ail arguments where 
both parties are in the right, without coming to 
any conclusioii — b jt they hated each other most 
heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with 
that between the houses of Capulet and Monta- 



THE city's picturesque IRREGULARITY. 149 

gue, did ensue between the families of Ten 
Breeches and Tough Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull 
matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful his- 
torian, requires that I should be particular — and 
in truth, as I am now treating of the critical pe- 
riod, when our city, like a young twig, first 
received the twists and turns that have since 
contributed to give it the present picturesque 
irregularity for which it is celebrated, I cannot 
be too minute in detailing their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have just men- 
tioned, I do not find that any thing farther was 
said on the subject worthy of being recorded. 
The council, consisting of the largest and oldest 
heads in the community, met regularly once a 
week, to ponder on this momentous subject. — 
But either they were deterred by the war of 
words they had witnessed, or they were natural- 
ly averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the 
consequent exercise of the brains — certain it is, 
the most profound silence was maintained — the 
question as usual lay on the table — the members 
quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, 
without ever enforcing any, and in the mean 
time the affairs of the settlement went on — as it 
pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled ia 
the mystery of combining pot hooks and hangers, 
they determined most judiciously not to puzzle 



150 GROWTH OF THE TOWN. 

either themselves or posterity with voluminous re- 
coMs. The secretary, however, kept the minutes 
of the council with tolerable precision, in a large 
vellum folio, fastened w^ith massj brass clasps ; 
the journal of each meeting consisted but of two 
lines, stating in Dutch, that, "the council sat this 
day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of 
the colony." — By which it appears that the first 
settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but 
pipes, in the same manner as they measure dis- 
tances in Holland at this very time; an admirably 
exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a 
true born Dutchman is never liable to those acci- 
dents and irregularities that are continually put- 
ting our clocks out of order. 

In this manner did the profound council of 
New- Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, 
from week to week, month to month, and year to 
year, in what manner they should construct their 
infant settlement — mean while, the town took 
care of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suf- 
fered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and 
bandages, and other abominations by which your 
notable nurses and sage old women cripple and 
disfigure the children of men, increased so rapid- 
ly in strength and magnitude, that before the ho- 
nest burgomasters had determined upon a plan, 
it was too late to put it in execution — whereupon 
they wisely abandoned the subject altogether. 



THE CITY WAXES GREAT. \bl 



CHAPTER VII. 

How the city of J^ew -Amsterdam waxed great, 
under the protection of 01 off e the Dreamer, 

There is something exceedingly delusive in 
thus looking back, throughthelongvistaof depart- 
*edjears,andcatchingaglimpseof the fairy realms 
of antiquity that lie beyond. Like some goodly 
landscape melting into distance, they receive a 
thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the 
fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces 
and excellencies of its own creation. Thus beam 
on my imagination those happier days of our city, 
when as yet New- Amsterdam was a mere pastoral 
town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and wil- 
lows, and surrounded by trackless forests and 
w^ide spreading waters, that seemed to shut out 
all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. 

In those days did this embryo city present the 
rare and noble spectacle of a community governed 
without laws; and thus being left to its own course, 
and the fostering care of Providence, increased as 
rapidly as though it had beenburthened with a do- 
zen panniers full of those sage laws thatare usual- 
ly heaped on the backs of young cities — in order 
to make them grow. And in this particular I great- 



152 DISADVANTAGES OP LAWS. 

ly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of 
human nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the 
Dreamer, and his fellow legislators. For my part 
I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many 
of my brother philosophers. I do not think poor 
human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as 
they would make it out to be ; and as far as I have 
observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to 
himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. 
It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that 
it is his duty to go right, that makes him go the 
very reverse. The noble independence of his 
nature revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law, 
and the perpetual interference of officious mora- 
lity, which is ever besetting his path with finger 
posts and directions to " keep to the right, as the 
law directs ;" and like a spirited urchin, he turns 
directly contrary, and gallops through mud and 
mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show 
that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading 
strings. And these opinions are amply substantia- 
ted by what I have above said of our worthy an- 
cestors ; who never being be-preached and be- 
lectured, and guided and governed by statutes 
and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlight- 
ened descendants, did one and all demean them- 
selves honestl}^ and peaceably, out of pure igno- 
rance, or in other words — because they knew no 
belter. 

Nor must 1 omit to record one of the earhest 
measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it 



PIETY T0WARDS ST. NICHOtAS. 153 

shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, hke 
good Christians, they were always ready to serve 
God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, 
having quietly settled themselves down, and pro- 
vided for their own comfort, they bethought them- 
selves of testifying their gratitude to the great 
and good St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in 
guiding them to this delectable abode. To this 
end they built a fair and goodly chapel within the 
fort, which they consecrated to his name ; where- 
upon he immediately took the town of New-Am- 
sterdam under his pecuhar patronage, and he has 
even since been, and I devoutly hope will ever 
be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. 

I am moreover told that there is a little legend- 
ary book, somewhere extant, written in Low 
Dutch, which says, that the image of this renown- 
ed saint, which whilome graced the bowsprit of 
the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of this 
chapel, in the very centre ofwhat, in modern days, 
is called the Bowling Green. And the legend 
further treats of divers miracles wrought by the 
mighty pipe, which the saint held in his mouth ; 
a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indi- 
gestion — an invaluable relic in this colony of 
brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite of tlie 
most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon 
ihis little book, I must confess that I ejitertain 
considerable doubt on the subject. 

Thus benignly fostered by the good St» Nicho*- 

VOr. T. 1 ^i 



154 EXTENT OF THE COLONY. 

las, the burghers of New- Amsterdam beheld their 
settlement increase in magnitude and population, 
and soon become the metropolis of divers settle- 
ments, and an extensive territory. Already had 
the disastrous pride of colonies and dependencies, 
those banes of a sound hearted empire, entered in- 
to their imaginations ; and Fort Aurania on the 
Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort 
Goede Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to 
be the darling offspring of the venerable council.* 
Thus prosperously, to all appearance, did the 
province of New-Netherlands advance in power; 
and the early history of its metropolis presents a 
fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 

Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the 
tangled forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled 
part of the island — the hunter pitched his rude 

* The province, about this time, extended on the north 
to Fort Aurania, or Orang-e (now the city of Alhany,) si- 
tuated about 160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the 
province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence ; but 
this claim was not much insisted on at the time, as the 
country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness. 
On the south the province reached to Fort Nassau, on the 
south river, since called the Delaware — and on the east 
it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) river, now the C-on- 
necticut. On this last frontier was likewise erected a 
Fort or trading- house, much about the spot where at pre- 
sent is situated the pleasant town of Hartford. This was 
called Fort Good Hoop, (or Good Hope) and was intend- 
ed as well for the purpose of trade, as of defence. 



SAVAGES DOMESTIC EXAMPLES. 155 

bower of skins and bark beside the rills that ran 
through the cool and shady glens, while here and 
tiiere might be seen on some simny knoll, a group 
of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above the 
neighbouring trees, and floated in the transpafent 
atmosphere. By degrees a mutual good will had 
grown up between these wandering beings and 
the burghers of New- Amsterdam. Our benevo- 
lent forefathers endeavoured as much as possible 
to ameliorate their situation, by giving them gin, 
rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their pel- 
tries; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen 
had conceived a great friendship for their savage 
neighbours, on account of their being pleasant 
men to trade with, and little skilled in the art of 
making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half human sons 
of the forest would make their appearance in the 
streets of New- Amsterdam, fantastically painted 
and decorated with beads and flaunting feathers, 
sauntering about with an air of listless indifference 
— sometimes in the market-place, instructing the 
little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow 
—at other times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering 
and whooping and yelling about the town like so 
many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good 
wives, who would hurry their children into the 
house, fasten the doors, and throw water upon the 
enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy o{' 
mention here, that our forefathers were very par- 



i5t) MY grandmother's war. 

ticular in holding up these wild men as excellent 
domestic examples — and for reasons that may be 
gathered from the history of master Ogilby, who 
tells us, that "for the least offence the bridegroom' 
roundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors^ 
and marries another, insomuch that some of thenat 
ha\ e every year a new wife." Whether this aw* 
ful example had any influence or not, history does 
not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmo-' 
thers were miracles of fidelity and obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between 
our ancestors and their savage neighbours, was li- 
able to occasional interruptions, and I have heard 
my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, 
and well versed in the history of these parts, tell 
a long story of a winter's evening, about a battle 
between the New-Amsterdammers and the In- 
dians, which was known by the name of the 
Peach War, and which took place near a peach 
orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long while 
went by the name of Murderer's valley. 

The legend of this sylvan war was long current 
among the nurses, old wives, and other ancient 
chroniclers of the place; but time and improve- 
ment have almost obliterated both the tradition 
and the scene of battle ; for what was once the 
blood stained valley is now in the centre of this 
populous city, and known by the name of Dey- 
street. 

The accumulating wealth and consequence of 



A GOVERNOR AFPOINTED. 157 

New- Amsterdam and its dependencies at length 
awakened the tender soUcitude of the mother 
country ; who finding it a thriving and opulent 
colony, and that it promised to yield great profit, 
and no trouble, all at once became wonderfully 
anxious about its safety, and began tp load it with 
tokens of regard, in the same manner that your 
knowing people are sure to overwhelm rich rela- 
tions with their affection and loving kindness. 

The usual marks of protection shown by mother 
countries to wealthy colonies were forthv^ith ma- 
nifested — the first care always being to send rulers 
to the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as 
much revenue from it as it will yield. According- 
ly, in the year of our Lord 1629, Mynher Wouter 
Van Twiller was appointed governor of the 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, unier the com- 
mission and control of their High MightinesseSj 
the Lords States General of the United Nether- 
lands, and the privileged West India Company. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New- 
Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the 
sweetest month in all the year ; when dan Apollo 
seems to dance up the transparent firmament — 
when the robin, the thrusli, and a thousand other 
wanton songsters make the woods to resound with 
amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon 
revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows 
— all which happy coincidence persuaded -he old 
dames of New- Amsterdam, who were skilled in 
14* 



158 A PREDICTION. 

the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a 
happy and prosperous administration. 

But as it would be derogatory to the conse» 
quence of the first Dutch governor of the great 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts to be thus scur- 
rily introduced at the end of a chapter, 1 will 
put an end to this second book of my history^ 
that I may usher him in with more dignity in the 
lieginning of my next. 



BOOK in. 



IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN RKICN 0? 
WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 



CHAPTER I. 

Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiiler, his unpcL" 
ralleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wis- 
dom in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and 
Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of 
the public thereat. 

Grievous and very much to be commiserated 
is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the 
history of his native land. If it fall to his lot to 
be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the 
mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can 
he recall the most prosperous and blissful era, 
without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that 
it has passed away for ever ! I know not whether 
it be owing to an immoderate love for the simpli- 
city of former times, or to that certain tenderness 
of heartincident to all sentimental historians; but 
1 candidly confess that 1 cannot look back on the 



160 MELANCHOLY RErLECTlONS. 

happier days of our city, which I now describe, 
without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a fal- 
tering hand do I withdraw the curtain of obhvion, 
that veils the modest merit of our venerable an- 
cestors, and as their figures rise to my mental vi- 
sion, humble myself before the mighty shades. 

• Such are my feelings when I revisit the family 
mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lone- 
ly hour in the chamber where hang the portraits 
of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms 
they represent. With pious reverence do I gaze 
en the countenances of those renowned burghers, 
who have preceded me in the steady march of ex- 
istence — whose sober and temperate blood now 
meanders through my veins, flowing slower and 
slower in its feeble conduits, until its current 
shall soon be stopped for ever ! 

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials 
of the mighty men who flourished in the days of 
the patriarchs ; but who, alas, have long since moul- 
dered in thaf tomb, towards which my steps are 
insensibly and irresistibly hastening! As I pace 
the darkened chamber and lose myself in melan- 
choly musings, the shadowy images around me al- 
most seem to steal once more into existence — their 
countenances to assume the animation of life — 
their eyes to pursue me in every movement! car- 
ried away by the delusions of fancy, I almost ima- 
gine myself surrounded by the shades of the de- 
parted, and hoidiiig sweet converse with the wor- 



GOVERfJOR WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 161 

Ihies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich! bom in 
a degenerate age, abandoned to the buffetings of 
fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy 
native land — blest with no weeping wife, nor fa- 
mily of helpless children ; but doomed to wander 
neglected through those crowded streets, and el- 
bowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes 
where once thine ancestors held sovereign empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the 
man, nor suffer the doating recollections of age to 
overcome me, while dwelling with fond garrulity 
on the virtuous days of the patriarchs — on those 
sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never 
more will dawn on the lorcly island of Manna- 
hata ! 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twil- 
ler, was descended from a long hne of Dutch bur- 
gomasters, who had successively dozed away their 
lives, and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy 
in Rotterdam; and who had comported themselves 
with such singular wisdom and propriety, that they 
were never either heard or talked of — which, next 
to being universally applauded, should be the ob- 
ject of ambition of all sage magistrates and rulers. 

His surname of Twiller, is said to be a corrup- 
tion of the original Twijjler, which in English 
means doubter ; a name admirably descriptive of 
his deliberative habits. For, though he was a man 
shut up within himself like an oyster, and of such 
a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely evet 



162 HIS CHARACTER. 

spoke except in monosyllables, yet did he never 
make up his mind on any doubtful point. This 
was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who 
affirmed that he always conceived every subject 
on so comprehensive a scale, that he had not 
room in his head to turn it over and examine both 
sides of it, so that he always remained in doubt^ 
merely in consequence of the astonishing magni- 
tude of his ideas ! 

There are two opposite ways by which some men 
get into notice — one by talking a vast deal and 
thinking a little, and the other by holding their 
tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many 
a vapouring superficial pretender acquires the re- 
putation of a man of quick parts — by the other, 
many a vacant dunderpate, like the owl, the stu- 
pidest of birds, comes to be complimented by a 
discerning world with all the attributes of wisdom. 
This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which 
I would not for the universe have it thought I apply 
to Governor Van Twiller. On the contrary, he was 
a very wise Dutchman, for he never said a foolish 
thing — and of such invincible gravity, that he was 
never known to laugh, or even to smile, through 
the course of a long and prosperous life. Certain, 
however, it is, there never was a matter proposed, 
however simple, and on which your common nar- 
row minded mortals would rashly determine at 
the first glance, but what the renowned Wouter 
put on a mighty mysterious, vacant kind of look, 



HIS PERS0N. 163 

«hook his capacious head, and having smoked for 
five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagelj 
observed, that "he had his doubts about the mat- 
ter" — which in process of time gained him the 
character of a man slow of belief, and not easilj 
imposed on. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was 
as regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as 
though it had been moulded by the hands of some 
cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty 
and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet 
six inches in height, and six feet five inches in cir- 
cumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and 
of such stupendous dimensions, that dame nature 
with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puz- 
zled to construct a neck capable of supporting it; 
wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and 
settled it firmly on the top of his back bone, just 
between the shoulders. His body was of an ob- 
longform, particularly capacious at bottom ; which 
was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing thathe 
was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to 
the idle labour of walking. His legs, though ex- 
ceeding short, were sturdy in proportion to the 
weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect he 
had not a little the appearance of a robustious 
beer barrel, standing on skids. His face, that in- 
fallible index of the mind, presented a vast ex- 
panse, perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any 
of those lines and angles which disfigure the hu- 



164 Mis HABITS. 

man countenance with what is termed expression. 
Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, 
like two stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy fir- 
mament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to 
have taken toll of every thing that went into his 
mouth, were curious mottled and streaked with 
dusky red, like a spitzenberg apple. 

His habits were as regular as his person. He 
daily took his four stated meals, appropriating ex- 
actly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted 
eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of 
the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher, for his 
mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly 
settled below, the cares and perplexities of this 
world. He had lived in it for years, without feel- 
ing the least curiosity to know whether the sun 
revolved round it, or it round the sun ; and he had 
watched, for at least half a century, the smoke 
curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once 
troubling his head with any of those numerous 
theories, by which a philosopher would have per- 
plexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above 
the surrounding atmosphere. 

In his council he presided with great state and 
solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak 
hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabri- 
cated by an experienced timmerman of Amster- 
dam, and curiously carved about the arms and 
feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's 



HIS BEHAVIOUR IN THE GdUNCIL. 165 

claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long 
Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, 
which had been presented to a stadtholder of 
Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one 
of the petty Barbary powers. — In this stat^ely 
chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe 
would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a 
constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours to- 
gether upon a little print of Amsterdam, which 
hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of 
the council chamber. Nay, it has even been said, 
that when any deliberation of extraordinary length 
and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned 
Wonter would absolutely shut his eyes for full 
two hours at a time, that he might not be disturb- 
ed by external objects — and at such times the in- 
ternal commotion of his mind was evinced, bjf 
certain regular guttural sounds, which his admi- 
rers declared were merely the noise of conflict, 
made by his contending doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled 
to collect these biographical anecdotes of the 
great man under consideration. The facts re- 
specting him were so scattered and vague, and 
divers of them so questionable in point of au- 
thenticity, that I have had to give up the search 
after many, and decline the admission of still 
more, which would have tended to heighten tlie 
colouring of his portrait. 

vor,. I. 1.5 



166 CASE OF SCHOONHOVEN V, BLEECKER. 

I have been the more anxious to deUneate fully 
the person and habits of the renowned Van Twil- 
ler, from the consideration that he was not only 
the first, but also the best governor that ever pre- 
sided over this ancient and respectable province; 
and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that 
I do not find throughout the whole of it, a single 
instance of any offender being brought to punish- 
ment — a most indubitable sign of a merciful go- 
vernor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the 
reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it 
is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal 
descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent 
magistrate was distinguished by an example of le- 
gal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise 
and equitable administration. The morning after 
he had been solemnly installed in office, and at 
the moment that he was making his breakfast 
from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk 
and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted 
by the appearance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, 
a very important old burgher of New-Amster- 
dam, who complained bitterly of one Barent 
Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to 
come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that 
there was a heavy balance in favour of the said 
Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have al- 
ready observed, was a man of few words, he was 
likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings — 



SUMMARY PROCESS. 167 

or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having lis- 
tened attentively to the statement of Wandle 
Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he 
shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his 
mouth — either as a sign that he relished the 
dish, or comprehended the story — he called unto 
him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches 
pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched it after the 
defendant as a summons, accompanied by his to- 
bacco box as a warrant. 

This summary process was as effectual in those 
simple days as was the seal ring of the great Ha- 
roun Alraschid among the true behevers. The 
two parties being confronted before him, each 
produced a book of accounts, written in a lan- 
guage and character that would have puzzled any 
but a High Dutch commentator, or a learned de- 
cjpherer of Egyptian obelisks to understand. 
The sage Wouter took them one after the other, 
and having poised them in his hands, and atten- 
tively counted over the number of leaves, fell 
straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked 
for half an hour without saying a word ; at length, 
laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his 
eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has 
just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly 
took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a co- 
lumn of tobacco smoke, and with marvellous gra- 
vity and solenmity pronounced — that having 
carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the 
books, it was found, that one was just as thick 



168 THE eOVERNOR's DECISieX. 

and as heavy as the othe r — therefore it was the 
final opinion of the court that the accounts were 
equally balanced — therefore Wandle should give 
Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle 
a receipt — and the constable should pay the costs. 
This decision being straightway made known, 
diifused general joy throughout New-Amsterdam, 
for the people immediately perceived, that they 
had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule 
over them. But its happiest etlect was, that not 
another law suit took place throughout the whole 
of his administration — and the office of constable 
fell into such decay, that there was not one of 
those losel scouts known in the province for many 
years. I am the more particular in dwelling on 
this transaction, not only because I deem it one 
of the most sage and righteous judgments on re- 
cord, and well worthy the attention of modern 
magistrates, but because itwas a miraculous event 
in the history of the renowned Wouter — being 
the only time he was ever known to come to a do-- 
vision in the whole course of his life. 



POWER or THE GOVERNORS, 169 



CHAPTER II. 

Containing some account of the grand council of 
J^ew-Jlmsterdam, as also divers especial good 
philosophical reasons why an alderman should 
be fat — with other particulars touching the state- 
of the province. 

In treating of the early governors of the pro- 
vince, I must caution my readers against confound- 
ing them, in point of dignity a«d power, with those 
worthy gentlemen, who are whimsically denomi- 
nated governors in this enlightened republic — a 
set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in 
fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the 
community : doomed to bear the secret goadings 
and corrections of their own party, and the sneers 
and revilings of the whole world beside. Set up, 
like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and 
shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the 
land. On the contrary, the Dutch governors en- 
joyed that uncontrolled authority, vested in all 
commanders of distant colonies or territories* 
They were in a manner absolute despots in their 
little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over both 
law and gospel, and accountable to none bat the 
mother country ; which it is well known is asto- 
15* 



170 THE GRAND COUNCIL.. 

nishiiigly deaf to all complaints against its gover- 
nors, provided thej discharge the main duty of 
their stadon — squeezing outagood revenue. This 
hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers 
from being seized with doubt and incredulity, 
whenever, in the course of this authentic history, 
they encounter the uncommon circumstance of 
a governor acting with independence, and in op- 
position to the opinions of the multitude. 

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous 
business of legislation, a board of magistrates was 
appointed, which presided immediately over the 
police. This potent body consisted of a schout 
or bailifT, with powers between those of the pre- 
sent mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who 
were equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, 
who officiated as scrubs, subdevils,or bottle-hold- 
ers to the burgermeesters, in the same manner as 
do assistant aldermen to their principals at the 
present day; it being their duty to fill the pipes of 
the lordly burgermeesters — hunt the markets for 
delicacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge 
such other little offices of kindness as were occa- 
sionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly un- 
derstood, though not specifically enjoined, that 
they should consider themselves as butts for the 
blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh 
most heartily at all their jokes ; but this last was a 
duty as rarely called in action in those days as it 
is at present, and was shortly remitted, in conse- 



PRIVILEGES OP SCHEPENS. 17^ 

queiice of the tragical death of a fat httle schepea 
—who actually died of suflbcation in an unsuc- 
cessful effort to force a laugh at one of burger- 
meester Van Zandt's best jokes. 

In return for these humble services, they were 
permitted to say yes and no at the council board, 
and to have that enviable privilege, the run of the 
public kitchen — being graciously permitted to eat, 
and drink, and smoke, at all those snug junket- 
tings and pubKc gormandizings, for which the an- 
cient magistrates were equally famous with their 
modern successors. The post of schepen, there- 
fore, like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly 
coveted by all your burghers of a certain descrip- 
tion, who have a huge relish for good feeding, and 
an humble ambition to be great men in a small 
way — -who thirst after a little brief authority, that 
shall render them the terror of the alms house 
and the bridewell — that shall enable them to lord 
it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast 
prostitution, and hunger driven dishonesty — that 
shall give to their beck a hound-like pack of 
catch-poles and bum-bailiffs — tenfold greater 
rogues than the culprits they hunt down! — My 
readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I 
confess is unbecoming of a grave historian — but 
I have a mortal antipathy to catch-poles, bum- 
bailiffs, and little great men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city correspond- 
ed with those of the 7)resent time no less in form. 



172 WHY AN ALDERMAN SHOULD BE PAT, 

magnitude, and intellect, than in prerogative and 
privilege. The burgomasters, like our aldermen, 
were generally chosen by weight — and not only 
the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of 
the head. It is a maxim practically observed in 
all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an 
alderman should be fat — and the wisdom of this 
can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in 
some measure an image of the mind, or rather that 
the mind is moulded to-the body, like melted lead 
to the clay in which it is cast, has been insisted 
on by many philosophers, who have made human 
nature their peculiar study — For as a learned gen- 
tleman of our own city observes, "there is a con- 
stant relation between the moral character of all 
intelligent creatures, and their physical constitu- 
tion — between their habits and the structure of 
their bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, 
diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a 
petulant, restless, meddling mind — either the mind 
wears down the body, by its continual motion; or 
else the body, not affording the mind sufficient 
house-room, keeps it continuallv in a state of fret- 
fulness, tossing and worrying about from the un- 
easiness of its situation. Whereas your round, 
sleek, fat, unwjeldy periphery is ever attended by 
a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease; 
and we may always observe, that your well fed, 
robustious burghers, are in general very tenacious 
©f their ease and comfort; being great enemies to 



AN alderman's three SOULS. 173 

noise, discord, and disturbance — and surely none 
are more likely to study the public tranquillity 
than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding 
together in turbulent mobs ? — no — no — it is your 
lean, hungry men, who are continually worrying 
society, and setting the whole commuity by the 
ears. 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi- 
ciently attended to by philosophers of the present 
age, allows to everyman three souls — one immor- 
tal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may 
overlook and regulate the body — a second consist- 
ing of the surly and irascible passions, which, like 
belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart 
— a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, 
gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained 
in the belly, that it may not disturb the divine 
soul, by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according 
to this excellent theory, what can be more clear, 
than that your fat alderman is most likely to have 
the most regular and well conditioned mind. His 
head is like a huge, spherical chamber, containing 
a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the ra- 
tional soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a 
feather bed; and the eyes, which are the windows 
of the bed chamber, are usually half closed, that 
its slumberings may not be disturbed by external 
objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, and 
protected from disturbance, is manifestly most- 



174 Charlemagne's hungry judges. 

likely to perform its functions with regularity and 
ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the 
mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the 
belly, and which, by its raging and roaring, puts 
the irritable soul in the neighbourhood of the heart 
in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men 
crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is complete- 
ly pacified, silenced, and put to rest — whereupon 
a host of honest good fellow qualities and kind 
hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly 
peeping out of the loop holes of the heart, finding 
this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn 
out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol 
up and down the diaphragm — disposing their pos- 
sessor to laughter, good humour, and a thousand 
friendly offices towards his fellow mortals. 

As a board of magistrates, formed on this mo- 
del, think but very little, they are the less likely 
to differ and wrangle about favourite opinions — 
and as they generally transact business upon a 
hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be 
lenient and indulgent in the administration of 
their duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, 
and therefore (a pitiful measure, for which I can 
never forgive him) ordered in his cartularies, that 
no judge should hold a court of justice, except in 
the morning, on an empty stomach. — A rule which, 
I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in 
his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane 
generation of the present day have taken an op- 



MO^ TO EAT YOURSELF INTO OPPICB, 175' 

posite course, and have so managed, that the al- 
dermen are the best fed men in the community ; 
feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and 
gorging so heartily oysters and turtles, that in pro- 
cess of time they acquire the activity of the one, 
and the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the 
other. The consequence is, as I have just said, 
these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet 
equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and 
irrational, that their transactions are proverbial 
for unvarying monotony — and the profound laws 
which they enact in their dozing moments, arnid 
the labours of digestion, are quietly suliered to 
remain as dead letters, and never enforced, when 
awake. la a word, your fair round-bellied burgo- 
master, like a full fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the 
house-door, always at home, and always at hand 
to watch over its safety — but as to electing a lean, 
meddling candidate to the office, as has now and 
then been done, I would as leave put a greyhound 
to watch the house, or a race horse to drag an ox 
waggon. 

The burgomasters then, as I have already men- 
tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the 
schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed 
to attend upon them, and help them eat ; but the 
latter, in the course of time, when they had been 
fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of hody and 
drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candi- 
dates for the burgomasters' chairs, having fairly 



176 HOW TO EAT YOURSELF INTO OFFICE. 

eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his 
way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, 
blue-nosed, skimmed milk, New-England cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations 
that took place between the renowned Wouter, 
and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the 
sage divans of some of our modern corporations. 
They would sit for hours smoking and dozing over 
public affairs, without speaking a word to inter- 
rupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep 
reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van 
Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the in- 
fant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually 
emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhi- 
biting that mingled appearance of town and coun- 
try, customary in new cities, and which at this 
day may be witnessed in the city of Washington ; 
that immense metropolis, which makes so glori- 
ous an appearance on paper. 

It was a pleasing sight in those times, to behold 
the honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seat- 
ed on the -bench at the door of his white-washed 
house, under the shade of some gigantic sycamore 
or over-hanging willow. Here would he smoke 
his pipe of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft 
southern breeze, and listening with silent gratu- 
lation to the clucking of his hens, the cackling of 
his geese, and the sonorous grunting of his swine ; 
that combination of farm-yard melody, which may 
truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as 



- PARM-YARD MELODY. 177 

it conveys a certain assurance of profitable mar- 
keting. 

The modern spectator, who wanders through 
the streets of this populous city, can scarcely form 
an idea of the different appearance they present- 
ed in the primitive days of the Doubter. The 
busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the 
rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of ac- 
cursed carts, and all the spirit grieving sounds of 
brawling commerce, were unknown in the settle- 
ment of New- Amsterdam. The grass grew quiet- 
ly in the high ways— the bleating sheep and fro- 
licksome calves sported about the verdant ridge, 
where now the Broadway loungers take their morn- 
ing stroll— the cunningfox orravenous wolf skulk- 
ed in the woods, where now are to be seen tl\c 
dens bf Gomez and his righteous fraternity of mo- 
ney brokers— and flocks of vociferous geese cack- 
led about the fields, where now the great Tam- 
many wigwam and the patriotic tavern of Mart- 
hng echo with the wranglings of the mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable 
equality of rank and property prevail, equally re- 
moved from the arrogance of wealth, and the ser- 
vihty and heart-burnings of repining poverty— and 
v/hat m my n)ind is still more conducive to tran- 
quiilitf and harmony amongfriends, a happy equa- 
lity of intellect was likewise to be seen. The 
minds of the good burghers of New-Amsterdam 
seemed all to have been cast in one mould, and 

VOL. I. 10 ' 



178 BLESSINGS OF IGNORANCE. 

to be those honest, blunt minds, which, hke cer- 
tain manufactures, are made by the gross, and con- 
sidered as exceedingly good for common use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
generally preferred for public employ, and espe- 
cially promoted to city honours ; your keen intel- 
lects, like razors, being considered too sharp for 
common service. I know that it is common to 
rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as the 
greatsource of jealousies, broils, and heart-break- 
ings ; whereas, for my part, I verily believe it is 
the sad inequality of intellect that prevails, that 
embroils communities more than any thing else ; 
and i have remarked that 3 our knowing people, 
who are so much wiser than any body else, are 
eternally keeping societ}^ in a ferment. Happily 
for New-Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was 
known within its walls — the very words of learn- 
ing, education, taste, and talents were unheard of 
— a bright genius was an animal unknown, and a 
blue stocking lady would have been regarded with 
as much wonder as a homed frog or a fiery dra- 
gon. No man in fact seemed to know more than 
his neighbour, nor any man to know more than an 
honest man ought to know, who has nobody's bu- 
siness to mind but his own ; the parson and the' 
council clerk were the only men that could read 
in the community, and the sage Van Twiller al- 
ways signed his name with a cross. 



HAPPY STATE OF THE COLON Y. 17-9 

Tlirice happy and ever to be envied little 
Burgh! existing in all the security of harmless 
insignificance — unnoticed and unevied by the 
world, without ambition, without vain glory, 
without riches, without learning, and all their 
train of cai-king cares — and as of yore, in the bet- 
ter days of man, the deities were vront to visit 
him on earth and bless his rural habitations, so we 
are told, in the sylvan days of New-Amsterdam^ 
the good St. Nicholas would often make his ap- 
pearance in his belo- ed city, of a holiday after- 
noon,*riding joUily among the tree tops, or over 
the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing 
forth magnificent presents from his breeches 
pockets, and dropping them down the chimneys 
of his favourites. Whereas in these degenerate 
days of iron and brass he never shows us the light 
of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one 
night in the year; when he rattles down the chim- 
neys of the^ descendants of the patriarchs, con- 
fining his presents merely to the children, in to- 
ken of the degeneracy of the parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of 
a fat government. The province of the New-Ne- 
therlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet 
tranquillity that wealth could nerer purchase. 
There were neither public commotions, nor pri- 
vate quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, nor 
schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor pun- 
ishments; nor w^re there counsellors, attorneys. 



a 80 HAPPY STATE OF THE COLONi. 

catch-poles, or hangmen. Every man attended 
to what httle business he was hicky enough to 
have, or neglected it if he pleased, without asking 
the opinion of his neighbour. In those days no- 
body meddled with concerns above his compre- 
hension, nor thrust his nose into other people's 
affairs; nor neglected to correct his own conduct, 
aiigd reform his own character, in his zeal to pull 
to pieces the characters of o.thers — but in a word, 
every respectable citizen eat when he was not 
liungry, drank when be was not thirsty, and went 
regular to bed when the sun set, and the' fov, Is 
went to roost, whether he were sleepy or not ; all 
which tended so remarkably to the population of 
the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife 
throughout New- Amsterdam made a point of en- 
riching her husband with at least one child a year, 
and very often a brace— this superabundance of 
good things clearly constituting the true luxury of 
life, according to the favourite Dutch^axim, that 
*' more than enough constitutes a feast." Every 
thing, therefore, went on exactly as it should do, 
and in the usual words employed by historians to 
express the welfore of a country, "the profound- 
est tranqwUiti/ and irposc reigned throughout the 
province,'- 



MANIFOLD TASTES OF READERS. 181 



CHAPTER III. 

How the town of New-Amsterdam arose out of 
mud, and came to be marvellously polished and 
polite — together with a picture of the manne^ 
of our great great grandfathers. 

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the 
enhghtened Uterati, who turn over the pages of 
history. Some there be whose hearts are brim full 
of the yest of courage, and whose bosoms do 
work, and swell, and foam, with untried valour, 
like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain, 
fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This 
doughty class of readers can be satisfied with no- 
thing but bloody battles, and horrible encounters* 
they must be continually storming forts, sacking 
cities, springing mines, marching up to the muz- 
zles of cannon, charging bayonet through every 
page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. 
Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ar- 
dent imagination, and who, withal, are a little 
given to the marvellous, will dwell with won- 
drous satisfaction on descriptions of prodigies, un- 
heard of events, hair-breadth escapes, hardy ad- 
ventures, and all those astonishing narrations, that 
justamble along the boundary line of possibiiity, — 
16* 



182 MANIFOLD TASTES OF READERS. 

A third class, who, not to speak sUghtly of them* 
are of a hghter turn, and skim over the records 
of past times, as they do over the edifjing pages 
of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent 
amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, exe- 
cutions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, confla- 
grations, murders, and all the other catalogue of 
^pdeous crimes, that like cayenne in cookery, do 
give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of 
history — while a fourth class, of more philosophic 
habits, do diligently pore over the musty chroni- 
cles of time, to investigate the operations of the 
human kind, and watch the gradual changes in 
men and manners, effected by the progress of 
knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the in- 
fluence of situation. 

If the three first classes find but little where- 
withal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign 
of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert 
their patience foK a while, and bear with the te- 
dious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, 
which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me 
to draw; and I promise them that as soon as I can 
possibly light upon anything horrible, uncommon, 
or impossible, it shall go hard but I will make it 
afford them entertainment. This being premised, 
I turn with great complacency to the fourth class 
of my readers, who are men, or, if possible, wo- 
men after my own heart; grave, philosophical, and 
investigating ; fond of analyzing characters, of ta- 



SOMETHING HORRIBLE PROMISED. 183 

king a start from first causes, and so hunting'a na- 
tion down, through all the mazes of innovation 
and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious 
to witness the first development of the newlj 
hatched colony, and the primitive manners and 
customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during 
the halcyon reign of Van Twiiler or the Doubter. 

I will not grievQiitheir patience, however, by de- 
scribing minutely the increase and improvement 
of New-Amsterdam. Their own imaginations 
will doubtless present to them the good burghers, 
like so many pains-taking and persevering bea- 
vers, slowly and surely pursuing their labours — 
they will behold the prosperous transformation 
from the rude log hut to the stately Dutch man- 
sion, with brick front, glazed windows, and tiled 
roof — from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant 
cabbage garden ; and from the skulking Indian to 
the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will 
picture to themselves the steady, silent, and un- 
deviating march to prosperity, incident to a city 
destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat 
government, and whose citizens do nothing in a 
hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a 
preceding chapter, not being able to determine 
upon any plan for the building of their city— the 
cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under 
their peculiar charge, and as they went to and 
from pasture, estabhshed paths through the bushes. 



184 LOYALTY OP WEATHERCOCKS. 

on each side of which the good folks built their 
houses ; which is one cause of the rambling and 
picturesque turns and labyrinths, which distin- 
guish certain streets of New- York at this very day. 

The houses of the higher class were generally 
constructed of wood, excepting the gable end, 
which was of small black and yellow Dutch bricks, 
and always faced on the stree^ as our ancestors, 
like their descendants, were very much given to 
outward show, and were noted forputtiif^ the best 
leg foremost. The house was always furnished 
w^ith abundance of large doors and small windows 
on every floor, the date of its erection was curi- 
ously designated by iron figures on the front, and 
on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little 
weathefcock, to let the family into the important 
secret, which way the wind blew. These, like the 
weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed 
so many different ways, that every man could have 
a wind to his mind ; — the most stanch and loyal 
citizens, however, always went according to the 
weathercock on the top of the governor's house, 
which was certainly the most correct, as he had a 
trusty servant employed every morning to cfimb 
up and set it to the right quarter. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, 
a passion for cleanliness was the leading principle 
in domestic economy, and the universal test of 
an able housewife- — a character which formed the 
utmost ambition of our unenlightened grandmo- 



PASSION FOR CLEANING. 185 

thers. The front door was never opened except 
on marriages, funerals, new years' days, the festi- 
val of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. 
It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, 
curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a 
dog, and sometimes of a lion's head, and was dai- 
ly burnished with guch religious zeal, that it was 
oft-times worn out by the very precautions taken 
for its preservation. The whole house was con- 
stantly in a state of inundation, under the disci*, 
pline of mops and brooms and scrubbing brushes; 
and the good housewives of those days were a kind 
of amphibious aninaal, dehghting exceedingly to 
be dabbling in water — insomuch that an historian 
of the day gravely tells us, tliat many of his 
townswomen- grew to have webbed fingers like 
unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little 
doubt, could the matter be examined into, would 
be found to have the tails of mermaids — but this 
I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or what 
is worse, a wilful misrepresentation. 

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, 
where the passion for cleaning was indulged with- 
out controul. In this sacred apartment no one 
was permitted to enter, excepting the mistress 
and her confidential maid, who visited it once a 
week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough 
cleaning, and putting things to rights — always 
taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at 
the door, and entering devoutly on their stocking 



186 A NEW-AMSTERDAM FIRE-SIDE. 

feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with 
fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into 
angles, and curves, and rhomboids with a broom — 
after washing the windows, rubbing and polishing 
the furniture, and putting a new bunch of ever- 
greens in the fire-place — the w^indow shutters 
were again closed to keep out the flies, and the 
room carefully locked up until the revolution of 
time brought round the weekly cleaning day. 
^ As to the family, they always entered in at Ihe 
gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To 
have seen s numerous household assembled around 
the fire, one would have imagined that he was 
transported back to those happy days of primeval 
simplicity, which'float before our imaginations like 
golden visions. The fire-places were of a truly 
patriarchal magnitude, where the whole fam.ily, 
old and young, master and servant, black and 
white, nay, even the veVy cat and dog, enjoyed a 
community of privilege, and had each a right to a 
corner. Here the d|ld burgher would sit in per- 
fect silence, puthng his pipe, looking in the fire 
with half shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for 
hou^ together ; the goede vrouw on the opposite 
side w^ould employ herself diligently in spinning 
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks 
would crowd around the hearth, listening with 
breathless attention to some old crowe of a negro, 
who was the oracle of the f^ily, and who, perch- 
ed like a raven in a corner of the chimney, w ould 



•TEA AND PAT PORK. 187 

Groak forth for a long winter afterno5n a string of 
incredible stories about New-England witches — 
grislj ghosts, horses without heads— and hair- 
breadth escapes and bloody encounters among 
the Indians. 

In those happj days a well regulated family al- 
ways rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and 
went to bed at sun down. Dinner was invariably 
a private meal, and the fat old burghers showed 
incontestible symptoms of disapprobation and vm- 
easiness at being surprised by a visit from a neigh- 
bour on such occasions'. But though our worthy 
ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving din- 
ners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy 
by occasional banquettings, called tea parties. 

These fashionable parties were generally con- 
fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to 
say, such as kept their own cows, and drove their 
own waggons. The company ct)mmonIy assem- 
bled at three o'clock, and went away about six, 
unless it was in winter time, when the fashionable 
hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might 
get home before dark. The tea table was crown- 
ed with a huge earthen dish, well stored with 
slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into mor- 
sels, and swimming in gravy. The company be- 
ing seated around the genial -board, and each fur- 
nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in 
launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish 
— in much the same manner as sailors harpoon 



188 ANCIENT MODE. 

porpoises at'sea, or our Indians spear salmon in 
the lakes. Sometimes the table was j^raced with 
immense apple pies, or saucers full of preserved 
peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to 
boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened 
dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough nuts, 
or oly koeks — a delicious kind of cake, at pre- 
sent scarce known in this city, excepting in ge- 
nuine Dutch families. 

I^The tea w^as served out of a majestic delft tea- 
pot, ornamented with p^n tings of fat little Dutch 
shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs — with 
boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the 
clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch fanta- 
sies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their 
adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge 
copper tea kettle, wdiich w ould have made the 
pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat 
merely to look §t it. To sweeten the beverage, 
a Imnp of sugar was laid beside each cup — and 
the company alternately nibbled and sipped with 
great decorum, until an improvement was intro- 
duced by a shrewd and economic old lady, which 
was to suspend a large lump directly over the tea 
table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it 
could be swung from mouth to mouth — an in- 
genious expedient, which is still kept up by some 
families in Albany; but which prevails without 
exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat-Bush, 
and all our uncontaminated Dutch villasres. 



OF EATING SUGAR. 189 

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost pro- 
priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No 
flirting nor coquetting — no gambhng of old ladie? 
nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones 
— no self satisfied struttings of wealthy gentle- 
tlemen, with their brains in their pockets — nor 
amusing conceits, and monkey divertisements, of 
smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On 
the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves 
demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit 
their own woollen stockings; nor ever opened 
their lips, excepting to say, yah Mynher, or yah 
ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them ; 
behaving, in all things, like decent, well educated 
damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them 
tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in 
contemplation of the blue and white tiles with 
which the fire places were decorated; wherein 
sundry passages of scripture w^ere piously por- 
trayed — Tobit and his dog figured to great advan- 
tage; Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet, 
and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out 
of the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of 
fire. .^ 

The parties broke up without noise and without 
confusion. They were carried home by their own 
carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature 
had provided them, excepting such of the wxal- 
thy as could afford to keep a waggon. The gen- 
tlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their 

VOL. I 17 



190 A FARTING SMACK. 

respective abodes, and took leave of them with a 
hearty smack at the door: which, as it was an es- 
tabhshed piece of etiquette, done in perfect sim- 
pHcity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scan- 
dal at that time, nor should it at the present — if 
our great grandfathers approved of the custom, 
it would argue a great want of reverence in their 
descendants to say a word against it. 



THE GOLDEN AGE. 191 



CHAPTER IV. 

Containing further particulars of the Golden Age^ 
and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman 
in the days of Walter the Doubter, 

In this dulcet period of my history, when the 
beauteouaisiandof rvlaana-hata preseiited a scene, 
the very counterpart of those glowing pictures 
drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, thfere was, 
as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an 
honest simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, 
which, were I even able to depict, would be but 
little understood by the degenerate age for which 
1 am doomed to write. Even the female sex, 
those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, ^he 
honesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seem- 
ed for a while to conduct themselves with incre- 
dible sobriety and comeliness. 

Their hair untortured by the abominations of 
art, was scrupulously pomatomed back from their 
foreheads with a candle, and covered with a little 
cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their 
heads. Their petticoats of linsey woolsey were 
striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though 
I must confess these gallant garments were rather 
short, scarce reaching below the knee ; but then 



\'9)l FEMALE COSTUxAIE. 

they rtiadc up in the number, which generally 
equalled that of the gentlemen-s small clothes ; 
and what is still more praise-worthy, they were 
all of their own manufacture — of which circum- 
stance, as may well be supposed, they were not a 
little vain. 

These were the honest days, in which every 
woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore 
pockets — ay, and that too of a goodly size, fashion- 
ed with patch-work into many curious devices, 
and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, 
in fact, were convenient receptacles, where all 
good housewives carefully stored away such things 
as they wished to have at hand ; by which means 
they often came to be incredibly crammed — and 
I remember there was a story current when I was 
a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once 
had occasion to empty her right pocket in search 
of a wooden ladle, and the utensil was discovered 
lying among some rubbish in one corner — but we 
must not give too much faith to all these stories ; 
the anecdotes of those remote periods being very 
subject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise 
wore scissors and pincushions suspended from 
their girdles by red ribands, or among the more 
opulent and showy classes, by brass^ and even 
silver chains — indubitable tokens of thrifty house- 
wives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say 
much in vindication of the shortness of the petti- 



A FINE LADY DESCRIBED. 193 

coats ; it doubtless was introduced for the pur- 
pose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, 
which were generally of blue worsted with mag- 
nificent red clocks — or perhaps to display a well 
turned ankle, and a neat, though serviceable, foot, 
set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large 
and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that 
the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same 
disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of de- 
corum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or 
gratify an innocent love of finery. 

From the sketch here given, it will be seen that 
our good grandmothers differed considerably in 
their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily 
dressed descendants of the present day. A fine 
lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, 
even on a fair summer's day, than would have 
clad the whole bevy of a modern ball room. Nor 
were they the less admired by the gentlemen in 
consequence thereof. On the contrary, the great- 
ness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in 
proportion to the magnitude of its object — and a 
voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petti- 
coats, was declared by a Low Dutch sonnetteer 
of the province to be radiant as a sunflower, and 
luxuriant as a full blown cabbage. Certain it is, 
that in those days, the heart of a lover could not 
contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the 
heart of a modern gallant has often room enough 
to accommodate half a dozen. The reason of 
17* 



194 WHAT CONSTITUTED A LADY's FORTUNE* 

which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of 
the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons 
of the ladies smaller — this, however, is a question 
for physiologists to determine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petti- 
coats, which no doubt entered into the considera- 
tion of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a 
lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she 
who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings, 
was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamschatka 
damsel with a store of bear skins, or a Lapland 
belle with a plenty of rein-deer. The ladies, 
therefore, were very anxious to display these pow- 
erful attractions to the greatest advantage ; and 
the best rooms in the house, instead of being adorn- 
ed with caricatures of^ame nature, in water co- 
lours and needle work, were always hung round 
with abundance of homespun garments, the ma- 
nufacture and the property of the females — a 
piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails 
among the heiresses of our Dutch villages. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the cir- 
cles of the gay world in these ancient times, cor- 
responded, in most particulars, with the beauteous 
damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to de- 
serve. True it is, their merits would make but a 
very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of 
a modern fair ^ they neither drove their curricles 
nor sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy 
vehicles were not even dreamt of — neither did 



EPJ'iECt OF THE WHIPPING POST. 195 

they distinguish themselves by their brilhancy at 
the table, and their consequent rencontres with 
watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific 
a disposition to need those guardians of the night, 
every soul throughout thetownbeing sound asleep 
before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish 
their claims to gentility at the expense of their 
tailors — for as yet those offenders against the 
pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all as- 
piring young gentlemen, were unknown in New- 
Amsterdam ; every good housewife made the 
clothes of her husband and family, and even the 
goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it 
no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey 
woolsey galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three 
youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of 
what is called fire and spirit. Who held all la- 
boar in contempt; skulked about docks and mar- 
ket places ; loitered in the sunshine ; squandered 
what little money they could procure at hustle 
cap and chuck farthing, swore, boxed, fought 
cocks, and raced their neighbour's horses — in 
short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, 
and abomination of the town, had not their 
styhsh career been unfortunately cut short by an 
affair of honor with a whipping post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable 
gentleman of those days — his dress, which served 
for both morning and evening, street and drawing 



196 A FINE GENTLEMAN DEPICTURED. 

room, was a linsey woolsey coat, made, perhaps, 
bj the fair hands of the mistress of his affections, 
and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large 
brass buttons. — Half a score of breeches height- 
ened the proportions of his figure — his shoes 
were decorated by enormous copper buckles — a. 
low crowned broad brimmed hat overshadowed 
his hurley visage, and his hair dangled down his 
back in a prodigious queue of eel skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth 
with pipe in njputh to besiege some fair damsel's 
obdurate heart — not such a pipe, good reader, as 
that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his 
Galatea, but of one of true delft manafacture, and 
furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With 
this would he resolutely set himself down before 
the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of 
time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, 
upon honorable terms. 

Such was the happy reign of WouterVan Twil- 
ler, celebrated in many a long forgotten song as 
the real golden age, the rest being nothing but 
counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delight- 
ful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over the 
whole province. The burgomaster smoked his 
pipe in peace — the substantial solace of his do- 
mestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat 
soberly at the door, with her arms cros ed over 
her apron of snowy white, without being insulted 



VAN TWILLEr's happy REIGN; 197 

bj ribald street walkers or vagabond boys — those 
unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, dis- 
playing under the roses of youth the thorns and 
briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover 
with ten breeches, and the damsel with petticoats 
of half a score, indulged in all the innocent en- 
dearments of virtuous love without fear and with- 
out reproach ; for what had that virtue to fear, 
which was defended by a shield of good linsey 
woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull hides 
of the invincible Ajax. 

Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when 
everything was better than it has ever been since, 
or ever will be again — when Buttermilk Channel 
was quite dry at low water — when the shad in the 
Hudson were all salmon, and when the moon shone 
with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of 
that melancholy yellow light which is the conse- 
quence of her sickening at the abominations she 
every night witnesses in this degenerate city ! 

Happy would it have been for New-Amster- 
dam could it always have existed in this state of 
blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity , but alas? 
the days of childhood are too sweet to last ! Ci- 
ties, like men, grow out of them in time, and are 
doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares, 
and miseries of the world. Let no man con- 
gratulate himself, when he beholds the child of 
his bosom or the city of his birth increasing in 



198 VAN twiller's happy reign. 

magnitude and importance — let the historj of 
his own Hfe teach him the dangers of the one, 
and this excellent little history of Mannahatta 
convince him of the calamities of the other. 



AS AFTERNOON WALK. 19S 



CHAPTER V. 

In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable 
walk, which ends verij differently from what it 
commenced* 

In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- 
dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing 
month of September, I took my customary walk 
upon the battery, which is at once the pride and 
bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of 
New- York. The ground on which I trod was hal- 
lowed by recollections of the past, and as 1 slowly 
wandered through the long alleyof poplars, which, 
like so many birch brooms standing on end, dif- 
fused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my ima- 
gination drew a contrast between the surround- 
ing scenery, and what it was in the classic days 
of our forefathers. Where the government house 
by name, but the custom house by occupation, 
proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, 
there whilome stood the low, but substantial, red 
tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter Van Twil- 
ler. Around it the mighty bulwarks of fort Am- 
sterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe ; 
but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant 
militia captain, confined their martial deeds to 



200 SCENERY AROUND NEW-YORK. 

frowns alone. The mud breast works had long 
been levelled with the earth, and their site con- 
verted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the 
battery; where the gay apprentice sported his Sun- 
day coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved 
from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured 
his weekly tale of love into the half averted ear of 
the sentimental chambermaid. The capacious 
bay still presented the same expansive sheet of 
l^ater, studded with islands, sprinkled with tishing 
boats, and bounded byshores of picturesque beau- 
ty. But the dark forests which Oiice clothed these 
shores had been violated by the savage hand of 
cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impene- 
trable thickets, had degenerated into teeming or- 
chards and waving fields of grain. Even Gover- 
nor's Island, once a smiling garden, appertaining 
to the sovereigns of the province, was now cover- 
ed with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block 
house — so that this once peaceful island resem- 
bled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, 
breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world! 
For some time did I indulge inthis pensive train 
of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, the pre- 
sent day wdththe hallowed years behind the moun- 
tains ; lamenting the melancholy progress of im- 
provement, and praising the zeal with which our 
worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks 
of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors, from 
the overwhelming tide of modern innovation — 



A CALM DESCRIBED. 201 

when by degrees my ideas took a different turn, 
and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of 
the beauties around me. 

It was one of those rich autumnal days, which 
heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous 
island of Manna-hata and its vicinity — not a float- 
ing cloud obscured the azure firmament — the sun, 
rolling in glorious splendour through his ethereal 
course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch coun- 
tenance into an unusual expression of benevolence, 
as he smiled his evening s;alutation upon a «?ity, 
which he delights to visit with his most bounteous 
beams — the very winds seemed to hold in their 
breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle 
the tranquillity of the hour — and the waveless bo- 
som of the bay presented a polished mirror, in 
which nature beheld herself and smiled. The 
standard of our city, reserved like a choice hand- 
kerchief, for days of gala, hung motionless on the 
flag staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic 
churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the pop- 
lar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath 
of heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce in 
the profound repose of nature. The formidable 
eighteen pounders slept in the embrazures of the 
wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh 
strength to fight the battles of their country on 
the next fourth of July — the solitary drum on Go- 
vernor's Island forgot to call the garrison to their 
shovels — the evening gun had not yet sounded it? 

VOL. I. 18 



202 A CALM DESCRIBED. 

signal, for all the regular, well meaning poultry 
throughout the country, to go to roost ; and the 
fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island 
and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and 
suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un- 
molested in the soft mud of their native banks! — 
My own feelings sympathized with the contagious 
tranquillity, and I should infalhbly have dozed 
upon one of those fragments of benches, which 
our benevolent magistrates have provided for the 
beifefit of convalescent loungers, had not the ex- 
traordinary inconvenience of the couch set all re- 
pose at detiance. 

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my 
attention was attracted to a black speck, peering 
above the western horizon, just in the rear of Ber- 
gen steeple — gradually it augments and overhangs 
the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Ho- 
boken, which, like three jockies, are starting on 
the course of existence, and jostling each other at 
the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the 
long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide 
shadows from the high settlements at Weehawk 
quite to tlie lazaretto and quarantine, erected by 
the sagacity of our poHce, for the embarrassment 
of commerce — now it climbs the serene vault of 
heaven, cloud rolling overcloud, shroudingthe orb 
of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing 
thuuder and hail and tempest in its bosom. The 
eartii seems agitated at the confusion of the hea- 



A TEMPEST. 203 

vens — the late waveless mirror is lashed into fu- 
rious waves, that roll in hollow murmurs to the 
shore — the oyster boats that erst sported in the 
placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry af- 
frighted to the land — the poplar writhes and 
twists and whistles in the blast — torrents of 
drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the bat- 
tery walks — the gates are thronged by apprentices, 
servant maids, and httle PVenchmen, with pocket 
handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from 
the storm — the late beauteous prospect presents 
one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though 
old Chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling 
back into one vast turmoil the conflicting ele- 
ments of nature. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or 
remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train- 
band captains, who march their soldiers through 
the rain without flinching, are points which I leave 
to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he 
may be a little perplexed also to know the reason 
why I introduced this tremendous tempest to 
disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter 
point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. 
The panorama view of the battery was given 
merely to gratify the reader with a correct de- 
scription of that celebrated place, and the parts 
adjacent— r-secondly, the storm was played OiFpart- 
iy to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil 
part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers 



204 HOJ/ESTY NOT THE BEST POLICY 

from falling asleep — and partly to serve as an 
overture to the tempestuous times that are about 
to assail the pacific province of Nieuv^r-Neder- 
landts — and that overhang the slumbrous admi- 
nistration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. 
It is thus the experienced play-wright puts all the 
fiddles, the French horns, the kettle drums, and 
trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher 
in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars 
called Melodrames — and it is thus he discharges 
his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, 
preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the mur- 
dering of a hero. — We will now proceed with 
our history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to 
the contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, 
the old maxim, that "honesty is the bestpohcy," 
is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have 
answered well enough in the honest times when 
it was made ; but in these degenerate days, if a 
nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of 
its dealings, it will fare something like an honest 
man amongthieves, who, unless he have something 
more than his honesty to depend upon, stands but 
a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such 
at least was the case with the guileless govern- 
ment of the New-Netherlands; which, like a wor- 
thy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself 
down into the city of New-Amsterdam, as into a 
snug elbow chair — and fell into a comfortable 



ILLUSTRATED. 205' 

nap-^while in the mean time its cunning neigh- 
bours stepped in and picked its pockets. Thus 
may we ascribe the commencement of all the 
woes of this great province, and its magnificent 
metropolis, to the tranquil security, or to speak 
more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty of its 
government. But as I dislike to begin an impor- 
tant part of my history towards the end of a 
chapter; and as my readers, like myself, must 
doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the long 
walk we have taken, and the tempest we have 
sustained — 1 hold it meet we shut up the book, 
smoke a pipe, and having thus refreshed oilr 
spirits, take a fair start in the next chapter. 



18^ 



206 EFFECTS or THE MEASURED 



CHAPTER VI. 

Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Con- 
necticut and thereabouts — Showings moreover, 
the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a 
curious device amon^ these sturdy barbarians, to 
keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote 
population. 

That my readers may the more fully compre- 
Jiend the extent of the calamity, at this very mo- 
ment impending over the honest, unsuspecting 
province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious 
governor, it is necessary that 1 should give some 
account of a horde of strange barbarians, border- 
ing upon the eastern frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that many years pre- 
vious to the time of which Ave are treating, the 
sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain 
national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or 
rather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal 
subject was directed to travel to Zion — taking 
care to pay the toll gatherers by the way. 

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very 
much given to indulge their own opinions, on all 
manner of subjects, (a propensity exceednigly of- 
fensive to your free governments of Europe,) did 



OF THE ENGLISH CABINET. 207 

most presumptuously dare to think for themselves 
in matters of religion, exercising what they con- 
sidered a natural a^id unextinguishable right — the 
liberty of conscience. 

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous ha- 
bit of mind which always thinks aloud; which rides 
cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever gallop- 
ing into other people's ears, it naturally followed 
that their liberty of conscience likewise implied 
liberty of speech^ which being freely indulged, soon 
put the country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious 
indignation of the vigilant fathers of the church. 
* The usual methods were adopted 'to reclaim 
them, that in those days were considered so ef- 
ficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold; 
that is to say, they were coaxed, they were ad- 
monished, they were menaced, they were buffet- 
ed — line upon line, precept upon precept, lash 
upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, 
were exhausted without mercy, and without suc- 
cess ; until at length the worthy pastors of the 
church, wearied out by their unparalleled stub- 
bornness, were driven in the excess of their ten- 
der mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and hte- 
rally " heaped live embers on their heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible 
spirit of independence which has ever distinguish- 
ed this singular race of people, so that rather than 
submit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all 
embarked for the wilderness of America, where 



208 LOQUACIOUS SOIL OP AMERICA. 

they might enjoy, unmolested, the inesthnablefux- 
ury of talking. No sooner did they land on this 
loquacious soil, than, as if theyjj^ad caught the dis- 
ease from the climate, they aH lifted up their voi- 
ces at once, and for the space of one whole year 
did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we are 
told they frightened every bird and beast out of 
the neighbourhood,and so completely dumb-found- 
ed certain fish, which abound on their coast, that 
they have been called dumh-Jish ever since. 

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as 
it may seem, did first originate that renowned pri- 
vilege so loudly boasted of throughout this couri^ 
try — ^which is so eloquently exercised in newspa- 
pers, pamphlets, ward meetings, pot-house com- 
mittees and congressional deliberations — which 
establishes the right of talking without ideas and 
without information — of misrepresenting public 
affairs — of decrying public measures — of aspers- 
ing great characters, and destroying little ones ; 
in short, that grand palladium of our country, the 
liberty of speech. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while 
contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish- 
ment, but discovering that they wielded harmless 
though noisj weapons, and were a lively, inge- 
nious, good-humoured race of men, they became 
very friendly and sociable, and gave them the 
name of Yanokies^ which in the Mais-Tchusaeg 
(or Massachusett) language signifies silent men — 



ORIGIN OF YANKEES. 209 

a waggish appellation, since shortened into the 
iamihar epithet of Yankees, which they retSin 
imto the present day. 

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will 
not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the 
zeal of these good people, to maintain their rights 
and privileges unimpaired, did for a while betray 
them into errors, which it is easier to pardon than 
defend. Having served a regular apprenticeship 
in the school of persecution, it behoves them to 
show that they had become proficients in the art. 
They accordingly employed their leisure hours in 
banishing, scourging, or hanging, divers heretical 
papists, quakers, and anabaptists, for daring to 
abuse the liberty of conscience ; which they now 
clearly proved to imply nothing more than that 
every man should think as he pleased in matters 
of religion — providedhe thought right ; for other- 
wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable 
heresies. Now as they (the majority) were per- 
fectly convinced, that they alone thought right, it 
consequently followed, that whoever thought dif- 
ferent from them thought wrong — and whoever 
thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not 
being convinced and converted, was a flagrant 
violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, 
and a corrupt and infectious member of the body 
pohtic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast 
into the fire. 



210 LIBERTY OF CONSCIENCE EXPLAINED. 

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my read- 
ers, ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, 
with that virtuous indignation with which we^ al- 
ways contemplate the faults and errors of our 
neighbours, and to exclaim at these well meaning 
but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the 
injuries they had suffered themselves — for indul- 
ging the preposterous idea of convincing the mind 
by tormenting the body, and establishing the doc- 
trine of charity and forbearance by intolerant 
persecution. But, in simple truth, what are we 
doing at this very day, and in this very enlighten- 
ed nation, but acting upon the very same princi- 
ple, in our political controversies. Have we not 
within but a few years released ourselves from the 
shackles of a government which cruelly denied 
us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using 
in full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue ? 
and are we not at this very moment striving our 
best to tyrannise over the opinions, tie up the 
tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another ? 
What are our great political societies, but mere 
political inquisitions — our pot-house committees 
but little tribunals of denunciation — our newspa- 
pers but mere whipping posts and pillories, where 
unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten 
eggs — and our council of appointment, but a 
grand auto defty where culprits are annually sa- 
crificed for their political heresies ? 



ADVANTAGES Or BUNDLING. 211 

Where then is the dilference in principle be- 
tween our measures and those you are so ready to 
condemn among the people I am treating of? 
There is none; the difference is merely circum- 
stautial. — Thus we denomice, instead of banish- 
ing — we libel^ instead of scourging — w^e turn out 
of office, instead of hanging — and where they 
burnt an offender in propria persona, we either 
tar and feather or burn him in effigy — this politi- 
cal persecution being, some how or other, the 
grand palladium of our liberties, and an incon- 
trovertible proof that this is a free country ! 

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with 
wdiich this holy war was prosecuted against the / 
w^hole race of unbelievers, we do not find that 
the population of this new colony was in any 
wise hindered thereby; on the contrary, they mul- 
tiplied to a degree which would be incredible to 
any man unacquainted with the marvellous fe- 
cundity of this growling country. 

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly 
ascribed to a singulafr custom prevalent among 
them, commonly known by the name of bundling 
— a superstitious rite observed by the young peo- 
ple of both sexes, with which they usually ter- 
minated their festivities ; and which was kept up 
with rehgious strictness by the more bigoted and 
vulgar part of the community. This ceremony 
was likewise, in those primitive times, considered 
as an indispensable prehminary to matrimony ; 



212 INCREASE OF POPULATION. 

their courtships commencing where ours usuallj 
finish — by which means they acquired that inti- 
mate acquaintance with each others' good quah- 
ties before marriage, which has been pronounced 
by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. 
Thus early did this cunning and ingenious peo- 
ple display a shrewdness at making a bargain, 
which has ever since distinguished them — and a 
strict adherence to the good old vulgar maxim 
about " buying a pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
attribute the unparalleled increase of the yanokie' 
or yankee tribe ; for it is a certain fact, well au- 
thenticated by court records and parish registers, 
that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, 
there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an- 
nually born unto the state, without the license of 
the law, or the benefit of clergy. Neither did 
the irregularity of their birth operate in the least 
to their disparagement. On the contrary, they 
grew up a long sided, raw boned, hardy race of 
whoreson whalers, wood cutters, fishermen, and 
pedlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches ; who by 
their united efforts tended marvellously towards 
populating those notable tracts of country called 
Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 



BESCRIPTION OF A YANKEE FARMER. 2 hi 



CHAPTER VII. 

How these singular barbarians turned out to be 
notorious squatters. How they built air castles, 
and attempted to iriitiate the J^ederlanders in 
the mystery of bundling. 

In the last chapter I have given a faithful and 
unprejudiced account of the origin of that singu- 
lar race of people, inhabiting the country east- 
v^ard of the Nieuw-Nederlandts ; but I have yet 
to mention certain peculiar habits which render- 
ed them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever ho- 
noured Dutch ancestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain 
rambling propensity, with which, like the sons of 
Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by hea- 
ven, and which continually goads them on, to 
shift their residence from place to place, so that 
a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migra- 
tion; tarrying occasionally here and there; clear- 
ing lands for other people to enjoy, building 
houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner may 
be considered the wandering Arab of America, 

His first thought, on coming to the years of man- 
hood, is to ^e/Z/e himself in the world — which means 
nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. 

VOL. J. 19 



214 YANKEE doodle's PROGRESS. 

To this end he takes unto himself for a wife some 
buxom country heiress, passing rich in red ri- 
bands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs, 
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, 
and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple 
sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin pie. 

Having thus provided himself, like a pedler with 
a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoul- 
ders through the journey of life, he literally sets 
out on the peregrination. His whole family, 
household furniture, and farming utensils, are 
hoisted into a covered eart; his own and his wife's 
wardrobe packed up in a tirkin — which done, he 
shoulders his axe, takes stalF in hand, whistles 
"yankee doodle," and trudges otfto the woods, as 
confident of the protection of Providence, and 
relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as 
did ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed 
into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having 
buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself 
a log hut, clears away a cornfield and potatoe 
patch, and Providence smiling upon his labours, 
is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half 
a score of flaxen headed urchins, who, by their 
size, seem to have sprung all at once out of the 
earth, like a crop of toad-stools. 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatiga- 
ble of speculators to rest contented with any state 
of sublunary enjoyment — improvement i^ his dar- 
ling passion, and having thus improved his land^, 



HIS WOODEN PALACE. 215 

the next care is to provide a mansion worthy the 
residence of a land liolder. A huge palace of pine 
boards immediately springs up in the midst of the 
wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and 
furnished with windows of all dimensions, hut so 
rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it 
a fit of the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air cas- 
tle is completed, either the funds or the zeal of 
our adventurer are exhausted, so that he barely 
manages to half finish one room within, where the 
whole family burrow together — while the rest of 
the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, 
or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decora- 
ted with fanciful festoon* of dried apples and 
peaches. The outside remaining unpainted, 
grows venerably black with time ; the family ward- 
robe is laid under contribution for old hats, petti- 
coats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken win- 
dows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a 
whistling and howling about this aerial palace, 
and play as many unruly gambols as they did of 
yore in the rave of old ^olus. 

The humble log hut, which whilome nestled ^lis 
improving family snugly within its narrow but 
comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignom.inious 
contrast, degraded into a cow house or pig sty ; 
and thewholesceneremindsoneforcibly of a fable, 
which I am surprised has never been recorded, of 
an aspiring snail, who abandoned his humble ha- 



916 PEOPLE or CONNECTICUT. 

bitation, which he had long filleU with great re- 
spectabihtj, to crawl into the empty shell of a 
lobster — where he would no doubt have resided 
with great style and splendour, the envy and hate 
of all the pains-taking snails in his neighbourhood, 
had he not accidentally perished with cold, in one 
corner of his stupendous mansion. 

Being thus completely settled, and to use his 
own words, " to rights," one would imagine that 
he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situa- 
tion, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect 
his own business, and attend to the affairs of 
the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen 5 but 
now it is that his wayward disposition begins again 
to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where 
(.here is no longer any room for improvement — 
sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and 
all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts him- 
self at the head of his family, and wanders away 
in search of new lands — again to fell trees — again 
to clear corn-fields — again to build a shingle pa- 
Itice, and again to sell off and wander. 

Such were the people of Connecticut, who bor- 
dered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts, and my readers may easily imagine what 
obnoxious neighbours this light-hearted but rest- 
less tribe must have been to our tranquil progeni- 
tors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if they 
have ever known one of our regular, well organiz- 
o(\. Dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven 



THEIR MEDDLING OUTRAGES. 217 

to afflict with the neighbourhood of a French board- 
ing-house ? The honest old burgher cannot take 
his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door, 
but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, 
the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil- 
dren — he cannot sleep at night for the horrible 
melodies of some amateur, who chooses to seren- 
ade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency 
in execution, on the clarionet, the hautboy, or some 
other soft toned instrument — nor can he leave the 
street door open, but his house is defiled by the 
unsavoury visits of a troop of pug dogs, who even 
sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the 
sanctum sanctorum, the parlour ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the suffer- 
ings of such a family, so situated, they may form 
some idea how our worthy ancestors were distress- 
ed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut, 

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, pene- 
trated into the New-Netherland settlements, and 
threw whole villages into consternation by their 
unparalleled volubility, and their intolerable in- 
quisitiveness — two evil habits hitherto unknown 
in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; 
for our ancestors were noted as being men of 
truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew 
nor cared aught about any body's concerns but 
their own. Many enormities were committed on 
the high ways, where several unoffending burgh- 
ers were brought to a stand, and tortun^d with 
19* 



218 EXPLICATION or SQUATTING. 

questions and guesses, which outrages occasion- 
ed as much vexation and heart-burning as does 
the modern right of search on the high seas. 

Great jealousy did they hkewise stir up, by 
their intermeddling and successes among the di- 
vine sex ; for being a race of brisk, hkely, plea- 
sant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the hght 
affections of the simple damsels from their pon- 
derous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
customs, they attempted to introduce among them 
that of bundling, w^hich the Dutch lasses of the 
Nederlandts, with that eager passion for novelty 
and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed 
very well inchned to follow, but that their mo- 
thers, being more experienced in the world, and 
better acquainted with men and things, strenu- 
ously discountenanced all such outlandish inno- 
vations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ances- 
tors with these strange folk, was an unwarrantable 
liberty which they occasionally took of entering 
in hordes into the territories of the New-Nether- 
lands, and settling themselves down, without leave 
or licefise, to improve the land, in the manner I 
have before noticed. This unceremonious mode 
of taking possession of new land was technically 
termi3d squatting, and hence is derived the appel- 
lation oi squatters ^ anameodtous in the ears of all 
great landholders, and which is given to those en- 
terprising worthies who seize upon land first, and 



HOW A MAN MAY CARRY AN OX. 219 

take their chance to make good their title to it 
afterwards. 

Ail these grievances, and many others which 
were constantly accumulating, tended to form that 
dark and portentous cloud, which, as I observed 
in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the 
tranquil province of New-Netherlands. The pa- 
cific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be 
perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a mag- 
nanimity that redounds to their immortal credit — 
becoming by passive endurance inured to this in- 
creasing mass of wrongs; like that mighty man of 
old who by dint of carrying about a calf from the 
time it was born, continued to carry it without 
difficulty when it had grown to be an ox. 



220 ARDUOUS TASK OF THE AUTHORi 



CHAPTER VIII. 

How the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully/ beleaguer' 
eJ — how the renowned Wouter fell into a pror 
found doubt ^ and how he finally evaporated. 

By this time my readers must fully perceive 
what an arduous task I have undertaken — collect- 
ing and collating, with painful minuteness, the 
chronicles of past times, whose events almost de- 
fy the powers of research — exploring a httle kind 
of Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly 
for ages buried under the rubbish of years, and 
almost totally forgotten — raking up the limbs and 
fragments of disjointed facts, and endeavouring to 
put them scrupulously together, so as to restore 
them to their original form and connexion — now 
lugging forth the character of an almost forgotten 
hero, like a mutilated statue — now decyphering a 
half defaced inscription, and now hghting upon a 
mouldering manuscript, Vv^hich, after painful stu- 
dy, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 

In such case how much has the reader to de- 
pend upon the honor and probity of his author, 
lest, hke a cunning antiquarian, he either impose 
upon him some spurious fabrication of his own, 
for a precious relic from antiquity — or else dress 



HIS HONOURVAND IMPARTIALITY. 221 

up the dismembered fragment with such false 
trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distin- 
guish the truth from the fiction with which it is 
enveloped. This is at grievance which I have 
more than once had to lament, in the course of 
my wearisome researches among the works of 
my fellow historians, who have strangely disguis- 
ed and distorted the facts respecting this coun- 
try; and particularly respecting the great pro- 
vince of New-Netherlands; as will be perceived 
by any who will take the trouble to compare their 
romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretri- 
cious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 
I have had more vexations of the kind to en- 
counter, in those parts of my history which treat 
of the transactions on the eastern border, than in 
any other, in consequence of the troops of histo- 
rians who have infested those quarters, and have 
shown the honestpeopleof Nieuw-Nederlandts no 
mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Ben- 
jamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the 
Dutch were always mere intruders. — Now to this 
I shall make no other reply, than to proceed in the 
steady narration of my history, which will contain 
not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and 
possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, 
and that they were wrongfully dispossessed there- 
of — but likewise, that they have been scandalous- 
ly maltreated ever since, by the misrepresenta- 
^ons of the crafty historians of New-England,-~ 



^22 FORT GOED HOOP. 

And in this 1 shall be guided by a spirit of truth 
and impartiality, and a regard to immortal fame 
— for I would not wittingly dishonour my work 
by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or pre- 
judice, though it should gain our forefathers the 
whole country of New-England. 

It was at an early period of the province, and 
previous to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, 
that the cabinet of Nieuw-Nederlandts purchased 
the lands about the Connecticut, and estabhshed, 
for their superintendence and protection, a forti- 
fied post on the banks of the river, which was call- 
ed Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the 
present fair city of Hartford. The command of 
this important post, together with the rank, title, 
and appointment of commissary, were given in 
charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as 
some historians will have it, Van Curbs — a most 
doughty soldier, of that stomachful class of which 
we have such numbers on parade days — who are 
famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very 
soldierlike appearance, and would have been an 
exceeding tall man had his legs been in propor- 
tion to his body ; but the latter being long, and the 
former uncommonly si lort, it gave him the uncouth 
appearance of a tall man's body mounted upon a 
little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit 
construction of body by throwing his legs to such 
an extent when he marched, that you would have 
sworn he had on the identical seven league boots 



INVASION BY THE SQUATTERS. 223 

of the far-famed Jack the giant killer; and so as- 
tonishingly high did he tread, on any great mili- 
tary occasion, that his soldiers were oft-times 
alarmed, lesthe should trample himself underfoot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, 
and the appointment of this ugly little man of war 
as a commander, the intrepid Yankees continued 
those daring interlopings which I have hinted at 
in my last chapter ; and taking advantage of the 
character which the cabiiietof Wouter Van Twil- 
ler soon acquired, for profound and phlegmatic 
tranquillity — did audaciously invade the territo- 
ries of the Nieuw-Nederlants, and squat them- 
selves down within the very jurisdiction of fort 
Goed Hoop. 

On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van 
Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and va- 
liant ofjicer. He immediately protested against 
these unwarrantable encroachments, in Low 
Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and forth- 
with despatched a copy of the protest to the go- 
vernor at New-Amsterdam, together with a long 
and bitter account of the aggressions of the ene- 
my. This done, he ordered his men, one and 
all, to be of good cheer — shut the gate of the fort, 
smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited 
the result with a resolute and intrepid tranquilli- 
ty, that greatly animated his adherents, and no 
doubt struck sore dismay and atlright into the 
hearts of the enemy. 



224 

Now it came to pass, that about this time, the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and 
honours, and council dinners, had reached that 
period of life and faculty which, according to the 
great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission into 
the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed 
his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an as- 
semblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly 
as venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, 
their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious 
averseness to coming to any conclusion in busi- 
ness, are only to be equalled by certain profound 
corporations which I have known in my time. — 
Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus 
Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straight- 
way into one of the deepest doubts that ever he 
was known to encounter ; his capacious head gra- 
dually drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, 
andinclinedhisear to one side, as if listening with 
great attention to the discussion that was going on 
in his belly ; which all who knew him declared to 
be the huge court-house, or council chamber of 
his thoughts 5 forming to his head what the house 
of representatives do to the senate. An inarti- 
culate sound, very much resembhng a snore, oc- 
casionally escaped him — but the nature of this 
internal cogitation was never known, as he never 
opened his lips on the subject to man, woman, or 
child. In the mean time, the protest of Van 
Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served 



TOWN OF PYQUAO. 225 

to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled 
in council ; and in the great smoke which they 
raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his 
mighty fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely 
beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of emer- 
gency swallowed up in the speeches and resolu- 
tions of a modern session of Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your pro- 
found legislators and sage deliberative councils 
are mightily in the way of a nation; and when an 
ounce of hair-brained decision is worth a pOund of 
sage doubt and cautious discussion. Such, at 
least, was the case at present ; for while the re- 
nowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling 
with his doubts, and his resolution growing weak- 
er and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed 
farther and farther into his territories, and assu- 
med a most formidable appearance in the neigh- 
bourhood of fort Goed Hoop, nere they founded 
the mighty town of Pt/quag, or, as it has since 
been called, Weathersfield, a place which, if w^e 
may credit the assertions of that worthy historian, 
John Josselyn, Gent, "hath been infamous by 
reason of the witches therein." — And so daring 
did these men of Pyquag become, that they ex* 
tended those plantations of onions, for which their 
town is illustrious, under the very noses of the 
garrison of fort Goed Hoop — insomuch that the 
honest Dutchmen could not look toward that 
quarter without tears in their eyes. 
VOL. I. 20 



226 VAN curlet's precautions. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper 
indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. — 
He absolutely trembled with the amazing violence 
of his choler, and the exacerbations of his valour; 
which seemed to be the more turbulent in their 
workings, from the length of the body in which 
they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to 
strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, 
deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a 
double row of abbatis ; after which valiant pre- 
cautions, he despatched a fresh courier with tre- 
mendous accounts of his perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear these alarming 
despatches was a fat oily li-ttle man, as^ being 
least liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on 
the journey ; and to insure his speed, he was 
mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the gar- 
rison, remarkable for his length of limb, large- 
ness of bone, aild hardness of trot ; and so tall, 
that the little messenger was obliged to climb on 
his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such 
extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived 
at fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, 
though the distance was full two hundred pipes, 
or about 120 miles. 

The extraordinary appearance of this porten- 
tous stranger would have thrown the whole town 
of New- Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good 
people troubled themselves about any thing more 
than their domestic affairs. With an appearance 



227 



of great hiirry and business, and smoking a short 
travelling pipe, be proceeded on a long swing trot 
tbrough tbe muddy lanes of the metropolis, demo- 
lishing whole batches of dirt pies, which the little 
Dutch children were making in the road; and for 
wdiich kind of pastry the children of this city have 
ever been famous. On arriving at the governor's 
house, he climbed down from his steed in great 
trepidation; roused the gray headed door keeper, 
old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and 
faithful representative, the venerable crier of our 
court, was nodding at his post — rattled at the door 
of the council chamber, and startled the members 
as they were dozing over a plan for estabhshing' 
a public market. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather 
a deep drawn snore, was heard from the chair of 
the governor; a whifF of smoke w^as at the same in- 
stant observed to escape from his lips, and a light 
cloud to ascend from the bowd of his pipe. The 
council of course supposed him engaged in deep 
sleep for the good of the community, and, ac- 
cording to custom in all such cases established, 
every man bawled out silence, in order to main- 
tain tranquillity; when, of a sudden, the door flew 
open, and the little courier straddled into the 
apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hes- 
sian boots, which he had got into for the sake of 
expedition. In his right hand he held forth the 
ominous despatches, and with his left he grasped 



228 VAN twiller's last whiff. 

firmly the waistband of his galligaskins, which 
had unfortunately given way, in the exertion of 
descending from his horse. He stumped resolutely 
up to the governor, and with more hurry than per- 
spicuity, delivered his message. But fortunately 
his ill tidings came toolate to ruffle the tranquillity 
of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable 
excellency had just breathed and smoked his last 
— his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted 
together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in 
the last whitF that curled from his tobacco pipe. 
In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter, 
who ha4 so often slumbered with his contempora- 
ries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus 
Kieft governed in his stead. 



BOOK IV. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN of 
WILLIAM THE TESTY. 



CHAPTER I. 

Showing the nature of history in general^ contain- 
ing farthennore the universal acquirements of 
William the Testy ^ and how a man may learn so 
much as to render himself good for nothing. 

When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter 
upon his description of the plague that desolated 
Athens, one of bis modern commentators assures 
the reader, that the history is now going to be ex- 
ceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic ; and hints, 
with that air of chuckling gratulation with which 
a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a 
cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague 
will give his history a most agreeable variety. 

In like manner did my heart leap within me, 

when I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort 

Good Hope, which I at once perceived to be the 

forerunner of a series of great events and enter- 

20* 



230 TRUE CHARACTER OF HEROES. 

taining disasters. Such are the true subjects for 
the historic pen. For what is history, in fact, hut 
a kind of Newgate kalendar, a register of the 
crimes and miseries that man has inflicted ©n his 
fellow man. It is a huge hbel on human nature, 
to which we industriously add page after page, 
volume after volume, as if we were building up a 
monument to the honour, rather than the infamy 
of our species. If we turn over the pages of these 
chronicles that Inan has written of himself, what 
are the characters dignified by the appellation of 
great, and held up to the admiration of posterity? 
Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for 
the magnitude of their misdeeds, and the stupen- 
dous wrongs and miseries they have inflicted on 
mankind — warriors, who have hired themselves 
to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous 
patriotism, or to protect the injured and defence- 
less, but merely to gain the vaunted glory of be- 
ing adroit and successful in massacring their fel- 
low beings ! What are the great events that con- 
stitute a glorious era? — The fall of empires — the 
desolation of happy countries — splendid cities 
smoking in their ruins — the proudest works of 
art tumbled in the dust — the shrieks and groans 
of whole nations ascending unto heaven! 

It is thus the historians may be said to thrive 
on the miseries of mankind, like birds of prey that 
hover over the field of battle, to fatten on the 
mighty dead. It was observed by a great project- 



HEROES FOR WHAT DESIGNED. 231 

or. of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes, 
and oceans, were only formed to feed canals. — 
In like manner I am tempted to believe, that plots, 
conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres, are 
ordained by Providence only as food for the his- 
torian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, 
in studying the wonderful economy of nature, to 
trace the mutual dependencies of things, how 
they areXreated reciprocally for each other, and 
how the most noxious and apparently unnecessa- 
ry animal has its uses. Thus those swarms of 
flies, which are so often execrated as useless ver- 
min, are created for the sustenance of spiders — 
and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently 
made to devour flies. So those heroes who have 
been such scourges to the world, were bounte- 
ously provided as themes for the poet and the 
historian, while the poet and the historian were 
destined to record the achievements of heroes ! 

These, and many similar reflections, naturally 
arose in my mind, as I took up my pen to com- 
mence the reign of William Kieft : for now the 
stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in 
a tranquil current, is about to depart for ever from 
its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a 
turbulent and rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, 
which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover 
field lies sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear 
repeated taunts and blows, before it heaves its 



232 REIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 

unwieldy limbs and clumsily arouses from its 
slumbers ; so the province of the Nieuw-Neder- 
landts, having long thrived and grown corpulent, 
under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was 
reluctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction, 
that, by patient sufferance, its grievances had be- 
come so numerous and aggravating, that it was 
preferable to repel than endure them. The 
reader will now witness the manner in which a 
peaceful community advances towards a state of 
war ; which it is too apt to approach, as a horse 
does a drum, with much prancing and parade, but 
with Httle progress — and too often with the wrong 
end foremost. 

WiLHELMUS KiEFT, who in 1634 ascended the 
gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favourite, though 
clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists,) was 
in form, feature, and character, the very reverse 
of Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned predeces- 
sor. He was of very respectable descent, his fa- 
ther being Inspector of Windmills in the ancient 
town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, made 
very curious in /estigations into the nature and 
operations of those machines when a boy, which 
is one reason why he afterwards came to be so 
ingenious a governor. His name, according to 
the most ingenious etymologists, was a corruption 
ofKyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder, and 
expressed the hereditary disposition of his family; 
which for nearly two centuries had kept the windy 



HIS PERSONAL ENDOWMENT'S. 233 

town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more 
tartars and brimstones than any ten famiHes in 
the place — and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft in- 
herit this family endowment, that he had scarcely 
been a year in the discharge of his government, 
before he was universally known by the appella- 
tion of William the Testy. 

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, 
who had dried and withered away, partly through 
the natural process of years, and partly from be- 
ing parched and burnt up by his fiery soul ; which 
blazed like a vehement rush light in his bosom, 
constantly inciting him to most valourous broils, 
altercations, and misadventures. 1 have heard it 
observed by a profound and philosophical judge of 
human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she 
grows old, the tenure of her life is very precari- 
ous, but if haply she withers, she hves for ever — 
such likewise was the case wdth William the Tes- 
ty, who grew tougher in proportion as he dried.* 
He was some such a little Dutchman as we may 
now and then see stumping briskly about the 
streets of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with 
huge buttons, an old fashioned cocked hat stuck 
on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his 
chin. His visage was broad, and his features sharp, 
his nose turned up with a most petulant curl; his 
cheeks were scorched into a dusky red — doubtless 
in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce 
little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul 



234 HIS UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS. 

beamed with tropical fervour. The corners of his 
mouth were curiously modelled into a kind of fret 
work, not a little resembling the wrinkled pro- 
boscis of an irritable pug dog — in a word, he was 
one of the most positive, restless, ugly, little men, 
that ever put himself in a passion about nothing. 
Such were the personal endowments of William 
the Testy, but it was the sterling riches of his 
mind that raised him to dignity and power. In 
his youth he had passed with great credit through 
a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for pro- 
ducing finished scholars with a despatch unequal- 
led, except by certain of our American colleges. 
Here he skirmished very smartly on the frontiers 
of several of the sciences, and rriade so gallant an 
inroad in the dead languages, as to bring oiF cap- 
tive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, to- 
gether with divers pithy saws and apophthegms, all 
which he constantly paraded in conversation and 
writing, with as much vain glory as would a tri- 
umphant general of yore display the spoils of the 
countries he had ravaged. He had, moreover, puz- 
zled himself considerably with logic, in v/hich he 
had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar 
acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole 
family of syllogisms and dilemmas ; but what he 
chiefly valued himself on, was his knowledge of 
metaphysics, in which, having once upon a time 
ventured too deeply, he came well nigh being 
smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning — 



H13 UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS. 235 

a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never 
perfectly recovered. This, I must confess, was 
in- some measure a misfortune, for he never en- 
gaged in argument, of which he was exceeding 
fond, but what, between logical deductions and 
metaphysical jargon, he soon involved himself 
and his subject in a fog of contradictions and per- 
plexities, and then would get into a mighty passion 
with his adversary for not being convinced gratis. 

It is in knowledge as in swimming; he who os- 
tentatiously sports and flounders on the surface, 
makes more noise and splashing, and attracts more 
attention, than the industrious pearl diver, who 
plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. The 
"universal acquirements" of William Kieft were 
the subject of great marvel and admiration among 
his countrymen — he figured about at the Hague 
with as much vain glory as does a profound Bonze 
at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the 
Chinese alphabet; and, in a word, was unanimous- 
ly pronounced dinuniver sal genius/ — I have known 
many universal geniuses in my time, though, to 
speak my mind freely, 1 never knew one, who, for 
the ordinarypurposesof life, was worth his weight 
in straw — but, for the purposes of government, a 
little sound- judgment, and plain common sense, 
is worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote 
poetry, or invented theories. 

Strange as it may sound, therefore, the univer- 
sal acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus were 



236 THEIR DISADVANTAGES. 

Tery much in his way, and had he heen a less 
learned man* it is possible he would have been a 
much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond 
of trying philosophical and political experiments; 
and having stuffed his head full of scraps and rem- 
nants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and 
aristocracies, and monarchies, and the laws of So- 
lon and Lycurgus and Charondas, and the imagi- 
nary commonwealth of Plato, and the Pandects 
of Justinian, and a thousand other fragments of 
venerable antiquity, he was for ever bent upon 
introducing some one or other of them into use ; 
so that between one contradictory measure and 
another, he eiitangled the government of the lit- 
tle province of Nieuw-Nederlandts in more knots 
during his administration, than half a dozen suc- 
cessors could have untied. 

No sooner had this bustling little man been 
blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of go- 
vernment, than he called together his coun(5il,and 
delivered a very animated speech on the affairs of 
the province. As every body knows what a glo- 
rious opportunity a governor, a president, or even 
an emperor has, of drubbing his enemies in his 
speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has 
the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the 
high mettled William Kieft did not suffer so fa- 
vourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing 
that gallantry of tongue, common to all able legis- 
lators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that 



SYMPHONY PRECEDIXG HIS SPEECH. 237 

he took out his pocket handerchief, and gave a 
very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the 
usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I 
believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call 
the attention of the auditors, but with William 
the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he 
had read of the singular expedient of that famous 
demagogue, Caius Gracchus, who, when he ha- 
rangued the Roman populace, modulated his 
tones by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe. 

This . prepatory symphony being performed, 
he commenced by expressing a humble sense of 
his own want of talents — ^his utter unworthiness 
of the honour conferred upon him, and his humi- 
liating incapacity to discharge the important du- 
ties of his new station — in short, he expressed so 
contemptible an opinion of himself, that many 
simple country members present, ignorant that 
these were mere words of course, always used on 
such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt 
wroth that he should accept an office, for which 
he was consciously so inadequate. 
' He then proceeded in a manner highly classic 
and profoundly erudite, though nothing at all to 
the purpose, being nothing more than a pompous 
account of all the governments of ancient Greece, 
and the wars of Rome and Carthage, together with 
the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, 
about which the assembly knew no more than their 
great grand children yet unborn. Thus having, 

VOL. I 21 



238 HIS AWFUL PROCLAMATION. 

after the manner of jour learned orators, convinc- 
ed the audience that he was a man of many words 
and great erudition, he at length came to the less 
important part of his speech, the situation of the 
province — and here he soon worked himself into 
a fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he com- 
pared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the 
Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains 
of Europe — nor did he forget to mention, in terms 
of adequate opprobium, the insolence with which 
the J had encroached upon the territories of New- 
Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with 
which they had commenced the town of New-Ply- 
mouth, and planted the onion patches of Weathers- 
lield, under the very walls of fort Goed Hoop. 

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of ter- 
ror to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, 
and declared, with a nod of knowing import, that 
he had taken measures to put a final stop to these 
encroachments — that he had been obliged to have 
recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately 
invented, awful in its effects, but authorized by 
direful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to 
conquer the Yankees — by proclamation! 

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous 
instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, 
and enjoining the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to 
remove, depart, and v>'it}idraw from the districts, 
regions, and territories aforesaid, under pain of 
suiFering ail the penalties, forfeitures, and punish- 



^9 

ments in such case made and provided. This 
proclamation, he assured them, would at once 
exterminate the enemy from the face of the coun- 
try, and he pledged his valour as a governor, that 
within two months after it was puhhshed, not one 
stone should remain on another in any of the 
towns which they had built. 

The council remained for some time silent after 
he had finished ; whether struck dumb with admi- 
ration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to 
sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of 
the times does not mention. Suflice it to say, 
they at length gave a universal grunt of acquies- 
cence — the proclamation was immediately des- 
patched with due ceremony, having the great seal 
of the province, which was about the size of a 
buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red 
riband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his 
indignation, felt greatly relieved — adjourne i the 
council — put on his cocked hat and corduroy 
small clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned 
charger, trotted out to his country seat, which 
was situated in a sweet, secjuestered swamp, now 
called Dutch-street, but more commonly known 
by the name of Dog's Misery. 

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the 
toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, 
not from the nymph Egeria, but from the honour- 
ed wife of his bosom ; who was one of that pecu- 
liar kind of females, sent upon earth a little after 



240 HE WHO WOtTLD GOVERN MUST OBEV. 

Ihe flood, as a punishment for the sins of man- 
kind, and commonly known by the appellation of 
knoioing women. In fact, my duty as an histo- 
rian obliges me to make known a circumstance 
which was a great secret at the time, and conse- 
quently was not a subject of scandal at more than 
half the tea tables in New-Amsterdam, but which, 
hke many other great secrets, has leaked out in 
the lapse of years — and this was, that the great 
Wiihelmus the Testy, though one of the most po- 
tent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted 
at home to a species of government, neither laid 
down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook 
of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and ig 
familiarly denominated petticoat government. — 
An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly 
common in these modern days, was very rare 
among the ancients, if we may judge from the 
rout made about the domestic economy of honest 
Socrates ; which is the only ancient case on re- 
cord. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the 
sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who 
are ever ready to joke v» ith a man on sore points 
of the kind, by alleging that it was a government 
of his own election, to which he submitted through 
choice ; adding at the same time a profound max- 
im which he had found in an ancient author, that 
"he who would aspire to govern should firhl 
learn to obey,'"''' 



FAtE OF THE PROCLAMATION. 241 



CHAPTER II. 

In which are recordtd the sage projects of a ruler 
. of universal genius. The art of fighting hy 
proclamation^ — and how that the valiant Jaco- 
bus Van Curlet came to he foully dishonoured at 
fort Goed Hoop, 

Never was a more comprehensive, a more ex- 
peditious, or, what is still better, a more economi- 
cal measure devised, than this of defeating the 
Yankees by proclamation — an expedient, like- 
wise, j=o humane, so gentle and pacific, there were 
ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, — 
but then there was one chance to ten that it would 
not succeed — as the ill-natured fates would have 
it, that single chance carried the day ! The pro- 
clamation was perfect in all its parts, well con- 
structed, well written, well sealed, and well pub- 
hshed — all that v/as wanting to insure its effect 
was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it ; 
but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the 
most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseem- 
ly purpose, and thus did the first warlike procla- 
mation come to a shameful end — a fate which I 
am credibly informed has befallen but too many 
of its successors. 

21* 



242 FATE or THE PROCLAMATION". 

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kleft 
could be persuaded by the united efforts of all his 
counsellors, that his war measures had failed in 
producing any eflect. On the contrary, he flew in 
a passion whenever any one dared to question itft 
efficacy ; and swore that, though it was slow in 
operating, yet when once it began to work, it 
would soon purge the land of these rapacious in- 
truders. Time, however, that test of all experi- 
ments, both in philosophy and politics, at length 
convinced the great Kieft, that his proclamation 
was abortive ; and that notwithstanding he had 
waited nearly four years in a state of constant ir- 
ritation, yet he was still farther off than ever from 
the object of his wishes. His implacable advep- 
saries in the east became more and more trouble- 
some in their encroachments, and founded the 
thriving colony of Hartford close upon the skirts 
of fort Goed Hoop. They, moreover, commen- 
ced the fair settlement of New Haven (otherwise 
called the Red Hills,) within the domains of their 
High Mightinesses — while the onion patches of 
Pyquag were a continual eye-sore to the garrison 
of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the 
inefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many 
a worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, 
not to the medicine, but to the quantity adminis- 
tered, and resolutely resolved to double the dose* 

In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth 
year of his reign, he fulminated against them a 



A SECOND OXE ISSUED. 243 

second proclamation, of heavier metal than the 
former; written in thundering long sentences, not 
one word of which was under five syllables. This, 
in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbid- 
ding and prohibiting all commerce and connexion 
between any and every of the said Yankee intru- 
ders, and the said fortified post of fort Goed Hoop, 
and ordering, commanding, and advising, all his 
trusty, loyal, and weii-beloved subjects, to furnish 
them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sour 
crout; to buy none of their pacing horses, measlj 
pork, apple brandy, Yankee Rum, cider water, 
apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or 
wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate 
them from the face of the land. 

Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, du- 
ring which the last proclamation received the same 
attention, and experienced the same fate as the 
first — at the end of which term, the gallant Jaco- 
bus Van Curlet despatched his annual messenger, 
with his customary budget of complaints and en- 
treaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, 
intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's 
couriers, was occasioned by the systematic regu- 
larity of his movements, or by the immense dis- 
tance at which he was stationed from the seat of 
government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some 
have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, 
who, as 1 have before noticed, were chosen from 
the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least 



244 SLOWNESS OF HIS MESSENGERS. 

likely to be worn out on the road; and who, being 
pursy, short winded Httle men, generally travelled 
fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week 
to rest. All these, however, are matters of con- 
jecture; and I rather think it may be ascribed to 
the immemorial maxim of this worthy country — 
and which has ever influenced all its public trans- 
actions — not to do things in a hurry. 

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his de- 
spatches, respectfully represented, that several 
years had now elapsed since his first application 
to his late excellency, Wouter Van Twiller; du- 
ring which interval, his garrison had been reduced 
nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his most 
valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had accident- 
ally overeaten themselves on some fat salmon, 
caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, 
that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking 
no notice of the fort or its inhabitants; but squat- 
ting themselves down, and forming settlements all 
around it; so that, in a little while, he should find 
himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, 
and totally at their mercy. 

But among the most atrocious of his grievances, 
I find the following still on record, which may 
serve to show the bloody minded outrages of these 
savage intruders. " In the mean time, they of 
Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the 
lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and 
against the lawes of nations, buthave hinderedour 



243 

nation in sowing theire own purchased broken up 
lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the 
night, which the Nederlanders had broken up and 
intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants of 
the high and mighty the honored companie, which 
were labouring upon theire master's lands, from 
theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile 
manner laming, and among the rest, struck Ever 
Duckings* a hole in his head, with a stick, so that 
the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon 
his body." 

But what is still more atrocious — 
" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged 
to the honored companie, under pretence that it 
had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had 
not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the 
hogg for 55. if the commissioners would have given 
5s, for damage; which the commissioners denied, 
because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) 
can trespass upon his owne master's grounde. "t 
The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in- 
censed the whole community — there was some- 
thing in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, 
and touched the obtuse feelings even of the puis- 
sant vulgar, who generally require a kick in the 
rear to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have 

* This name is no doubt mispelt. In some old Dutch 
MSS. of the time, we find the name of Evert Duj'cking-h, 
who is unquestionably the unfortunate hero above allu- 
ded to. 

I Haz. Col. Stat. Papers. 



I 



246 DELIBERATIONS OF THE COtJNCIL. 

known mj profound fellow citizens bear without 
murmur, a thousand essential infringements of 
their rights, merely because they were not imme- 
diately obvious to their senses — but the moment 
the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the 
whole body politic was in a ferment — so the en- 
lightened Nederlanders, though they had treated 
the encroachments oftheireastern neighbours with 
but little regard, and left their quill valiant govern- 
or to bear the whole brunt of war with his single 
pen — yet now every individual felt his head bro- 
ken in the broken head of Duckings — and the un- 
happy fate of their fellow citizen the hog, being 
impressed, carried and sold into captivity, awak- 
ened a grunt of sympathy from every bo^om. 

The governor and council, goaded by the cla- 
mours of the multitude, now set themselves earn- 
estly to deliberate upon what was to be done. — 
Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary 
disrepute; some were for sending the Yankees a 
tribute, as we make peace offerings to the petty 
Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the 
devil. Others were for buying them out, but this 
was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their 
title to the land they had seized. A variety of 
measures were as usual in such cases, proposed, 
discussed and abandoned, and the council had at 
last to adopt the means, which being the most 
common and obvious, had been knowingly over- 
looked — for your amazing acute politicians are 



CAFTURE or rORT «OED HOOF. 247 

for ever looking through telescopes, which only 
enable them to see such objects as are far off, and 
unattainable, but which incapacitate them to see 
such things as are in their reach, and obvious to 
all simple folks, who are content to look with the 
naked eyes heaven has given them. The pro- 
found council, as I have said, in their pursuit af- 
ter Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the 
very measure they were in need of; which was to 
raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the 
relief and reinforcement of the garrison. This 
measure was carried into such prompt operation, 
that in less than twelve months, the whole expe- 
dition, consisting of a sergeant and twelve men, 
was ready to march ; and was reviewed for that 
purpose, in the public square, now known by the 
name of the Bowling Green. Just at this junc- 
ture the whole community was thrown into con- 
sternation, by the sudden arrival of the gallant 
Jacobus Van Curlet ; who came straggling into 
town at the head of his crew of tatterdemalions, 
and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own 
defeat, and the capture of the redoutable post of 
fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an impres- 
sive v/arning to ail military commanders. It was 
neither carried by storm nor famine •, no practica- 
ble breach was effected by cannon or mines ; no 
magazines were blown up by red hot shot, nor 
were the barracks demolished, or the garrison de- 



248 STRATAGEM OP THE YANKEES. 

stroyed, by the bursting of bombshells. In fact, 
the place was taken by a stratagem no less singu- 
lar than effectual ; and one that can never fail of 
success, whenever an opportunity occurs of put- 
ting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the 
credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it was a 
stratagem, which though it impeached the vigi- 
lance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Cur- 
let and his garrison perfectly free from reproach. 

It appears that the crafty Yankees, havingheard 
of the regular habits of the garrison, watched a 
favourable opportunity, and silently introduced 
themselves into the fort, about the middle of a 
sultry day ; when its vigilant defenders, having 
gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and 
smoked out their pipes, were one and all snoring 
most obstreperously at their posts, little dream- 
ing of so disastrous an occurrence. The enemy 
most inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet and 
his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, 
gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismiss- 
ed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as 
Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy bottom- 
ed Russians, after the battle of Narva — only ta- 
king care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a 
signal mark of distinction. 

A strong garrison was immediately established 
in the fort, consisting of twenty long sided, hard 
fisted Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck 
in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers — 



YANKEE ©ARRISON. 249 

long rusty fowling pieces for muskets — ^hasty pud- 
ding, dumb fish, pork and molasses for stores ; 
and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a 
pole, as a standard — liberty caps not having as yet 
come into fashion. 



VOL. I. 22 



250 WRATH OP GOVERNOR KIEFT. 



CHAPTER IIJ. 

Containing the fearful wrath of William the Tes- 
ty, and the great dolour of the New-Amster- 
dammers, because of the affair of fort Goed 
Hoop, — And, moreover, how William the Testy 
did strongly fortify the city, — Together with 
the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff, 

Language cannot express the prodigious fury 
into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown 
by this provoking intelhgence. For three good 
hours the rage of the httle man was too great for 
words, or rather the words were too great for him ; 
and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, 
mis-shapen, nine cornered Dutch oaths, that 
crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed 
off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing 
for three whole days — anathematizing the Yan- 
kees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for 
a set of dieven.schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist- 
zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes-kaken, kak- 
ken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, 
unfortunately for posterity, history does not make 
mention. Finally, he swore that he would have 
nothing more to do with such a squatting, bund- 
ling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin- 



DESPONDENCY PREVAILS. 2o 1 

eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider- 
watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew 
— that thejmight stay at fort Gocd Hoop and rot, 
before he would dirty his hands by attempting to 
drive them away; in proof of whichhe ordered the 
new raised troops to be iifpirched forthwith into 
winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite 
mid-summer. Governor Kieft faithfully kept his 
word, and his adversaries as faithfully kept their 
post; and thus theglorious river Connecticut, and 
all the gay valleys through which it rolls, together 
with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its 
waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yan- 
kees, by whom they are held at this very day. 

Great despondency seized upon the city of 
New-Amsterdam, in consequence of these melan- 
choly events. The name of Yankee became as 
terrible among our good ancestors as was that of 
Gaul among the ancient Romans ; and all the 
sage old women of the province used it as a 
bug-bear, Avherewith to frighten their unruly 
children into obedience. 

The eyes of all the province were now turned 
upon their governor, to know what he would do 
for the protection of the common weal, in these 
days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions 
prevailed among the reflectingpartof thecommu- 
nity, especially the old women, that these terri- 
ble warriors of Connecticut, not content with the 
conquest of fort Goed Hoop, would incontinent- 



252 VAN COKLEAR, THE TRUMPETER* 

}y march on to New- Amsterdam and take it by 
storm — and as these old ladies, through means of 
the governor's spouse, who, as has been already 
hinted, was " the better horse," had obtained 
considerable influence in public affairs, keeping 
the province under a ;^ind of petticoat govern- 
ment, it was determined that measures should be 
taken for the effective fortification of the city. 

Now ithappened that atthis time there sojourn- 
ed in New-x\msterdam one Anthony Van Corlear,* 
a jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burly 
visage, famous for his long wind and his huge 
whiskers, and who, as the story goes, could twang 
so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an 
effect upon all within hearing, as though ten thou- 
sand bag-pipes were singing right lustily i' the 
nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as 
the man of all the world most fitted to be the 
champion of New- Amsterdam, and to garrison its 
fort ; making little doubt but that his instrument 
Wuld be as effectual and offensive in war as was 
that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more classic 
horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart 
good to have seen the governor snapping his fing- 
ers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy 

* David Pietrez De Tories, in his " Reyze naer Nieiiw^- 
Nederland tender het year 1640," makes mention of one 
Corlear^ a trumpeter in fort Amsterdam, who g-ave name 
to Corlear's Hook, and who was douhtless this same 
champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker. Editor. 



WINDMILL FORTIFICATIONS. 253 

trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, 
fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the 
whole world, like a thrice valorous editor daring- 
ly insulting all the principalities and powers — 
on the other side of the Atlantic. 

Nor was he contentwith thus strongly garrison- 
ing the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to 
its strength, by furnishing it with a formidable 
battery of quaker guns — rearing a stupendous 
flag staff in the centre, which overtopped the 
whole city— -and, moreover, by building a great 
■windmill on one of the bastions.* This last, to be 
sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of 
fortification, but, as I have already observed, Wil- 
liam Ki eft was notorious for innovations and ex- 
periments, and traditions do affirm that he was 
much given to mechanical inventions — construct- 
ing patent smoke-jacks — carts th^t went before 
the horses, and especially erecting windmills, for 
which machines he had acquired a singular pre- 
dilection in his native town of Saardam. 

All these scientific vagaries of the little govern- 
or were cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, 
as proof of his universal genius — but there were 
not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who railed at 
him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, 

* De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the 
south-east bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together 
with the flag-staff, in Justus Danker's View of New-Am- 
sterdam. 

22* 



254 ILLIBERAL SLANDER ON THE GOVERNOR. 

and devoting that time to smoke-jacks and wind- 
mills which should have been occupied in the 
more important concerns of the province. Nay, 
they even went so far as to hint once or twice, 
that his head was turned by his experiments, and 
that he really thought to manage his government 
as he did his mills — by mere wind ! — such is the 
illiberality and slander to which enlightened ru- 
lers are ever subject. 

Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of 
William the Testy, to place the city in a posture 
of defence, the inhabitants continued in great 
alarm and despondency. But fortune, who seems 
always careful, in the very nick of time, to throw 
a bone for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling 
clf may be kept alive, did about this time crown 
the arms of the province with success in another 
quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of 
the forlorn Nederlanders ; otherwise there is no 
knowing to what lengths they might have gone 
in the excess of their sorrowing — '' for grief," 
says the profound historian of the seven cham- 
pions of Christendom, " is companion with de- 
spair, and despair a procurerofinfamousdeath!" 
Among the numerous inroads of the Mosstroop- 
ers of Connecticut, which, for some time past, had 
occasioned such great tribulation, I should parti- 
cularly have mentioned a settlement made on the 
eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, from 
the peculiar excellence of its shell fish, was called 



ATTACK ON OYSTER BAT. 255 

Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in 
a most sensible part, and, occasioned great agita- 
tion at New-Amsterdam. 

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to 
skilful physiologists, that the high road to the af- 
fections is through the throat; and this may be ac- 
counted for on the same principles which 1 have 
already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. 
Nor is the fact unknown to the world at large ; 
and hence do we observe, that the surest way to 
gain the hearts of the million, is ^o feed them \yell 
— and that a man is nevqr so disposed to flatter, 
to please and serve another, as when he is feeding 
at his expense ; which is one reason why your rich 
men, who give frequent dinners, have such abund- 
ance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this 
principle that our knowing leaders of parties se- 
cure the affections of their partizans, by reward- 
ing them bountifully with loaves and fishes ; and 
entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating 
them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have 
known many a man, in this same city, acquire 
considerable importance in society, and usurp a 
large share of the good will of his enlightened fel- 
low-citizens, when the only thing that could be 
said in his eulogium was, that " he gave a good 
dinner, and kept excellent wine." 

Since then the heart and the stomach are so 
nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what af- 
fects the one, must sympathetically affect the 



^5Q STOFPEL THE HEAD-BREAKER. 

other. Now it is an equally iucontrovertible fact, 
that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none 
more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, 
known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. 
And in such great reverence has it ever been held, 
by my gormandizing fellow-citizens, that temples 
have been dedicated to it, time out of mind, in 
every street, lane, and alley, throughout this well 
fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that 
the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place abounding with 
their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by 
the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam. An attack 
upon their honour they might have pardoned ; 
even the massacre of a few citizens might have 
been passed over in silence ; but an outrage that 
affected the larders of the great city of New- Am- 
sterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its cor- 
pulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass un- 
revenged. — The whole council was unanimous in 
opinion, that the intruders should be immediate- 
ly driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and 
its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly de- 
spatched for the purpose, under the command of 
one Stoffel BrinkerhotF, or Brinkerhoofd, (i, e, 
Stoffel, the head-breaker) so called because he 
was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout 
the whole extent of Nieuw-Nederlandts for his 
skill at quarter-staff, and for size, he would have 
been a match for Colbrand, the Danish champion, 
slain by Guy of Warwick. 



MEETS THE ENEMY. 257 

StofFel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words, 
but prompt actions — one of your straight going 
officers, who march directly forward, and do their 
orders without making any parade. He used no 
extraordinary speed in his movements, but trudg- 
ed steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and 
Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town of 
Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, 
which, by some unaccountable witchcraft of the 
Yankees, have been strangely transplanted to 
Long-Island, until he arrived in the neighbour- 
hood of Oyster Bay. 

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host 
of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and 
Habbakuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerub- 
babel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle, and Deter- 
mined Cock ! — at the sound of whose names the 
courageous StofFel verily believed that the whole 
parliament of Praise God Barebones had been let 
loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that 
this formidable body was composed merely of the 
" select men" of the settlement, arm.ed with no 
other weapon but their tongues, and that they had 
issued forth with no other intent than to meet him 
on the field of argument — he succeeded in putting 
them to the rout with little difficulty, and com- 
pletely broke up their settlement. Without wait- 
ing to write an account of his victory on the spot, 
and thus letting the enemy slip through his fin- 
gers, while he was securing his own laurels, as a 



258 HIS MIGHTY VICTORY. 

more experienced general would have done, the 
brave StofFel thought of nothing but completing 
his enterprise, and utterly driving the Yankees 
from the island. This hardy enterprise he per- 
formed in much the same manner as he had been 
accustomed to drive his oxen ; for as the Yankees 
fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and 
trudged steadily after (hem, and would infallibly 
have driven them into the sea, had they not beg- 
ged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute. 

The news of this achievement was a seasonable 
restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New- 
Amsterdam. To gratify them still more, the go- 
vernor resolved to astonish them with one of those 
gorgeous spectacles, known in the days of classic 
antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged 
into his memory, when a school-boy at the Hague. 
A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stof- 
fel BrinkerhofF, who made his triumphant entrance 
into town riding on a Naraganset pacer ; five pump- 
kins, which, like Roman Eagles, had served the 
enemy for standards, were carried before him — 
fifty cart loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of 
Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintals of cod- 
fish, two hogsheads of molasses, and various other 
treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute 
of the Yankees; while three notorious counterfeit- 
ers of Manhattan notes* were led captive to grace 

* This is one of those tHvial anarch ronisms, that now 
amd tUea occur in the course of this otherwise autkentic 



HIS TRIUMPHAL ENTRY, 259 

the hero's triumph. The procession was enliven- 
ed bj martial music from the trumpet of Antony 
Van Corlear the champion, accompanied by a se- 
lect band of boys and negroes, performing on the 
national instruments of rattle bones and clam 
shells. The citizens devoured the spoils in sheer 
gladness of heart — every man did honour to the 
conqueror by getting devoutly drunk on New- 
England rum — and the learned Wilhelmus Kieft 
calling to mind, in a momentary fit of enthusiasm 
and generosity, that it was customary among the 
ancients to honour their victorious generals with 
public statues, passed a gracious degree, by which 
every tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the 
head of the intrepid Stoifel on his sign ! 

history. How could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, 
when as yet Banks were unknown in this country — and 
our simple progenitors had not even dreamt of those in- 
exhaustible mines of paper opulmee. 

^ Print Dev, 



260 PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS. 



CHAPTER IV. 

Philosophical reflections on the folly of being hap- 
py in times of prosperity. — Sundry troubles on 
the southern frontiers, — How William the Testy 
had well nigh ruined the province through a 
cabalistic word, — Jls also the secret expedition 
of Jan Jans en Alpendam, and his astonishing 
reward. 

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame - 
Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regu- 
larly chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts 
of mankind, we should find that, upon the whole, 
good and evil are pretty nearly balanced in this 
world; and that though we may for a long while 
revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will 
at length come when we must ruefully pay off the 
reckoning. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, 
and withal a most inexorable creditor; for though 
she may indulge her favourites in long credits, 
and overwhelm them with her favours, yet soon- 
er or later she brings up her arrears with the ri- 
gour of an experienced publican, and washes 
out her scores with their tears. " Since," says 
good old Boetius, " no man can retain her at his 
pleasure, and since her flight is so deeply lament- 



THE ESSENCE OF WISDOM. 261 

ed, what are her favours hut sure prognostica- 
tions of approaching trouble and calamity." 

There is nothing that more moves my contempt 
at the stupidity and want of reflection of my fel- 
low men, than to behold them rejoicing, and in- 
dulging in security and self confidence, in times 
of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with 
the light of reason, those are the very moments of 
anxiety and apprehension; well knowing that ac- 
cording to the system of things, happiness is at 
best but transient — and that the higher he is ele- 
vated by the capricious breath of fortune, the low- 
er must be his proportionate depression. Where- 
as, he who is overwhelmed by calamity, has the 
less chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a 
man at the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk 
of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 

This is the very essence of true wisdom, which 
consists in knowing when we ought to be misera- 
ble ; and was discovered much about the same 
time with that invaluable secret, that "every 
thing is vanity and vexation of spirit ;" in conse- 
quence of which maxim, your wise men have 
ever been the unhappiest of the human race ; es- 
teeming it an infallible mark of genius to be dis- 
tressed without reason — since any man may be 
miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the phi- 
losopher alone who can discover cause for grief 
in the very hour of prosperity. 

VOL. I. 23 • . 



262 MINNEWITS ESTABLISHES 

According to the principle! have just advanced, 
we find that the colony of New-Netherlands, which 
under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had 
flourished in such alarming and fatal serenity, is 
now paying for its former welfare, and discharging 
the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. 
Foes harrass it from different quarters ; the city of 
New- Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept 
in constant alarm ; and its valiant commander, 
William the Testy, answers the vulgar, but ex- 
pressive idea, of "a man in a peck of troubles." 

While busily engaged repelling his bitter ene- 
mies the Yankees on one side, we find him sud- 
denly molested in another quarter, and by other 
assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the 
conduct of Peter Minnewits, and professing alle- 
giance to that redoubtable virago, Christina, queen 
of Sweden, had settled themselves and erected a 
fort on South (or Delaware) Ripver — within the 
boundaries claimed by the government of the 
New-Netherlands. History is mute as to the 
particulars of their first landing, and their real 
pretensions to the soil; and this is the more to 
be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes will 
hereafter be found most materially to affect not 
only the interests of the Nederlanders, but of the 
world at large ! 

In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond 
colony of Swedes first took possession of the coun- 
try, it is certain that in 1638 they established a 



A SWEDISH COLONY. 263 

fort, and Minnewits, according to the ojff-hand 
usage of his contemporaries, declared himself go- 
vernor of all the adjacent countr}^, under the name 
of the province of New-Sweden. No sooner did 
this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, 
than, like a true spirited chieftain, he immediately 
broke into a violent rage, and calling together his 
council, belaboured the Swedes most lustily in the 
longest speech that had ever been heard in the 
colony, since the memorable dispute of Ten 
Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus 
given verit to the first ebullitions of his indigna- 
tion, he had resort to his favourite measure of 
proclamation, and despatched one, piping hot, in 
the first year of his reign, informing Peter Minne- 
wits that the whole territory, bordering on the 
South river, had, time out of mind, been in pos- 
session of the Dutch colonists, having been " be- 
set with forts, and sealed with their blood." 

The latter sanguinary sentence would convey 
an idea of direful war and bloodshed, were we not 
relieved by the information that it merely related 
to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen 
had been killed by the. Indians, in their benevolent 
attempts to establish a colony and promote civili- 
zation. By this it will be seen that William 
Kieft, though a very small man, delighted in big 
expressions, and was much given to a praise-wor- 
thy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by 
your little great men, called hyperbole. A figure 



264 POWER OF BIG WORDS, 

which has been found of infinite service among 
many of his class, and which has helped to swell 
the grandeur of many a mighty, self-important, 
but windy chief magistrate. Nor can I resist in 
this place from observing how much my beloved 
country is indebted to this same figure of hyper- 
bole, for supporting certain of her greatest charac- 
ters — statesmen, orators, civilians, and divines ; 
who, by dint of big words, inflated periods, and 
windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of 
society, as ignorant swimmers are buoyed up by 
blown bladders. 

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded 
by ordering the self-dubbed governor, and his 
gang of Swedish adventurers, immediately to 
leave the country under penalty of the high dis- 
pleasure, and inevitable vengeance of the puissant 
government of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. This 
" strong measure," however, does not seem to 
liave had a whit more effect than its predecessors 
which h-ad been thundered against the Yankees — 
the Swedes resolutely held on to the territory they 
had taken possession of — whereupon matters for 
the present remained in statu quo. 

That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this 
insolent obstinacy in the Swedes would appear in- 
compatible with his valorous temperament ; but 
we find that about this time the little man had his 
hands full, and what with one annoyance and 
another, was kept contiivaally on the bounce. 



THE governor's HANDS FULL. 265 

There is a certain description of active legisla- 
tors, who, b J shrewd management, contrive always 
to have a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of 
which must be immediately attended to; who con- 
sequently are ever full of temporary shifts and ex- 
pedients, patching up the public welfare, and cob- 
bling the national affairs, so as to make nine holes 
where they mend one — stopping chinks and flaws 
with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yan- 
kees I have mentioned, stuffing old clothes in bro- 
ken windows. Of this class of statesmen was 
William the Testy — and had he only been blessed 
with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal been 
disciplined by a little discretion, there is very lit- 
He doubt but he would have made the greatest 
governor of his size on record — the renowned go- 
vernor of the island of Barataria alone excepted. 

The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy 
was, that though no man could be more ready to 
stand forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was 
so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that 
he suffered the enemy to break its head — in other 
words, whatever precaution for public safety he 
adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it cheap^ 
that he invariably renderedit ineffectual. All this 
was a remote consequence of his profound educa- 
tion atthe Hague — where, having acquired a smat- 
tering of knowledge, he was ever after a great 
Conner of indexes, continually dipping into books, 
without ever studying to the bottom of any sub- 
23* 



'^QQ HIS CABALISTIC WORD. 

ject ; so that he had the scum of all kinds of au- 
thors fermenting in his pericranium. In some of 
these title-page researches he unluckily stumbled 
over a grand political cabalistic word, which, with 
his customary facility, he immediately incorpo- 
rated into his great scheme of government, to the 
irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and the eternal 
misleading of all experimental rulers. 

In vain have I pored over the theurgia of the 
Chaldeans, the cabala of the Jews, the necroman- 
cy of the Arabians, the magic of the Persians, the 
hocus pocus of the English, the witchcraft of the 
Yankees, or the pow-wowing of the Indians, to 
discover where the httle man first laid eyes on 
this terrible word. Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, 
that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the pa- 
triarch Abraham; northe pages of the Zohar, con- 
taining the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by 
the learned rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield any 
light to my inquiries — Nor am I in the least benc- 
lited by my painful researches in the Shem-ham- 
phorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, though it 
enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' journey 
in twenty-four hours. Neither can 1 perceive the 
slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred 
name of four letters, the profoundest word of the 
Hebrew cabala; a mystery sublime, ineffable, and 
incommunicable— and the letters of which Jod-He- 
Vau-He, having been stolen by tiie pagans, con- 



I 



ECONOnr. 267 

stituted their great name Jao or Jove. In short, 
in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, magi- 
cal, and astrological researches, from the Tetrac- 
tjs of Pythagoras to the recondite works of Bres- 
law and Mother Bunch, I have not discovered 
the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor 
have I discovered any word of sufficient potency 
to counteract it. 

Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the 
word which had so wonderfully arrested the at- 
tention Qf WiUiam the Testy, and which in Ger- 
man characters had a particularly black and 
ominous aspect, on being fairly translated into 
the English is no other than economy — a talis- 
manic term, which, by constant use and frequent 
mention, has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, 
but which has as terrible potency as any in the- 
arcana of necromancy. 

When pronounced in a national assembly it has 
an immediate effect in closing the hearts, becloud- 
ing the intellects, drawing the purse strings, and 
buttoning the breeches pockets of all philosophic 
legislators. Nor are its eifects on the eyes less 
wonderful. It produces a contraction of the reti- 
na, an obscurity of the crystalline lens, a viscidity 
of the vitreous, and an inspissationof the aqueous 
humours, an induration of the tunica sclerotica, 
and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the 
organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, 
and the unfortunate patient becomes myopes, or 



363 ITS MIGHTY EFFECTS. 

in plain English, pur-blind ; perceiving only the 
amount of immediate expense, without being able 
to look farther, and regard it in connexion with 
the ultimate object to be effected. — " So that," 
to quote the words of the eloquent Burke, " a 
briar at his nose is of greater magnitude than an 
oak at five hundred yards distance." Such are 
its instantaneous operations, and the results are 
still more astonishing. By its magic influence 
seventy-fours shrink into frigates — frigates into 
sloops, and sloops into gun-boats. 

This all potent word, which served as his touch- 
stone in pohtics, at once explains the w^hole sys- 
tem of proclamations, protests, empty threats, 
windmills, trumpeters, and p^per war, carried on 
by Wilhelmus the Testy — and we may trace its 
operations in an armament which he fitted out in 
1642 in a moment of great wrath, consisting of 
two sloops and thirty men, under the command 
of mynher Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of 
the fleet, and commander in chief of the forces. 
This formidable expedition, which can only be pa- 
ralleled by some of the daring cruizes of our in- 
fant navy about the bay and up the sound, was in- 
tended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuyl- 
kill, of which they had recently taken possession 
— and w^hich was claimed as part of the province 
of New-Nederlandts — for it appears that at this 
time our infant colony was in that enviable state, 
«o much coveted by ambitious nations, that is to 



alpendam's expedition. 269 

say, the government had a vast extent of territo- 
ry, part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part 
of which it had continually to quarrel about. 

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of 
great mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed 
at the character of the enemy, who were repre- 
sented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who 
hved on hoe cakes and bacon, drank mint juleps 
and apple toddy, and were exceedingly expert at 
boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and a 
variety of other athletic accomplishments, which 
they had borrowed from their cousins-german and 
prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have 
ever borne considerable resemblance. Notwith- . 
standing all these alarming representations, the 
admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly 
with his fleet, and arrived without disaster or op- 
position at the place of destination. 

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech 
in Low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previ- 
ously put in his pocket; wherein he courteously- 
commenced by calling them a pack of lazy, lout- 
ing, dram-drinking, cock-fighting, horse-racing, 
slave-driving, tavern-haunting, sabbath-break- 
ing, mulatto breeding upstarts — and concluded 
by ordering them to evacuate the country imme- 
diately — to which they most laconically replied 
in plain English, "they'd see him d d first." 

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan 
Jansen Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made 



570 MIS RETURN AND FLATTERING RECEFTION. 

any calculation — and finding himself totally un- 
prepared to answer so terrible are buff with suita- 
ble hostihty, he concluded that his wisest course 
was to return home and report progress. He ac- 
cordingly sailed back to New- Amsterdam, wliere 
he was received with great honours, and consi- 
dered as a pattern for all commanders, having 
achieved a most hazardous enterprize, at a tri- 
fling expense of treasure, and without losing a 
single man to the state! — He was unanimously 
called the dehverer of his country, (an appella- 
tion liberally bestowed on all great men ;) his 
two sloops having done their duty, were laid up 
(or dry docked) in a cove now called the Albany 
basin, where they quietly rotted in the mud ; and 
to immortalize his name, they erected, by sub- 
scription, a magnificent shingle monument on the 
top of Flatten barrack hill, which lasted three 
whole years ; when it fell to pieces, and was 
feurnt for firewood. 



WISE LAW OF CHARONDAS. Z7\ 



CHAPTER V. 

How William the Testy enriched the province hy e, 
multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of 
lawyers and bum-bailiffs, And how the people 
became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy, 
under his instructions. 

Among the many wrecks and fragments of ex- 
alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream 
of time, from venerable antiquity, and have been 
carefully picked up by those humble, but indus- 
trious wights, who ply along the shores of Htera- 
ture, we find the following sage ordinance of Cha- 
rondas, the Locrian legislator. — Anxious to pre- 
serve the ancient laws of the state from the addi- 
tions and improvements of profound " country 
members," or officious candidates for popularity, 
he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law, 
should do it with a halter about his neck ; so that 
in case his proposition was rejected, they just 
hung him up — and there the matter ended. 

This salutary institution had such an effect, that 
for more than two hundred years there was only 
one trifling alteration in the criminal code — and 
the whole race of lawyers starved to death for 
want of employment. The consequence of this 



272 LAWS MULTIPLIED. 

was, that the Locrians being unprotected by an 
overwhelming load of excellent laws, and unde- 
fended by a standing army of pettifoggers and 
sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and 
were such a happy people, that they scarce make 
any figure throughout the whole Grecian history 
— for it is well known that none but your un- 
lucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any 
noise in the world. 

Well would it have been for WilUam the Tes- 
ty, had he haply in the course of his " universal 
acquirements," stumbled upon this precaution of 
the good Charondas. On the contrary, he con- 
ceived that the true policy of a legislator was to 
multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the 
persons, and the morals of the people, by sur- 
rounding them in a manner with men traps and 
spring guns, and besetting even the sweet seques- 
tered walks of private life with quickset hedges, 
so that a man could scarcely turn, without the 
risk of encountering some of these pestiferous 
protectors. Thus was he continually coining pet- 
ty laws for every petty offence that occurred, un- 
til in time they became too numerous to be re- 
membered, and remained like those of certain 
modern legislators, mere dead letters — revived 
occasionally for the purpose of individual oppres- 
sion, or to entrap ignorant offenders. 

Petty courts consequently began to appear, 
where the law was administeied with nearly as 



A GOODLY GALLOWS ERECTED. 273 

much wisdom and impartiality as in those august 
tribunals, the aldermen's and justices' courts of 
the present day. The plaintiff was generally fa- 
voured, as being a customer and bringing business 
to the shop ; the offences of the rich were dis- 
creetly winked at — for fear of hurting the feelings 
of their friends ; — but it could never be laid to 
the charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that they 
suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the dis- 
graceful rags of poverty. 

About this time may we date the first introduc- 
tion of capital punishments — a goodly gallows 
being erected on the water-side, about where 
Whitehall stairs are at present, a little to the east 
of the Batterj^ Hard by also was erected another 
gibbet of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatch- 
abie description, but on which the ingenious Wil- 
liam Kieft valued himself not a httle, being a pu- 
nishment entirely of his own invention. 

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit infe- 
rior to thatof Kaman, so renowned in Bible his- 
tory ; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that 
the culprit, instead of being suspended by the 
neck, according to venerable' custom, was hoisted 
by the waistband, and was kept for an hour to- 
gether, dangling and sprawling between heaven 
and earth — to the inlinite entertainment and 
doubtless great edification of the multitude of re- 
spectable citizens, w ho usually attend upon exhi- 
bitions of the kind. 

VOL. I 24 " 



274 A NEW PUNISHMENT. 

It is incredible how the Uttle governor chuckled 
at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars 
thus swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic 
gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasant- 
ries, and mirthful conceits to utter upon these oc- 
casions. He called them his dandle-lions — his 
wild fowl — his high flyers — his spread eagles — 
his goshawks — his scare crows, and finally his gal- 
lores-birds, which ingenious appellation, though 
originally confined to worthies who had taken the 
air in this strange manner, has since grown to be 
a cant name given to all candidatesfor legal ele- 
Vcition. This punishm^ent, moreover, if we may 
credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, 
gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or 
strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their 
multifarious breeches, and which has of late years 
been revived, and continues to be worn at the pre- 
sent day. 

Such were the admirable improvements of Wil- 
liam Kieft in criminal law — nor was his civil code 
less a matter of wonderment, and much does it 
grieve me that the limits of my work will not suf- 
fer me to expatiate on both, with the prolixity they 
deserve. Let it suffice then to say, that in a little 
while the blessings of innumerable laws became 
notoriously apparent. It was soon found neces- 
sary to have a certain class of men to expound 
and confound them— divers pettifoggers according- 
ly made their appearance, under whose protect- 



LAWYERS APPEAR. 275 

ing care the comm unity was soon set together 
by the ears. 

I would not here be thought to insinuate any 
thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or 
to its dignified members. Well am I aware, that 
we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy 
gentlemen who have embraced that honourable 
order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, nor 
the selfish cravings of renown, but through no 
other motives, but a fervent zeal for the correct 
administration of justice, and a generous and dis- 
interested devotion to the interests of their fellow 
citizens ! — Sooner would I throw this trusty pen 
into the flames, and cork up my ink bottle for ever, 
than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the 
dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens — 
on the contrary 1 allude solely to that crew of 
caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, 
have become so numerous — who infest the skirts 
of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish 
knights the honourable order of chivalry — who, 
under its auspices, commit their depredations 
on society — who thrive by quibbles, quirks, and 
chicanery, and, like vermin, swarm most where 
there is most corruption. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas- 
sions as the facility of gratification. The courts 
of law would never be so constantly crowded with 
petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not 
for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest 



276 BLEssmcs attendant 

them. These tamper with the passions of the low- 
er and more ignorant classes; who, as if poverty 
were not a suiliclent misery in itself, are always 
ready to heighten it by the l;)itterness of litigation. 
Thej^ are in law what quacks are in medicine — 
exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting 
by the cure, and retarding the cure for the pur- 
pose of augmenting the fees. Where one destroys 
the constitution, the other impoverishes the purse; 
and it may likewise be observed, that a patient, 
who has once been under the hands of a quack, is 
ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning him- 
self with infallible remedies ; and an ignorant man, 
who has once meddled with the law under the aus- 
pices of one of these empyrics, i^ for ever after 
embroiling himself with his neighbours, and im- 
poverishing himself with successful law suits. — 
My readers will excuse this digression, into which 
I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not 
avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an 
abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, 
and with the eifects of which I am unluckily ac- 
quainted to my cost; having been nearly ruined 
by a law suit, which was unjustly decided against 
me — and my ruin having been completed by ano- 
ther, which was decided in my favour. 

It has been remarked by the observant writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript, tliat under the admi- 
nistration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition ofj 
the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam experience 



)f 

i 



ON LAWS AND LAWYERS. 277 

an essential change, so that they became very 
meddlesome and factious. The constant exacer- 
bations of temper into which the little governor 
was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, 
and his unfortunate propensity to experiment and 
innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in 
a continual worry— and the council being to the 
people at large, what yest or leaven is to a batch, 
they threw the whole community into a ferment 
— and the people at large being to the city what 
the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions 
they underwent operated most disastrously upon 
New-Amsterdam — insomuch, that in certain of 
their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, 
they begat several of the most crooked, distort- 
ed, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, 
with which this metropolis is disfigured. 

But the worst of the matter was, that just about 
this time the mob, since called the sovereign peo- 
ple, like Bala-^m's ass, began to grow more enlight- 
ened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire 
of governing itself. This was another effect of the 
" universal acquirements" of William the Tes- 
ty. In some of his pestilent researches among 
the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with admi- 
ration at the institution of public tables among the 
Lacedaemonians, where they discussed topics of a 
general and interesting nature — at the schools of 
the philosophers, whei-e they engaged in profound 
disputes upon pohtics and morals — where gray 
24* 



i278 SAPIENT DISCOVERIES OP 

beards were taught the rudiments of wisdom, and 
youths learned to become little men before they 
were boys. "There is nothing," said the ingenious 
Kieft,shattingupthe book, "there is nothing more 
essential to the well management of a country, 
than education among the people ; the basis of a 
good government should be laid in the public 
mind." — Now this was true enough, but it was 
ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that 
when he thought right, he was sure to go to work 
wronji. In the present instance he could scarcely 
eat or sleep until he had set on foot brawling de- 
bating societies among the simple citizens of New- 
Amsterdam. This was the one thing wanting to 
complete his confusion. The honest Dutch bur- 
ghers, though in truth but little given to argument 
or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often 
together, fuddhng themselves with strong drink, 
beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and 
listening to the harangues of some half a dozen 
oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and — as 
is always the case where the mob is politically 
enlightened — exceedingly discontented. They 
found out, with wonderful quickness of discern- 
ment, the fearful error in which they had in- 
dulged, in fancying themselves the happiest peo- 
ple in creation — and were fortunately convinced, 
that, all circumstances to the contrary notwith- 
standing, they were a very unhappy, deluded, 
and consequently, ruined people. 



QUIDNUNC DEBATING SOCIETIES. 279 

In a short time the quidnuncs of New- Amster- 
dam formed themselves into sage juntos of politi- 
cal croakers, who daily met together to groan over 
political affairs, and make themselves miserable ; 
thronging to these unhappy assemblages with the 
same eagerness that zealots have in all ages aban- 
doned the milder and more peaceful paths of reli- 
gion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fa- 
naticism. We are naturally prone to discontent, 
and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamenta- 
tion — like lubberly monks, we belabour our own 
shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in 
the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for 
the sake of paradox ; daily experience shows the 
truth of these observations. It is almost impossi- 
ble to elevate the spirits of a man groaning under 
ideal calamities ; but nothing is more easy than 
to render him wretched, though on the pinnacle 
of felicity, as it is an Herculean task to hoist a 
man to the top of a steeple, though the merest 
child can topple him off thence. 

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the rea- 
der will at once perceive the faint germs of those 
sapientconvocationscalledpopular meetings,pre- 
valent atourday. Thitherresorted all those idlers 
and "squires of low degree," who, like rags, hang 
loose upon the back of society, and are ready to 
be blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cob- 
blers abandoned their stalls, and hastened thither 
to give lessons on political economy — blacksmiths 



280 WISDOM OF GETTING DRUNK. 

left their handicraft and suffered their own fires 
to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred 
up the fire of faction ; and even tailors, thoufgh 
but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts of hu- 
manity, neglected their own measures, to attend 
to the measures of government. — Nothing was 
wanting but half a dozen newspapers and patri- 
otic editors, to have completed this public illumi- 
nation, and to have thrown the whole province 
in an uproar ! 

I should not forget to mention, that these popu- 
lar meetings were held at a noted tavern ; for 
houses of that description have always been found 
the most fostering nurseries of politics ; abound- 
ing with those genial streams which give strength 
and sustenence to faction. — We are told that the 
ancient Germans had an admirable mode of treat- 
ing any question of importance ; they first deli- 
berated upon it when drunk, and afterwards re- 
considered it, when sober. The shrewder mobs 
of America, who dislike having two minds upon 
a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk; 
by which means a world of cold and tedious spe- 
culations is dispensed with — and as it is univer- 
sally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees 
double, it follows most conclusively that he sees 
twice as well as his sober neighbours. 



LAW TO PROHIBIT SMOKING. 281 



CHAPTER VI. 

Of the great pipe plot— and of the dolorous per- 
plexities into which JVilliam the Testy was 
tlirown, hy reason of his having enlightened the 
multitude, 

WiLHELMus KiEFT, as has already been made 
manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. 
He was of an active, or rather a busy mind; that is 
to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, 
which make up by bustle and constant motion for 
the want of great scope and power. He had, when 
quite a younghng, been impressed w^th the advice 
of Solomon, "go to the ant thou sluggard, consider 
her ways and be wise," in conformity to which, he 
had ever been of a restless, ant-like turn, worrying 
hither and thither, b usying himself abo ut Uttle mat- 
ters, with an air of great importance and anxiety — 
laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling 
and puffing at a grain of mustard seed, under thc^ 
full conviction that he was moving a mountain. 

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one 
of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deli- 
beration, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit 
the universal practice of smoking. This he pro- 
ved, by mathematical demonstration, to be, not 



282 CONSEQUENT TUMULT. 

merely a heavy tax on the pubhc pocket, bat an 
incredible consumer of time, a great encourager 
of idleness, and, of course, a deadly bane to the 
prosperity and morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft ! 
had he lived in this enlightened and libel-loving 
age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable li- 
berty of the press, he could not have struck more 
closely on the sensibihties of the milhon. 

The popuiacewere in as violent a turmoil as the 
constitutional gravity of their deportment would 
permit — a mob of factious citizens had even the 
hardihood to assemble before the governor'shouse, 
where, setting themselves resolutely down, like a 
besieging army before a fortress, they one and all 
fell to smoking with a determined perseverance, 
that seemed as though it were their intention to 
smoke him into terms. The testy William issued 
out of his mansion like a wrathful spider, and de- 
manded to know the cause of this seditious as- 
semblage, and this lawless fumigation ; to which 
these sturdy rioters made no other reply, than to 
loll back phlegmatically in their seats, and puff 
away with redoubled fury ; whereby they raised 
such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain 
to take refuge in the interior of his castle. 

The governor immediately perceived the object 
of this unusual tumult, and that it would be im- 
possible to suppress a practice, which, by long in- 
dulgence, had become a second nature. And here 
1 would observe, partly to explain why I have so 



OFFICE OF A NEDERLANDER's PlfE. 283 

often made mention of this practice in myhistorj, 
that it was inseparably connected with all the af- 
fairs, both public and private, of our revered an- 
cestors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the 
mouth of the true-born Nederlander. It was his 
companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gay- 
er hours, his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his 
pride ; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe 
through his pipe. 

When William the Testy bethought himself of 
all these matters, which he certainly did, although 
a little too late, he came to a compromise with the 
besieging multitude. The result was, that though 
he contined to permit the custom of smoking, yet 
did he abolish the fair long pipes which were used 
in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting 
ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment; 
and, in place thereof, did introduce httle, cap- 
tious, short pipes, two inches in length ; which, 
he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the 
mouth, or twisted in the hat band, and would not 
be in the way of business. By this the multitude 
seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to 
their habitations. Thus ended this alarming in- 
surrection, which was long known by the name 
of the pipe plot, and which, it has been somewhat 
quaintly observed, did end, like most other plots, 
seditions, and conspiracies, in mere smoke. 

But mark. Oh reader! the deplorable conse- 
quences that did afterwards result. The smoke 



284 LONG PIPES, SHORT PIPES, AND QUIDS. 

of these villanous little pipes, continually ascend- 
ing in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into, 
and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the 
kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the 
people that used them as vapourish and testy ai 
their renowned little governor — nay, what is 
more, from a goodly, burly race of folk, they be- 
came, like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke 
short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, lea- 
thern-hided race of men. 

Nor was this all, for front hence may we date 
the rise of parties in thisprovince. Certain of the 
more wealthy and important burghers adhering to 
the ancient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, 
which went by the appellation of the Long Pipes, 
wdiile the lower orders, submitting to the inno- 
vation, which they found to be more conve- 
nient in their handicraft employments, and to 
leave them more liberty of action, were braiid- 
ed with the plebian name of Short Pipes, A 
third party likewise sprang up, differing from 
both the other, headed by the descendants of the 
famous Robert Chewit, the com.panion of the 
great Hudson. These entirely discarded the use 
of pipes, and took to chewing tobacco, and hence 
they w^ere called Quids, It is worthy of notice, 
that this last appellation has since come to be in- 
variably applied to those mongrel or third par- 
ties, that will sometimes spring up between two 
great contending parties, as a mule is produced 
between a horse and an ass. 



RISE AND PROGRESS OF PARTIES. 285 

And here I would remark the great benefit of 
these party distinctions, by which the people at 
large are saved the vast trouble of thinking. Hc- 
siod divides mankind into three classes, those who 
think for themselves, those who let others think 
for them, and those who will neither do one nor 
the other. The second class, however, compri- 
ses the great mass of society, and hence is the ori- 
gin of party ^ by which is meant a large body of 
people, some few of whom think, and all the rest 
talk. The former, who are called the leaders, mar- 
shal out and discipline the latter, teaching them 
what they must approve — what they must hoot 
at — what they must say — whom they must sup- 
port — but, above all, whom they must hate^ — for 
no man can be a right good partizan, unless he 
be a determined and thorough-going hater. 

But when the sovereign people are thus proper- 
ly broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and rein- 
ed, it is delectable to see with what docility and 
harmony they jog onward, through mud and mire, 
at the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt carts 
of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic 
member of congress have I seen, who would never 
have known how to make up his mind on any 
question, and might have ru«j a great risk of vo- 
ting right b^-mcre accident, had he not had others 
to think for him, and a file leader to vote after. 

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the 
Manlmttoes. being divided into parties, were ena- 

VOL. I. 25 



286 CAVILS AGAINST THE GOVERNOR. 

bled to organize dissension, and to oppose and hate 
one another more accurately. And now the great 
business of politics went bravely on ; the parties 
assembhng in separate beer houses, and snnoking 
at each other with implacable animosity, to the 
great support of the state, and emolument of the 
tavernkeepers. Some, indeed, who were more zea- 
lous than the rest, went farther, and began to be- 
spatter one another with numerous very hard 
names and scandalous little words, to be found in 
the Dutch language; every partizan believing re- 
ligiously that he was serving his country, when he 
traduced the character, or impoverished the pock- 
et of a political adversary. But, however they 
might differ between themselves, all parties 
agreed on one point, to cavil at and condemn 
every measure of government whether right or 
wrong; for as the governor was by his station in- 
dependent of their power, and was not elected by 
their choice, and as he had not decided in favour 
of either faction, neither of them was interested 
in his success, nor in the prosperity of the coun- 
try, while under his administration. 

'• Unhappy William Kieft!'' exclaims the sage 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript — "doomed to 
contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, 
and to reign over a people too v/ise to be govern- 
ed. !" Ali his expeditions against his enemies were 
baffled and set at naught, and all his measures for 
the public safety were cavilled at by the people. 



HIS CONDUCT. 287 

Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops 
for internal defence — V\e mob, that is to say,1,hose 
vagabond members of the community who have 
nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, voci- 
ferated that their interests were in danger — that a 
standing army was a legion of moths, preying on 
the pockets of society; a rod of iron in the hands 
of government; and that a government with a mi- 
litary force at its command would inevitably swell 
into a despotism. Did he, as was but too com- 
monly the case, defer preparation until the mo^ 
ment of emergency, and then hastily collect a 
handful of undisciplined vagrants — the measure 
was hooted at as feeble and inadequate, as tri- 
fling with the public dignity and safety, and as 
lavishing the public funds on impotent enter- 
prises. — Did he resort to the economic measure 
of proclamation — he was laughed at by the Yan- 
kees; did he back it by nonintercourse — it was 
evaded and counteracted by his own subjects. 
Which ever way he turned himself he was be- 
leaguered and distracted by petitions of " nume- 
rous and respectable meetings," consisting of some 
half a dozen brawling pot-house poHticians — all 
of which he read, and, what is worse, all of which 
he attended to. The consequence was, that by 
incessantly changing his measures, he gave none 
of them a fair trial ; and by listening to the cla- 
mours of the mob, and endeavouring to do every 
thing, he, in sober truth, did nothing. 



288 HIS WARM TEMPERAMENT. 

1 would not have it supposed, however, that he 
tooli^U these memorials r^^ul interferences good 
nataredly, for such an idea would do injustice to 
his valiant spirit; on the contrary, he never re- 
ceived a piece of advice in the whole course of 
his life, without tirst getting into a passion with 
the giver. But 1 have ever observed that your 
passionate little men, like small boats wdth 4arge 
sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their 
course ; and this is demonstrated by Governor 
^ieft, who, though in temperament as hot as an old 
radish, and wilh amind,the territory of which was 
subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, 
yet never failed to be carried away by the last 
piece of advice that w^as blown into his ear. 
Lucky was it for him that his power was not de- 
pendent upon the greasy multitude, and that as 
yet the populace did not possess the important 
privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. 
They, however, did their best to help along pub- 
lic affairs : pestering their governor incessantly, 
by goading him on with harangues and petitions, 
and then thwarting his fiery spirit with reproaches 
and memorials, like Sunday jockies managing ai 
unlucky devil of a hack horse — so that Wilhel- 
mus Kieft may be said to have been kept either 
on a worry or a hand gallop throughout the 
whole of his administration. 



IRRUPTIONS OF THE YANKEES, 289 



CHAPTER VII. 

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border wars, 
and the flagrant outrages of the Moss troopers 
of Connecticut — zvith the rise of the great Am- 
phyctionic council of the east, and the decline of 
William the Testy, 

It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, 
who were intimately acquainted with these mat- 
ters, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two 
huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other 
with misfortunes — and it verily seems as if the lat- 
ter had been completely overturned, and left to 
deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts. Among the many internal and external 
causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions of the 
Yankees upon his frontiers were continually add- 
ing fuel to the inflammable temper of Wilham the 
Testy. Numerous accounts of these molestations 
may still be found among the records of the times ; 
for the commanders on the frontiers were espe- 
cially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, 
by striving who should send home the most fre- 
quent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as 
your faithful servant is eternally running v/ith 
complaints to the parlour, of the petty squabbles 
and misdemeanours of the kitchen. 
25* 



290 THEIR OUTRAGES. 

Far be it from me to insinuate, however, tliat 
our worthy ancestors indalged in groundless 
alarms ; on the contrary, they were daily suffering 
a repetition of cruel wrongs,* not one of which but 
was a sufficient reason, according to the maxims 
of national dignity and honour, for throwing the 
whole universe into hostility and confusion. 

Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every 
one of these outrages throw the philosophic Wil- 
liam I letter after letter, protest after protest, pro- 

- * From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on 
record, 1 select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my 
readers to judge if our ancestors were not justifiable in 
getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion. 

24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hog^ 
out of the vlact or common, and shut it up out of meer 
hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in 
the stye ! 

26 July. The foremencioned Eriglish did again drive 
the Companie's hog'gs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into 
Hartford ; contending daily with reproaches, blows, beat- 
ing the people with all disgrace that they could imagine. 

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently 
cut loose a horse of the honoured Companies', that stood 
bound upon the common or vlact. 

May 9, 1643. The Companies' horses pastured upon 
the Companies' ground, were driven away by them of 
Connecticott or Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beat- 
en with hatchets and sticks. 

16. Again tliey sold a young hogg belonging to the 
Companie which piggs had pastured on the Companies' 
iawd.— i/az. CoL State Pap. 



PERILS OF AN AUTHOR. 291 

clamation after proclamation, bad Latin, worse 
English, and hideous Low Dutch, were exhausted 
in vain upon the inexorable Yankees, and the 
four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet, which, 
excepting his champion the sturdy trumpeter Van 
Corlear, composed the only standing army he had 
at his command, were never off duty throughout 
the whole of his administration. Nor was Anto- 
ny, the trumpeter, a whit behind his patro;i in 
fiery zeal ; but like a faithful champion of the 
public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article 
of news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from 
the ramparts, with most disastrous notes, throw- 
ing the people into violent alarms, and disturbing 
their rest at all times and seasons — which caused 
him to be held in very great regard, the public 
pampering and rewarding him, as we do brawling 
editors, for similar services. 

I am well aware of the perils that environ me in 
this part of my history. While raking with cu- 
rious hands but pious heart, amongthe mouldering 
remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom 
the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat like 
that valiant, worthy, Samson, who in meddling 
with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of 
bees about his ears. Thus while narrating the 
many misdeeds of the Yanokie, or Yankee tribe, 
it is ten chances to one but I oifend the morbid 
sensibilities of certain of their unreasonable de- 
scendants, who may fly out and raise such a buz- 



292 HIS RESOLUTE DETERMIXATIOX. 

zing about this unlucky head of mine, that I shall 
need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando 
Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 

Should suchbe the case, I should deeply and sin- 
cerely lament — not my misfortune in giving of- 
fence — but the wrong-headed perverseness of an 
ill-natured generation, in taking offence at any 
thing I say. That their ancestors did use my an- 
cestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I 
would, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; 
but as I am recording the sacred events of history, 
I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, 
though I were sure the Avhole edition of my work 
should be bought up and burnt by the common 
hangman of Connecticut. And in sooth, now that 
these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will 
make bold to go farther and observe, that this is 
one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
historians are sent into the world — to redress 
wrongs and renderjustice on the heads of the guilty. 
So that, though a powerful nation may wrong its 
neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner 
or later an historian springs up, who wreaks am- 
ple chastisement on it in return. 

Thus these moss troopers of the east, little 
thought, I'll warrant it, while they were harassing 
the inoffensive province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, 
and driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, 
that an historian should ever arise and give them 
their own with interest. Since then I am but per- 



FORMIDABLE CONFEDERATION. 293 

forming my bounden duty as an historian, in aven- 
ging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall 
make no further apology ; and indeed, when it is 
considered that I have all these ancient borderers 
of the east in my power, and at the mercy of my 
pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct 
myself with great humanity and moderation. 

To resume then the course of my history — Ap- 
pearances to the eastward began now to assume 
a more formidable aspect than ever — for I would 
have you note that hitherto the province had been 
chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the 
people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford; 
which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, 
was the strong hold of these sturdy moss troopers, 
from whence they sallied forth, on their daring 
incursions, carrying terror and devastation into 
the barns, the hen-roosts, and pig-styes of our re- 
vered ancestors. 

Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the 
east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachu- 
setts, Connecticut, New-Plymouth, and New-Ha- 
ven, gathered togetlier into a mighty conclave, 
and after buzzing and debating for many days, 
like a political hive of bees in swarming time, at 
length settled themselves into a formidable con- 
federation, under the title of the United Cplonies 
of New-England. By this union they pledged 
themselves to stand by one another in all perils 
and assaults, and to co-operate in all measures,. 



294 ALARM OF GOVERNOR KIEFT. 

oiFensive and defensive, against the surrounding 
savages, among which were doubtlessly included 
our honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes ; and 
to give more strength and system to this confede- 
ration, a general assembly or grand council was 
to be annually held, composed of representatives 
from each of the provinces. 

On receiving accounts of this combination, 
Wilhelmus Kieft was struck with consternation, 
and, for the first time in his whole life, forgot to 
bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelli- 
gence — which a venerable historian of the times 
observes, was especially noticed among the poli- 
ticians of New- Amsterdam. The truth was, on 
turning over in his mind all that he had read at 
the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he 
found that this was an exact imitation of the Am- 
phyctionic council, by which the states of Greece 
were enabled to attain to such power and supre- 
macy, and the very idea made his heart to quake 
for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of 
this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders 
out of their fair domains; and always flew into a 
great rage if any one presumed to doubt the pro- 
bability of his conjecture. Nor was he wholly 
unwarranted in such a suspicion ; for at the 
very first annual meeting of the grand council, 
held at Boston (which governor Kieft denomina- 
ted the Delphos of this truly classic league,) strong 



HIS LAST LETTER. 295 

representations were made against the Neder- 
landcrs, forasmuch as that in their deahngs with 
the Indians, they carried on a traffick in " guns, 
powther, and shott — a trade damnable and inju- 
rious to the colonists."* Not but what certain 
of the Connecticut traders did hkewise dabble a 
httleinthis " dam able traffick" — but then they 
always sold the Indians such scurvy guns, that 
they burst at the first discharge — and consequent- 
ly hurt no one but these pagan savages. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death 
blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from 
that day forward, it was remarked by many, he 
never held up his head, but appeared quite crest 
fallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords 
but scanty food for the historic pen — we find the 
grand council continually augmenting in power, 
and threatening to overwhelm the province of 
Nieuw-Nederlatidts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept 
constantly fulminatingproclamations andprotests, 
like a shrewd sea captain firing ofFcarronadesand 
swivels, in order to break and disperse a water 
spout — but alas ! they had no more effect than if 
they had been so many blank cartridges. 

The last document on record of this learned, 
philosophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long 
letter to the council of the Amphyctions, wherein, 
m the bitterness of his heart, he rails at the peo- 

* Haz. Col. S. Papers. 



296 MYSTERIOUS EXIT OP 

pie of New-Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncour- 
teous contemptof his protest, levelled at them for 
squatting within the province of their High Mighti- 
nesses. From this letter, which is a model of epis- 
tolary writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms 
and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me 
to extract the following recondite passage :* — 
" Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New- 
Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare 
Esop's wo!fe complayninge of the lamb, or the 
admonition of the you nge man, who cryed out to his 
mother,chidcingwithherneighboures, 'Oh Mother 
revile her, lestshefirsttake up that practice against 
you.' But being taught by precedent passages, 
we received such an answer to our protest from 
the inhabitants of New-Haven as we expected ; 
the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle Fly ^ yet not- 
withstanding we doe undauntedly continue on our 
p rpose of pursuing our own right, by just arms 
and righteous means, and doe hope without scru- 
ple to execute the express commands of our su- 
periors." To show that this last sentence was 
not a mere empty menace, he conclued his let- 
ter, by intrepidly protesting against the whole 
council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers, 
inasmuch as they held their meeting at New-Ha- 
ven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being 
within the province of the New-Netherlands. 

* Vide Haz. Col. Slate Papers. 



WILLIAM THE TESTV. 297 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the 
reign of WiUiam the Testy — for henceforth, in 
the troubles, the perplexities and the confusion of 
the times, he seems to have been totally overlook- 
ed and to have slipped for ever through the finger^ 
of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or 
other which I cannot divine, there appears to have 
been a combination among historians to sink his 
very name into oblivion, in consequence of which 
they have one and all forborne even to speak of 
his exploits. This shows how important it is for 
great men to cultivate the favour of the learned, 
if they are ambitious of honour and renown. 
" Insult not the dervise," said a wise caliph to 
his son, " lest thou offend thine historian," and 
many a mighty man of the olden time, had he 
observed so obvious a maxim, might have escaped 
divers cruel wipes of the pen, which have been 
drawn across his character. 

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, 
that such darkness and obscurity should hang over 
the latter days of the illustrious Kieft — for he was 
a mighty and great little ^an, worthy of being 
utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first po- 
tentate that introduced into this land the art of 
figliting byproclamation, and defending a country 
by trumpeters and windmills— an economic and 
humane mode of warfare, since revived with great 
applause, and which promises, if it can ever be 
carried into full effect, to save great trouble and 



298 TALES RESPECTIXG 

treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than 
either the discovery of gunpowder, or the inven- 
tion of torpedoes. 

It is true, that certain of the early provincial 
*|poets, of whom there were great numbers in the 
Nieuw-Nederlandts taking, advantage of the mys- 
terious exit of William the Testy, have fabled, 
that like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, 
and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on 
the left claw of the crab; while others equally fan- 
ciful, declare that he had experienced a fate simi- 
lar to that of the good king Arthur ; who, we are 
assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the 
delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still ex- 
ists, in pristine worth and vigour, and will one day 
or another return to restore the gallantry, the ho- 
nour, and the immaculate probity, which prevail- 
ed in the glorious days of the Round Table.* 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, 
the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the 
poets, to which 1 would not have my judicious rea- 
der attach any credibihty. Neither am I disposed 

* The old Welsh bards believed that king Arthur was 
not dead, but carried awaie by the faries into some plea- 
sent place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then 
returne ag-aine and reigne in as great authority as ever. 

HOLLINGSHED. 

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and con- 
quere all Britaigne, for certes, this is the prophicye of 
Merlyn— He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and 
said sotli, for men thereof yet have doubte and shuUen for 
ever more—tor men wyt not whether that he Ivveth or is 



HIS DEATH. " 299 

to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient 
and rather apocryphal historian, who alleges that 
the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the 
blov/ing down of one of his windmills — nor to^ 
that of a writer of later times, who affirms that 
he fell a victim to a philosophical experiment, 
which he had for many years been vainly striving 
to accompHsh ; having the misfortune to break his 
neck from the garret window of the stadt house, 
in an ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by 
sprinkhng fresh salt upon their tails. 

The most probable account, and to which I am 
inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in 
a very obscure tradition, whichdeclares, that w^hat 
with the constant troubles on his frontiers — the in- 
cessant schemings and projects going on in his 
own pericranium — the memorials, petitions, re- 
monstrances, and sage pieces of advice from di- 
vers respectable meetings of the sovereign people 
— together with the refractory disposition of his 
council, who were sure to differ from him on 
every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong — 
all these, I say, did eternally operate to keep his 
mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length 
became as completely burnt out as a Dutch fami- 
ly pipe which has passed through three genera- 
tions of hard smokers. In this manner did the 
choleric but magnanimous Wilham the Testy 



300 FINALLY SNUFFED OUT. 

undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming 
away like a farthing rush light — so that when 
grim death finally snuffed him out, there was 
scarce left enough of him to bury ! 



END OP VOL. I. 



HISTORY 



N E W-Y O E K 



^ \i 

A 

HISTORY 

OF 

NEW YORK, 

FROM THE 

BEGINNING OF THE WORLD 

TO THE 

END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. ^ 

CONTAINING, 

AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 

THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 

THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 

AND THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER 

THE HEADSTRONG. 
THE THREE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF NEW AMSTERDAM : 

Beiyig Ihe only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath hem 
•published. 

IN TWO VOLUMES. 
FOURTH AMERICAJV EDITION. 



BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER, 



VOL. II. 



De twarljeiD me in imistec tag, 
Oie komt met felaaiiijeiii aan uen tjaij* 

^EW-YORK: 

Printed by C. S. Van Winkle, 
No. 2 Thames-street* 



Southern District of Kew-'^orJcy ss. 

BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the twenty-first day of Novem- 
ber, in the torty-eighth year of the Independence of the United States 
of America, C S. Van Winkle, of the said District, hath deposited in 
this otfice the title of a b 'ok, the right whereof he claims as Pro- 
prietor, in the words following, to wit : 

" A History of New-York, from the beginning of the world to tlie 
end of the Dutch Dynasty. Containing, among many surprising and 
curious matters, the Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, 
the Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivalric 
Achievements of Peter the Headstrong. The three Dutch Governors 
of New- Amsterdam Being the only Authentic History of the Times 
that ever hath been published. In Two Volumes. Fourth American 
£dition. By Diedrich Knickerbocker. 

De waarheid die in duister lag, 

Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag" 

In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, en- 
titled, " An Act for the encouragement of Learning by securing the 
copies of Maps Charts and Books, to the Authors and Proprietors of 
such copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to an 
Act entitled '< An Act supplementary to an act entitled An Act 
for the encouragement of Learning by securing the copies of Maps, 
Charts and Books to the Authors and Proprietors of such copies 
during the times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits there- 
of to the arts of designing, engraving and etching historical and 
other prints." 

JAMES DILL, 

Clerk of the Southern District of New- York. 



CONTENTS 



VOL. 11. 



BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETEK 
STUTVESANT AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC- 
TIONIC COUNCIL. 

Chap. I. — In which the death of a great man is shown 
to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow — and how 
Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the un- 
common strength of his head Page 9 

Chap. II. — Showing' how Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
himself among the rats and the cobwebs on entering 
into office ; and the perilous mistake he was guilty of, 
in his dealings with the Amphyctions . . . . 19 

Chap. III. — Containing divers speculations on war and 
negotiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a great 
national evil 27 

Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by 
his adversaries the Moss-troopers — and his conduct 
thereupon 35 

Chap. V — How the New- Amsterdammers became great 
in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty 
army — together with Peter Stuyvesant's measures to 
fortify the city — and how he was the original founder 
of the battery 48 



10 LOSS OF GREAT MEN LITTLE PELT. 

excite the empty plaudits of the miUion, it is cer- 
tain that the greatest among us do actually fill 
but an exceeding small space in the world ; and 
it is equally certain, that even that small space 
is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. 
" Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, " that 
individuals appear, or make their exit? the world 
is a theatre whose scenes and actors are continu- 
ally changing." Never did philosopher speak 
more correctly, and I only wonder that so wise 
a remark could have existed so many ages, and 
mankind not Imve laid it more to heart. Sage 
follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero 
just steps out of his triumphal car to make way 
for the hero who comes after him; and of the 
proudest monarch it is merely said, that — " he 
slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned 
in his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares hut 
little for their loss, an4 if left to itself would soon 
forget to grieve ; and though a nation has often 
been figuratively drowned in tears on the death 
of a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if 
an individual tear has been shed on the occa- 
sion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some 
hungry author. It is the historian, the biogra- 
pher, and the poet, who have the whole burden 
of grief to sustain ; who — kind souls ! — like un- 
dertakers in England, act the part of chief 



kieft's £xit occasioned no prodigies. II 

mourners — who inflate a nation with sighs it 
never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never 
dreamt of shedding. Thus, while the patriotic 
author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank 
verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops 
of public sorrow into his volume, as into a la- 
chrymal vase, it is more than probable his fel- 
low citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling 
and dancing, as utterly^ ignorant of the bitter 
lamentations made in their name, as are those 
men of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of 
the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleas- 
ed on divers occasions to become sureties. 

The most glorious and praise-worthy hero 
that ever desolated nations, might have mould- 
ered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own 
monument, did not some historian take him into 
favour, and benevolently transmit his name to 
posterity — and much as the valiant William 
Kieft worried, and bustled, and turmoiled, while 
he had the destinies of a whole colony in his 
hand, I question seriously, whether he will not 
be obliged to this authentic history for all his 
future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city 
of New- Amsterdam, or its vicinity : the earth 
trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from 
their spheres — the heavens were not shrouded 
in black, as poets would fain persuade us they 



12 PETER STUYVESANT SUCCEEDS HIM* 

have been on the unfortunate death of a hero — 
the rocks (hard hearted varlets !) melted not 
into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads in 
silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he laid abed 
the next night, just as long, and showed as jolly 
a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same 
day of the month in any year, either before or 
since* The good people of New-Amsterdam, 
one and all, declared that he had been a very 
busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was 
" the father of his country" — that he was " the 
noblest work of God" — that " he was a man, 
take him for all in all, they ne'er should look 
upon his like again" — together with sundry other 
civil and affectionate speeches that are regu- 
larly said on the death of all great men ; after 
which they smoked their pipes, thought no more 
about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to 
his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the 
best of our ancient Dutch governors. Wouter 
having surpassed all who preceded him, and 
Peter or Fict, as he was sociably called by the 
old Dutch buighers, who were ever prone to 
familiarize names, having never been equalled 
by any successor. He was in fact the very man 
fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate for- 
1 lines of her beloved province, had not the fates, 



filS PERSOIT. 13 

those most potent, and unrelenting of all an- 
cient spinsters, destined them to inextricable 
confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero would be 
doing him great injustice — he was in truth a 
combination of heroes — for he was of a sturdy, 
rawbone make like Ajax Telamon, with a pair 
of round shoulders that Hercules would have 
given his hide for, (meaning his lion's hide) when 
he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He 
was, moreover,' as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, 
not only terrible for the force of his arm, but 
likewise of his voice, which sounded as though 
it came out of a barrel ; and' Hke the self-same 
warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for 
the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which 
was enough of itself to make the very bowels of 
his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. 
All this martial excellency of appearance was 
inexpressibly heightened by an accidental ad- 
vantage, with which I am surprised that neither 
Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their he- 
roes.v This was nothing less than a wooden leg, 
which was the only prize he had gained, in 
bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of 
which he was so proud, that he was often heard 
to declare he valued it more than all his other 
limbs put together ; indeed so highly did he es- 
teem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and 



^4 HIS SILVER LEh. 

relieved with silver devices, which caused it t# 
be related in divers histories and legends that he 
wore a silver leg.* 

Like that choleric warrior, Achilles, he was 
somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, 
which were oft-times rather unpleasant to his fa- 
vourites and attendants, whose perceptions he 
was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illus- 
trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing 
their shoulders with his walking staff. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plata, 
or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon 
Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes 
manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his mea- 
sures, that one would hardly expect from a man, 
who did not know Greek, and had never studied 
the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with 
sorrow, that he had an unreasonable aversion to 
experiments, and was fond of governing his pro- 
vince after the simplest manner — but then he 
contrived to keep it in better order than did the 
erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers 
ancient and modern to assist and perplex liim. 
I must likewise OAvn that he made but very few 
laws, but then again he took care that those few 
were rigidly and impartially enforced — and I do 
Qot know but justice on the whole was as well 

■^ See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Bioaie. 



HIS CHARACTER. 1,5 

administered as if there had been volumes of 
sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily 
neglected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his pre- 
decessors, being neither tranquil and inert, like 
Walter the Doubter, Dor restless and fidgetting, 
like William the Testy ; but a man, or rather a 
governor, of such uncommon activity and deci- 
sion of mind that he never sought or accepted 
the advice of others ; depending confidently up- 
on his single head, as did the heroes of yore upon 
their single arms, to work his way through all 
difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth, 
he wanted no other requisite for a perfect states- 
man, than to think always right, for no one can 
deny that he always acted as he thought ; and if 
he wanted in correctness, he made up for it in 
perseverance — An excellent quality ! since it is 
surely more dignified for a ruler to be persever- 
ing and consistent in error, than wavering and 
contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is 
right. This much is certain, and it is a maxim 
worthy the attention of all legislators, both great 
and small, who stand shaking in the wind, with- 
out knowing which way to steer — a ruler who 
acts according to his own will is sure of pleas- 
ing himself, while he who seeks to satisfy the 
wishes and whims of others, runs a great risk of 
pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, 



16 SURNAMED " THE HEADSTRONG.'' 

and points steadfastly in one direction, is certain 
of being right twice in the four-and-twenty hours 
— while others may keep going continually, and 
continually be going wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the 
discernme'nt of the good people of Nieuw-Neder- 
landts ; on the contrary, so high an opinion had 
they of the independent mind and vigorous in- 
tellects of their new governor, that they uni- 
versally called him Hard-koppig Piet, or Peter 
the Headstrong — a great compliment to his un- 
derstanding ! 

If from all that I have said thou dost not ga- 
ther, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was 
a tough, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettle- 
some, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, ge- 
nerous spirited old governor, either I have writ- 
ten to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at 
drawing conclusions. • 

This most excellent governor, whose charac- 
ter I have thus attempted feebly to delineate, 
commenced his administration on the 291h of 
May, 1647; a remarkably stormy day, distin- 
guished in all the almanacks of the time which 
have come down to us, by the name of Windy 
Friday, As he was very jealous of his personal 
and official dignity, he was inaugurated into office 
with great ceremony ; the goodly oaken chair of 
the renowned Wouter V?n Twiller being care- 



DISASTROUS OMENS, 17 

fully preserved for such occasions, in like manner 
as the chair and stone were reverentially preser- 
ved at Schone, in Scotland, for the coronation of 
the Caledonian monarchs. 

I must not omit to mention, that the tempes- 
tuous state of the elements, together vs^ith its 
being that unlucky day of the week, termed 
"hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave 
speculation and divers very reasonable apprehen- 
sions among the more ancient and enlightened 
inhabitants ; and several of the sager sex, who 
were reputed to be not a little skilled in the 
mysteries of astrology and fortune telling, did 
declare outright, that they were omens of a dis- 
astrous administration — an event that came to 
be lamentably verified, and which proves, be- 
yond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those 
preternatural intimations, furnished by dreams 
and visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, 
and cackling of geese, on which the sages and 
rulers of ancient times placed such reliance — or 
to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, 
bowlings of dogs, and flarii^gs of candles, care- 
fully noted and interpreted by the oracular 
sybils of our day ; who, in my humble opinion, 
are the legitimate inheritors and preservers of 
the ancient science of divination. This much is 
certain, that governor Stuyvesant succeeded to 
the chair of state at a turbulent period 5 when 



18 PERILS OF THE STATE. 

foes thronged and threatened from without : whea 
anarchy and stiff necked opposition reigned ram- 
pant within ; when the authority of their High 
Mightinesses the Lords States General, though 
founded on the broad Dutch bottom of unoffend- 
ing imbecihty ; though supported by economy, 
and defended by speeches, protests, proclama- 
tions, yet tottered to its very centre ; and when 
the great city of New- Amsterdam, though forti- 
fied by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and windmills, 
seemed like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie 
open to attack, and ready to yield to the first in- 
rader. 



k 



Peter's first movements. 1^ 



CHAPTER II. 

• 
Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
himself among the rats and cobwebs on enter- 
ing into office. And the perilous mistake he 
was guilty of, in his dealings with the Am- 
phyctions* 

The very first movements of the great Peter, 
on taking the reins of government, displayed 
the magnanimity of his mind, though they oc- 
casioned not a httle marvel and imeasiness 
among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding 
himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, 
and annoyed by the advice of his privy council, 
the members of which had acquired the unrea- 
sonable habit of thinking and speaking for them- 
selves during the preceding reign ; he deter- 
mined at once to put a stop to such grievous 
abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he en- 
tered upon his authority, than he turned out of 
office all those meddlesome spirits that compo- 
sed the factious cabinet of WiUiam the* Testy, 
in place of whom he chose unto himself counsel- 
lors from those fat, somniferous, respectable 
families, that had flourished and slumbered un- 
der the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All 



20 THE WINDMILL SYSTEM OVERTURNED. 

these he caused to be furnished with abundance 
of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with fre- 
quent corporation dinners, admonishing them to 
smoke, and'eat, and sleep, for the good of the na- 
tion, while he took all the burden of government 
upon his own shoulders — an arrangement to 
which they all gave hearty acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous 
rout among the inventions and expedients of 
his learned predecessor — demolishing his flag- ^ 
staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, 
guarded the ramparts of New-Amsterdam — 
pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker 
guns — rooting up his patent gallows, where cai* 
tiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband 
— and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole 
philosophic, economic, and windmill system of 
the immortal sage of Saardam. 

The honest folk of New- Amsterdam began to 
quake now for the fate of their matchless cham- 
pion, Antony the trumpeter, who had acquired 
prodigious favour in the eyes of the women, by 
means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did 
Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into 
his presence, and eyeing him for a moment 
from head to foot, with a countenance that 
would have appalled any thing else than a sound- 
er of brass — "Pry thee, who and what art thou?" 
said he. — " Sire," replied the other, in no wise 



HIS CONDUCT TO VAN CORLEAR. 21 

dismayed, — " for my name, it is Antony Van 
Corlear — for my parentage, I am the son of my 
mother — for my profession, 1 am champion and 
garrison of this great city of New-Amster- 
dam." — " I doubt me much," said Peter Stu}^- 
vesant, " that thou art some scurvy costardmon- 
ger knave — how didst thou acquire this paramount 
honour and dignity ?" — " Marry sir," rephed the 
other, " hke many a great man before me, simply 
by sounding my ozvn trumpet,''^ — " Ay, is it so ?" 
quoth the governor, " why then let us have a 
relish of thy art." Whereupon he put his instru- 
ment to his lips, and sounded a charge with such 
a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, 
and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enough 
to make your heart leap out of your mouth only 
to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn 
charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by 
chance he hear the strains of martial music, 
pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws and 
kindles at the noise, so did the heroic soul of 
the mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the 
trumpet ; for of him might truly be said what 
was recorded of the renowned St. George of 
England, " there was nothing in all the world 
that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the 
pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers 
brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting 
his eyes more kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy 

VOL. II. 3 



22 VAN CORLEAR MADE HIS SQUIRE. 

Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly, fat 
little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great 
discretion and immeasurable wind, he straight- 
way conceived a vast kindness for him, and dis- 
charging him from the troublesome duty of gar- 
risoning, defending, and alarming the city, ever 
after retained him about his person, as his chief 
favourite, confidential envoy, and trusty squire. 
Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous 
notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight 
the governor while at his repasts, as did the min- 
strels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry — 
and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of 
the people with warlike melody — thereby keep- 
ing alive a noble and martial spirit. 

Many other alterations and reformations, both 
for the better and for the w.orse, did the governor 
make, of which my time will not serve me to 
record the particulars ; sufiice it to say, he soon 
contrived to make the province feel that he was 
its master, and treated the sovereign people with 
such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to 
hold their tongues, stay at home, and attend to 
their business ; insomuch that party feuds and 
distinctions were almost forgotten, and many 
thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were 
utterly ruined for want of business. 

Indeed, the critical state of public affairs at 
this time demanded the utmost vigilance and 



DEPUTATION FROM PROVIDENCE. 23 

promptitade. The formidable council of the 
Amphvclions, which ha.l caused so much tribu- 
lation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued 
augmenting its forces, and threatened to link 
within its union all the mighty principalities 
and powers of the east. In the very year follow- 
ing the inauguration of Governor Stuyvcsant a 
grand deputation departed from the City of Pro- 
vidence (famous for its dusty streets and beau- 
teous women,) in behalf of the puissant planta- 
tion of Rhode Island, praying to be admitted into 
the league. 

The following mention is made of this appli- 
cation in certain records of that assemblage of 
worthies, which are still extant."^ 

" Mr.- Will Cottington and captain Partridg of 
Rhoode Hand presented this insevv'ing request to 
the commissioners in wrightmg — 

" Our request and motion is in behalfe of 
Rhoode-Iland, that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode- 
Iland may be rescauied into combination with 
all the united colonyes of New-England in a 
firme and perpetuall league of friendship and 
amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice 
and succor upon all just occasions for our mu- 
tuall safety and wellfaire, &c. 

Will Cottington, 
Alicxsander Partridg." 

•^- Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 



.24 THEIR REQUEST IN " WRIGHTING." 

There is certainly something in the very 
physiognomy of this document that might well 
inspire apprehension. The name of Alexander, 
however mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age, 
and though its fierceness is in some measure 
softened by being coupled with the gentle cog- 
nomen of Partridge, still, like the colour of scar- 
let, it bears an exceeding great resemblance to 
the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the 
letter, moreover, and the soldierlike ignorance 
of orthography displayed by the noble captain 
Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own name, 
we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of 
Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and 
as great a scholar as though he had been edu- 
cated among that learned people of Thrace, who, 
Aristotle assures us, could not count beyond the 
number four. 

But whatever might be the threatening aspect 
of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant 
was not a man to be kept in a state of incerti- 
tude and vague apprehension ; he liked nothing 
so much as to meet danger face to face, and 
take it by the beard. Determined, therefore, to 
put an end to all these petty maraudings on the 
borders, he wrote two or three categorical let- 
ters to the grand council ; which, though neither 
couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced by rheto- 
rical tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle 



ADJUSTMENT OF GRIEVANCES. 25 

flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate 
epistles, protests, and proclamations of his learn- 
ed predecessor put together. In consequence 
of his urgent propositions, the great confederacy 
of the east agreed to enter into a final adjustment 
of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to 
the end that a perpetual and happy peace might 
take place between the two powers. For this 
purpose Governor Stuyvesant deputed two am- 
bassadors to negotiate with commissioners from 
the grand council of the league, and a treaty was 
solemnly concluded at Hartford. On receiving 
intelligence of this event, the whole community 
was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of 
the sturdy Van Corlear sounded all day with 
joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Am- 
sterdam, and at night the city was magnificently 
illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow 
candles ; besides a barrel of tar, which was burnt 
before the governor's house, on the cheering as- 
pect of pubhc affairs. 

And tiow my worthy reader is, doubtless, hke 
the great and good Peter, congratulating him- 
self with the idea, that his feehngs will no lon- 
ger be molested by afflicting details of stolen 
horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all 
the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties 
that disgraced these border wars. But if he 
should indulge in such expectations, it is a proof 
3* 



26 PETER STUYVESANT's ERROR. 

that he is but Uttle versed in the paradoxical ways 
of cabinets; to convince him of which, I solicit 
his serious attention to my next chapter, wherein 
I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already 
committed a great error in politics ; and by ef- 
fecting a peace, ha* materially hazarded the 
tranquillity of the province. 



SPECULATIONS ON WAR. 27 



CHAPTER III. 

Containing divers speculations on war and nego- 
tiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a 
great national evil. 

It was the opinion of that poetical philoso- 
pher, Lucretius, that war was the original state 
of man, whom he described as being primitive- 
ly a savage beast of prej, engaged in a constant 
state of hostility with his own species, and that 
this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated 
by society. The same opinion has been advo- 
cated by Hobbes,* nor have there been wanting 
many other philosophers to admit and defend it. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these 
valuable speculations, so complimentary to hu- 
man nature, yet, in this instance, I am inchned 
to take the proposition by halves, believing 
with Horace,! that though war may have been 
originally the favourite amusement and indus- 
trious employment of our progenitors, yet, like 

^ Hobbes' Leviathan. Part i. chap. 13. 
f Quura prorepserunt primis animalia terris, 
Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, quas post fabricaverat usus, 

Hor. Sat. L. i. s. S. 



28 man's murderous inventions. 

many other excellent habits, so far from being 
ameliorated, it has been cultivated and con- 
firmed by refinement and civilization, and in- 
creases in exact proportion as we approach to- 
wards that state of perfection which is the ne 
plus ultra of modern philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was 
the mere exertion of physical force, unaided 
by auxihary weapons — his arm was his buck- 
ler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head 
the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of 
unassisted strength was succeeded by the more 
rugged one of stones and clubs, and war assum- 
ed a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in 
refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his 
sensibilities became tnore exquisite, he grew ra- 
pidly more ingenious and experienced in the 
art of murdering his fellow beings. He invented 
a thousand devices to defend and to assault — the 
helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, 
the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude 
the wound, as well as to launch the blow. Still 
urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic ca- 
reer of invention, he enlarges and heightens his 
powers of defence and injury — The Aries, the 
Scorpio, the Balista, and the Catapulta, give a 
horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its 
glory by increasing its desolation. Still insatia- 
ble, though armed with machinery that seemed 



FIGHTING BY PROCLAMATION. 29 

to reach the Hmits of destructive invention, 
and to yield a power of injury, commensurate 
even with the desires of revenge — still deeper 
researches must be made in the diabolical arca- 
na. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels 
of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals 
and deadly salts — the sublime discovery of gun- 
powder blazes upon the world — and finally the 
dreadful art of fighting by proclamation, seems 
to endow the demon of war with ubiquity and 
omnipotence ! 

This, indeed, is grand! — this, indeed, marks 
the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine 
endowment of reason, which distinguishes us 
from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlight- 
ened brutes content themselves with the native 
force which Providence has assigned them. — 
The angry bull butts with his horns, as did his 
progenitors before him — the lion, the leopard, 
and the tyger, seek only with their talons and 
their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and 
even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, 
and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before 
the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inven- 
tive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery 
— enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruc- 
tion ; arrogates the tremendous weapons of 
Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him in 
murdering his brother worm ! 



30 IMPROVEMENTS IN WAR AND PEACE. 

In proportion as the art of war has increased 
in improvement, has the art of preserving peace 
advarnced in equal ratio ; and, as we have dis- 
covered in this age of wonders and inventions, 
that proclamation is the most formidable engine 
in war, so have we discovered the liO less inge- 
nious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual 
negotiations. 

A treaty, or to speak more correctly, a nego- 
tiation, therefore, according to the acceptation 
of experienced statesmen, learned in these mat- 
ters, is no longer an attempt to accommodate 
differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish 
an equitable exchange of kind offices; but a con- 
test of skill between two powers, which shall 
over-reach and take in the other. It is a cun- 
ning endeavour to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, 
and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages 
which a nation would otherwise have wrested 
by force of arms : in the same manner that a 
conscientious highwayman reforms and becomes 
an excellent and praise-worthy citizen, content- 
ing himself with cheating his neighbour out of 
that property he would formerly have seized 
with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can 
be said to be in a state of perfect amity, is, when 
a negotiation is open, and a treaty pending. 
Then, as there are no stipulations entered into, 



NO TERMS ARE THE BEST TERMS. 31 

no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits 
to awaken the captious jealousy of right im- 
planted in our nature, as each party has some 
advantage to hope and expect from the other, 
then it is that the two nations are so gracious 
and friendly to each other ; their ministers pro- 
fessing the highest mutual regard, exchanging 
billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulg- 
ing in all those little diplomatic flirtations, co- 
quetries and fondhngs, that do so marvellously 
tickle the good humour of the respective nations. 
Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there iis 
never so good an understanding between two 
nations, as when there is a little misunderstand- 
ing — and that so long as they are on no terms, 
thej are on the best terms in the world ! 

I do not by any means pretend to claim the 
merit of having made the above political dis- 
covery. It has in fact long been secretly acted 
upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, 
together with divers other notable theories, 
privately copied out of the common place book 
of aJi illustrious gentleman, who has been mem- 
ber of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited con- 
fidence of heads of departments. To this princi- 
ple may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity 
that has been shown of late years in protracting 
and interrupting negotiations. — Hence the cun- 
ning measure of appointing as ambassador some 



32 HOW TO PROLONG NTIOOTIATIONS. 

political pettifogger skilled iif delays, sophisms, 
and misapprehensions, and dexterous in the art 
of baffling argument — or some bhmdering states- 
man, whose errors and misconstructions may be 
a plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. 
Aiid hence too that most notable expedient, so 
popular with our government, of sending out a 
brace of ambassadors ; who having each an in- 
dividual will to consult, character to establish, 
and interest to promote, you may as well look 
for unanimity and concord between two lovers 
with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or 
two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. 
This disagreement, therefore, is continually 
breeding delays and impediments, in conse- 
quence of which the negotiation goes on swim- 
mingly — inasmuch as there is no prospect of its 
ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by 
these delays and obstacles but time, and in a 
negotiation, according to the theory I have ex- 
posed, all time lost is in reahty so much time 
gained — with what delightful paradoxes does 
modern pohtical economy abound. 

Now all that I have here advanced is so no- 
toriously true, that I almost blush to take up 
the time of my readers with treating of matters 
which must many a time have stared them in 
the face. But the proposition to which 1 would 
most earnestly call their attention is this, that 



PEACE A CERTAIN SOVRGE &F WAR. 33 

though a negotiation be the most harmonizing of 
all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is 
a great political ev il, and one of the most fruitful 
sources of war. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special 
contract between individuals, that did not pro- 
duce jealousies, bickerings, and often downright 
ruptures between them ; nor did I ever know 
of a treaty between two nations that did not 
occasion continual misunderstandings. How 
many worthy country neighbours have I known, 
who after living in peace and good fellowship 
for years, have been thrown into a state of dis- 
trust, cavilling, and animosity, by some ill-starred 
agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray 
cattle. And how many well-meaning nations, 
who would otherwise have remained in the most 
amicable disposition towards each other, have 
been brought to swords' points about the infringe- 
ment, or misconstruction of some treaty, which 
in an evil hour they had concluded by way of 
making their amity more sure. 

Treaties at best are but complied with so 
long as interest requires their fulfilment ; conse- 
quently, they are virtually binding on the weaker 
party oidy, or, in plain truth, they are not bind- 
ing at all. No nation will wantonly go to war 
with another, if it has nothing to gain thereby, 
and therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from 

VOL. II. 4 



34 NEGOTIATION LIKE COURTSHIP. 

violence; and if it have any thing to gain, I 
much question, from what I have witnessed of 
the righteous conduct of nations, whether anj 
treaty could be made so strong that it could not 
thrust the sword through — nay, I would hold ten 
to one, the treaty itself would be the very source 
to which resort would be had, to find a pretext 
for hostilities. 

Thus therefore I conclude — that' though it is 
the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a 
constant negotiation with its neighbours, yet it is 
the summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled 
into a treaty ; for then comes on the non-fulfil- 
ment and infraction, then remonstrance, then al- 
tercation, then retahation, then recrimination, 
and finally open war. In a word, negotiation is 
like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant 
speeches, soft looks, and endearing caresses, but 
the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 



LITTLE ALTERCATIONS OCCUR. 



CHAPTER IV. 

How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly helled hy his 
adversaries the Moss Troopers — and his con- 
duct thereupon. 

If my pains-taking reader be not somev/hat 
perplexed, in the course of the ratiocination of 
my last chapter, he will doubtless at one glance 
perceive, that the great Peter, in concluding a 
treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guilty 
of a lamentable error and heterodoxy in politics. 
To this unlucky agreement may justly be ascri- 
bed a world of little infringements, alterca ons, 
negotiations, and bickerings, which afterwards 
took place between the irreproachable Stuyve- 
sant, and the evil disposed council of Amphyc- 
tions. Ail these did not a little dif- urb the con- 
stitutional serenity of the good burghers of Man- 
nahata ; but in sooth they were so very pitiful in 
their nature and effects, that a grave historian, 
who grudges the time spent in any thing less 
than recording the fall of empires, and the revo- 
lution of worlds, would think them unworthy to 
te inscribed on his sacred page. 



36 EXULTATION OF THE GOVERNOR. 

The reader is therefore to take it for granted-, 
though I scorn to waste in the detail that time 
which my farrowed brow and trembhng hand 
inform me is invaUiable, that all the while the 
great Peter was occupied in those tremendous 
and bloody contests that I shall shortly rehearse, 
there was a continued series of little, dirty, sni- 
velling skirmishes, scourings, broils, and maraud- 
ings made on the eastern frontiers, by the moss 
troopers of Connecticut. But like that mirror 
of chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, 
I leave these petty contests for some future 
Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my 
prowess and my pen for achievements of higher 
dignity. 

Now did the great Peter conclude, that his 
labours had come to a close in the east, and 
that he had nothing to do but apply himself to 
the internal prosperity of his beloved Manhat- 
toes. Though a man of great modesty, he could 
not help boasting that he had at length shut the 
temple of Janus, and that, were all rulers like a 
certain person who should be nameless, it woul < 
never be opened again. But the exultation of 
the worthy governor was put to a speedy check, 
for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly 
was the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty 
and discourteous council of the league sought a 
new pretence for realluming the flames of discord. 



REPUBLICAN SQUEAMISHNESS. 37 

It seems to be the nature of confederacies, 
republics, and such hke powers, that want the 
true mascuhne character, to indulge exceeding- 
ly in certain feminine panics and suspicions. 
Like some good lady of delicate and sickly vir- 
tue, who is in constant dread of having her ves- 
tal purity contaminated or seduced, and who, 
if a man do but take her by the hand, or look 
her in the face, is ready to cry out, rape ! and 
ruin ! — so these squeamish governments are per- 
petually on the alarm for the virtue of the coun- 
try : every manly measure is a violation of the 
constitution — every monarchy or other mascu- 
line government around them is laying snares 
for their seduction ; and they are for ever de- 
tecting infernal plots, by which they were to be 
betrayed, dishonoured, and " brought upon the 
town." 

If any proof were wanting of the truth of these 
opinions, I would instance the conduct of a cer- 
tain republic of our day; w^ho,-good dame, has 
already withstood so many plots and conspira- 
cies against her virtue, and has so often come 
near being made " no better than she should 
be." I would notice her constant jealousies of 
poor old England, who, by her own account, has 
been incessantly trying to sap her honour ; 
though, from my soul, I never could believe the 
honest old gentleman meant her any rudeness. 
4* 



38 FOUL CHARGES AGAINST PETER. 

Whereas, on the contrary, I think I have several 
times caught her squeezing hands and induUjjing 
in certain amorous ogUngs with that sad fellow 
Bonaparte — who all the world knows to be a 
great despoiler of national virtue, to have ruined 
all the empires in his neighbourhood, and to 
have debauched every republic that came in his 
way — but so it is, these rakes seem always to 
gaiii singular favour with the ladies. 

But I crave pardon of my reader for thus 
wandering, and will endeavour in some mea- 
sure to apply the foregoing remarks ; for in the 
year 1651 we are told that the great confedera- 
cy of the east accused the immaculate Peter — 
the soul of honour and heart of steel — that by 
divers gifts and promises he had been secretly 
endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett, 
(or Narraganset) 3Iohaque, and Pequot Indians, 
to surprise and massacre the Yankee settle- 
ments. "For," as the council slanderously ob- 
served, " the Indians round about for diver$ 
hundred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke 
deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the 
Manhatoes against the English, whoe have 
sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall 
respects." 

History does not make mention how the great 
council of the Amphyctions came by this pre- 
cious plot ; whether it was honestly bought at- 



THE author's moderatiok. 39 

a fair market price, or discovered by sheer good 
fortune — It is certain, however, that they exam- 
ined divers Indians, who all swore to the fact 
as sturdily as though they had been so many 
Christian troopers : and to be more sure of 
their veracity, the sage council previously made 
every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, re- 
membering an old and trite proverb, which it is 
not necessary for me to repeat. 

Though descended from a family which suffer- 
ed much injury from the losel Yankees of those 
times — my great grandfather having had a yoke 
of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having 
received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose 
in one of these border wars ; and my grandfather, 
when a very little boy tending pigs, having been 
kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided 
Connecticut schoolmaster — Yet I should have 
passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness 
and oblivion — I could even have suffered them 
to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have 
kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his 
ragged regiment out of doors, carried every hog 
into captivity, and depopulated every hen roost 
on the face of the earth with perfect impunity — 
But this wanton attack upon one of the most 
gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern 
times is too much even for me to digest, and 
has overset, with a single puff, the patience of 



40 THEIR FALSEHOOD ASSERTED. 

the historian, and the forbearance of the Dutch- 
man. 

Oh reader, it was false ! — I swear to thee, it 
was false !-;— if thou hast any respect to my 
word — if the undeviating character for veracity, 
which I have endeavoured to maintain through- 
out this work, has its due weight with thee, thou 
wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander 5 
for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame 
to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was 
not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but 
would have suffered his right arm, or even his 
wooden leg to consume with slow and everlast- 
ing flames, rather than attempt to destroy his 
enemies in any other way than open generous 
warfare — beshrew those caitiff scouts that con- 
spired to sully his honest name by such an im- 
putation ! 

Petei Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had 
never heard of a Knight Errant, yet had he as 
true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round 
table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of na- 
tive gallantry, a noble and generous hardihood 
diffused through his rugged manners, which al- 
together gave unquestionable tokens of, an he- 
roic mind. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry 
struck off by the hand of nature at a single heat, 
and though she had taken no farther care to po- 
lish and refine her workmanship, he stood forth 
a miracle of her skill. 



HONOUR or PETER VINDICATED. 41 

But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic 
writing whi<:h I particularly eschew,) the great 
Peter possessed, in an eminent degree, the seven 
renowned and noble virtues of knighthood, 
which, as he had never consulted authors in 
the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, 1 
verily believe must have been implanted in the 
corner of his heart by dame Nature herself — 
where they flourished among his hardy qualities 
like so many sweet wild flowers, shooting forth 
and thriving with redundant luxuriance among 
stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of Peter the 
Headstrong, and if my admiration for it has, on 
this occasion, transported my style beyond the 
sober gravity which becomes the laborious scribe 
of historic events, I can plead as an apology, 
that though a little gray-headed Dutchman ar- 
rived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of 
life, I still retain some portion of that celestial 
fire which sparkles in the eye of youth, when 
contemplating the virtues and achievements of 
ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times 
blessed be the good St. Nicholas — that I have 
escaped the influence of that chilling apathy, 
which too often freezes the sympathies of age ; 
which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals 
of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, 
and paralyzing every spontaneous glow of e»- 
fhusiasm. 



42 HIS HEROIC CHALLENGE. 

No sooner then did this scoundrel imputation 
on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuy vesant, 
than he proceeded in a manner which would 
have redounded to his credit, even though he 
had studied for years in the library of Don 
Quixote himself. He immediately despatched 
his valiant trumpeter and squire, Antony Van 
Corlear,, with orders to ride night and day, as 
herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproach- 
ing them in terms of noble indignation, for 
giving ear to the slanders of heathen infidels, 
against the character of a Christian, a gentle- 
man, and a soldier — and declaring, that as to 
the treacherous and bloody plot alleged against 
him, whoever affirmed it to be true, lied in his 
teeth ! — to prove which, he defied the president 
of the council and all of his compeers, or, if they 
pleased, their puissant champion, captain Alicx- 
sander Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, to 
meet him in single combat, where he would 
trust the vindication of his innocence to the 
prowess of his arm. 

This challenge being delivered with due cere- 
mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet 
of defiance before the whole council, ending 
with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in the 
face of Captain Partridg, who almost jumped out 
of his skin in an ecstacy of astonishment at the 
noise. This done, he mounted a tall Flanders 



EFFECT OF ANTONYMS TRUMPET. 43 

mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily 
towards the Manhattoes — passing through Hart- 
ford, and Pyquag, and Middletown, and all the 
other border towns — twanging his trumpet like 
a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks 
of the Connecticut resounded with the warlike 
melody, — and stopping occasionally to eat pump- 
kin pies, dance at country frolicks, and bundle 
with the beauteous lasses of those parts — whom 
he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul-stirring in- 
strument. 

But the grand council being composed of 
considerate men, had no idea of running a tilt- 
ing with such a fiery hero as the hardy Peter — 
on the contrary, they sent him an answer 
couched in the meekest, the most mild, and 
provoking terms, in which they assured him that 
his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction, 
by the testimony of divers sober and respecta- 
ble Indians, and concluding with this truly 
amiable paragraph — " For you re confidant de- 
nialls of the Barbarous plott charged will waigh 
little in balance against such evidence, soe that 
we must still require and seeke due satisfac- 
tion and cecurite, so we rest, 
Sir, 

Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." 

I am aware that the above transaction has 
been differently recorded by certain historians 



44 ©INDUCT OP THE COMMISSIONERS. 

of the east, and elsewhere ; who seem to have 
inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to 
the brave Peter — and much good may their in- 
heritance do them. These declare, that Peter 
Stuy vesant requested to have the charges against 
him inquired into, by commissioners to be ap- 
pointed for the purpose; and yet that when such 
commissioners were appointed, he refused to 
submit to their examination. In this artful ac- 
count there is but the semblance of truth — he 
did, indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he 
found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, 
to submit his conduct to the rigorous inspection 
of a court of honour — but then he expected to 
find it an august tribunal, composed of courte- 
ous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of 
the confederate plantations, and of the province 
of New-Netherlands ; where he might be tried 
by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank 
and dignity — whereas, let me perish, if they did 
not send to the Manhattoes two lean sided hun- 
gry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, 
with saddle bags under their bottoms, and green 
satchels under their arms, as though they were 
about to beat the hoof from one county court to 
another in search of a law suit. 

The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, 
took no notice of these cunning varlets ; who, 
with professional industry, fell to prying and 



ADJOURNMENT OF THE GRAND COUNCIL. 45 

sifting about, in quest of ex parte evidence ; per- 
plexing divers simple Indians and old women, 
with their cross questioning, until they contra- 
dicted and forswore themselves most horribly. 
Thus having fulfilled their errand to their own 
satisfaction, they returned to the grand council 
with their satchels and saddle bags stuffed full 
of villanous rumours, apocryphal stories, and 
outrageous calumnies, — for all which the great 
Peter did not care a tobacco stopper; but, I 
warrant me, had they attempted to play off the 
same trick upon William the Testy, he would 
have treated them both to an atrial gambol on 
his patent gallows. 

The grand council of the east held a very 
solemn meeting on the return of their envoys, 
and after they had pondered a long time on the 
situation of affairs, were upon the point of ad- 
journing without being able to agree upon any 
thing. At this critical moment one of those med- 
dlesome, indefatigable spirits, who endeavour 
to establish a character for patriotism by blow- 
ing the bellows of party, until the whole furnace 
of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders — * 
and who have just cunning enough to know 
that there is no time so favourable for getting 
on the people's backs as when they are in a 
state of turmoil, and attending to every body's 
business but their own — This aspiring imp of 

VOL. II. 5 



46 CRUSADE DENOUNCED AGAINST 

faction, who was called a great politician, be- 
cause he had secured a seat in council by ca- 
lumniating all his opponents — he, I say, con- 
ceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow 
that should secure his popularity among his con- 
stituents who lived on the borders of Nieuw- 
Nederlandt, and were the greatest poachers in 
Christendom, excepting the Scotch border no- 
bles. Like a second Peter the hermit, therefore, 
he stood forth and preached up a crusade against 
Peter Stuyvesant, and his devoted city. 

He made a speech which lasted six hours, ac- 
cording to the ancient cus,tom in these parts, in 
which he represented the Dutch as a race of im- 
pious heretics, who neither believed in witch- 
craft, nor the sovereign virtues of horse-shoes — 
who left their country for the lucre of gain, not 
like themselves, for the enjoyment of liberty of 
conscience— ^^'h.o^ in short, were a race of mere 
cannibals and anthropophagi, inasmuch as they 
never eat cod-fish on Saturdays, devoured swine's 
flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in 
utter contempt. 

# This speech had the desired effect, for the 
council, being awakened by the sergeant at arms, 
rubbed their eyes, and declared that it was just 
and politic to declare instant war against these 
unchrislian anti-pumpkinites. But it was neces- 
sary that the people at large should first be pre- 



THE DUTCH ANTI-PUMPKIXITES. 47 

pared for this measure, and for this purpose the 
arguments of the orator were preached from the 
pulpit for several Sundays subsequent, and earn- 
estly recommended to the consideration of every 
good Christian, who professed, as well as practi- 
sed, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the 
forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we 
hear of the " Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for 
political recruits in our country ; and it proved of 
such signal efficacy, that it has since been called 
into frequent service throughout our union. A 
cunning politician is often found skulking under 
the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and 
an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual 
and things temporal are strangely jumbled to- 
gether, like poisons and antidotes on an apothe- 
cary's shelf; and instead of a devout sermon, the 
simple church-going folk have often a po'i ' al 
pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled witb 
a pious text from Scripture, 



48 



CPIAPTER V. 

Hozo ike Kezo'Amsterdammers became great in 
arms., and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty 
army — together with Peter Stiiyvesant^s mea* 
sures to fortify the city — and how he was the 
original founder of the Battery. 

But notwithstanding that the grand council, 
as I have already shown, were amazingly dis- 
creet in their proceedings respecting the New- 
Netherlands, and conducted the whole with al- 
most as much silence and mystery as does the 
sage British cabinet one of its ill-starred secret 
expeditions — yet did the ever watchful Peter 
receive as full and accurate information of every 
movement as does the court of France of all 
the notable enterprises I have mentioned. — 
fte accordingly sat himself to work, to render 
the machinations of his bitter adversaries abor- 
tive. 

I know that many will censure the precipita- 
tion of this stout hearted old governor, in that 
he hurried into the expenses of fortification, 



VALOROUS TRAIN BANDS. 49 

, without ascertaining whether they w^ere neces- 
sary, by prudently waiting until the enemy was 
at the door. But they should recollect that 
Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an in- 
sight into the modern arcana of politics, and v, as 
strangely- bigoted to certain obsolete maxims 
of the old school ; among which he firmly be- 
lieved, that to render a country respected abroad, 
it was necessary to make it formidable at home — 
and that a nation should place its reliance for 
peace and security more upon its own strength, 
than on the justice or good will of its neigh- 
bours. He proceeded, therefore, with all dili- 
gence, to put the province and metropolis in a 
strong posture of defence. 

Among the few remnants of ingenious inven- 
tions which remained from the days of William 
the Testy, were those impregnable bulwarks of 
public safety, militia laws ; by which the inhabi- 
tants were obliged to turn out twice a year, 
with such military equipments — as it pleased 
God ; and were put under the command of very 
valiant tailors, and man-miliiners, who though 
on ordinary occasions the meekest, pippin- 
hearted httle men in the world, were very devils 
at parades and court-martials, when they had 
cocked hats on their heads, and sw ords by their 
sides. Under the instructions of these periodical 
warriors, the 2;aiiant train bands made marvel- 



50 A SMALL MISTAKE RECTiriED. 

lous proficiency in the mystery of gunpowder* 
They were taught to face to the right, to wheel 
to the left, to snap off empty fire-locks without 
winking, to turn a corner without any great up- 
roar or irregularity, and to march through sun 
and rain from one end of the town to the other 
without flinching — until in the end they became 
so valorous that they fired off blank cartridges, 
without so much as turning away their heads — 
could hear the largest field piece discharged 
without stopping their ears, or falling into much 
confusion — and would even go through all the 
fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade, 
without having their ranks much thinned by de- 
sertion ! 

True it is, the genius of this tnily pacific peo- 
ple was so little given to war, that during the 
intervals which occurred between field days, 
they generally contrived to forget all the military 
tuition they had received ; so that when they re- 
appeared on parade, they scarcely knew the butt- 
end of the musket from the muzzle, and inva- 
riably mistook the right shoulder for the left — 
a mistake which, however, was soon obviated by 
chalking their left arms. *But whatever might be 
their blunders and awkwardness, the sagacious 
Kieft declared them to be of but little import- 
ance — since, as he judiciously observed, one 
campaign would be of more instruction to them 



Peter's ragged regiment. 51 

than a hundred parades ; for though two-thirds 
of them might be food for powder, yet such of 
the other third as did not run awaj would be- 
come most experienced veterans. 

The great Stuyvesant had no particular vene- 
ration for the ingenious experiments and insti- 
tutions of his shrewd predecessor, and among 
other things, held the militia system in very 
considerable contempt, which he was often heard 
to call in joke — for he was sometimes fond of a 
joke — ^governor Kieft's broken reed. As, how- 
ever, the present emergency was pressing, he 
was obliged to avail himself of such means of 
defence as were next at hand, and accordingly 
appointed a general inspection and parade of 
the train bands. But oh! Mars and Bellona, and 
all ye other powers of war both great and small, 
what a turning out was here ! — -Here came men 
without officers, and officers without men — long 
fowling pieces, and short 'blunderbusses — mus- 
kets of all sorts and sizes, some without bayo- 
nets, others without locks, others without stocks, 
and many without lock, stock, or barrel. — Car- 
tridge-boxes, shot-belts, powder horns, swords, 
hatchets, snicker-snees, crow-bars, and broom- 
sticks, all mingled higgledy, piggledy — like one 
of our continental armies at the breaking out of 
the revolution. 

This sudden transformation of a pacific com- 
munity into a band of warriors is doubtless 



52 '' PUTTING A NATION IN ARMOUR." 

what is meant, in naodern days, by " putting a 
nation in armour," and "fixing it in an atti- 
tude." In which armour and attitude it makes 
as martial a figure, and is hkely to acquit itself 
with as much prowess, as the renowned Sancho 
Panza, when suddenly equipped to defend his 
Island of Barataria. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment 
with some such rueful aspect as a man would 
eye the devil ; but knowing, like a wise man, 
that all he had to do was to make the best out 
of a bad bargain, he determined to give his 
heroes a seasoning. Having, therefore, drilled 
them thiough the manual exercise over and over 
again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick 
march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards 
and forwards about the sti^ets of New-Amster- 
dam, and the fields adjacent, until their short 
legs ached, and their fat sides sweated again. 
But this was notall;u^he martial spirit of the old 
governor caught fire from the sprightly music 
of the fife, and he resolved to try the mettle of 
his troops, and give them a taste of the hard- 
ships of iron war. To this end he encam]>ed 
them, as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill 
formerly called Bunker's Hill, at some distance 
from the town, with a full intention of initiating 
them into the discipline of camps, and of re- 
newing the next day, the toils and perils of tJic 
field. But so it came to pass, that in the hight 



AWFUL DISSOLUTION OF THE REGIMENT. 53 

there fell a great and heavy rain, which descend- 
ed in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty 
army strangely melted away before it; so that 
when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morning 
beams upon the place, saving Peter Stiiyvesant 
and his trumpeter, Van Corlear, scarce one was 
to be found of all the multitude that had en- 
camped there the night before. 

This awful dissolution of his army woMd have 
appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter 
Stuyvesant ; but he considered it as a matter of 
but small importance, though he thenceforward 
regarded the militia system with ten times greats 
er contempt than ever, and took care to pro- 
vide himself with a good garrison of chosen men, 
whom he kept in pay, of whom he boasted that 
they at least possessed the quality, indispensable 
in soldiers, of being water proof. 

The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was 
to strengthen and fortify New- Amsterdam. For 
this purpose he caused to be built a strong pick- 
et fence that reached across the island, from 
river to river, being intended to protect tile city 
not merely from the sudden invasions of foreign 
enemies, but likewise from the incursions of the 
neighbouring savages.* 

* In an antique view of New- Amsterdam, taken some 
years after the above period, is a representation of this wall, 
which stretched along- the course of Wall-street, so called 
iu commemoration of this g^reat bulwark. One gate, call- 



S4 A PRODIGIOUS STRONG WALL BUlLt. 

Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the 
building of this wall to a later period, but they 
are wholly incorrect; for a memorandum in the 
Stuyvesant manuscript, dated towards the mid- 
dle of the governor's reign, mentions this wall 
particularly, as a very strong and curious piece 
of workmanship, and the admiration of all the 
savages in the neighbourhood. And it mentions, 
moreo^r. the alarming circumstance of a drove 
of stray cows breaking through the grand wall 
of a dark night; by which the whole community 
of New- Amsterdam was thrown into a terrible 
panic. 

In addition to this great wall, he cast up 
several outworks to Fort Amsterdam, to protect 
the seaboard, at the point of the island. These 
consisted of formidable mud batteries, solidly 
faced, after the manner of the Dutch ovens 
common in those days, with clam shells. 

These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, 
came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant car- 
pet of grass and clover, and their high embank- 
ments overshadowed by wide spreading syca- 
mores, among w^hose foliage the little birds sport- 
ed the Land-Poort, opened upon Broad- way, hard by where 
at present stands the Trinity Church ; and another, called 
the Water- Poort, stood about where the Tontine Coffee 
House is at present — opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is 
commonly called. Smith Fly, then a marshy valley, with a 
creek or inlet extending up what we call Maiden-lane. 



•RIGIN OF THE BATTERY. 55 

ed about, rejoicing the ear with their melodious 
notes. The old burghers would repair of an af- 
ternoon to smoke their pipes under the shade 
of their branches, contemplating the golden 
sun as he gradually sunk into the west, an em- 
blem of that tranquil end toward which them- 
selves were hastening — while the young men and 
the damsels of the town would take many a 
moonhght stroll among these favourite haunts, 
watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia 
tremble along the calm bosom of the bay, or 
light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and 
interchanging the honest vows of constant affec- 
tion. Such was the origin of that renowned 
walk THE BATTERY, which, though ostensibly 
devoted to the purposes of war, has ever been 
consecrated to the sweet delights of peace. 
The favourite walk of declining age — the health- 
ful resort of the feeble invalid — the Sunday re- 
freshment of the dusty tradesman — the scene of 
many a boyish gambol — the rendezvous of many 
a tender assignation — the comfort of the citizen 
— the ornament of New- York, and the pride of 
the lovely island of Mannahata. 



56 HOSTfLE PREPARATIONS OP THE LEAGUE. 



CHAPTER VI. 

How the people of the east country were suddenly 
afflicted with a diabolical evil — and their judi' 
cious measures for the extirpation thereof 

Having thus provided for the temporary secu- 
rity of New-Amsterdam, and guarded it against 
any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a 
hearty pinch of snufF, and, snapping his fingers, 
set the great council of Amphyctions, and their 
champion, the doughty Alicxsander Partridg, at 
defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstand- 
ing, what might have been the issue of this af- 
fair, had not the council been all at once involv- 
ed in sad perplexity, and as much dissension 
sown among its members, as of yore was stirred 
up in the camp of the brawling warriors of 
Greece. 

The council of the league, as I have shown in 
my last chapter, had already announced its hos»- 
tile determinations, and already was the mighty 
colony of New-Haven and the puissant town of 
Pyquag, otherwise called Weathersfield — fa- 
mous for its onions and its witches — and the 



Hew THWARTED. 57 

great trading house of Hartford, and all the 
other redoubtable border towns, in a prodigious 
turmoil, furbishing up their rusty fowling pieces, 
and shouting aloud for war ; by which they an- 
ticipated easy conquests, and gorgeous spoils, 
from the little fat Dutch villages. But this joy- 
ous brawling was soon silenced by the conduct 
of the colony of Massachusetts. Struck with the 
gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and con- 
vinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic 
warmth of his vindication, they refused to be- 
lieve him guilty of the infamous plot most 
wrongfully laid at his door. With a generosity 
for which I would yield them immortal honour, 
they declared, that no determination of the* 
strand council of the leaarue should bind the 
general court of Massachusetts to join in an of- 
fensive war, which should appear to such gene- 
ral court to be mijust.* 

This refusal immediately involved the colony 
of Massachusetts and the other combined colo- 
nies in very serious difficulties and disputes, 
and would no doubt have produced a dissolution 
of the confederacy, but that the council of Am- 
phyctions, finding that they could not stand 
alone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a 
member as Massachusetts, were fain to abandon 

* Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 
VOL. II. 6 



58 NEW-ENGLAND HORRIBLY BELEAGUERED. 

for the present their hostile machinations against 
the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy 
and the puissance of those confederacies, compo- 
sed of a number of sturdy, self-willed, discordant 
parts, loosely banded together by a puny general 
government. As it was, however, the warlike 
towns of Connecticut had no cause to deplore this 
disappointment of their martial ardour ; for by my 
faith — though the combined powers of the league 
might have been too potent in the end, for the ro- 
bustious warriors of the Manhattoes — jet in the 
interim would the lion-hearted Peter and his 
myrmidons have choaked the stomachful heroes 
of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given 
the other little border towns such a scouring, that 
I warrant they would have had no stomach to 
squat on the land, or invade the hen roost of a 
New-Nederlander for a century to come. 

Indeed, there was more than one cause to 
divert the attention of the good people of the 
east, from their hostile purposes ; for just about 
this time were they horribly beleagured and 
harassed by the inroads of the prince of dark- 
ness, divers of whose liege subjects they detect- 
ed, lurking within their camp, all of whom they 
incontinently roasted as so many spies and 
dangerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, 
we are informed, that at this juncture the New- 
England provinces were exceedingly troubled 



CREDULITY OF THE MOB, 



^9 



bj multitudes of losel witches, who wrought 
strange devices to beguile and distress the mul- 
titude ; and notwithstanding numerous judicious 
and bloody laws had been enacted against all 
" solem conversing or compacting with the divil, 
by way of conjuracon or the like,"* yet did the 
dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to 
an alarming degree, that would almost transcend 
belief, were not the fact too well'authenticated 
to be even doubted for an instant. 

What is particularly w^orthy of admiration is, 
that this terrible art, which so long has baffled 
the painful researches and abstruse studies of 
philosophers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists, 
and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most 
ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the 
community, who had scarcely more brains than 
the broomsticks they rode upon. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, 
who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long 
in Avant of proofs to support it — raise but the 
cry of yellow fever, and immediately every 
head-ache, and indigestion, and overfloAving of 
the bile is pronounced the terrible epidemic — 
In like manner, in the present instance, who- 
ever was troubled with a colic or lumbago, was 
sure to be bewitched, and wo to any unlucky 

♦^ New-Plymouth Record. 



6(5 



SCRUTINY FOR WITCHES. 



old woman that lived in his neighbourhood. 
Such a howling abomination could not be suffer- 
ed to remain long unnoticed, and it accordingly 
soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober 
and reflective part of the community — more es- 
pecially of those, who, whilome, had evinced so 
much active benevolence in the conversion of 
quakers and anabaptists. The grand council of 
the Amphyctfbns publicly set their faces against 
so deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scru- 
tiny took place after those nefarious witches, 
who were easily detected by devil's pinches, 
black cats, broomsticks, and the circumstance of 
their only being able to weep three tears, and 
those out of the left eye. 

It is incredible the number of offences that 
were detected, '' for every one of which," says 
tlie profound and reverend Cotton Mather, in 
that excellent work, the history of New-England 
— '' we have slich a sufficient evidence, that no 
reasonable man in this whole country ever did 
question thein ; and it zoill be unreasonable to do 
il in any other, ^"^^ 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, 
John Josselyn, Gent, furnishes us with unques- 
tionable facts on this subject. " There are noncj" 
observes he, " that beg in tiiis country, but there 

* Mather's Hist. New-Eng. b. 6. ch. 7, 



MA.RVELLOUS INSTANCE OF OBSTINACY. 61 

be witches too many — bottle bellied witches and 
others, that produce many strange apparitions, 
if you will believe report of a shallop at sea 
manned with women — and of a ship and great 
red horse standing by the mainmast ; the ship 
being in a small cove to the eastward vanished 
of a sudden," &ic. 

The number of delinquents, however, and their 
magical devices were not more remarkable than 
their diabolical obstinac3% Though exhorted in 
the most solemn, persuasive, and affectionate 
manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be 
burnt for the good of religion, and the entertain- 
ment of the public ; yet did they most pertina- 
ciously persist in asserting their innocence. 
Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserv- 
ing of immediate punishment, and was sufficient 
proof, if proof were necessary, that they were 
in league with the devil, who is perverseness 
itself. But their judges were just and merciful, 
and were determined to punish none that were 
not convicted on the best of testimony ; not that 
they needed any evidence to satisfy their own 
minds, for, like true and experienced judges, 
their minds were perfectly made up, and they 
were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the pri- 
soners, before they proceeded to try them; but 
still something was necessary to convince the 
community at large — to quiet those prying quid- 
6^ 



G2 MODE OF EXTIRFATING WITCHCRAFT. 

nuncs who should come after them — in shcnt, 
the world must be satisfied. Oh the world — the 
world !— all the world knows the world of trou- 
ble the world is eternally occasioning! — The 
worthy judges, therefore, were driven to, the ne- 
cessity of sifting, detecting, and making evident 
as noon day, nniatters which were at the com- 
mencement all clearly understood and firmly 
decided upon in their own pericraniums — so that 
it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt 
to gratify the populace of the day — but were 
tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that 
should come after them ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, 
sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail 
on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the 
more urgent arguments of the torture, and hav- 
ing thus absolutely wrung the truth from their 
stubborn lips — they condemned them to undergo 
the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they 
had confessed. Some even carried their per- 
verseness so far as to expire under the torture^ 
protesting their innocence to the last ; but these 
were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely 
possessed by the devil, and the pious by-stand- 
ers only lamented that they had not lived a 
little longer, to have perished in the flames. 

In the City of Ephesus, we are told, that the 
plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old 



REMARKABLE CIRCUMSTANCES. 63 

beggar to death, whom Appolonius pointed out 
as being the evil spirit that caused it, and who 
actually showed himself to be a demon, by chang- 
ing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by 
measures equally sagacious, a salutary check 
was given to this growing evil. The witches 
were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck^ and in 
a little while there was not an ugly old woman 
to be found throughout New-England — which is 
doubtless one reason why all the young women 
there are so handsome. Those honest folk who 
had suffered from their incantations gradually 
recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted 
with twitches and aches, which, however, assum- 
ed the less alarming aspect of rheumatisms, scia- 
tics and lumbagos — and the good people of 
New-England, abandoning the study of the oc- 
cult sciences, turned their attention to the more 
profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon became 
expert in the legerdemain art of turning a pen- 
ny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is 
discernible, even unto this day, in their charac- 
ters — witches occasionally start up among them 
in different disguises, as physicians, civihans, 
and divines. The people at large show a keen- 
ness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, 
that savours strongly of witchcraft — and it has 
been remarked, that whenever any stones fall 
from the moon, the greater part of them is sure 
to tumble into New-England ! 



64 PROTECTING EARE OP ST. NICHOLAS. 



CHAPTER VII. 

Which records the rise and renown of a valiant 
commander, showing that a man, like a blad- 
der, may be puffed up to greatness and impor- 
tance by mere wind. 

When treating of these tempestuous times, 
the unknown writer of the Stujvesant manu- 
script breaks out into a vehement apostrophe, 
in praise of the good St. Nicholas ; to whose 
protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange 
dissentions that broke out in the council of the 
Amphjctions, and the direful witchcraft that 
prevailed in the east country — whereby the hos-^ 
tile machinations against the Nederlanders were 
for a time frustrated, and his favourite city of 
New-Amsterdam preserved from imminent peril 
and deadly warfare. Darkness and lowering 
superstition hung over the fair valleys of the 
east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut no 
longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gayety ; 
direful phantoms and portentous apparitions 
were seen in the air — gliding spectrums haunted 
every wild brook and dreary glen — strange 
voices, made by viewless forms, were heard in 



JACOBUS VAN POFFENBURGH. 65 

desert solitudes — and the border towns were so 
occupied in detecting and punishing the know- 
ing old women, that had produced these alarm- 
ing appeai:ances, that for a while the province 
of Nieuw-Nederlandt and its inhabitants were 
totally forgotten. 

The great Peter, therefore, finding that no- 
thing was to be immediately apprehended from 
his eastern neighbours, turned himself about, 
with a praiseworthy vigilance that ever distin- 
guished him, to put aifetop to the insults of the 
Swedes. These freebooters, my attentive reader 
will recollect had begun to be very troublesome 
towards the latter part of the reign of William 
the Testy, having set the proclamations of that 
doughty little governor at naught, and put the 
intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect non 
plus ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already 
been shown, was a governor of different habits 
and turn of mind — without more ado he imme- 
diately iss'ued orders for raising a corps of troops 
to be stationed on the southern frontier, under 
the command of brigadier general Jacobus Van 
Poffenburgh. This illustrious warrior had risen 
to great importance during the reign of Wilhel- 
mus Kieft, and if histories speak true, was second 
in command to the hapless Van Curlet, when he 
and his ragged regiment were inhumanly kicked 



66 HIS CHARACTER. 

out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. In con- 
sequence of having been in such a " memorable 
affair," and of having received more wounds on 
a certain honourable part that shall be nameless 
than any of his comrades, he vras ever after con- 
sidered as a hero, who had "seen some service." 
Certain it is, he enjoyed the unlimited confidence 
and friendship of William the Testy; who would 
sit for hours, and listen with wonder to his gun- 
powder narratives of surprising victories — he 
had never gained; andidreadfui battles — from 
which he had run away. 

It was tropically observed by honest old So- 
crates, that heaven had infused into some men 
at their birth a portion of intellectual gold ; into 
others of intellectual silver ; while others were 
bounteously furnished out with abundance of 
brass and iron — now of this last class was un- 
doubtedly the great General Von Poflfenburgh, 
and from the display he continually made there- 
of, I am inclined to think that dame Nature, who 
will sometimes be partial, had blessed'him with 
enough of those valuable materials to have fitted 
up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most 
to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all 
his brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who 
was no great judge of base coin, as pure and 
genuine gold. The consequence was, that upon 
the resignation of Jacobus Van Curlet. who, af- 



HIS FERSON. 67 

ter the loss of Fort Good Hope, retired like a 
veteran general, to live under the shade of his 
laurels, the mighty " copper captain" was pro- 
moted to his station. This he filled with great 
importance, always styling himself "commander 
in chief of the armies of the New-Netherlands;" 
though, to tell the truth, the armies, or rather 
army, consisted of a handful of hen steahng, 
bottle bruising ragamuffins. 

Such was the character of the warrior appoint- 
ed by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern 
frontier, nor may it be uninteresting to my read- 
er to have a glimpse of his person. He was not 
very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge, full bo- 
died man, whose bulk did not so much arise from 
his being fat, as windy; being so completely in- 
flated with his own importance, that he resem- 
bled one of those bags of wind which ^olus, in 
an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that wan- 
dering warrior Ulysses. 

His dress comported with his character, for he 
had almost as much brass and copper without, 
as nature had stored away within — His coat was 
crossed and slashed, and carbonadoed with stripes 
of copper lace, and swathed round the body with 
a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fish- 
ing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from 
bursting through his ribs. His head and whiskers 
were profusely powdered, from the Biidst of 



68 HIS DRESS. 

which his full blooded face glowed like a fiery 
furnace ; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready 
to bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking 
eyes, which projected like those of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie 
not this warrior, I would give all the money in 
my pocket to have seen him accoutred cap-a 
pie, in martial array — booted to the middle — 
sashed to the chin — collared to the ears — whis- 
kered to the teeth — crowned with an oversha- 
dowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern 
belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a fal- 
chion, of a length that 1 dare not mention-. Thus 
equipped, he strutted about, as bitter looking a 
man of war as the far-famed More of More Hall, 
when he saUied forth, armed at all points, to 
slay the. Dragon of Wantley.* 

Notwithstanding all the great endowments and 
transcendant quahties' of this renowned gereral, 
I must confess he was not exactly the kind of 

* " Had you but seen him in this dress 

How fierce he look'd and how big ; 
You would have thought him for to be 

Some Egyptian Porcupig. 

He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all, 
Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 

For fear they did flee, fur they took him to be 
Some strange outlandish hedge hog." 

Ballad of Drag, of Want. 



MILITARY MEN SCARCE. 6d 

man that the gallant Peter would have chosen 
to command his troops — but the truth is, that 
in those days the province did not abound, as at 
present, in great military characters ; who, like 
so many Cincinnatuses, people every little vil- 
lage — marshalling out cabbages instead of sol- 
diers, and signalizing themselves in the corn 
field, instead of the field of battle. Who have 
surrendered the toils of war, for the more use- 
ful but inglorious arts of peace ; and so blended 
the laurel with the olive, that you may have a 
general for a landlord, a colonel for a stage 
driver, and your horse shod by a valiant " cap- 
tain of volunteers." The redoubtable General 
Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to 
the command of the new levied troops, chiefly 
because there were no competitors for the sta- 
tion, and partly because it would have been a 
breach of military etiquette, to have appointed a 
younger oflicer over his head — an injustice, 
which the great Peter would have rather died 
than have committed. 

No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap- 
tain receive marching orders, than he conduct- 
ed his army undauntedly to the southern fron- 
tier ; through wild lands and savage deserts ; 
over insurmountable mountains, across impassa- 
ble floods, and through impenetrable forests ; sub- 
duing a vast tract of uninhabited country, and 

VOL. ir. 7 



70 ERECTION OF FORT CASIMIR. 

encountering more perils, according to his own 
account, than did ever the great Xenophon in 
his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Gre- 
cians. All this accomphshed, he established oa 
the South (or Delaware) river, a redoubtable 
redoubt, named Fort Casimir, in honour of 
a favourite pair of brimstone coloured trunk 
breeches of the governor. As this fort will be 
found to give rise to very important and inter- 
esting events, it may be worth while to notice 
that it was afterwards called Nieuw-Amstel, and 
was the original germ of the present flourishing 
town of New-Castle, an appellation erroneously- 
substituted for J^o Castle, there neither being, 
nor ever having been a castle, or any thing of 
the kind upon the premises. 

The Swedes did not suifer tamely this mena- 
cing movement of the Nederlanders ; on the con- 
trary, Jan Printz, at that time governor of JSew- 
Sweden, issued a protest against what he term- 
ed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. But 
Von Pofienburgh had become too well versed in 
the nature of proclamations and protests, while 
he served under William the Testy, to be in any 
wise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress 
being fmished, it would have done any man's 
heart good to behold into what a magnitude he 
immediately swelled. He would stride in and 
out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front 



POMPOSITY OF VON I'OFFENlJURGH. 71 

and 1n rear ; on this side and on that.' — ^Theii 
would he dress himself in full regimentals, and 
strut backwards and forwards, for hours toge- 
ther on the top of his little rampart — like a vain- 
glorious cock pigeon vapouring on the top of 
his coop. In a word, unless my readers have no- 
ticed, with curious eye, the pett}^ commander 
of one of our little, snivelhng, military posts, 
swelling with all the vanity of new re'gimentals, 
and the pomposity derived from commanding a 
handful of tatterdamalions, I despair of giving 
them any adequate id«a of the prodigious dignity 
of General Von Poffenburgh. 

It is recorded in the delectable romance of 
Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed 
by king Alexander, did incontinently gallop in- 
to an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees 
with such might and main, that the whole court 
was convinced that he was the most potent and 
courageous gentleman on the face of the earth. 
In like manner the great Von Poffenburgh would 
ease off that valorous spleen, w^hich hke wind 
is so apt to gtow unruly in the stomachs of new 
made soldiers, impelling them to box-lobby 
brawls, and broken-headed quarrels. — For at 
such times, when he found his martial spirit wax- 
ing hot within him, he would p'rudently sally 
forth into the fields, and lugging out his trusty 
sabre, would lay about him most lustily, decapi- 



72 HIS EXPLOITS AND TACTIC^* 

tating cabbages by platoons ; hewing down whole 
phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigan- 
tic Swedes ; and if, peradventiire, he espied a 
colony of honest big bellied pumpkins quietly 
basking themselves in the sun, " ah, caitiff Yan- 
kees," would he roar, 'ihave I caught ye at 
last !" — so saying, with one sweep of his sword, 
he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from 
their chins to their waistbands : by Avhich warlike 
havoc, his choler being in some sort allayed, he 
would return to his garrison with a full con- 
viction that he was a ve|;y miracle of military 
prowess. 

The next ambition of General Von PofTenburgh 
was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well 
knowing that discipline is the soul of all military 
enterprize, he enforced it with the most rigorous 
precision ; obhging every man to turn out his 
toes, and hold up his head on parade, and pre- 
scribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as 
had any shirts to their backs. 

Having one day, in the course of his devout 
researches in the Bible, (for the pious Eneas him- 
self could not exceed him in outward religion,) 
encountered the history of Absalom and his me- 
lancholy end, the general, in an evil hour, issued 
orders for cropping the hair of both officers and 
men throughout the garrison. Now it came to 
pass, that among his officers was one Kildermees- 



kildermeester's long tail. 73 

ter ; a sturdy veteran, who had cherished through 
the course of a long hfe, a rugged mop of hair^ 
not a httle resembhng the shag of a Newfound- 
land dog, terminating with an immoderate queue 
like the handle of a frying pan ; and queued so 
tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth ge- 
nerally stood ajar, and his eye-brows were drawn 
up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally 
be supposed that the possessor of so goodly an 
appendage would resist with abhorrence an order 
condemning it to the shears. On hearing the 
general orders, he discharged a tempest of vete- 
ran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums — 
swore he would break any man's head who at- 
tempted to meddle with his tail — .queued it stiff- 
er than ever, and whisked it about the garrison 
as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester be- 
came instantly an aiOfair of the utmost importance. 
The commander in chief was too enlightened 
an officer not to perceive that the discipline of 
the garrison, the subordination and good order 
of the armies of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, the 
consequent safety of the whole province, and 
ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their 
High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, but 
above all, the dignity of the great General Von 
PofFenburgh, all imperiously demanded the dock- 
ing of that stubborn queue. He therefore deter- 
7* 



74 ORDERED TO BE DOCKED. 

mined that old Kildermeester should be publicly 
shorn of his glories in presence of the whole gar- 
rison — the old man as resolutely stood on the 
defensive — whereupon the general, as became a 
great man, was highly exasperated, and the of- 
fender was arrested and tried by a court martial 
for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list of 
offences noticed in the articles of war, ending 
with a " videlecit, in wearing an eel-skin queue, 
three feet long, contrary to orders" — Then came 
on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings, and 
the whole country was in a ferment about this 
unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the 
commander of a distant frontier post has the 
power of acting pretty much after his own will, 
there is little doubt but that the veteran would 
have been hanged or shot at least, had he not 
luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere cha- 
grin and mortification — and most flagitiously 
deserted from all earthly command, with his be- 
loved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained 
unshaken to the very last moment, when he di- 
rected that he should be carried to his grave 
with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole in 
his coffin. 

This magnanimous affair obtained the general 
great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but 
it is hinted that he was ever after subject to bad 



NIGHTLY VISITATIONS TO THE GOVERNOR. 75 

dreams and fearful visitations in the night — 
when the grizly spectrum of old Kildermeester 
would stand sentinel by his bed side, erect as a 
pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the 
hai^le. 



BOOK^^ 



CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF 

PETER THE HEADSTONG AND HIS GALLANT 

ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE, 



CHAPTER I. 

In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the 
great Peter-^and how General Von Poffen- 
burgh distinguished himself at Port Casimir, 

Hitherto, most venerable and courteous 
reader, have I shown thee the adminstration of 
the valorous Stuyvesant, under the mild moon- 
shine of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity 
of awful expectation ; but now the war drum 
rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its 
thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms 
speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. 
The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, 
from golden visions, and voluptuous ease ; where, 
in the dulcet, "piping time of peace," he sought 



A PREUX CHEVALIER. 77 

sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beau- 
ty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands 
for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flow- 
ers his shining sword, nor through the live-long 
lazy summer's day chants forth his lovesick soul 
in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns 
the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back 
the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered 
limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, 
where late the myrtle waved, where wanton 
roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beam- 
ing casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright 
shield and shakes the ponderous lance; or mounts 
with eager pride his fiery steed, and burns for 
deeds of glorious chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader ! I would not hav*e you 
imagine, that any preux chevalier^ thus hideously 
begirt with iron, existed in the city of New- 
Amsterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic 
mode in which heroic writers always talk of war, 
thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect; 
equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and 
lances, and such like outlandish and obsolete 
weapons, the like of which perchance they had 
never seen or heard of; in the same manner 
that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general 
or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Caesar or 
an Alexander. The simple truth, then, of all this 
oratorical flourish is this — that the vaUant Peter 



78 PETER GOES FORTH TO BATTLE. 

Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary 
to scour his trusty blade, which too long had 
rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to 
undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his 
mighty soul so much delighted. 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my 
imagination — or rather, I behold his goodly por- 
trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion 
of the Stuyvesants — arrayed in all the terrors of 
a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of 
German blue, gorgeously decorated with a good- 
ly show of large brass buttons, reaching from 
his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts 
turned up at the corners, and separating gal- 
lantly behind, so as to display the seat of a 
sumptuous pair of brimstone coloured trunk 
bre ,ches — a graceful style still prevalent among 
the warriors of our day, and which is in confor- 
mity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorn- 
ed to defend themselves in rear. — His face ren- 
dered exceedingly terrible and warlike by a pair 
of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on 
each side in stiffly pomatumed ear locks, and 
descending in a rat tail queue below his waist ; 
a shining stock of black leather supporting his 
chin, and a Htlle but fierce cocked hat stuck 
with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. 
Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Head- 
strong ; and when be made a sudden halt, plant- 



HIS CHIVALRIC PORT. 79 

ed himself firmly on his solid supporter, with 
his wooden leg inlaid with silver, a little in ad- 
vance, in order to strengthen his position, his 
right hand grasping a gold headed cane, his left 
resting upon the pummel of his sword ; his head 
dressing spiritlj to the right, with a most ap- 
palHng and hard favoured frown upon his brow — 
he presented altogether one of the most com- 
manding, bitter-looking, and soldierlike figures 
that ever strutted upon canvass. Proceed we 
now to inquire the cause of this warlike prepa- 
ration. 

The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on 
the South, or Delaware river, has been duly re- 
corded in the chronicles of the reign of William 
the Testy. These encroachments having been 
endured with that heroic magnanimity, which is 
the corner stone of true courage, had been re- 
peated and wickedly aggravated. 

The Swedes, who were of that class of cun- 
ning pretenders to Christianity, who read the 
Bible upside down, whenever it interferes with 
tl^ir interests, inverted the golden maxim, and 
when their neighbour suffered them to smite him 
on the one cheek, they generally smote him on 
the other also, whether turned to them or not. 
Their repeated aggressions had been among the 
numerous sources of vexation, that conspired to 
keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft 



80 AGGRESSIONS or THE SWEDES. 

in a constant ferer, and it was only owing to the 
unfortunate circumstance, that he had always a 
hundred things to do at once, that he did not take 
such unrelenting vengeance as their offences 
merited. But they had now a chieftain of a dif- 
ferent character to deal with ; and they were 
soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw 
his honest blood in a ferment, and precluded all 
further sufferance. 

Printz, the governor of the province of New- 
Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for 
of this fact some uncertainty exists, was suc- 
ceeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and 
wh®, had he not been rather knock-kneed and 
splay-footed, might have served for the model 
of a Samson, or a Hercules. He was no less 
rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as 
he was rapacious ; so that, in fact, there is very 
little doubt, had he lived some four or five cen- 
turies before, he would have been one of those 
wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure 
in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding 
about the world, and locking them up in erm 
chanted castles, without a toilet, a change of 
linen, or any other convenience. — In conse- 
quence of whic"h enormities, they fell under the 
high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, 
and gallant knights were instructed to attack 
and slav outright any miscreant they might hap- 



RISINGH, THE SWEDISH GOVERNOR. 81 

pen to find, above six feet high ; which is doubt- 
less one reason that the race of large men is 
nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages 
so exceeding small. 

No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon 
his office, than he immediately cast his eyes 
upon the important post of Fort Casimir, and 
formed the righteous resolution of taking it into 
his possession. The only thing that reiKained to 
consider, was the mode of carrying his resolu- 
tion into effect ; and here I must do him the 
justice to say, that he exhibited a humanity 
rarely to be met with among leaders, and which 
I have never seen equalled in modern times, ex- 
cepting among the English, in their glorious 
affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effu- 
sion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, 
he benevolently shunned every thing like avow- 
ed hostility or regular siege, and resorted to the 
less glorious, but more merciful expedient of 
treachery. 

Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neigh- 
bourly visit to General Von Poffenburgh, at his 
new post of Fort Casimir, he made requisite 
preparation, sailed in great state up the Dela- 
ware, displayed his flag with the most ceremo- 
nious punctilio, and honoured the fortress with 
a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The 
uuusua noise awakened a veteran Dutch sen- 

VOL. II. 8 



82 HIS TREACHEROUS CONDUCT. 

tinel, who was napping faithfully at his post, 
and who having suffered his match to go out, 
contrived to return the compliment, hy dischar- 
ging his rusty musket with the spark of a pipe, 
which he borrowed from one of his comrades. 
The salute indeed would have been answered 
by the guns of the fort, had they not unfortu- 
nately been out of order, and the magazine de- 
ficient in ammunition — accidents to which forts 
have in all ages been liable, and which were the 
more excusable in the present instance, as Fort 
Casimir had only been erected about two years, 
and General Von PoUenburgh, its mighty com- 
mander, had been fully occupied with matters of 
much greater importance. 

Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous 
reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second, 
for he well knew its commander was marvel- 
lously delighted with these little ceremonials, 
which he considered as so many acts of homage 
paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great 
state, attended by a suite of thirty men — a pro- 
digious and vain glorious retinue, for a petty 
governor of a petty settlement, in those days 
of primitive simplicity ; and to the full as great 
an army as generally swells the pomp and march- 
es in the rear of our frontier commanders at the 
present day. 

The number in fact might have awakened 



VON POFFENBURGH'S EMBARRASSMENT. 83 

suspicion, had not the mind of the great Von 
Poflenburgh been so completely engrossed with 
an all pervading idea of himself, that he had not 
room to admit a thought besides. In fact, he 
considered the concourse of Risingh's followers 
as a compliment to himself — so apt are great 
men to stand between themselves and the sun, 
and completely eclipse the truth by their own 
shadow. 

It may readily be imagined how much General 
Von PofFenburgh was flattered by a visit from 
so august a personage ; his only embarrassment 
was, how he should receive him in such a man- 
ner as to appear to the greatest advantage, and 
make the most advantageous impression. The 
main guard was ordeJIfcd immediately to turn 
out, and the arms and regimentals (of which the 
garrison possessed full half a dozen suits) were 
equally distributed among the soldiers. One tall 
lank fellow appeared in a coat intended for a 
small man, the skirts of which reached a little 
below his waist, the buttons were between his 
shoulders, and the sleeves half way to his wrists, 
so that his hands looked like a couple of huge 
spades — and the coat not being large enough 
to meet in front, was linked together by loops, 
made of a pair of red worsted garters. Another 
had an old cocked hat stuck on the back of his 
head, and decorated with a bunch of cocks' tails 



^4 GARRISON OF FORT CASIMIR. 

— a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging 
about his heels — while a fourth, who was short 
and duck-legged, was equipped in a huge pair of 
{he general's cast off breeches, which he held up 
with one hand, while he grasped his firelock 
with the other. The rest wqi^ accoutred in 
similar style, excepting three graceless ragamuf- 
fms, who had no shirts, and but a pair and a half 
of breeches between them, w^herefore they were 
sent to the black hole, to keep them out of view. 
There is nothing in which the talents of a pru- 
dent commander are more completely testified, 
than in thus setting matters oif to the greatest 
advantage ; and it is for this reason that our 
frontier posts at the present day (that of Nia- 
gara for example) displ% their best suit of re- 
gimentals on the back of the sentinel who stands 
in sioht of travellers. 

o 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed — those 
who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pick- 
axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his 
shirt-tail and pull up his brogues. General Von 
Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foam- 
ing ale, which hke the magnanimous More of 
MorehalP was his invariable practice on all great 

* " as soon as he rose, 



To make him strong and miu'iity, 
lie drank by the tale, six pols of ale. 
And a quart of aqua vitae." 



MEETING OF THE TWO HEROES. 85 

occasions — which done he put himself at their 
head, ordered the pine planks, which served as a 
draw-bridge, to be laid down, and issued forth 
from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refresh- 
ed with wine. But when the two heroes met, 
then began a scene of warlike parade and chival- 
ric courtesy, that beggars all description. — Ri- 
singh, who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, 
cunning politician, and had grown gray much be- 
fore his time, in consequence of his craftiness, 
saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great 
Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all his 
valorous fantasies. 

Their detachments were accordingly drawn 
up in front of each other ; they carried arms, and 
they presented arms ; they gave the standing sa- 
lute and the passing salute — They rolled their 
drums, and flourished their fifes, and they waved 
their colours — they faced to the left, and they 
faced to the right, and they faced to the right 
about — They wheeled forward, and they wheel- 
ed backward, and they wheeled into echellon — 
They marched and they countermarched, by 
grand divisions, by single divisions, and l?y sub- 
divisions — by platoons, by sections, and by files 
— in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at 
all ; for. having gone through all the evolutions 
of two great armies, including the eighteen ma- 
noeuvres of Dundas, having exhausted all that 
8* 



86 SURVEY OF THE FORTIFICATIONS. 

they co'old recollect or imagine of military tac- 
tics, including sundry strange and irregular evo- 
lutions, the like of which were never seen before 
or since, excepting among certain of our newly 
raised militia, the two great commanders and 
their respective troops came at length to a dead 
halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war — 
Never did two valiant train-band captains, or two 
buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned trage- 
dies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroi- 
cal and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallows- 
looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons 
with more glory and self-admiration. 

These military compliments being finished, 
General Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious 
visiter, with great ceremony, into the fort ; at- 
tended him throughout the fortifications ; showed 
him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons, 
and various other outworks ; or rather the places 
where they ought to be erected ; and where they 
might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demon- 
strating that it was a place of " great capabili- 
ty," and though at present but a little redoubt, 
yet tha| it evidently was a formidable fortrei?s, in 
embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole 
garrison put under arms, exercised and review- 
ed, and concluded by ordering the three Bride- 
well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, 
brought up to the halberts, and soundly flogged, 



78 

for the amusement of his visiter, and to convince 
him that he was a great disciphnarian. 

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to 
be struck dumb outright, with the puissance oC 
the great Von Polfenburgh, took silent note of 
the incompetency of his garrison, of which he 
gave a hint to his trusty followers, who tipped 
each other the wink, and laughed most obstrepe- 
rously — in their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging being 
concluded, the party adjourned to the table ; for 
among his other great qualities, the general was 
remarkably addicted to huge entertainments, or 
rather carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign 
would leave more dead men on the field, than he' 
ever did in the whole course of his military ca- 
reer. Many bulletins of these blgodless victories 
do still remain on record ; and the whole pro- 
vince was once thrown in amaze by the return 
of one of his campaigns; wherein it was stated, 
that though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only 
twenty men to back him, yet in the short space 
of six months he had conquered and utterly an- 
nihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred 
sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one thousand bush- 
els of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins 
of small beer, two thousand seven hundred and 
thirty-five pipes, sevent} -eight pounds of sugar 
plumbs, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry 



88 VON POrrENBURGH'S BANQUET. 

small meats, game, poultry, and garden stuff: — 
An achievement unparalleled since the days of 
Pantagruel and his all-devouring army, and 
, which showed that it was only necessary to let 
belH-potent Von Poffenburgh and his garrison 
loose in an enemy's country, and in a httle 
while they would breed a famine, and starve all 
the inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received 
the first intimation of the visit of Governor Ri- 
singh, than he ordered a great dinner to be pre- 
pared; and privately sent out a detachment of 
his most experienced veterans, to rob all the 
hen-roosts in the neighbourhood, and lay the 
pig-sties under contribution; a service to which 
they had been long inured, and which they dis- 
charged with such incredible zeal and prompti- 
tude, that the garrison table groaned under the 
weight of their spoils. 

1 wish, with all my heart, my readers could 
see the valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided 
at the head of the banquet ; it was a sight worth 
beholding : — there he sat, in his greatest glory, 
surrounded by his soldiers, like that famous wine- 
bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did 
most ably imitate — telling astounding stories of 
his hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits, 
at which, though all his auditors knew them to be 
most incontinent and outrageous gasconadoes, 
yet did they cast up their eyes in admiration. 



KAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR. 89 

and utter many interjections of astonishment. 
Nor could the general pronounce any thing that 
bore the remotest semblance to a joke, but the 
stout Rinsingh would strike his brawny fist upon 
the table till every glass rattled again, throwing 
himself back in the chair, and uttered gigantic 
peals of laughter, swearing most horribly it was 
the best joke he ever heard in his life. — Thus 
all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal 
within Fort Casimir, and so lustily did Von Pof- 
fenburgh ply the bottle, than in less than four 
short hours he made himself, and his whole gar- 
rison, who all seduously emulated the deeds of 
their chieftain, dead drunk, and singing songs, 
quaffing bumpers, and drinking patrio*tic toasts, 
none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedi- 
gree or a plea in chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass, than 
the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cun- 
ningly kept themselves sober, rose on their en- 
tertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took 
formal possession of the fort, and all its depen- 
dencies, in the name of Queen Christina of 
Sweden : administering at the same time an oath 
of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who could 
be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh 
then put the fortifications in order, appointed 
his discreet and vigilant friend, Suen Scutz, a 
tall, wind-dried, water-drinkaig Swede, to the 



so TRANSPORTATION OF THE GARRISON. 

command, and departed, bearing with him this 
truly amiable garrison, and their puissant com- 
mander ; who when brought to himself by a 
sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance to a 
"deboshedfish," or bloated sea-monster, caught 
upon dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done 
to prevent the transmission of intelligence to 
New-Amsterdam; for as much as the cunning 
Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he dreaded 
the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuy vesant ; 
whose name spread as much terror in the neigh- 
bourhood as did whilom that of the unconquer- 
able Scanderbeg among his scurvy enemies the 
Turks. 



FEMININE ClUALITIES OF FAME. 91 



CHAPTER 11. 

Showing how profound secrets are often brought 
to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the 
Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes 
of General Von Poffenburgh. 

Whoever first described common fame, or 
rumour, as belonging to the sager sex, was a ve- 
ry owl for shrewdness. She has, in truth, cer- 
tain feminine quahties to an astonishing degree; 
particularly that benevolent anxiety to take 
care of the affairs of others, which keeps her con- 
tinually hunting after secrets, and gadding about 
proclaiming them. Whatever is done openly and 
in the face of the world, she takes but transient 
notice of, but whenever a transaction is done in 
a corner, and attempted to be shrouded in mys- 
tery, then her goddess-ship is at her wit's end to 
find it out, and takes a most mischievous and 
lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity that indu- 
ces her continually to be prying into cabinets 
of princes, listening at the key holes of senate 
chambers, and peering through chinks and cran- 



92 HISTORY OF DIRK SCHUILER. 

nies, when our worthy Congress are sitting with 
closed doors, dehberating between a dozen ex- 
cellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this 
which makes her so obnoxious to all wary states- 
men and intriguing commanders^ — such a stum- 
bling block to private negotiations and secret 
expeditions ; which she often betrays, by means 
and instruments which never would have been 
thought of by any but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort 
Casimir. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagin- 
ed, that by securing the garrison he should for 
a long time prevent the history of its fate from 
reaching the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ; but 
his exploit was blown to the world when he least 
expected it, and by one of the last beings he 
would ever have suspected of enlisting as trum.- 
peter to the wide-mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler, (or Skulker,) a kind 
of hanger-on to the garrison ; who seemed to be- 
long to nobody, and in a manner to be self out- 
lawed. He was one of those vagabond cosmopo- 
lites, who shark about the world as if they had 
no right or business in it, and vAio infest the skirts 
of society like poachers and interlopers. Every 
garrison and country village has one or more 
scape goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of 
enigma, whose existence is wittiout motive, who 
comes from the Lord knows where, who lives Ih*^^ 



HIS PERSON DESCRIBED. 93 

Lord knows how, and seems to be made for no 
other earthly purpose but to keep up the ancient 
and honourable order of idleness. — This vagrant 
philosopher was supposed to have some Indian 
blood in his veins, which was manifested by a 
certain Indian complexion and cast of counte- 
nance ; but more especially by his propensities 
and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of 
foot and long-winded. He was generally equip- 
ped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and 
moccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows 
locks, about his ears, and added not a little to his 
sharking demeanour. It is an old remark, that 
persons of Indian mixture are half civilized, half 
savage, and half devil, a third half being express- 
ly provided for their particular convenience. It 
is for similar reasons, and probably with equal 
truth, that the back-wood-men of Kentucky are 
styled half man, half horse, and half alligator, by 
the settlers on the Mississippi, and held accord- 
ingly in great respect and abhorrence. 

The above character may have presented 
itself to the garrison as applicable to Dirk 
Schuiler, >yhom they familiarly dubbed Gallows 
Dirk. Certain it is, he acknowledged allegiance 
to no one — was an utter enemy to work, holding 
it in no manner of estimation — but lounged 
about the fort, depending upon chance for a sub- 
sistence, getting drunk whenever he could get 

VOL. II. 9 



94 FAMILIARLY TERMED GALLOWS X)IRK. 

liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay his 
hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get 
a sound rib-roasting for some of his misdemean- 
ours, which, however, as it broke no bones, he 
made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat 
the offence, whenever another opportunity pre- 
sented. Sometimes in consequence of some fla- 
grant villany, he would abscond from the garri- 
son, and be absent for a month at a time ; skulk- 
ing about the woods and swamps, with a long 
fowling piece on his shoulder, laying in ambush 
for game — or squatting himself down on the 
edge of a pond catching fish for hours together, 
and bearing no little resemblance to that notable 
bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he thought 
his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he 
would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of 
skins, or a bunch of poultry, which perchance 
he had stolen, and would exchange them for 
liquor, with which, having well soaked his car- 
cass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy a!l the 
luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher 
Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm- 
yards in the country, into which he made fear- 
ful inroads ; and sometimes he would make his 
sudden appearance at the garrison at day break, 
with the whole neighbourhood at his heels, hke 
a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his ma- 
raudin2;s and hunted to his hole. Such was this 



HIS MANNER OF LIFE. 95 

Dirk Schiiiler; and from the total indilTerence 
he showed to the world or its concerns, and 
from his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, 
no one would ever have dreamt that he would 
have heen the publisher of the tieachery of 
Risingh. 

When the carousril was going on, vrhich proved 
so fatal to the brave Von Poflx^nbiirgh and his 
w^atchful garrison, Dirk skulked about fromroom 
to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or 
useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But 
though a fellow of few wor4s, yet like your ta- 
citurn people, his eyes and ears were alvv^ays 
open, and in the course of his prowhngs he over- 
heard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk im- 
mediately settled in his own mind how he should 
turn the matter to his own advantage. He play- 
ed the perfect jack-of-both-sides — that is to say, 
he made a prize of every thing that cam 3 in his 
reach, robbed both parties, stuck the copper 
bound cocked hat of the puissant Von PolFcn- 
burgh on his head, whipped a huge pair of Ri- 
singh's jack boots under his arms, and took to his 
heels, just before the catastrophe and confusion 
at the garrison. 

Finding himself comjiletely dislodged from 
his haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight 
towards his native place. New- Amsterdam, from 
whence he had formerly been ol)lip;ed to abscond 



96 HIS FLIGHT TO NEW-AMSTERDAM. 

precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in 
business — that is to say> having been detected 
in the act of sheep steaHng. After wandering 
many days in the woods, toihng through swamps, 
fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and 
encountering a world of hardships, that would 
have killed any other being but an Indian, a 
back-wood-man, or the devil, he at length arri- 
ved, half famished, and^ank as a starved weazel, 
at Communipaw, where he stole a canoe and 
paddled over to New- Amsterdam. Immediately 
on landing, he repai^pd to Governor Stuyvesant, 
and in more words than he had ever spoken be- 
fore in the whole course of his life, gave an ac- 
count of the disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant 
Peter started from his seat — dashed the pipe 
he was smoking against the back of the chimney 
— thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco into his 
left cheek — pulled up his galligaskins and strode 
up and down the room, humming, as was cus- 
tomary with him when in a passion, a hideous 
north-west ditty. But, as 1 have before shown, he 
was not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapour- 
ing. His first measure after the paroxysm of 
v/rath had subsided, was to stump up stairs, to 
a huge wooden chest, which served as his ar- 
moury, from whence he drew forth that identical 
suit of regimentals described in the preceding 



PETER PREPAI^ FOR ACTION. 1)/ 

chapter. In these portentous habiUments he ar- 
rayed himself, hke Achilles, in the armour of 
Vulcan, maintaining all the while a most appal- 
ling silence, knitting his brows, and drawing his 
breath through his clenched teeth. Being hastily 
equipped, he strode down into the parlour, jerk- 
ed down his trusty sword, from over the fire- 
place, where it was usually suspended ; but be- 
fore he girded it on his thigh he drew it from its 
scabbard, and as his eye coursed along the rusty 
blade, a grim smile stole over his iron visage — 
It was the first smile that had^'isited his counte- 
nance for five long weeks ; but every one who 
beheld it, prophesied that there would soon be 
warm work in the province ! 

Thus armed at all points, with gri^y war 
depicted in each feature, his very cocked hat 
assuming an air of uncommon defiance, he in- 
stantly put himself upon the alert, and despatch- 
ed Antony Van Corlear hither and thither, this 
way and that way, through all the muddy streets 
and crooked lanes of the city, summoning by ' 
sound of trumpet his trusty peers to assemble 
^in instant council. — This done, by Vay of ex- 
pediting matters, according to the custom of 
people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, 
shifting from chair to chair, popping his head 
out of every window, and stumping up and 
down stairs with his wooden leg in such brisk 
9* 



^8 HE SUMMON^ COUNCIL. 

and incessant motion, that, as we are informecl 
by an authentic historian of the times, the con- 
tinual clatter bore no small resemblance to the 
music of a cooper hooping a flour barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man 
of the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled 
with ; the sages forthwith repaired to the council 
chamber, seated themselves with the utmost 
tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed 
with unruffled composure on his excellency and 
his regimentals ; being, as all counsellors should 
be, not easily flustered, or taken by surprise. 
The governor, looking around for a moment 
with a lofty and soldierlike air, and resting one 
hand on the pummel of his sword, and flinging 
the other forth, in a free and spirited manner, 
addressed them in a short, but soul stirring ha- 
rangue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the ad- 
vantages of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and 
others of my predecessors, who were furnished, 
as I am told, with the speeches of all their great 
emperors, generals, and orators, taken down in 
short hand,%y the most accurate stenographer&| 
of the time ; whereby they were enabled wonder- 
fully to enrich their histories, and delight their 
readers with sublime strains of eloquence. Not 
having such important auxiliaries, I cannot pos- 
sibly pronounce what was the tenor of Governor 



SPEECHES OF ANCIENT HEROES. 99 

Stuy vesant's speech. I am bold, however, to say, 
from the tenor of his character, that he did not 
wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, 
and other sickly trickeries of phrase ; but spoke 
forth, like a man of nerve and vigour, who 
scorned to shrink in words, from those dangers 
which be stood ready to encounter in very deed. 
This much is certain, that he concluded by an- 
nouncing his determination of leading on his 
troops in person, and routing these costard- 
monger .Swedes from their usurped quarters at 
Fort Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such of 
his council as were awake gave their usual signal 
of concurrence, and as to the rest, who had fal- 
len asleep about the middle of the harangue, 
(their " usual custom in the afternoon") — they 
made not the least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New- 
Amsterdam, a prodigious bustle and preparation 
for iron war. Recruiting parties marched hither 
and thither, calling lustily upon all the scrubs, 
the runagates, and tatterdemalions of the Man- 
hattoes and Ijts vicinity, who had any ambition 
of sixpence a day, and immortal fame into the 
bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory. For I 
would have you note that your warlike heroes 
who trudge in the rear of conquerors, are general- 
ly of that illustrious class of gentlemen, who are 
equal candidates for the army or the bridewell 



100 PETER ASCENDS THE HUDSON. 

— the halberts or the whipping post — for whom 
darne Fortune has cast an even die, whether 
the}' shall make their exit by the sword or the 
halter — and w^hose deaths shall, at all events, be 
a lofty example to their countrymen. 

But notwithstanding all this martial rout and 
invitation, the ranks of honour were but scantily 
supplied ; so averse w^ere the peaceful burghers 
of New-Amsterdam from enlisting in foreign 
broils, or stirring beyond that home wdiich 
rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding 
this, the great Peter, w^hose noble heart w as all 
on fire with war and sweet revenge, determined 
to wait no longer for the tardy assistance of 
these oily citizens, but to muster up his merry 
men of the Hudson ; who, brought up among 
woods and wilds and savage beasts, like our 
yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so 
much as desperate adventures and perilous ex- 
peditions through the wilderness. Thus resolv- 
ing, he ordered his trusty squire, Antony Van 
Corlear, to have his state galley prepared and 
duly victualled ; which being performed, he at- 
tended public service at the great Cnurch of St. 
Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and 
then leaving peremptory orders with his council 
to have the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshall- 
ed out and appointed against his return, departed 
upon his recruiting voyage, up the waters of the 
Hudson. 



DESCRIPTION OF HIS GALLEY. 101 



CHAPTER III. 

Containing Peter Stuyvesant^s voyage up the 
Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that 
renowned river. 

Now did the soft breezes of the south steal 
sweetly over the beauteous face of nature, tem- 
pering the panting heats of summer into genial 
and prolific warmth : when that miracle of har- 
dihood and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter 
Stuyvesant, spread his canvass to the wind, and 
departed from the fair island of Mannahata. 
The galley in which he embarked was sumptu- 
ously adorned with pendants and streamers of 
gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gayly in the wind, 
or drooped their ends in the bosom of the stream. 
The bow and poop of this majestic vessel were 
gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion, 
with figures of little pursy Cupids with periwigs 
on their heads, and bearing in their hands gar- 
lands of flowers, the like of which are not to be 
found in any book of botany; being the match- 
less flowers which flourished in the golden age, 
and exist no longer, unless it be in the imagina- 
tions of ingenious carvers of wood and discoiourr 
ers of canvass. 



102 VOYAGE UP THE HUDSON. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the 
state of the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, 
did the galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth 
upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson 5 which, 
as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, seemed 
to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if 
conscious of the illustrious burthen it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the 
scene presented to the contemplation of the crew, 
from that which may be witnessed at this degene- 
rate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned 
on the borders of this mighty river — the hand 
of cultivation had not as yet laid down the dark 
forests, and tamed the features of the land- 
scape — nor had the frequent sail of commerce 
yet broken in upon the profound and awful soli- 
tude of ages. Here and there might be seen a 
rude wigwam perched among the cliffs of the 
mountains, with its curling column of smoke 
mounting in the transparent atmosphere — but so 
loftily situated that the whoopings of the savage 
children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy 
heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear, as do 
the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure vault 
of heaven. Now and then from the beetling brow 
of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would 
look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as 
it passed below; and then, tossing his branching 
antlers in the air, would bound away into the 
thickets of the forest. 



DELIftHTFUL SCENERY. 103 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel 
of Peter Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt 
the bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which 
spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from 
the waves unto the heavens ; and were fashioned, 
if traditions may be beheved, in times long past, 
by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his fa- 
vourite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mor- 
tals. Now did they career it gayly across the vast 
expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide extended 
shores present a vast variety of delectable sce- 
nery — here the bold promontory, crov/ned with 
embowering trees, advancing into the bay — there 
the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the 
shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the 
upland precipice — while at a distance a long 
waving line of rocky heights threw their gigan- 
tic shades across the water. Now would they; 
pass where some modest little interval, open- 
ing among these stupendous scenes, yet retreat- 
ing as it were for protection into the embraces 
of the neighbouring mountains, displayed a ru- 
ral paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral 
beauties ; the veivet-tufted lawn — the bushy 
coj)se — the tinkling rivulet, stealing through 
the fresh and vivid verdure — on whose banks 
was situated some little Indian village, or per- 
adventure, the rude cabin of some sohtary hun- 
ter. 



104 GRANDEUR GF SUNSET. 

The different periods of the revolving daj 
seemed each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a 
different charm over the scene. Now would the 
jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blaz- 
ing from the summits of the hills and sparkling 
the landscape with a thousand dewy gems ; while 
along the borders of the river were seen heavj 
masses of mist, which like midnight caitiffs, 
disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish re- 
treat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the moun- 
tains. At such times all was brightness and life 
and gayety — the atmosphere seemed of an inde- 
scribable pureness and transparency — the birds 
broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the fresh- 
ening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her 
course. But when the sun sunk amid a flood of 
glory in the west, mantling the heavens and the 
earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes — then all 
was calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late 
swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast — 
the seamen with folded arms leaned against the 
shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing wlijch 
the sober grandeur of nature commands in the 
rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the 
Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflecting 
the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting 
that now and then a bark canoe would steal 
across its surface, filled with painted savages, 
whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance 



A TWILIGHT SCENE. 105 

a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon 
them from the western mountains.^ 

But when the hour of twilight spread its magic 
mists around, then did the face of nature assume 
a thousand fugitive charms, which to the worthy 
heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works 
of its Maker are inexpressibly captivating. The 
mellow dubious light that prevailed, just served 
to tinge with illusive colours, the softened fea- 
tures of the scenery. The deceived but delight- 
ed eye sought vainly to discern in the broad 
masses of shade, the separating line between the 
land and water ; or to distinguish the fading ob- 
jects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did 
the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, 
producing with industrious craft a fairy creation 
of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren 
I'ocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the 
semblance of lofty towers and high embattled 
castles — trees assumed the direful forms of mighty 
giants, and the inaccessible summits of the moun- 
tains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy 
beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of 
an innumerable variety of insects which hlled the 
air with a strange but not inharmonious con- 
cert — while ever and anon was heard the melan- 
« holy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who, perch- 
ed on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night 

VOL. I J. 10 



106 AWFUL DEFILES. 

with his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed 
into a hallowed melancholy, listened with pen- 
sive stillness to catch and distinguish each sound 
that vaguely echoed from the shore— now and 
then startled perchance by the whoop of some 
straggling savage or the dreary howl of a wolf, 
stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, 
until they entered upon those awful defiles de- 
nominated THE HIGHLANDS, whcrc it would sccm 
that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their 
impious war with heaven, piling up clitfs on cliffs, 
and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. 
But in sooth very different is the history of these 
cloud-capt mountains. — These in ancient days, 
before the Hudson poured his waters from the 
lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose 
rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined 
the rebellious spirits who repined at his controul. 
Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in 
rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, 
they groaned for many an age. — At length the 
conquering Hudson, in his irresistible career to- 
wards the ocean, burst open their prison house, 
rolling his tide triumphantly through its stupen- 
dous ruins. 

Still, however, do many of them lurk about 
their old abodes ; and these it is, according to 
venerable le2;ends, that cause the echoes which 



PUNISHMENT OF BRIMSTONES. 107 

resound throughout these awful soHtucles ; which 
are nothing but their angry clamours when any 
noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. 
For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
when tlie winds are up and the thunder rolls, 
then horrible is the yelling and howling of these 
troubled spirits, making the mountains to re- 
bellow with their hideous uproar ; for at such 
times it is said, that they think the great Ma- 
netho is returning once more to plunge them in 
gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable 
captivit}'. *- 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were 
lost upon the gallant Stuyvesant ; naught occu- 
pied his mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud 
anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither 
did his honest crew trouble their vacant heads 
Avith any romantic speculations of the kind. 
The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, 
thinking of nothing either past, present, or. to 
come — those of his comrades who were not in- 
dustriously snoring under the hatches were lis- 
tening with open mouths to Antony Van Corlear; 
who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them 
the marvellous history of those myriads of fire 
flies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon 
the dusky robe of night. These, according to 
tradition, were originally a race of pestilent 
sempiternous beldames, who peopled these parts 



108 VAN CORLEAR KILLS A STURGEON 

long before the memory of man ; being of that 
abominated race emphatically called ^nW^owe^; 
and who for their innumerable sins against the 
children of men, and to furnish an awful warn- 
ing to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest 
the earth in the shape of these threatening and 
terrible little bugs; enduring the internal tor- 
ments of that fire, which they formerly carried 
in their hearts and breathed forth in their words ; 
but now are sentenced to bear about for ever — 
in their tails. 

And now am I going to tell a fact, which I 
doubt much my readers will hesitate to beUeve ; 
but if they do, they are welcome not to beheve 
a word in this whole history, for nothing which 
it contains is more true. It must heJcnown then 
that the nose of Antony the trumpeter was of a 
very lusty size, strutting boldly from his counte- 
nance like a mountain of Golconda ; being sump- 
tuously bedecked with rubies and other precious 
stones — the true regalia of a king of good fellows, 
which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it 
heartily at the flaggon. Now thus it happened, 
ihat bright and early in the morning, the good 
Antony having washed his burly visage, was 
leaning over the quarter railing of the galley, 
contemplating it in the glassy wave below — -just 
at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking in all 
his splendour from behind one of the high bluffs 



By the reflection of his nose. 109 

of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent 
beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sound- 
er of brass — the reflection of which shot straight- 
way down, hissing hot, into the water, and killed 
a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside the 
vessel ! This huge monster being with infinite 
labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious 
repast to all the crew, being accounted of excel- 
lent flavour, excepting about the wound, where it 
smacked a little of brimstone — and this, on my 
veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon w^as 
eaten in these parts by Christian people.* 

When this astonishing miracle came to be made 
known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of 
the unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, 
marvelled exceedingly ; and as a monument 
thereof, he gave the name of Antonyms J^ose to a 
stout promontory in the neighbourhood — and it 
has continued to be called Antony's Nose ever 
since that time. 

But hold — Whither am I wandering ? — By the 
mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter 
Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make 
an end, for never was there a voyage so fraught 

* The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating- of the coun- 
try about Albany, in a letter which was written some time 
after the settlement thereof, says, " There is in the river 
great plenty of Sturgeon, which we CJjristians do not 
make use of; but the Indians eat them grcedilie." 
10* 



HO PETER IN THE CARE OF ST. NICHOLAS. 

with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abound- 
ing with transcendent beauties, worthy of being 
severally recorded. Even now I have it on the 
point of my pen to relate, how his crew were 
most horribly frightened, on going on shore above 
the highlands, by a gang of merry, roistering 
devils, frisking and curvetting on a huge flat 
rock, which projected into the river — and which 
is called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very 
day. — But no ! Diedrich Knickerbocker — it be- 
comes thee not to idle thus in thy historic way- 
faring. 

Recollect that while dwelling with the fond 
garrulity of age over these fairy scenes, endear- 
ed to thee by the recollections of thy youth, and 
the charms of a thousand legendary tales which 
beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood ; recol- 
lect that thou art trifling with those fleeting mo- 
ments which should be devoted to loftier themes. 
— Is not Time — relentless Time ! — shaking, with 
palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour glass 
before thee ? — hasten then to pursue thy weary 
task, lest the last sands be run, ere thou hast 
finished thy history of the Manhattoes. 

Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his 
brave galley, and his loyal crew to the protection 
of the blessed St. Nicholas ; who I have no doubt 
will prosper him in his voyage, while we await 
his return at the great city of New- Amsterdam. 



WARRIORS COMPOSING THE GRAND ARMY 1 1 1 



CHAPTER IV. 

Describing the powerful army that assembled at 
the city of New-Amsterdam — together with the 
interview between Peter the Headstrong^ and 
General Von Poffenburgh^ and Peter^s senti- 
ments touching unfortunate great men. 

While thus the enterprising Peter was coast- 
ing, with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly 
Hudson, and arousing all the phlegmatic little 
Dutch settlements upon its borders, a great and 
puissant concourse of warriors was assembling 
at the city of New-Amsterdam. And here that 
invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, is more than commonly particular ; 
by which means I am enabled to record the il- 
lustrious host that encamped itself in the public 
square in front of the fort, at present denomina- 
ted the Bowling Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of 
the men of battle of the Manhattoes, who being 
the inmates of the metropolis, composed the life 
guards of the governor. These were commanded 
by the vahant StotFel BrinkerhofF, who whilom 
had acquried such immortal fame at Oyster Bay 
— they displayed as a standard, a beaver ram- 



112 STANDARDS OF THE CAPTAINS. 

pa7it on a field of orange ; being the arms of the 
province, and denoting the persevering industry, 
and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.* 
On their right hand might be seen the vassals 
of that renowned Mynheer, Michael Paw,t Avho 
lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pavo- 
nia, and the lands away south, even unto the 
Navesink mountains,! and was moreover patroon 
of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his 
trusty squire, Cornehus Van Vorst; consisting 
of a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green 
field 5 being the armorial bearings of his favour- 
ite metropolis, Communipaw. He brought to the 
camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, 
being each clad in ten pair of hnsey woolsey 
breeches, and overshadowed by broad brimmed 

* This was likewise the great seal of the New-Nether- 
lands, as may still be seen in ancient records. 

f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have 
found mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another 
manuscript, which says: " De Heer (or the squire) Mi- 
chael Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug-. 1630, by 
deed purchased Staten Island. N. B. The same Michael 
Paw had wliat the Dutch call a colonic atParonia, on the 
Jersey shore, opposite New-York, and his overseer in 
1636, was named Corns. Van Vorst — a person of the 
same name in 1769 owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm 
at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst." 

I So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inha- 
bited these parts — at present they are erroneously deno- 
mrnated the Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. 



* 
THE SUYDAMS AND THE VAN DAMS. 113 

beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat- 
bands. These were the men who vegetated in 
the mud along the shores of Pavonia ; being of 
the race of genuine copperheads, and were fa- 
bled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a httle distance was encamped the tribe 
of warriors who came from the neighbourhood of 
Hell-Gate. These were commanded by the Suy 
Dams, and the Van Dams, incontinent hard 
swearers, as their names betoken — they were 
terrible looking fellows, clad in broad skirted 
gaberdines, of that curious coloured cloth called 
thunder and lightning — and bore as a standard 
three Devil's-darning-needles, volant, in a flame- 
coloured field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle 
from the marshy borders of the Waale-Boght* 
and the country thereabouts — these were of a 
sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, 
which abound in these parts. They were the 
first institutors of that honourable order of 
knighthood, called Fly market shirks, and, if 
tradition speak true, did likewise introduce the 
far-famed step in dancing, called " double trou- 
ble." They were commanded by the fearless 
Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had moreover a jol- 

* Since corrupted into the Wallahout; the bay where 
tlie Navy Yard is situated. 



114 PETER RECOGNISED. 

\y band of Breuckelen* ferry-men, who perform- 
ed a brave concerto on conch shells. 

Bat I refrain from pursuing this minute de- 
scription, which goes on to describe the warriors 
of Bloemen dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, 
and sundry other places, well known in history 
and song — for now does the sound of martial 
music alarm the people of New-Amsterdam, 
sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. 
But this alarm was in a little while relieved, 
for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, 
they recognized the brimstone coloured breeches, 
and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, 
glaring in the sunbeams ; and beheld him ap- 
proaching at the head of a formidable army, 
which he had mustered along the banks of the 
Hudson. And here the excellent, but anonymous 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out 
into a brave and glorious description of the 
forces, as they defiled through the principal gate 
of the city, that stood by the head of Wall- 
street. 

First of all came the Van Bummels, who in- 
habit the pleasant borders of the Bronx — These 
were short fat men, wearing exceeding large 
trunk breeciies, and are renowned for feats of 
the trencher — they were the first inventors of 
suppawn or mush and milk — Close in their rear 

■^ Now spelt Brooklyn. 



VAN VLOTENS, VAN PELTS AND VAN NESTS. 115 

marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaatskill, most 
horrible quaffers of new cider, and arrant brag- 
garts in their liquor — After them came the Van, 
Pelts, of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, 
mounted upon goodly switch tailed steeds of the 
Esopus breed — these were mighty hunters of 
minks and musk rats, whence came the w^ord Pel- 
try — Then the Van Nests of Kinderhook, valiant 
robbers of birds' nests, as their name denotes 5 
to these, if report may be believed, are we in- 
debted for the invention of slap jacks, or buck- 
wheat cakes. — Then the Van Higginbottoms, of 
Wapping- s creek ; these came armed with ferules 
and birchen rods, being a race of schoolmasters, 
who first discovered the marvellous sympathy be- 
tween the seat of honour and the seat of intel- 
lect — and that the shortest w^ay to get know^- 
ledge into the head, was to hammer it into the 
bottom. — Then the Van Grolls, of Antony's 
Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round lit- 
tle pottles, by reason they could not bouse it 
out of their canteens, having such rare long noses. 
Tiien the Gardeniers, of Hudson and there- 
abouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, 
such as robbing water melon patches, smoking 
rabbits out of their holes, and the like ; and by 
being great iJvers of roasted pig's tails ; these 
were the ancestors of the renowned congress- 
man of that name. — Then the Van Hoesens, of 



116 VAN HOESENS AND VAN BUNSCHOTENS. 

Sing-Sing, great choristers and players upon the 
jews harp ; these marched two and two, singing 
the great song of St. Nicholas. — Then the 
Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow, these gave birth 
to a jolly race of publicans, who first discover- 
ed the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of 
wine into a pint bottle. — Then the Van Kort- 
landts, who lived on the wild banks of the Cro- 
ton, and were great killers of wild ducks, being 
much spoken of for their skill in shooting with 
the long bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of 
Nyack and Kakiat, who w^ere the first that did 
ever kick with the left foot ; they were gallant 
bush-whackers and hunters of racoons by moon- 
light. — Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, 
potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running 
of horses, and running up of scores at taverns ; 
they were the first that ever winked with both 
eyes at once. — Lastly came the Knicker- 
bockers of the greattown of Schaghtikoke, where 
the folk lay stones upon the houses in windy 
weather, lest they should be blown away. These 
derive their name, as some say, from Knicker^ 
to shak*, and Beker, a goblet, indicating there- 
by that they were sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but 
in truth, it was derived from Knicker, to nod, 
and Boeken, books *, plainly meaning that they 
w^ere great nodders or dosers over books — from 
them did descend the writer of this history. 



RETURN OF VON POFFENBURGM. 117 

. Such was the legion of sturdy bush beaters 
that poured in at the grand gate of New-Am- 
sterdam ; the Stuyvesant manuscript indeed 
speaks of many more, whose names I omit to 
mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to 
matters of greater moment. Nothing could sur- 
pass the joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted 
Peter, as he reviewed this mighty host of warri- 
ors, and he determined no longer to defer the 
gratification of his much wished for revenge, up- 
on the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatch- 
able events, which will be found in the sequel of 
this faithful history, let me pause to notice the 
fate of Jacobus Von Potfenburgh, the discomfited 
commander in chief of the armies of the New- 
Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitable- 
ness of human nature, that scarcely did the news 
become pubhc of his deplorable discomfiture at 
Fort Casimir, than a thousand scurvy rumours 
were set afloat in New-Amsterdam, wherein it 
was insinuated, that he had in reality a treache- 
rous understanding with the Swedish commander; 
that he had long been in the practice of privately 
communicating with the Swedes ; together with 
divers hints about "secret service money" — To 
all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
credit than 1 think they deserve. 
- Certain it is, that the general vindicated his 

VOL. II. ]) 



118 HIS VALOROUS VAPGURI.VGS. 

character by the most vehement oaths and pro- 
testations, and put every man out of the ranks of 
honour who dared to doubt his integrity. More- 
over, on returning to New-Amsterdam, he para- 
ded up and down the streets with a crew of hard 
swearers at his heels — sturdy bottle companions, 
whom he gorged and fattened, and who were 
ready to bolster him through all the courts of 
justice — Heroes of his own kidney, fierce-whis- 
kered, broad-shouldered, colbrand-looking swag- 
gerers — not one of whom but looked as though 
he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with 
the horns. These life-guard men quarrelled all 
his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, 
and scowled at every man that turned up his 
nose at the general, as though they would devour 
him alive. Their conversation was interspersed 
with oaths like minute guns, and every bombas- 
tic rodomontado was rounded oft by a thundering 
execration, like a patriotic toast hono^U'ed with 
a discharge of artillery. 

All these valorous vapourings had a considera- 
ble effect in convincing certain profound sages, 
many of whom began to think the general a hero 
of unutterable loftiness and magnanimity of soul, 
particularly as he was continually protesting on 
the honour of a soldier — a marvellously high 
sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the members 
of the council went so far as to propose they 



Peter's advice to him, 119 

should immortalize him by an imperishable sta- 
tue o( plaster of Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not 
thus to be deceived. — Sending privately for the 
commander in chief of all the armies, and having 
heard all his story, garnished with the customary 
pious oaths, protestations, and ejaculations — 
'* Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by your 
own account you are the most brave, uprj^K, 
and honourable man in the whole province, yet 
do you lie under the misfortune of being damna- 
bly traduced, and immeasurably despised. Now 
though it is certainly hard to punish a man for 
his misfortunes, and though it is very possible 
you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to 
your charge, yet as heaven, at present, doubtless 
for some wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all 
proofs of your innocence, far be it from me to 
counteract its sovereign will. Besides, I cannot 
consent to venture my armies with a commander 
whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of 
my people to a champion whom they distrust. 
Retire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome 
toils and cares of public life, with this comforting 
reflection — that if guilty, you arc but enjoying 
your just reward — and if innocent, you are not 
the first great and good man who has most 
wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in 
this wicked world — doubtless to be better treat- 



120 A CONCLUSIVE HINT. 

ed in a better world, where there shall be neither 
error, calumny, nor persecution. In the mean 
time let me never see your face again, for I have 
a horrible antipathy to the countenances of un- 
fortunate great men like yourself." 



THE author's discourse. 121 



CHAPTER V. 

In which the Author discourses very ingeniously 
of himself, — After which is to be found much 
interesting history about Peter the Headstrong 
and his followers. 

As my readers and myself are about entering 
on as many perils as ever a confederacy of 
meddlesome knights-errant wilfully ran their 
heads into, it is meet that, like those hardy ad- 
venturers, we should join hands, bury all dif-- 
ferences, and swear to stand by one another, 
in weal or wo, to the end of the enterprize. My 
readers must doubtless perceive, how complete- 
ly I have altered my tone and deportment, since 
we first set out together. I warrant they then 
thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little 
son of a Dutchman ; for I scarcely ever gave 
them a civil word, nor so much as touched my 
beaver, when 1 had occasion to address them. 
But as we jogged along together, in the high- 
road of my history, I gradually began to relax, 
to grow more courteous, and occasionally to 
enter into famiUar discourse, until at length I 
came to conceive a most social, companionable, 
kind regard for them. This is just my way — 
11* 



i22 THE author's ingenious 

I am always a little cold and reserved at first, 
particularly to people whom 1 neither know nor 
care for, and am only to be completely won by 
long intimacy. 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to 
the crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances, that 
flocked around me at my first appearance ? Ma- 
ny were merely attracted by a new face ; and 
having stared me full in the title page, walked 
off without saying a word ; while others lingered 
yawnipgly through the preface, and having gra- 
tified their shortlived curiosity, soon dropped 
off one by one. But more especially to try their 
mettle, 1 had recourse to an expedient, similar 
to one which we are told w^as used by that 
peerless flower of chivalry, king Arthur ; who, 
before he admitted any knight to his intimacy, 
first required that he should show himself supe- 
rior to danger or hardships, by encountering 
unheard-of mishaps, slaying some dozen giants, 
vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a 
w^ord of dwarfs, hyppogriifs, and fiery dragons. 
On a similar principle, I cunningly led my read- 
ers, at the first sally, into two or three knotty 
chapters, where they were mo^t wofully bela- 
boured and buflTeted, by a host of pagan philo- 
sophers and infidel writers. Though naturally a 
very grave man, yet could I scarce refrain from 
smiling outright at seeing the utter confusion 



DISCOURSE OF HIMSELF. 12S 

and dismay of my valiant cavaliers — some drop- 
ped down dead (asleep) on the field*, others threw 
down my book in the middle of the first chapter, 
took to their heels, and never ceased scampering 
until they had fairly run it out of sight; when 
they stopped to take breath, to tell their friends 
what troubles they had undergone, and to warn 
all others from venturing on so thankless an ex- 
pedition. Every page thinned my ranks more 
and more ; and of the vast multitude that first 
set out, but a comparatively few made shift to 
survive, in exceedingly battered condition, 
through the five introductory chapters. 

What, then ! would you have had me take such 
sunshine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom 
at our first acquaintance ? No — no ; I reserved 
my friendship for those who deserved it, for 
those who undauntedly bore me company, in de- 
spite of difficultiies, dangers, and fatigues. And 
now, as to those who adhere to me at present, I 
take them aflTectionately by the hand — Worthy 
and thrice beloved readers! brave an|||(veil-tried 
comrades! who have faithfully followj^d my foot- 
steps through all my wanderings — 1 salute you 
from my heart — I pledge myself to stand by you 
to the last ; and to conduct you (so heaven speed 
this trusty weapon which 1 now hold between 
my fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our 
stupendous undertaking. 



224 VAN corlear's trumpet sounds. 

But hark! while we are thus talking, the city 
of New-Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of 
warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are 
striking their tents ; the brazen trumpet of An- 
tony Van Corlear makes the welkin to resound 
with portentous clangour — the drums beat— 
the standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, 
and of Michael Paw wave proudly in the air. 
And now behold where the mariners are busily 
employed hoisting the sails of yon topsail schoo- 
ner, and those clump-built sloops, which are 
to waft the army of the Nederlanders to gather 
immortal honours on the Delaware ! 

The entire population of the city, man, woman, 
and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of 
New- Amsterdam, as it paraded the streets pre- 
vious to embarkation. Many a handkerchief was 
waved out at the windows ; many a fair nose was 
blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful oc- 
casion. The grief of the fair dames and beaute- 
ous damsels of Grenada could not have been 
more vo(iBbrous on the banishment of the gal- 
lant tribe pf Abencerrages, than was that of the 
kind-hearted fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the 
departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love- 
sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her 
hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts — many 
a copper ring was exchanged and crooked six- 
pence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy — 



THE EXPEDITION SAILS. 125 

and there remain extant to this day some love 
verses written on that occasion, sufficiently crab- 
bed and incomprehensible to confound the whole 
universe. 

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom 
lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony 
Van Corlear — for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, 
lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a 
desperate rogue among the women. Fain would 
they have kept him to comfort them while the 
army was away; for besides what I have said 
of him, it is no more than justice to add, that 
he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his bene- 
volent attentions in comforting disconsolate 
wives during the absence of their husbands — 
and this made him to be very much regarded by 
the honest burghers of the city. But nothing 
could keep the valiant Antony from following 
the heels of the old governor, whom he loved aa 
he did his very soul — so embracing all the young 
vrouws, and giving every one of them that had 
good teeth and rosy lips, a dozen hearty smacks, 
he departed loaded with their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter 
among the least causes of public distress. Though 
the old governor was by no means indulgent to 
the folhes and waywardness of his subjects, yet 
some how or other he had become strangely 
popular among the people. There is something 



126 POPULARITY OF PETER. 

SO captivating in personal bravery, that, with the 
common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of 
most other merits. The simple folk of New- 
Amsterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a 
prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy 
of his martial encounters, was regarded with 
reverence and admiration. Every old burgher 
had a budget of miraculous stories to tell about 
the exploits of Hardkopping Piet, wherewith he 
regaled his children of a long winter night ; and 
on which he dwelt with as much delight and ex- 
aggeration, as do our honest country yeomea on 
the hardy adventures of old General Putnam (or 
as he is familiarly termed. Old Put) during our 
glorious revolution — Not an individual but verily 
believed "the old governor was a match for Bel- 
zebub himself; and there w^as even a story told, 
with great mystery, and under the rose, of his 
having shot the devil with a silver bullet one 
dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe 
through Hell-gate — But this I do not record as 
being an absolute fact — perish the man who 
would let fall a drop to discolour the pure stream 
of history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New-Am- 
sterdam but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a 
tower of strength, and rested satisfied that the 
public welfare was secure so long as he was in 
the city. It is not surprising then that they looked 



HIS PATRIARCHAL ADDRESS. 127 

upon his departure as a sore affliction. With 
heavy hearts they dragged at the heels of his 
trc^op, as they marched down to the river side to 
embark. The governor from the stern of his 
schooner gave a short, but truly patriarchal ad- 
dress to his citizens ; wherein he recommended 
them to comport like loyal and peaceable sub- 
jects — to go to church regularly on Sundays, and 
to mind their business all the week besides — 
That the women should be dutiful and aifection- 
ate to their husbands — looking after nobody's 
concerns bat their own : eschewing all gossip- 
pings and morning gaddings — and carrying short 
tongues and long petticoats. That the men 
should abstain from intermeddling in public con- 
cerns, entrusting the cares of government to the 
oflicers appointed to support them — staying at 
home, like good citizens, making money for 
themselves, and getting children for the benefit 
of their country. That the burgomasters should 
look well to the public interest — not oppressing 
the poor, nor indulging the rich — not tasking 
their security to devise new la^ws, but faithfully 
enforcing those which were already made — 
rather bending their attention to prevent evil 
than to punish it; ever recollecting that civil 
magistrates should consider themselves more as 
guardians of public morals, than rat catchers em- 
ployed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, 



158 FINAL DEPARTURE OF THE ARMADA, 

he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, 
rich and poor, to conduct themselves as well as 
they could ; asssuring them that if they faithfully 
and conscientiously comphed with this golden 
rule, there was no danger but that they would 
all conduct themselves well enough. — This done, 
he gave them a paternal benediction ; the sturdy 
Antony sounded a most loving farewell with his 
trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout of tri- 
umph, and the invincible armada swept off proud- 
ly down the bay. 

The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded 
down to the battery — that blest resort, from 
whence so many a tender prayer has been wafted, 
so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful 
look been cast by love-sick damsel, after the les- 
sening bark, bearing her adventurous swain to 
distant climes ; — Here the populace watched 
with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it 
slowly floated down the bay, and when the inter- 
vening land at the Narrows shut it from their 
sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues 
and downcast countenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling 
city — The honest burghers smoked their pipes in 
profound thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful 
look to the weather cock, on the church of Saint 
Nicholas; and all the old women, having no long- 
er the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten 



IT ARRIVES IN THE DELAWARE. 129 

them, gathered their children home, and barri- 
cadoed the doors and windows every evening at 
sun down. 

In the mean while the armada of the sturdy 
Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and 
after encountering about as many storms, and 
water spouts, and whales, and other horrors and 
phenomena, as generally befal adventurous lands- 
men, in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after 
undergoing a severe scouring from that deplora- 
ble and unpitied malady called sea sickness, the 
whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor and 
giving his wearied ships time to breathe after 
labouring so long in the ocean, the intrepid Peter 
pursued his course up the Delaware, and made 
a sudden appearance before Fort Casimir.— 
Having summoned the astonished garrison by a 
territic blast from the trumpet of the long-winded 
Van Corlear, he demand'ed in a tone of thunder, 
an instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, 
Suen Scutz, the wind-dried commandant, replied 
in a shrill, whiffling voice, which, by reason of 
his extreme spareness, sounded like the wind 
whistling through a broken bellows — " that he 
had no very strong reasons for refusing, except 
that the demand was particularly disagreeable, 
as he had been ordered to maintain his post to 
the last extremity.'' He requested time, there- 

VOL. IT. 12 



130 PETER ATTACKS FORT CASIMIR. 

fore, to consult with Governor Risingh, and pro- 
posed a truce for that purpose. 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his 
rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, 
and thus pertinaciously withheld, refused the 
proposed armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. 
Nicholas, which like the sacred tire was never 
extinguished, that unless the fort were surren- 
dered in ten minutes, he would incontinently 
storm the works, make all the garrison run the 
gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a com- 
mander like a pickled shad. To give this menace 
the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, 
and shook it at them with such a fierce and 
vigorous motion, that doubtless if it had not been 
exceeding rusty, it would have lightened terror 
into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then 
ordered his men to bring a broadside to bear up- 
on the fort, consisting of two swivels, three mus- 
kets, a long duck fowling piece, and two brace of 
horse pistols. 

In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear mar- 
shalled all his forces, and commenced his war- 
like operations. — Distending his cheeks like a 
very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging 
of his trumpet — the lusty choristers of Sing-Sing 
broke forth into a hideous song of battle — the 
warriors of Breuckelen and the Wallabout blew 
a potent and astounding blast on their conch 



THE GARRISON CAPITULATE. 131 

shells, altogether forming as outrageous a con- 
certo as though five thousand French orchestras 
were displaying their skill in a modern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war thus 
suddenly presented, smote the garrison with 
sore dismay — or whether the concluding terms 
of the summons, which mentioned that he should 
surrender " at discretion" were mistaken by 
Suen Scutz, who though a Swede, was a very 
considerate easy tempered man — as a compli- 
ment to his discretion, I will not take upon me 
to say ; certain it is, he found it impossible to 
resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly, in 
the very nick of time, just as the cabin boy had 
gone after a coal of fire, to discharge the swivel, 
a chamade was beat on the rampart, by the only 
drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction 
of both parties ; who, notwithstanding their great 
stomach for fighting, had full as good an inclina- 
tion to eat a quiet dinner, as to exchange black 
eyes and bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more 
return to the domination of their High Mighti- 
nesses ; Scutz and his garrison of twenty men 
were allowed to march out with the honours of 
war, and the victorious Peter, who was as gene- 
rous as brave, permitted them to keep possession 
of all their arms and ammunition — the same on 
inspection being found totally unfit for service, 



132 FACTIOUS COUNSELLORS. 

having long rusted in the magazine of the for- 
tress, even before it was wrested by the Swedes 
from the magnanimous, but windy Von Polfen- 
burgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the 
governor was so well pleased with the services 
of his faithful squire Van Corlear, in the reduc- 
tion of this great fortress, that he made hino on 
the spot lord of a goodly domain in the vicinity 
of New-Amsterdam — which goes by the name of 
Corlear's Hook unto this very day. 

The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuy- 
vesant towards the Swedes, occasioned great 
surprise in the city of New- Amsterdam — nay, 
certain of those factious individuals, who had 
been enlightened by the political meetings that 
prevailed during the days of William the Testy, 
but who had not dared to indulge their meddle- 
some habits, under the eye of their present ruler, 
now emboldened by his absence, dared even 
to give vent to their censures in the street. 
Murmurs were heard in the very council cham- 
ber of New-Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing 
whether they would not have broken out into 
downright speeches and invectives, had not Peter 
Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking staff, 
to be laid as a mace on the table of the council 
chamber, in the midst of his counsellors ; who, 
like wise men, took the hint, and for ever after 
held their peace. 



A CORPORATION SIMILE. 133 



CHAPTER VI. 

Shozving the great advantage that the author has 
over his reader in time of battle — together with 
divers portentous movements ; which betoken 
that something terrible is about to happen. 

Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corpo- 
ration feast the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes 
his palate, feels his impatient appetite but ten 
fold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous at- 
tacks upon the turc^cn, while his voracious eyes, 
projecting from his head, roll greedily round, de- 
vouring every thing at table — so did the mettle- 
some Peter Stuyvesant feel that intolerable hun- 
ger for martial glory, which raged within his very 
bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir, 
and nothing could allay it but the conquest of all 
New-Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he se- 
cured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely, 
on, flushed with success, to gather fresh laurels at 
Fort Christina.* 

This was the grand Swedish post, established 

* This is at present a flourishing' town called Christiana, 
or Christeen, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, 
on the post road to Baltimore. 

12* 



134 ALWAYS PAUSE BEFORE A BATTLE, 

on a small river (or as it is improperly termedy 
creek) of the same name ; aiid here that craftj 
Governor Jan Risingh lay grimly drawn up, like 
a gray-bearded spider in the citadel of his web. 

But before we hurry into the direful scenes 
that must attend the meeting of two such potent 
chieftains, it is advisable that we pause for a mo- 
ment, and hold a kind of warhke council. Battles 
should not be rushed into precipitately by the 
historian and his readers, any more than by the 
general and his soldiers. The great commanders 
of antiquity never engaged the enemy, without 
previously preparing the minds of their followers 
by animating harangues; spiriting them up to 
heroic feelings, assuring them of the protection 
of the gods, and inspiring them with a confidence 
in the prowess of their leaders. So the historian^ 
should awaken the attention and enlist the pas- 
sions of his readers, and having set them all on 
lire with the importance of his subject, he should 
put himself at their head, flourish his pen, and 
lead them on to the thickest of the fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be 
seen in that mirror of historians, the immortal 
Thucydides. Having arrived at the breaking out 
of the Peloponnesian war, one of his commenta- 
tors observes, that "he sounds the charge in all the 
•• disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues 
•• the allies on both sides. He awakens our ex- 



ADVANTAGE OF HISTORIANS OVER READERS. 135 

" pectations, and fast engages our attention. All 
" mankind are concerned in the important point 
" now going to be decided. Endeavours are made 
*' to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interest- 
*' ed in the dispute. The earth totters, and na- 
" ture seems to labour with the great event. This 
" is his solemn sublime manner of setting out. 
" Thus he magnifies a war between two, as Ra- 
" pin styles them, petty states ^ and thus artfully 
" he supports a little subject by treating it in a 
" great and noble method." 

In hke manner, having conducted my readers 
into the very teeth of peril — having followed the 
adventurous Peter and his band into foreign re- 
gions — surrounded by foes, and stunned by the 
horrid din of arms — at this important moment, 
while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming 
chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and 
prepare them for the events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage 
which, as the historian, I possess over my reader; 
and this it is, that though I cannot save the life 
of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict 
the event of a battle, (both which liberties, though 
often taken by the French writers of the present 
reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scru- 
pulous historian,) yet I can now and then make 
him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back stroke 
sufficient to fell a giant ; though in honest truth, 



IS6 PRIVILEGE OF HISTORIAN'S. 

he may never have done any thing of the kind — 
or I can drive his antagonist clear round and 
round the field, as did Homer make that fine 
fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the 
walls of Tro}' ; for which, if ever they have en- 
countered one another in the Elysian fields, I'll 
warrant the prince of poets has had to make the 
most humhle apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers 
will be ready to cry out '^ foul play !" whenever 
1 render a little assistance to my hero — but I 
consider it one of those privileges exercised by 
historians of all ages — and one which has never 
been disputed. In fact, an historian is, as it were, 
bound in honour to stand by his hero — the fame 
of the latter is entrusted to his hands, and it is 
his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was 
there a general, an admiral, or any other com- 
mander, who, in giving an account of aay battle 
he had fought, did not sorely belabour the enemy; 
and I have no doubt that, had my heroes written 
the history of their own achievements, they 
would have dealt much harder blows than any 
that I shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, 
as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to 
do them the same justice they would have done 
themselves ; and if I happen to be a little hard 
upon the Swedes, I give free leave to any of 
their descendants, who may write a history of 



STAND BY FOR BROKEN MEADS. 137 

the State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, 
and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they 
please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and 
bloody noses ! — my pen hath long itched for a 
battle — siege after siege have I carried on with- 
out blows or bloodshed ; but now I have at length 
got a chance, and I vow to heaven and St. Ni- 
cholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say 
what they please, neither Sallast, Livy, Tacitus, 
Polybius, nor any other historian, did ever record 
a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant 
chieftains are now about to engage. 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, 
for your faithful adherence, I could cherish in 
the warmest corner of my heart — be not un- 
easy — trust the fate of our favourite Stuyvesant 
to me — for by the rood, come what may, I'll 
stick by Hard-kopping Piet to the last; Pll make 
him drive about these losels vile, as did the re- 
nowned Launcelot of the lake, a herd of recreant 
Coraish Knights — and if he does fall, let me 
never draw my pen to fight another battle, in 
behalf of a brave man, if 1 dont make these 
lubberly Swedes pay for it. 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before 
fort Christina than he proceeded without delay 
to intrelich himself, and immediately on running 
his first parallel, despatched Antony Van Coriear 



1 38 VAN CORLEAR SUMMONS FORT CHRISTINA. 

to summon the fortress to surrender. VanCorlear 
was received with all due formality, hoodwinked 
at the portal, and conducted through a pesti- 
ferous smell of salt fish and onions, to the citadel, 
a substantial hut built of pine logs. His ejes 
were here uncovered, and he found himself in 
the august presence of Governor Risingh. This 
chieftain, as 1 have before noted, was a very 
giantly man ; and was clad in a coarse blue coat, 
strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, 
which caused the enormous skirts and pockets 
to set off with a very warlike sweep. His pon- 
derous legs were cased in a pair of foxy coloured 
jack boots, and he was straddhng in the attitude 
of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of broken 
looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously 
dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him 
to make a series of horrible grimaces, that 
heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his 
visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being an- 
nounced, the grim commander paused for a 
moment, in the midst of one of his most hard 
favoured contortions, and after eyeing him 
askance over the shoulder, with a kind of snarl- 
ing grin on his countenance, resumed his labours 
at the glass* 

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned 
once more to the trumpeter, and demanded the 
purport of his errand. Antony Van Corlear de- 



INTERVIEW WITH GOVERNOR RISINGH. 139 

livered in a few words, being a kind of short 
hand speaker, a long message from his excel- 
lency, recounting the whole history of the pro- 
vince, with a recapitulation of grievances, and 
enumeration of claims, and concluding with a 
peremptory demand of instant surrender 5 which 
done, he turned aside, took his nose between his 
thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous blast, 
not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance 
— which it had doubtless learned from a long 
intimate neighbourhood with that melodious in- 
strument. 

Governor Ri?ingh heard him through, trumpet 
and all, but with infinite impatience ; leaning at 
times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel 
of his sword, and at times twirhng a huge steel 
watch chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear 
having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter 
Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the 

D 1, whither he hoped to send him and his 

crew of raggamufiins before supper time. Then 
unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing 
away the scabbard — " Fore gad," quod he, "but 
I will not sheathe thee again, until I make a 
scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern hide of 
this runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a 
fierce defiance in the teeth of his adversary, bj 
the lips of his messenger, the latter was recon- 
ducted to the portal, with all the ceremonious 



140 MURMUR AM9NGST THE TROOPS. 

civility due to the trumpeter, squire and am- 
bassador of so great a commander, and being 
again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with 
a tweak of the nose, to assist him in recollecting 
his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this 
insolent reply, than he let fly a tremendous volley 
of red hot execrations, that would infalHbly have 
battered down the fortifications, and blown up 
the powder magazine about the ears of the fiery 
Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably 
strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving 
that the works withstood this terrific blast, and 
that it was utterly impossible (as it really was 
in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war 
with words, he ordered his merry men all to 
prepare for an immediate assault. But here a 
strange murmur broke out among his troops, be- 
ginning with the tribe of the Van Bummels, those 
vahant trencher men of the Bronx, and spreading 
from man to man, accompanied with certain 
mutinous looks and discontented murmurs. For 
once in his life, and only for once, did the great 
Peter turn pale, for he verily thought his warriors 
were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial, 
and thus tarnish for ever the fame of the pro- 
vince of New-Nederlands. 

But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that 
in this suspicion he deeply wronged this most 



DINNER BEFORE TflE BATTLE. 141 

nndaunted army ; for the cause of this agitation 
and uneasiness simply was, that the hour of din- 
ner was at hand, and it would have almost bro- 
ken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors, 
to have broken in upon the invariable routine of 
their habits. Besides, it was an estabhshed rule 
among our valiant ancestors, always to fight upon 
a full stomach, and to tins may be doubtless at- 
tributed the circumstance that they came to be 
so renowned in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, 
and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily en- 
gaged under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the 
contents of their wallets, and taking such affec- 
tionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, as 
though they verily believed they were to be the 
last. And as I foresee we shall have hot work in 
a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same, 
for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a 
close; giving them my word of honour, that no 
advantage shall be taken of this armistice, to sur- 
prise, or in any wise molest, the honest Ncder- 
landers. while at their vigorous repast. 



VOL. II. 13 



142 EXPECTATION ON STILTS. 



CHAPTER VII. 

Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded 
in poetry or prose ^ xoith the admirable exploits 
of Peter the Headstrong, 

*' Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge re- 
past," and finding themselves wonderfully en- 
couraged and animated thereby, prepared to 
take the field. Expectation, says the writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript — Expectation now 
«tood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, 
or rather stood still, that it might witness the 
affray ; like a fat round-bellied alderman, watch- 
ing the combat of twp chivalric flies upon his 
jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such 
cases, were turned upon Fort Christina. The 
sun, like a little man in a crowed, at a puppet 
show, scampered about the heavens, popping his 
head here and there, and endeavouring to get a 
peep between the unmannerly clouds that ob- 
truded themselves in his way. The historians 
filled their inkhorns^ — the poets went without 
their dinners, either that they might buy paper 
and goose-quills, or because they could not get 
any thing to eat — antiquity scowled sulkily out 
of its grave, to see itself outdone — while even 



CbNDUCTCJF THE HEATHEN DEITIES. 143 

posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of 
retrospection, on the eventful field. 

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen 
service at the " affair" of Troy — now mounted 
their feather-bed clouds, and sailed over the 
plain, or mingled among the combatants in dif- 
ferent disguises, all itching to have a finger in 
the pie. Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a 
noted coppersmith, to have it furbished up for 
the direful occasion. Venus swore by her chas- 
tity she'd patronize the Swedes, and in semblance 
of a blear-eyed trull, paraded the battlements 
of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, as a 
sergeant's widow, of cracked reputation. — The 
noted bully, Mars, stuck two horse pistols into 
his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallant- 
ly swaggered at their elbow as a drunken corpo- 
ral — while Apollo trudged in their rear, as a 
bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously out 
of tunc. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had 
gained a pair of black eyes over night, in one of 
her curtain lectures with old Jupiter, displayed 
her haughty beauties on a baggage waggon — Mi- 
nerva, as a brawny gin suttler, tucked up her 
skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most heroi- 
cally, in exceeding bad Dutch, (having but lately 
studied the language) by way of keeping up the 
spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as a 



144 RISfNGH AND PETER. 

club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a 
captain of militia. All was silent horror, or 
bustling preparation ; war reared his horrid front, 
gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful 
crest of bristling bayonets. 

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out 
their hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a 
thousand rocks — incrusted with stockades and 
entrenched to the chin in mud batteries. His 
valiant soldiery lined the breast work in grim ar- 
ray, each having his mustachios fiercely greased, 
and his hair pomatomed back, and queued so 
stiffly, that he grinned above the ramparts like 
a grizzly death's head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter — his brows 
knit, his teeth set, his fists clenched, almost 
breathing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was 
the fire that raged within his bosom. His faithful 
squire, Van Corlear, trudged vahantly at his 
heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with 
red and yellow ribbands, the remembrances of 
his fair mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then 
came waddling on the sturdy chivalry of the 
Hudson. There were the Van Wycks, and the 
Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks — the Van Nes- 
scs, the Van Tassels, the Van Grolls, the .Van 
Hossens, the Van Giesons, and the Van Blar- 
coms — The Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the 
Van Dams ; the Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and 



MARSHALLING OF THE HOSTS. 145 

tile Van Brunts. — There were the Van Homes, 
the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens ; the Van 
Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bum- 
mels — The Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, 
the Vander Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander 
Pools, and the Vander Spiegels — There came the 
HofFmans, the Hooghlands, the Hoppers, the 
Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Djckmans, the 
Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the 
Quackenbosses, theRoerbacks, the Garrebrantzs, 
the Bensons, the Brouwers, the Waldrons, the 
Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the Schermer- 
horns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the 
Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hockstras- 
ers, the Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Breech- 
eses, with a host more of worthies, whose names 
are too crabbed to be written, or if they could be 
written, it would be impossible for man to utter 
— all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use 
the words of a great Dutch poet, 

— " Brimful of wrath and cabbage !" 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the 
midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, 
addressed his troops in eloquent Low Dutch, ex- 
horting them to fight like dity-vels^ and assuring 
them that if they conquered, they should get 
plenty of booty — if they fell they should be 
allowed the unparalleled satisfaction, while 
13* 



dying, of reflecting that it was in the service of 
their country — and after they were dead, of 
seeing their names inscribed in the temple of re- 
nown, and handed down, in company with all the 
other great men of the year, for the admiration 
of posterity. — Finally, he swore to them, on the 
word of a governor, (and they knew him too 
well to doubt it for a moment) that if he caught 
any mother's son of them looking pale, or playing 
craven, he'd curry his hide till he made him run 
out of it hke a snake in spring time. — Then 
lugging out his trusty sabre, he brandished it 
three times over his head, ordered Van Corlear 
to sound a tremendous charge, and shouting the 
word " St. Nicholas and the Manhattoes !" 
courageously dashed forwards. His warlike fol- 
lowers, who had employed the interval in light- 
ing their pipes, instantly stuck them in their 
mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gal- 
lantly, under cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning^ 
Risingh not to tire until they could distinguish 
the whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in 
horrid silence on the covert-way, until the eager 
Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then did 
they pour into them such a tremendous volley, 
that the verry hills quaked around, and were 
terrified even unto an incontinence of water, in- 
somuch that certain springs burst forth from their 



TERRIFIG ONSET. 147 

sides, which continue to run unto the present 
day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten the 
dust, beneath that dreadful fire, had not the pro- 
tecting Minerva kindly taken care that the 
Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual 
custom of shutting their eyes and turning away 
their heads, at the moment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping 
the counterscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon 
the foe, with furious outcries. And now might be 
seen prodigies of valour, of which neither history 
nor song have ever recorded a parallel. Here 
was beheld the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff brand- 
ishing his lusty quarter-staff, like the terrible 
giant Blanderon his oak tree, (for he scorned to 
carry any other weapon,) and drumming a hor- 
rific tune upon the heads of whole squadrons of 
Swedes. There were the crafty Van Kortlandts, 
posted at a distance, like the Locrian archers of 
yore, and plying it most potently with the long 
bow, for which they were so justly renowned. 
At another place were collected on a rising knoll 
the valiant men of Sing-Sing, who assisted mar- 
vellously in the fight, by chanting forth the 
great song of St. Nicholas ; but as to the Gar- 
deniers of Hudson, they were absent from the 
battle, having been sent out on a marauding 
party, to lay waste the neighbouring water melon 
patches. In a different part of the field might be 



148 THE COMBAT THICKENS. 

seen the Van Grolls of Anthony's nose ; but they 
were horribly perplexed in a defile between two 
little hills, by reason of the length of their noses. 
There were the Van Bunschotens of Nyack and 
Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with the left 
foot, but their skill availed them little at present 
being short of wind in consequence of the hearty 
dinner they had eaten, and they would irre- 
trievably have been put to rout, had they not 
been reinforced by a gallant corps of Voltigeurs^ 
composed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their 
assistance nimbly on one foot. Nor must I omit 
to mention the incomparable achievements of 
Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of 
an hour, waged stubborn fight with a little pursy 
Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most 
magnificently; and had he not come into the 
battle with no other weapon but his trumpet, 
would infallibly have put him to an untimely end. 
But now the combat thickened — on came the 
mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting 
men of the Wallabout; after them thundered the 
Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van 
Rippers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all 
before them — then the Suy Dams and the Van 
Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering 
oath, at the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, 
clad in their thunder and lightning gaberdines ; 
and lastly, the standard bearers and body guards 



SUFFERINGS OF NATURE. 14^ 

of Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the great beaver of 
the Manhattoes, 

And now commenced the horrid din, the 
desperate struggle, the maddening ferocity, the 
frantic desperation, the confusion and self 
abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede 
commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The 
heavens were darkened with a tempest of 
missives. Bang! went the guns — whack! struck 
the broad swords — thump ! went the cudgels — 
crash ! went the musket stocks — blows — kicks — 
cuffs — scratches — black eyes and bloody noseS 
swelling the horrors of the scene! Thick-thwack> 
cut and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy^ 
hurley-burley, head over heels, rough and tum- 
ble ! Dunder and bhxum ! swore the Dutch- 
men — splitter and splutter ! cried the Swedes — 
Storm the works ! shouted Hardkopping Peter — 
fire the mine! roared stout Risingh — Tanta-ra-ra- 
ra ! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear 
— until all voice and sound became unintelligible 
— grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of 
triumph commingling in one hideous clamour. 
The earth shook as if struck with a paralytic 
stroke — Trees shrunk aghast, and withered at 
the sight — Rocks burrowed in the ground like 
rabbits, and even Christina Creek turned from 
its course, aiM ran up a mountain in breathless 
terror ! 



150 ADVANCE GF MICHAEL PAW. 

Long hung the conquest doubtful, for though a 
heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-com- 
pelhng Jove," in some measure cooled their 
ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown on a 
group of fighting mastiffs, 3 et did they but pause 
for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the 
charge, belabouring each other with black and 
bloody bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a 
vast and dense column of smoke, slowly rolhng 
towards the scene of battle, which for a while 
made even the furious combatants to stay their 
arms in mute astonishment — but the wind for a 
moment dispersing the murky cloud, from the 
midst thereof emerged the flaunting banner of 
the immortal Michael Paw. This noble chieftain 
came fearlessly on, leading a sohd phalanx of 
oyster-fed Pavonians, who had remained behind, 
partly as a corps de reserve, and partly to digest 
the enormous dinner they had eaten. These 
sturdy yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge 
manfully forward, smoking their pipes with out- 
rageous vigour, so as to raise the awful cloud 
that has been mentioned ; but marching exceed- 
ingly slow, being short of leg, and of great ro- 
tundity in the belt. 

And now the protecting deities of the army 
of New-Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left 
the field and stept into a negh^uring tavern 
to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a dire- 



DESTRUCTION OP TOBAecO PIPES. 151 

ful catastrophe had well nigh chanced to befal 
the Nederlanders. Scarcely had the myrmidons 
of the puissant Paw attained the front of battle, 
before the Swedes, instructed by the cunning 
Risingh, levelled a shower of blows full at their 
tobacco pipes. Astounded at this unexpected 
assault, and totally discomfited at seeing their 
pipes broken, the valiant Dutchmen fell in vast 
confusion — already they begin to fly — like a 
frightened drove of unwieldy elephants they 
throw their own army in an uproar, bearing 
down a whole legion of little Hoppers — the 
sacred banner on which is blazoned the gigantic 
oyster of Communipaw is trampled in the dirt 
— The Swedes pluck up new spirits, and press- 
ing on their rear, apply their feet a 'parte poste, 
with a vigour that prodigiously accelerates their 
motions — nor doth the renowned Paw himself 
fail to receive divers grievous and dishonourable 
visitations of shoe leather ! 

But what, Oh muse ! — was the rage of the 
gallant Peter, when from afar he saw his army 
yield ? With a voice of thunder did he roar after 
his recreant warriors. The men of the Manhat- 
toes plucked up new courage when they heard 
their leader — or rather they dreaded his fierce 
displeasure, of which they stood in more awe 
than of all the Swedes in Christendom — but the 
daring Peter, not waiting for their aid, plunged, 



152 HEROIC VALOUR OF PETER. 

sword in hand, into the thickest of the foe Then 
did he display some such incredible achieve- 
ments as have never been known since the 
miraculous days of the giants. Wherever he 
went the enemy shrunk before him — with fierce 
impetuosity he pushed forward, driving the 
Swedes, like dogs, into their own ditch — but ae 
he fearlessly advanced, the foe thronged in his 
rear, and hung upon his flank with fearful peril. 
One crafty Swede, advancing w arily on one side, 
drove his dastard sword full at the hero's heart ; 
but the protecting power that watches over the 
safety of all great and good men, turned aside 
the hostile blade, and directed it to a side pocket, 
where reposed an enormous iron tobacco box, 
endowed, like the shield of Achilles, with super- 
natural powers — no doubt in consequence of its 
being piously decorated with a portrait of the 
blessed St. Nicholas. Thus was the dreadful 
blow repelled, but not without occasioning to 
the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 

Like as a furious bear, when gored by curs, 
turns fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and 
springs upon the foe, so did our hero turn upon 
the treacherous Swede. The miserable variet 
sought in flight for safety — but th'e active Peter, 
seizing him by an immeasurable queue, that 
dangled from his head — " Ah, Whoreson Cater- 
pillar!" roared he, "here is what shall make 



RISINGH JOINS THE FIGHT. 153 

dog's meat of thee !" So saying, he whirled his 
trusty sword, and made a blow that would have 
decapitated him, but that the pitying steel struck 
short, and shaved the queue for ever from his 
crown. At this very moment a cunning arque- 
busier, perched on the summit of a neighbour- 
ing mound, levelled his deadly instrument, and 
would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant a wail- 
ing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore — had not 
the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to 
tie up her garter, saw the great peril of her 
favourite chief, and despatched old Boreas with 
his bellows ; who, in the very nick of time, just 
as the match descended to the pan, gave such a 
lucky blast, as blew all the priming from the 
touch hole ! 

Thus waged the horrid fight — when the stout 
Risingh surveying the battle from the top of a 
httle ravelin, perceived his faithful troops bang- 
ed, beaten, and kicked by the invincible Peter. 
Language cannot describe the choler with which 
he was seized at the sight — he only stopped for 
a moment to disburthen himself of five thousand 
anathemas ; and then drawing his immeasurable 
falchion, straddled down to the field of combat, 
with gome such thundering strides as Jupiter 
is said by Hesiod to hav-e taken when he strode 
down the spheres, to hurl his thunderbolts at 
the Titans. 

VOL. li. 14 



154 HIS DREADFUL COMBAT WITH PETERr 

No sooner did these two rival heroes come 
face to face than they each made a prodigious 
start, such as is made by your most experienced 
stage champions. Then did they regard each 
other for a moment, with bitter aspect, hke two 
furious ram cats, on the very point of a clapper- 
clawing. Then did they throw themselves in one 
attitude, then in another, striking their swords 
on the ground, first on the right side, then on 
the left, at last at it they went with incredible 
ferocity. Words cannot tell the prodigies of 
strength and valour displayed on this direful 
encounter — an encounter, compared to which 
the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of 
Eneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, 
Guy of Warwick with Col brand the Dane, or 
of that renowned Welsh Knight, Sir Owen o( 
the Mountains with the giant Guylon, were all 
gentle sports and holiday recreations. At length 
the valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aim- 
ed a fearful blow, with the full intention of 
cleaving his adversary to the very chine; but 
Risingh nimbly raising his sword, warded it oiF 
so narrowly, that glancing on one side, it shaved 
away a huge canteen that he alwa}s carried 
swung on one side ; thence pursuing its tren- 
chant course, it severed off a deep coat pocket, 
stored with bread and cheese — all which dain- 
ties rolling among the armies, occasioned a fear- 



Peter's fall, and what broke it. loo 

ful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutch- 
men, and made the general battle to wax ten 
times more furious than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores thus wo- 
fully laid waste, the stout Risingh collecting all 
his forces, aimed a mighty blow full at the 
hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little cocked 
hat oppose its course ; the biting steel cloVe 
through the stubborn ram beaver, and would in- 
fallibly have cracked his crown, but that the 
scull was of such adamantine hardness, that the 
brittle weapon shivered into pieces, shedding a 
thousand sparks, like beams of glory, round his 
grizly visage. 

Stunned with the blow the valiant Peter reel- 
ed, turned up his eyes, and beheld fifty thousand 
suns, besides moons and stars, dancing about 
the firmament — at. length, missing his footing, b> 
reason of his wooden leg, down he came, on his 
seat of honour, with a crash that shook the sur- 
rounding hills, and would infalhbly have wreck- 
ed his anatomical system, had he not been re- 
ceived into a cushion softer than velvet, which 
Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some 
kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his 
reception. 

The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble 
maxim, cherished by all true knights, that " fair 
play is a jewel," hastened to take advantage of 



156 RETORT Oy RISINGH. 

the hero's fall ; but just as he was stooping to 
give the fatal blow, the ever vigilant Peter be- 
stowed him a sturdy thwack over the sconce 
with his wooden leg, that set some dozen chimes 
of bells ringing triple bob-majors in his cerebel- 
lum. The bewildered Swede staggered with the 
blow, and in the mean time the wary Peter, 
espying a pocket pistol lying hard by, (which had 
dropped from the wallet of his faithful squire 
and trumpeter, Van Corlear during his furious 
encounter with the drummer,) discharged it full 
at the head of the reeling Risingh — Let not my 
reader mistake — it was not a murderous weapon 
loaded with powder and ball, but a little sturdy 
stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a dou- 
ble dram of true 'Dutch courage, which the 
knowing Van Corlear always carried about him 
by way of replenishing his valour. The hideous 
missive sung through the air, and true to its 
course, as was the mighty fragment of a rock dis- 
charged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered 
the huge head of the gigantic Swede with match- 
less violence. 

This heaven-directed blow decided the event- 
ful battle. The ponderous pericranium of Gene- 
ral Jan Risingh sunk upon his breast ; his knees 
tottered under him ; a deathlike torpor seized 
upon his giant frame, and he tumbled to the 
earth with such tremendous violence, that old 



PALL OF FORT CHRISTINA, 157 

Pluto started with affright, lest he should have 
broken through the roof of his infernal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory — 
The Swedes gave way — the Dutch pressed for- 
ward ; the former took to their heels, the latter 
hotly pursued — Some entered with them, pell 
mell, through the sally port — others stormed the 
bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. 
Thus in a little while the impregnable fortress 
of Fort Christina, which like another Troy had 
stood a siege of full ten hours, was finally 
carried by assault, without the loss of a single 
man on either side. Victory, in the likeness of a 
gigantic ox fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat 
of the gallant Stuyvesant, and it was universally- 
declared, b}' all the writers whom he hired to 
write the history of his expedition, that on this 
memorable day he gained a sufficient quantity 
of glory to immortalize a dozen of the greatest 
heroes in Christendom ! 



14. 



158 OBJECTIONS ANTICIPATED. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

In which the author and the reader^ while repos- 
ing after the battle^ fall irito a very grave dis- 
course — after which is recorded the conduct of 
Peter Stuyvesant after his victory. 

Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finish- 
ed this tremendous battle : let us sit down, my 
worthy reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a 
prodigious sweat and agitation — Truly this fight- 
ing of battles is hot work ! and if your great 
commanders did but know what trouble they 
give their historians, they would not have the 
conscience to achieve so many horrible victories. 
But methinks I hear my reader complain, that 
throughout this boasted battle, there is not the 
least slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, 
if we except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn 
of his queue by the trencliant blade of Peter 
Stuyvesant ; all which, he observes, is a great 
outrage on probability, and highly injurious to 
the interest of the narration. 

This is certainly an objection of no little mo- 
ment, but it arises entirely from the obscurity 
that evelops the remote periods of time, about 
which I have undertaken to write. Thus, though 



THE author's EXCUSE. 159 

doubtless, from the importance of the object, 
and the prowess of the parties concerned, there 
must have been terrible carnage, and prodigies 
of valour displayed before the walls of Christina, 
yet, notwithstanding that I have consulted every 
history, manuscript, and tradition, touching this 
*^'memorable, though long forgotten battle, I can- 
not find mention made of a single man killed or 
wounded in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme 
modesty of our forefathers, who, Hke their de- 
scendants, were never prone to vaunt of their 
achievements ; but it is a virtue that places their 
historian in a most embarrassing predicament ; 
for, having promised my readers a hideous and 
unparalleled battle, and having worked them up 
into a warlike and bloodthirsty state of mind, 
to put them off without any havoc and slaughter, 
was as bitter a disappointment as to summon a 
multitude of good people to attend an execution, 
and then cruelly baulk them by a reprieve. 

Had the inexorable fates only allowed me 
some half a score dead men, I had been content ; 
for I would have made them such heroes as 
abounded in the olden time, but whose race is 
now unfortunately extinct. Any one of whom, if 
we may believe those authentic writers, the 
poets, could drive great armies like sheep before 



160 THE AUTHOR^S DIFFICULTIES. 

him, and conquer and desolate whole cities by his 
single arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my 
disposal, all that was left me was to make the 
most I could of my battle, by means of kicks, and 
cuffs, and bruises, and such like ignoble wounds. 
And here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in 
some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, 
having arrayed with sublime preparation his 
immortal hosts against each other, is sadly put 
to it how to manage them, and how he shall 
make the end of his battle answer to the begin- 
ning ; inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he cannot 
deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh wound 
to any of his combatants. For my part, the 
greatest difficulty I found, was, when I had once 
put my warriors in a passion, and let them loose 
into the midst of the enemy, to keep them from 
doing mischief. Many a time had I to restrain, 
the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic Swede 
to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen 
little fellows on his sword, like so many spar- 
rows. — And when T had set some hundred of 
missives flying in the air, I difl not dare to 
suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest 
it should have put an end to some unlucky 
Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it 
is to a writer, thus in a manner to have his hands 



homer's liberties. 161 

tied, and how many tempting opportunities I Iiad 
to wink at, where I might have made as fine a 
death blow as any recorded in historjTof song. 

From my own experience, I begin to doubt 
most potently of the authenticity of many of 
Homer's stories. I verily believe, that when he 
had once launched one of his favourite heroes 
among a crowd of the enemy, he cut down many 
an honest fellow, w ithout any authority for so 
doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark — 
and that often a poor devil was sent to grim Plu- 
to's domains, merely because he had a name that 
would give a sounding turn to a period. But I 
disclaim all such unprincipled liberties — let me 
but have truth and the law on my side, and no 
man would fight harder than myself — but since 
the various records I consulted did not warrant 
it, I had too much conscience to kill a single sol- 
dier. — By St. Nicholas, but it would have been 
a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, the 
critics, who I foresee will be ready encugh to lay 
any crime they can discover at my door, might 
have charged me with murder outright — and I 
should have esteemed myself lucky to escape 
with no harsher verdict than manslaughter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly 
sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me 
to indulge in a melancholy reflection which at 
this moment passes across my mind, — How vain. 



162 A MELANCHOLY REFLECTION. 

how fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy 
bubbles after which we are panting and toiling 
in this worm of fair delusions. The wealth which 
the miser has amassed with so many weary days, 
so many sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may 
squanderaway in joy less prodigality — The noblest 
monuments which pride has ever reared to per- 
petuate a name, the hand of time will shortly 
tumble into ruins — and even the brightest laurels, 
gained by feats of arms, may wither and be for 
ever blighted by the chilling negtect of mankind. 
— " How many illustrious heroes," says the good 
Boetius, " who were once the pride and glory 
of the age, hath the silence of historians buried 
in eternal obhvion !" And this it was that indu- 
ced the Spartans when they went to battle, so- 
lemnly to sacrifice to the muses, supplicating 
that their achievements should be worthily re- 
corded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, 
observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of Achil- 
les had remained unsung. And such too, after 
all the toils and perils he had braved, after all 
the gallant actions he had achieved, such too had 
nearly been the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuy- 
vesant, but that I fortunately stepped in and en- 
graved his name on the indelible tablet of history, 
just as the caititf Time was silently brushing it 
away for ever! 

The more I reflect, the more am T astonished 



IMPORTANCE OF THE HISTORIAN. 163 

at the important character of the historian. He 
is the sovereign censor, to decide upon the renown 
or infamy of his fellow men — He is the patron of 
kings and conquerors, on whom it depends whe- 
ther they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten, 
as were their ancestors before them. The tyrant 
may oppress while the object of his tyranny ex- 
ists, but the historian possesses superior might, 
for his power extends even beyond the grave. 
The shades of departed and long forgotten heroes 
anxiously bend down from above, while he writes, 
watching each movement of his pen, whether it 
shall pass by their names with neglect, or inscribe 
them on the deathless pages of renown. Even 
the drop of ink that hangs trembling on his pen, 
which he may either dash upon the floor or waste 
in idle scrawlings — that very drop, which to him 
is not worth the twentieth part of a farthing, 
may be of iAcalculable value to some departed 
worthy — may elevate half a score, in one mo- 
ment, to immortality, who would have given 
worlds, had they possessed them, to ensure the 
glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I 
am indulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am 
anxious to blazon forth the importance of my 
tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I reflect 
on the awful responsibility we historians assume 
— I shudder to think what direful commotions 



164 HIS AWFUL RESPONSIBILITY. 

and calamities we occasion in the world — I 
swear to thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I 
weep at the very idea ! Why, let me ask, are so 
many illustrious men daily tearing themselves 
away from the embraces of their families — 
slighting the smiles of beauty — despising the 
allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves 
to the miseries of war? — Why are kings desola- 
ting empires, and depopulating whole countries ? 
In short, what induces ail great men, of all ages 
and countries, to commit so many victories and 
misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon 
mankind and on themselves, but the mere hope 
that some historian will kindly take them into 
notice, and admit them into a corner of his vo- 
lume. For, in short, the mighty object of all 
their toils, their hardships, and privations, is 
nothing but immortal fame — and what is immor- 
tal fame why, half a page of dirty paper ! 

alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea — that 

the renown of so great a man as Peter Stuyve- 
sant should depend upon the pen of so little a 
man as Diedrich Knickerbocker! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the 
fatigues and perils of the field, it behoves us to 
return once more to the scene of conflict, and in- 
quire what were the results of this renowned con- 
quest. The fortress of Christina being the fair 
metropohs, and in a manner tlie -key to New- 



WHAT IS IMMORTAL TAME. 165 

Sweden, its capture was speedily followed bj 
the entire subjugation of the |)rovince. This was 
not a little promoted by the gallant and courte- 
ous deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though 
a man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of vic- 
tory was he endued with a spirit generous, mer- 
ciful, and humane — He vaunted not over his 
enemies, nor did he make defeat more galling by 
unmanly insults ; for like that mirror of knight- 
ly virtue, the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was 
more anxious to do great actions, than to talk 
of them after they were done. He put no man to 
death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down ; per- 
mitted no ravages to be perpetrated on the pro- 
perty of the vanquished, and even gave one of 
his bravest officers a severe admonishment with 
his walking staff, for having been detected in the 
act of sacking a hen roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting 
the inhabitants to submit to the authority of 
their High Mightinesses ; but declaring, with 
unexampled clemency, that whoever refused 
should be lodged, at the public expense, in a 
goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have 
an armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. 
In consequence of these beneficent terms, about 
thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward and 
took the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which 
they were graciously permitted to remain on the 

VOL. II. 1.5 



166 DERIVATION OF BEEKMAN. 

banks of the Delaware, where their descendants 
reside at this very day. But I am told by divers 
observant travellers, that they have never been 
able to get over the chap-fallen looks of their 
ancestors, and do still unaccountably transmit 
from father to son manifest marks of the sound 
drubbing given them by the sturdy Amsterdam- 
mers. 

The whole country of New-Sweden, having 
thus yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, 
was reduced to a colony called South River, and 
placed under the superintendence of a lieutenant 
governor; subject to the control of the supreme 
government at New-Amsterdam. This great 
dignitary was called Mynher William Beekman, 
or rather jBec/j-man, who derived his surname, 
as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the lordly 
dimensions of his nose, which projected from 
the centre of his countenance like the beak of 
a parrot. He was the great progenitor of the 
tribe of the Beekmar^s, one of the most ancient 
and honourable famihcs of the province, the 
members of which do gratefully commemorate 
the origin of their dignity, not as your noble 
families in England would do, by having a glow- 
ing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, 
but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose 
stuck in the very middle of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously 



Peter's triumphant return. 167 

terminated with the loss of only two men — Wol- 
fe rt Van Home, a tall spare man, who was 
knocked overboard by the boom of a sloop, in a 
fiaAV of wind ; and fat Brom Van Bummel, who 
was suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; both, 
however, were immortalized as having bravely 
fallen in the service of their country. True it 
is, Peter Stuy vesant had one of his limbs terribly 
fractured, being shattered to pieces in the act of 
storming the fortress ; but as it was fortunately 
his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and 
effectually healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of 
my histor}^, but to m.ention that this immaculate 
hero, and his victorious army, returned joyously 
to the Manhattoes, where they made a solemn 
and triumphant entry, bearing with them the 
conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his bat- 
tered crew, who had refused allegiance. For it 
appears that the gigantic Swede had only fallen 
into a swoon at the end of the battle, from 
whence he was speedily restored by a whole- 
some tweak of the nose. 

These captive heroes were lodged, according 
to the promise of the governor, at the public ex- 
pei^e, in a fair and spacious castle ; being the 
prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the 
immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appoint- 



168 FESTIVITY AT NEW-AMSTERDAJf. 

%d governor ; and which has ever since remained 
iu the possession of his descendants.* 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness 
the joy of the people of New- Amsterdam, at be- 
holding their warriors once more return from 
this war in the wilderness. The old women 
thronged round Antony Van Corlear, who gave 
the w^hole history o^ the campaign with match- 
less accuracy ; saving that he took the credit of 
fighting the whole battle himself, and especially 
of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which he con- 
sidered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that 
it was effected by his own stone pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave 
holiday to their little urchins, who followed in 
droves after the drums, with paper caps on their 
heads, and sticks in their breeches, thus taking 
the first lesson in the art of war. As to the sturdy- 
rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuy- 
vesant wherever he went, waving their greasy 
hats in the air, and shouting " Hard-koppig Piet 
for ever!" 

It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and ju- 
bilee. A huge dinner was prepared at the Stadt- 
house in honour of the conquerors, where were 

* This castle, tliough very much altered and modern- 
ized, is stil! 'P. being-, and stands at the corner of Pearl- 
street, facing- Coenties' slip. 



fETER OBTAINS A SURNAME. 16.9-^ 

assembled, in one glorious constellation, the 
great and the little luminaries of New-Amster- 
dam. There were the lordly Schout and his ob- 
sequious deputy — the Burgomasters with their 
officious Schepens at their elbows — the subal- 
tern officers at the elbows of the Schepens, and 
so on to the lowest hanger-on of police ; everj 
Tag having his Rag at his side, to finish his pipe, 
drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights 
of immortal dullness. In short — for a city feast 
is a city feast all the world over, and has been 
a city feast ever since the creation — the dinner 
went off much the same as do our great corpo- 
ration junketings and Fourth of July banquets. 
Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, 
oceans of liquor drank, thousands of pipes smok- 
ed, and many a dull joke honoured with much 
obstreperous fat-sided laughter, 

1 must not omit to mention, that to this far- 
famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for 
another of his many titles — for so hugely delight- 
ed were the honest burghers with his achieve- 
ments,* that they unanimously honoured him 
with the name of Pieter de Groodt^ that is to 
say, Peter the Great, or, as it was translated by 
the people of New-Amsterdam, Piet de Pig — an 
appellation which he maintained even unto the 
day of* his death. 

15* 



BOOK VIL 



OONTAINING THE THIRD PART OP THE REIGN OF 

PETER THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH 

THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND 
FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 



CHAPTER L 

Ho7o Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign peo- 
ple from the burthen of taking care of the na- 
tion — with sundry particulars of his conduct 
in time of peace. 

The history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant 
furnishes a melancholy picture of the incessant 
cares and vexations inseparable from govern- 
ment ; and may serve as a solemn warning to 
all who are ambitious of attaining the seat of 
power. Though crowned with victory, enriched 
by conquest, and returning in triumph to his me- 
tropohs, his exultation was checked by behold- 
ing the sad abuses that had taken place* during 
the short interval of his absence. 



POPULAR DISCONTENT. 1.71 

The populace unfortunately for their own 
comfort, had taken a deep draught of the in- 
toxicating cup*of power, during the reign of 
William the Testy ; and though, upon the acces- 
sion of Peter Stuyvesant, they felt, with a 
certain instinctive perception, which mobs as 
well as cattle possess, that the reigns of govern- 
ment had passed into stronger hands, yet could 
they not help fretting and chafing and champing 
upon the bit, in restive silence. 

It seems by some strange and inscrutable 
fatality, to be the destiny of most countries, 
(and more especially of your enlightened repub- 
lics) always to be governed by the most incom- 
petent man in the nation, so that you will 
scarcely find an individual throughout the whole 
community who cannot. point out innumerable 
errors in administration, and convince you in 
the end, that had he been at the head of affairs, 
matters would have gone on a thousand times 
more prosperously. Strange ! that government, 
which seems to be so generally understood, 
should invariably be so erroneously administered 
— strange, that the talent of legislation, so 
prodigally bestowed, should be denied to the 
only man in the nation to whose station it is 
requisite ! 

Thus it was in the present instance ; not a 
man of all the herd of pseudo pohticians in New- 



17'2 P9EUD0 POLITICIANS. 

Amsterdam but was an oracle on topics of state, 
and could have directed public affairs incom- 
parably better than Peter StuHesant. But so 
severe was the old governor in his disposition, 
that he would never suffer one of the multitude 
df able counsellors by whom he was surrounded, 
to intrude his advice, and save the country from 
destruction. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his 
expedition against the Swedes, than the old 
factions of William Kieft's reign began to thrust 
their heads above water, and to gather together 
in political meetings, to discuss " the state of 
the nation." ^ At these assemblages the busy 
burgomasters and their officious schepens made 
a very considerable figure. These worthy digni- 
taries were no longer the fat, well fed, tranquil 
magistrates that presided in the peaceful days 
of Wouter Van Twiller — On the contrary, being 
elected by the people, they formed in a manner 
a sturdy bulwark between the mob and the ad- 
ministration. They were great candidates for 
popularity, and strenuous advocates for the 
rights of the rabble ; resembling in disinterested 
zeal the wide mouth tribunes of ancient Rome, 
or those virtuous patriots of modern days, em- 
phatically denominated " the friends of the 
people." 

Under the tuition of these profound politi- 



POLITICAL FACTIONS. 173 

cians, it is astonisliiiig how suddenly enlighten- 
ed the swinish multitude became in matters 
above their comprehensions. Cobblers, tinkers, 
and tailors all at once felt themselves inspired, 
like those religious idiots, in the glorious times 
of monkish illumination ; and without any pre- 
vious study or experience, became instantly ca- 
pable of directing all the movements of govern- 
ment. Nor must I neglect to mention a number 
of superannuated, wrong headed old burghers, 
who had come over when boys in the crew of 
the Goede Vrouw, and were held up as infallible 
oracles by the enlightened mob. To suppose that 
a man who had helped to discover a country, 
did not know how it ought to be governed, wa» 
preposterous in the extreme. It would have been 
deemed as much a heresy as at the present day 
to question the political talents and universal 
infallibility of our old " heroes of '76" — and to 
doubt that he who had fought for a government, 
however stupid he might naturally be, was not 
competent to fill any station under it. 

But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular in- 
clination to govern his province without the as- 
sistance of his subjects, he felt highly incensed 
on his return to find the factious appearance 
they had assumed during his absence. Mis first 
measure, therefore, was to restore perfect order, 



174 Peter's dignified reproof 

by prostrating the dignity of the sovereign peo- 
ple. 

He accordingly watched his opportunity, and 
one evening when the enlightened mob was 
gathered together, hstening to a patriotic speech 
from an inspired cobbler, the intrepid Peter all 
at once appeared among tiiem, with a counte- 
nance suiiicient to petrify a mill stone. The 
whole meeting was thrown into consternation — 
the orator seemed to have received a paralytic 
stroke in the very middle of a sublime sentence, 
and stood aghast Avith open mouth and trem- 
bling knees, while the words horror ! tyranny ! 
liberty ! rights ! taxes ! death ! destruction ! and 
a deluge of other patriotic phrases, came roaring 
from his throat, before he had power to close 
his lips. The shrewd Peter took no notice of 
the skulking throng around him, but advancing 
to the brawling bullj-ruffian, and drawing out 
a huge silver watch which might have served in 
times of yore as a town clock, and which is still 
retained by his descendants as a family curiosi- 
t}^ ; requested the orator to mend it, and set it 
going. The orator humbly confessed it was 
utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted 
with the nature of its construction. " Nay, but," 
said Peter, " try your ingenuity, man ; you see 
all the springs and wheels, and how easily the 
clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces *, 



TO A PATRIOTIC COBBLER. 175 

and why should it not be equally easy to regu- 
late as to stop it ?" The orator declared that his 
trade was wholly different — that he was a poor 
cobbler, and-had never meddled with a watch in 
his life — That there were men skilled in the art, 
whose business it was to attend to those matters, 
but for his part, he should only mar the work- 
manship, and put the whole in confusion 

" Why harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, 
turning suddenly upon him, with a countenance 
that almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a 
perfect lapstone — " dost thou pretend to meddle 
with the movements of government — to regu- 
late, and correct, and patch, and cobble a compli- 
cated machine, the principles of which are above 
thy comprehension, and its simplest operations 
too subtle for thy understanding; when thou 
canst not correct a trifling error in a common 
piece of mechanism, the whole mystery of which 
is open to thy inspection ? — Hence with thee to 
the leather and stone, which are emblems of thy 
head, cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the 
vocation for which heaven has fitted thee — But," 
elevating his voice until it made the welkin 
ring, " if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, 
meddling again with affairs of government, by 
St. Nicholas but I'll have every mother's bastard 
of ye flay'd ahve, and your hides stretched for 
drum heads, that ye may thenceforth make a 
noise to some purpose !" 



176 His terrific threat. 

This threat, and the tremendous voice inr 
which it was uttered, caused the whole multitude 
to quake with fear. The hair of the orator arose 
on his head like his own swine's bristles, and 
not a knight of the thimble present but his heart 
died within him, and he felt as though he could 
have verily escaped through the eye of a needle. 

But though this measure produced the desired 
effect in reducing the community to order, yet 
it tended to injure the popularity of the great 
Peter among the enhghtened vulgar. Many ac- 
cused him of entertaining highly aristocratic 
sentiments, and of leaning too much in favour 
of the patricians. Indeed, there appeared to be 
some ground for such an accusation, as he al- 
ways carried himself with a very lofty, soldier- 
like port, and was somewhat particular in his 
dress ; dressing himself, when not in uniform, in 
simple, but rich apparel, and was especially 
noted for having his sound leg (which was a 
very comely one) always arrayed in a red stock- 
ing, and high heeled shoe. Though a man of 
great simplicity of manners, yet there was some- 
thing about him that repelled rude familiarity, 
while it encouraged frank, and even social inter- 
course. 

He likewise observed some appearance of 
court ceremony and etiquette. He received the 



Jeter's court etiquette. 177 

common class of visiters on the stoop^ before 
his door, according to the custom of our Dutch 
ancestors. But when visiters were formally re- 
ceived in his parlour, it was expected they 
would appear in clean linen ; by no means to be 
bare footed, and always to take their hats off. 
On public occasions he appeared with great 
pomp of equipage, (for, in truth, his station re- 
quired a little show and dignity,) and always 
rode to church in a yellow waggon with flaming 
red wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony oc- 
casioned considerable discontent among the 
vulgar. They had been accustomed to find easy- 
access to their former governors, and in parti- 
cular had lived on terms of extreme familiarity 
with William the Testy. They therefore were 
very impatient of these dignified precautions, 
which discourage intrusion. But Peter Stuyve- 
sant had his own way of thinking in these mat- 
ters, and was a stanch upholder of the digjiity 
of oftice. 

He always maintained that government (o be 
the least popular which is most open to popular 
access and control ; and that the very brawl- 
ers against court ceremony, and the reserve of 

* Properly spellcfl atoeh : The porch comrr.oTiIy built in. 
front of Dutch houses, with bericlies on each side. 
VOL. II. 16 



178 WHAT GOVERNMENT THE LEAST POPULAR, 

men in power, would soon despise rulers among 
whom they found even themselves to be of con- 
sequence. Such, at least, had been the case with 
the administration of William the Testj ; who, 
bent >on making himself popular, had listened to 
every man's advice, suffered* every body to have 
admittance to his person at all hours, and, in a 
word, treated every one as his thorough equal. 
By this means every scrub politician, and pub- 
lic busy body was enabled to measure wits with 
him, and to find out the true dimensions, not 
only of his person, but his mind — And what 
great man can stand such scrunity ? — It is the 
mystery that envelops great men that gives 
them half their greatness. We are always in- 
clined to think highly of those who hold them- 
selves aloof from our examination. There is 
likewise a kind of superstitious reverence for 
Oilice, which leads us to exaggerate the merits 
and abilities of men in power, and to suppose 
that they must be constituted different from 
other men. And indeed, faith is as necessary in 
politics as in religion. It certainly is of the first 
iaiportance, that a country should be governed 
by Avise men ; but then it is almost equally im- 
portant, that the people should believe them to 
be wise ; for this belief alone can produce wil- 
ling subordination. 

To keep up, therefore, this desirable confi- 
dence in rulers, the people should be allowed 



MYSTERIES OF GOVERNMENT. 179 

to see as little of them as possible. He who 
gains access to cabinets soon finds out by what 
foolishness the world is governed. He discovers 
that there is quackery in legislation, as well as 
ill every thing else ; that many a measure, which 
is supposed by the million to be the result of 
great wisdom and deep deliberation, is the ef- 
fect of mere chance, or, perhaps, of harebrained 
experiment — That rulers have their whims and 
errors as well as other men, and after all are 
not so wonderfully superior to their fellow crea- 
tures as he at lirst imagined; since he finds that 
even his own opinions have had some weight 
with them. Thus awe subsides into confidence, 
confidence inspires familiarity, and familiarity 
produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on the 
contrary, by conducting himself with dignity and 
loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. 
As he never gave his reasons for any thing he 
did, the public always gave him credit for very 
profound ones — Every movement, however in- 
trinsically unimportant, was a matter of specula- 
tion, and his very red stockings excited some 
respect, as being different from the stockings of 
other men. 

To these times may we refer the rise of fami- 
ly pride and aristocratic distinctions ;* and in- 

* In a work published many years after the time here 
treated of, (in 1701, by C. W. A. M.) it is mentioned that 



180 FAMILY PRIDE. 

deed, I cannot but look back with reverence to 
the early planting of those mighty Dutch fami- 
lies, which have taken wSuch vigorous root, and 
branched out so luxuriantly in our state. ,The 
blood which has flowed down uncontaminated 
through a succession of ^eady, virtuous genera- 
tions since the times of the patriarchs of Commu- 
nipaw, must certainly be pure and worthy. And 
if so, then are the Van Rensellaers, the Van 
Zandts, the Van Homes, the Rutgers, the Ben- 
sons, the Brinkerhoffs, the Schermerhorns, and 
all the true descendants of the ancient Pavo- 
nians, the only legitimate nobility and real lords 
of the soil. 

I have been led to mention thus particularly 
the well authenticated claims of our genuine 
Dutch families, because I have noticed with 
great sorrow and vexation, that they have been 
somewhat elbowed aside in latter days by fo- 
reign intruders. It is really astonishing to behold 
how many great families have sprung up of ^dte 
} ears, wha pride themselves excessively on the 
score of ancestry. Thus he who can look up to Ris 
father without humiliation assumes not a little 
importance — he who can safely talk of his grand- 
father, is still more vain-glorious, but he who 

Frederick P?iilipse was counted the richest Mynher in 
IVew-York, and was said to have whole hogsheads of Indian 
money or wampum ; and had a son and daug-hter, who, ac- 
cording- to the Dutch cus.oin, should divide it equally. 



CUSTOM OF CRACKING EGGS. 181 

can look back to his great grandfather without 
blushing, is absolutely intolerable in his preten- 
sions to family — bless us ! what a piece of work 
is here, between these mushrooms of an hour, 
and these mushrooms of a day ! 

But from what I have recounted in the former 
part of this chapter, I would not have my reader 
imagine that the great Peter was a tyrdunical 
governor, ruling his subjects with a rod of iron 
— on the contrary, where the dignity of authori- 
ty was not implicated, he abounded with genero- 
sity and courteous condescension. In fact, he 
really believed, though I fear my more enlight- 
ened repubhcan readers will consider it a proof 
of his ignorance and illiberality, that in prevent- 
ing the cup of social life from being dashed with 
the intoxicating ingredient of politics, he pro- 
moted the tranquillity and happiness of the peo- 
ple — and by detaching their minds from sub ects 
which they could not understand, and which 
only tended to inflame their passions, he ena- 
bled them to attend more faithfully and indus- 
triously to their proper callings; becoming more 
useful citizens, and more attentive to their fami- 
lies and fortunes. 

So far from having any unreasonable austeri- 
ty, he delighted to see the poor and the labour- 
ing man reoice, and for this purpose was a great 
promoter of hohdays and pubhc amusements. 
16* 



182 EXHIBITION BY A YOUNG VROUW. 

Under his reign was first introduced the custom 
of cracking eggs at Paas or Easter. New year's 
day was also observed with extravagant festivi- 
ty — and ushered in by the ringing of bells and 
firing of guns. Every house was a temple to the 
jolly god — Oceans of cherry brandy, true Hol- 
lands, and mulled cider were set afloat on the 
occasion ; and not a poor man in town but made 
it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of 
pure economy — taking in liquor enough to serve 
him for half a year afterwards. 

It would have done one's heart good, also, to 
have seen the valiant Peter, seated among the 
old burghers and their wives of a Saturday 
afternoon, under the great trees that spread 
their shade over the Battery, watching the young 
men and women, as they danced on the green. 
Here he would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, 
and forget the rugged toils of war, in the sweet 
oblivious festivities of peace. He would occa- 
sionally give a nod of approbation to those of 
the young men who shuffled and kicked most 
vigorously, and now and then give a hearty 
smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass 
that held out longest, and tired down all her 
competitors, which he considered as infallible 
proofs of her being the best dancer. Once, it is 
true, the harmony of the meeting was rather in- 
terrupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in 



183 

the gay world, and who, having lately come from 
Holland, of course led the fashions in the city, 
made her appearance in not more than half a 
dozen petticoats, and these too of most alarm- 
ing shortness. An universal whisper ran through 
the assembly, the old ladies all felt shocked in 
the extreme, the young ladies blushed, and felt 
excessively for the " poor thing," and even the 
governor himself was observed to be a little 
troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment 
of the good folks, she undertook in the course 
of a jig, to describe some astonishing figures in 
algebra, which she had learned from a dancing 
master at Rotterdam. — Whether she was too 
animated in flourishing her feet, or whether 
some vagabond zephyr took the liberty of ob- 
truding his services, certain it is that in the 
course of a grand evolution, which would not 
have disgraced a modern ball room, she made a 
most unexpected display — whereat the whole 
assembly was thrown into great admiration, 
several grave country members were not a little 
moved, and the good Peter himself, who was a 
man of unparalleled modesty, felt himself griev- 
ously scandalized. 

The shortness of the female dresses, which 
had continued in fashion ever since the days of 
William Kieft^ had long oifended his eye, and 
though extremely averse to meddling with the 



184 HIS REStRICtlONS IN DANCING. 

petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately re- 
commended that every one should be furnished 
with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise order- 
ed that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, 
should use no other step in dancing, than shuffle 
and turn, and double trouble ; and forbade, un- 
der pain of his higj^ displeasure, anj joung ladj 
thenceforth to attempt what was termed " ex- 
hibiting the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever im- 
posed upon the sex, and these were considered 
by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted 
with that becoming spirit, always manifested by 
the gentle sex, whenever their privileges are in- 
vaded. — In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly per- 
ceived, that if he attempted to push the matter 
any farther, there was danger of their leaving 
off petticoats altogether ; so hke a wise man, 
experienced in the ways of women, he held his 
peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their 
petticoats and cut their capers as high as they 
pleased. 



REFLECTIONS, 



185 



CHAPTER II. 

H'ozo Peter Stuyvesant zvas much molested hy thh 
moss troopers of the East, and the Giants of 
Merryland — and how a dark and horrid con- 
spiracy zoas carried on in the British Cabinet 
against the prosperity of the Manhattoes, 

We are now approaching towards the crisis 
of our work, and if I be not mistaken in my fore- 
bodings, we shall have a world of business to 
despatch in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities, as it is with 
certain meddlesome individuals, they have a 
wonderful facility at getting into scrapes ; and I 
have always remarked, that those are most lia- 
ble to get in, who have the least talent at get- 
ting out again. This is, doubtless, owing to the 
excessive valour of those states ; for 1 have like- 
wise noticed that this rampant and ungoverna- 
ble quality is always most unruly where most 
confined ; which accounts for its vapouring so 
amazingly in little states, little men, and ugly 
little women especially. 

Thus, when one reflects, that the province of 
the Manhattoes, though of prodigious importance 



IS6 BORDER HOSTILITIES. 

in the ejes of its inhabitants and its historian, 
was really of no very great consequence in the 
eyes of the rest of the world 5 that it had bat 
little wealth or other spoils to reward the trou- 
ble of assailing it, and that it had nothing to ex- 
pect from running wantonly into war, save an 
exceeding good beating. — On pondering these 
things, I say, one would utterly despair of find- 
ing in its history either battles or bloodshed, or 
any other of those calamities wjiich give impor- 
tance to a nation, and entertainment to the read- 
er. But, on the contrary, we find, so valiant is 
this province, that it has already drawn upon 
itself a host of enemies ; has had as many buf- 
fettings as would gratify the ambition of the 
most warhke nation ; and is in, sober sadness, a 
very forlorn, distressed, and wo-begone little 
province ! — all which was, no doubt, kindly 
ordered by providence, to give interest and sub- 
limity to this pathetic history. 

But I forbear to enter into a detail of the 
pitiful maraudings and harassments, that for a 
long while after the victory on the Delaware, 
continued to insult the dignity, and disturb the 
repose of the Nederlanders. Sufiice it in brevity 
to say, that the implacable hostility of the peo- 
ple of the east, which had so miraculously been 
prevented from breaking out, as my readers 
must remember, by the sudden prevalence of 



INVASIONS TROM CONNECTICUT. 187 

witchcraft, and the dissentions in the council of 
Amphyctions, now again displayed itself in a 
thousand grievous and bitter scourings upon the 
borders. 

Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch 
settlements on the frontiers were alarmed by 
the sudden appearance of an invading army 
from Connecticut. This would advance resolute- 
ly through the country, like a puissant caravan 
of the deserts, the women and children mounted 
in carts loaded with pots and kettles, as though 
they meant to boil the honest Dutchmen alive, 
and devour them like so many lobsters. At the 
tail of these carts would stalk a crew of long 
limbed, lank-sided varlets, with axes on their 
shoulders and packs on their backs, resolutely 
bent upon improving the country in despite of 
its proprietors. These settling themselves down, 
would in a short time completely dislodge the 
unfortunate Nederlanders ; elbowing them out 
of thos^ rich bottoms and fertile valleys, in which 
our Dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling 
themselves — For it is notorious, that wherever 
these shrewd men of the east get a footing, the 
honest Dutchmen do gradually disappear, reti- 
ring slowly, like the Indians before the whites ; 
being totally discomfited by the talking, chaffer- 
ing, swapping, bargaining disposition of their new 
neighbours. 



IBt fendal's roaring boys. 

All these audacious infringements on the ter- 
ritories of their High Mightinesses were accom- 
panied, as has before been hinted, by a world of 
rascally brawls, ribroastings,and bundlings, which 
would doubtless have incensed the valiant Peter 
to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not at 
the very same time been perplexed by distress- 
ing accounts from Mynher Beckman, who com- 
manded the territories at South river. 

The restless Swedes, who had so graciously 
^)een suffered te remain about the Delaware, 
already began to show signs of mutiny and dis- 
affection. But what was worse, a peremptory 
claim was laid to the whole territory, as the 
rightful property of Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, 
a chieftain who ruled over the colony of Mary- 
land, or Merry-land, as it was anciently called, 
because that the inhabitants, not having the fear 
of the Lord before their eyes, were notoriously 
prone to get fuddled and make merry with mint 
julep and apple toddy. Nay, so hostile v'as this 
bully Feudal, that he threatened, unless his 
claim were instantly complied with, to march 
incontinently at the head of a potent.force of the 
i-oaring boys of Merryland, together with a great 
and mighty train of giants, who infested the 
banks of the Susquehanna* — and to lay waste 

* We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these 
strange people (wjjo were doubtless tlie ancestors of the 



BANGER OF EXTENDED CONQUESTS. 189 

and depopulate the whole country of South 
river. 

By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, 
like all great acquisitions of territory, soon be- 
came a greater evil to the conqueror than the 
loss of it was to the conquered ; and caused 
greater uneasiness and trouble than all the ter- 
ritory of the New-Netherlands besides. Thus 
Providence wisely orders that one evil shall 
balance another. The conqueror who wrests the 
property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation 
and desolates a country, though he may acquire 
increase of empire, and immortal fame, yet en- 
sures his own inevitable punishment. He takes 
to himself a cause of endless anxiety — he in- 
corporates with his late sound domain a loose 
part — a rotten disaffected member ; which is an 
exhaustless source of internal treason and dis- 

present Marylanders) made by Master Hariot, in his inter- 
esting history. " The Susquesahanocks," observes he, 
" are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behaviour, 
and attire — their voice sounding from them as if out of a 
cave. Their tobacco pipes were three quarters of a yard 
long, carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other 
device, sufficient to beat out Ihe braines of a horse, (and 
how many asses braines are beaten out, or rather men's 
braines smoked out, and asses braines haled in, by our less- 
er pipes at honjc.) The calfe of one of their legges mea- 
sured three quarters of a yard about, the rest of his 
limbs proportionable." — Master HarioVs Journ, Purch. 
Pil. 

VOL. II. 17 



190 OCCUPATION OF PETER. 

union, and external altercation and hostility 
— Happy is that nation, which compact, united, 
loyal in all its parts, and concentrated in its 
strength, seeks no idle acquisition of unprofitable 
and ungovernable territory — which, content to 
be prosperous and happy, has no ambition to be 
great. It is hke a man well organized in his sys- 
tem, sound in health, and full of vigour ; unin- 
cumbered by useless trappings, and fixed in an 
unshaken attitude. But the nation, insatiable of 
territory, whose domains are scattered, feebly 
united, and w^eakly organized, is like a senseless 
miser sprawling among golden stores, open to 
every attack, and unable to defend the riches he 
vainly endeavours to overshadow. 

At the time of receiving the alarming despatch- 
es from South river, the great Peter was busily 
employed in quelling certain Indian troubles that 
had broken out about Esopus, and was moreover 
meditating how to relieve his eastern borders on 
the Connecticut. He, however, sent word to 
Mynher Beckman to be of good heart, to main- 
tain incessant vigilance, and to let him know^ if 
matters wore a more threatening appearance ; 
in which case he w^ould incontinently repair with 
his warriors of the Hudson, to spoil the merri- 
ment of these Merry-landers ; for he coveted ex- 
ceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some 
half a score of these giants — having never en- 



bECEITFUL CALM IN THE SOUTH. 19 J 

countered a giant in his whole hfe, unless we may 
so call the stout Risingh, and he was but a httle 
one. 

Nothing farther, however, occurred to molest 
the tranquillity of Mynher Beckman and his cer- 
lony. Fendal and his myrmidons remained at 
home, carousing it soundly upon hoe cakes, bacon, 
and mint julep, and running horses, and fighting 
cocks, for which they were greatly renowned.— 
At hearing of this Peter Stuyvesant was very well 
pleased, for notwithstanding his inclination to 
measure weapons with these monstrous men of 
the Susquehanna, yet he had already as much 
employment nearer home as he could turn his 
hands to. Little did he think, worthy soul, that 
this southern calm was but the deceitful prelude 
to a most terrible and fatal storm, then brewing, 
which was soon to burst forth and overwhelm 
the unsuspecting city of New-Amsterdam ! 

Now so it was, that while this excellent gover- 
lioi* was giving his little senate laws, and not only 
giving them, but enforcing them too — while he 
was incessantly travelling the rounds of his be- 
loved province — posting from place to place to 
redress grievances, and while busy at one corner 
of his dominions all the rest getting into an up- 
roar. — At this vei'y time, I say, a dark and direful 
plot was hatching against him, in that nursery of 
monstl-ous projects, the British cabinet. The 



192 PLOT OF THE BRITISH CABINET. 

news of his achievements on the Delaware, ac- 
cording to a sage old historian of New-Amster- 
dam, had occasioned not a little talk and marvel 
in the courts of Europe. And the same profound 
writer assures us that the cabinet of England 
began to entertain great jealousy and uneasiness 
at the increasing power of the Manhattoes, and 
the valour of its sturdy yeomanry. 

Agents, the same historian observes, were sent 
by the Amphyctionic council of the east to en- 
treat the assistance of the British cabinet in sub- 
jugating this mighty province. Lord Sterhng 
also asserted his right to Long-Island, and, at the 
same time, Lord Baltimore, whose agent, as has 
befi>re been mentioned, had so alarmed Mynher 
Beckman, laid his claim before the cabinet to 
the lands of South river, which he complained 
were unjustly and forcibly detained from him, by 
these daring usurpers of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. 

Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhat- 
toes stand in imminent danger of experiencing 
the fate of Poland, and being torn limb from 
limb to be shared among its savage neighbours. 
But while these rapacious powers were whetting 
their fangs, and waiting for the signal to fall 
tooth and nail upon this delicious little fat 
Dutch empire, the lordly lion, who sat as umpire, 
all at once settled the claims of all parties, by 
laying his own paw upon the spoil. For we are 



193 



told, that his majesty, Charles the Second, not 
to be perplexed by adjusting these several pre- 
tensions, made a present of a large tract of 
North America, including the province of New- 
Netherlands, to his brother, the Duke of York 
— a donation truly royal, since none but great 
monarchs have a right to give away what does 
not belong to them. 

That this munificent gift might not be merely 
nominal, his majest}^, on the 12th of March, 
1664, ordered that an armament should be forth- 
with prepared, to invade the city of New-Am- 
sterdam by land and water, and put his brother 
in complete possession of the premises. 

Thus critically are situated the affairs of the 
New-Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so 
far from thinking of the jeopardy in which their 
interests are placed, are soberly smoking their 
pipes, and thinking of nothing at all — the privy 
counsellors of the province are at this moment 
snoring in full quorum, while the active Peter, 
who takes all the labour of thinking and acting 
upon himself, is busily devising some method of 
bringing the grand council of Amphyctions to 
terms. In the mean while an angry cloud is 
darkly scowling on the horizon — soon shall it 
rattle about the ears of these dozing Nederland- 
ers, and put the mettle of their stout-hearted go- 
vernor completely to the trial. 
17* 



194 THE AUTHOR SOUNDS A CHARGE. 

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity 
that in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexi- 
ties, he shall still acquit himself with the gallant 
bearing and spotless honour of a noble minded 
obstinate old cavalier — Forward then to the 
charge ! — shine out propitious stars on the re- 
nowned city of the Manhattoes ; and may the 
blessing of St. Nicholas go with thee — honest 
Peter Stiiyvesant ! 



ADVERSITY THE CAUSE OF GLORY. 195 



CHAPTER IIL 
« 

Of Peter Stuyvesant'^s expedition into the East 
Country, showing that though an old bird, he 
did hot understand trap. 

Great nations resemble great men in this 
particular, that their greatness is seldom known 
until they get in trouble ; adversity, therefore, 
has been wisely denominated the ordeal of true 
greatness, which, like gold, can never receive its 
real estimation, until it has passed through the 
furnace. In proportion, therefore, as a nation, a 
community, or an individual (possessing the in- 
herent quality of greatness) is involved in perils 
and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in 
grandeur — and even when sinking under cala- 
mity, makes, like a house on fire, a more glori- 
ous display than ever it did in the fairest period 
of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming 
with population and imbibing and concentrating 
the wealth of nations, has vegetated through a 
succession of drowsy ages; and were it not for its 
internal revolution, and the subversion of its an- 
cient government by the Tartars, might have pre- 



196 IMPORTANCE OF CALAMITIES. 

sented nothing but an uninteresting detail of 
dull, monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Her- 
culaneum might have passed into oblivion, with 
a herd of their contemporaries, if they had not 
been fortunately overwhelmed by a volcano. The 
renowned city of Troy has acquired celebrity 
only from its ten years distress, and final con- 
flagration — Paris rises in importance by the 
plots and massacres which have ended in the ex- 
altation of the illustrious Napoleon — and even 
the mighty London itself has sculked through 
the records of time, celebrated for nothing of 
moment, excepting the plague, the great fire, and 
Guy Faux's gunpowder plot ! — Thus cities and 
empires seem to creep along, enlarging in silent 
obscurity under the pen of the historian, until 
at length they burst forth in some tremendous 
calamity — and snatch, as it were, immortality 
from the explosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my read- 
er will plainly perceive that the city of New- 
Amsterdam and its dependent province are on 
the high road to greatness. Dangers and hosti- 
lities threaten from every side, and it is really 
a matter of astonishment to me, how so small a 
state has been able, in so short a time, to entan- 
gle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since the 
province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort 
of Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter 



Peter's romantic resolution. 197 

Van Twiller, has it been gradually increasing 
in historic importance ; and never could it have 
had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to 
the pinnacle of grarfdeur than Peter Stuyvesant. 

In the fiery heart of this is-on-headed old war- 
rior sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage 
described by Aristotle, and had the philosopher 
mentioned five hundred more to the back of 
them, I verily believe he would have been found 
master of them all — The only misfortune was, 
that he was deficient in the better part of valour 
called discretion, a cold blooded virtue which 
could not exist in the tropical climate of his 
mighty soul. Hence it was, he was continually 
hurrying into those unheard of enterprises that 
give an air of chivalric romance to all his history, 
and hence it was that he now conceived a pro- 
ject worthy of the hero of La Mancha himself. 

This was no other than to repair in person to 
the great council of the Amphyctions, bearing 
the sword in one hand and the olive branch in 
the other — to require immediate reparation for 
the innumerable violations of that treaty which 
ill an evil hour he had formed — to put a stop to 
those repeated maraudings on the eastern bor- 
ders — or else to throw his gaunlet and appeal to 
arms for satisfaction. 

On declaring this resolution in his privy 
council, the venerable members were seized with 



198 ASTONISHMENT OF HIS PRIVY COUNCIL. 

vast astonishment; for once in their lives they 
ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the rash- 
ness of exposing his sacred person in the midst 
of a strange and barbarous *people, with sundry 
other weighty remonstrances — all which had 
about as much influence upon the determination 
of the headstrong Peter, as though you were to 
endeavour to turn a rusty weathercock with a 
broken winded bellow^s. 

Summoning, therefore, to his presence, his 
trusty follower, Antony Van Corlear, he com- 
manded him to hold himself in readiness to ac- 
company him the following morning, on this his 
hazardous enterprise. Now Antony the trumpet- 
er was a little stricken in years, yet by dint of 
keeping up a good heart, and having never known 
care or sorrow, (having never been married,) he 
was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome 
wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. Thig 
last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those 
domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant 
had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Ca- 
simir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more 
delighted Antony than this command of the 
great Peter, for he could have followed the stout 
hearted old governor to the world's end with 
love and loyalty — and he moreover still remem- 
bered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, 



HE SETTETfl FORTH. 199 

and other disports of the east country, and en- 
tertained dainty recollection of numerous kind 
and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceedingly 
again to encounter. 

Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set 
forth, with no other attendant but his trumpeter, 
upon one of the most perilous enterprises ever 
recorded in the annals of knight errantry. — 
For a single warrior to venture openly among a 
whole nations of foes; but, above all, for a plain 
downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with 
the whole council of New-England — never was 
there known a more desperate undertaking ! — 
Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of 
this peerless but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, 
has he kept me in a state of incessant action 
and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is con- 
stantly encountering — Oh ! for a chapter of the 
tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I 
might repose on it as on a feather bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have 
once already rescued thee from the machinations 
of these terrible Amphyctions, by bringing the 
whole powers of witchcraft to thine aid ? — Is it 
jiot enough, that I have followed thee undaunt- 
ed, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the 
horrid battle of fort Christina? — That I have 
been put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee 
safe and sound — now warding off with my sin*- 



208 Peter's charger 

gle pen the shower of dastard blows that fell 
upon thy rear — now narrowly shielding thee 
from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco box — 
now casing thy dauntless scull with adamant, 
when even thy stubborn ram beaver failed to re- 
sist the sword of the stout Risingh — and now, 
not merely bringing thee off alive, but triumphant, 
from the clutches of the gigantic Swede, by the 
desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ? — Is 
not all this enough, but must thou still be plung- 
ing into new difficulties, and jeopardizing in 
headlong enterprises, thyself, thy trumpeter, and 
thy historian ! 

And now the ruddy faced Aurora, like a buxom 
chamber-maid, draws aside the sable curtains of 
the night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly 
red-haired Phoebus, startled at being caught so 
late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With 
many a stable oath, he harnesses his brazen- 
footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and splashes 
up the firmament, like a loitering post boy, half 
an hour behind his lime. And now behold that 
imp of fame and prowess the headstrong Peter, 
bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, 
gallantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing 
on his thigh that trusty brass hilted sword, which 
had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of 
tlie Delaware. 

Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter 



AND Antony's mare. 2ai 

Van Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall- 
eyed, calico mare ; his stone pottle, which had 
laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, 
and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his right 
hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on 
which is emblazoned the great beaver of the Man- 
hattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the 
city gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with 
his faithful squire at his heels, the populace fol- 
lowing them with their eyes, and shouting many 
a parting wish and hearty cheering. — Farewell, 
Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, honest Antony ! — 
Pleasant be your way-faring — prosperous your 
return ! The stoutest hero that ever drew a 
sword, and the worthiest trumpeter that ever 
trod shoe leather. 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events 
that befel oujr adventurers in this their adven- 
turous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant manu- 
script, which gives the substance of a pleasant 
little heroic poem, written on the occasion by 
Domini jEgidius Luyck,* who appears to have 
been the poet laureat of New- Amsterdam. This 
inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was 
a rare spectacle to behold tlie great Peter and 

* This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin School 
in Nieuw-Nederlandt, 1G63. There are two pieces ad- 
dressed to iEgidiiis Luyck, in D. Selyu's MSS. of poesies, 
upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn. Okl MS. 
VOL. 11. 18 



202 BLOEMEN DAEL. 

his loyal follower, hailing the morning sun, and 
rejoicing in the clear countenance of nature, as 
they pranced it through the pastoral scenes of 
Bloemen Dael ;* whicji, in those days, was a 
sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a 
bright wild flower, refreshed by many a pure 
streamlet, and enhvened here and there by a 
delectable httle Dutch cottage, sheltered under 
some sloping hill, and ahnost buried in embower- 
ing trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Con- 
necticut, where they encountered many griev- 
ous difliculties and perils. At one place they 
were assailed by a troop of country squires and 
militia colonels, who mounted on goodly steeds, 
hung upon their rear for several miles, harass- 
ing them exceedingly with guesses and ques- 
tions, more especially the worthy Peler, whose 
silver chased leg excited not a little marvel. 
At another place hard by the renowned town 
of Stamford, they were set upon by a great 
and mighty legion of church deacons, who im- 
periously demanded of them five shillings, for 
1 ravelling on Sunday, and threateiied to carry 
them captive to a neighbouring church, whose 
steeple peered above the trees ; but these the 
valiant Peter put to rout with little ditHculty, 

* Now call-ed Blooming- Dale, about four miles from 
New-York. 



THEIR PERILOUS PROGRESS. 203 

insoinaeh that they bestrode their canes and ^ai- 
lopped OiT ill horrible confusion, leaving their 
cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. 
But not so easily did he escape from the hands 
of a crafty man of Pyquag ; wlio, with undaunted 
perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargain- 
ed him out of 1^ goodly switch-tailed charger, 
leaving in place thereof a villanous, foundered 
Naraganset pacer. 

But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued 
their journey cheerily aloni^ the coui-se of the 
soft flowing Connecftcut, whose gentle waves, 
says the song, roll through n\any a fertile vale 
and sunny plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires 
of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties 
of the humble hamlet ; now echoing with the 
busy hum of commerce, and now with the cheer- 
ful song of the peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who 
was noted for v/arlike punctiho, order the sturdy 
Antony to sound a courteous salutation ; though 
the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants 
were thrown into great dismay when they heard 
of his approach. For the fame of his incompa- 
rable achievements on the Delaware, had spread 
thi-oughout the east country, and they dreaded 
lest he had come to take vengeance on their 
manifold transgressions. 



204 HOW THEY WERE RECEIVED. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns 
with a sniihng aspect ; waving his hand with in- 
expressible majesty and condescension ; for he 
verily beheved that the old clothes which these 
ingenious people had thrust into their broken, 
windows, and the festoons of dried apples and 
peaches which ornamented ttft fronts of their 
houses, were so many decorations in honour of 
his approach ; as it was the custom in the days 
of chivalry, to compliment renowned heroes, by 
sumptuous displavf^of tapestry and gorgeous fur- 
niture. The wotfi-en crow^ded to the doors to 
gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prow- 
ess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little 
children too, ran after him in troops, staring 
with wonder at his regimentals, his brimstone 
breeches, and the silver garniture of his wooden 
leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which 
many strapping wenches betrayed at beholding 
the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilom delight- 
ed them so much with his trumpet, when he bore 
the great Peters challenge to the Amphyctions. 
The kind-hearted Antony ahghted from his 
calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite 
loving-kindness — and was right pleased to see a 
crew of little trumpeters crowding around him 
for his blessing ; each of whom he patted on the 
head, bade him be a good boy, and gave him a 
penny to buy molasses candy. 



205 

The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little 
farther mention of the governor's adventures 
upon this expedition, excepting that he was re- 
ceived with extravagant courtesy and respect by 
the great council of the Amphyctions, who almost 
talked him to death with complimentary and con- 
gratulatory harangues. I will not detain my 
readers by dwelling on his negotiations with 
the grand council. Suffice it to mention, it was 
like all other negotiations — a great deal was 
said, and very little done : one conversation led 
to another — one conference begat misunder- 
standings which it took a dozen conferences to 
explain ; at the end of which the parties found 
themselves just where they were at first ; except- 
ing that they had entangled themselves in a 
host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a 
cordial distrust of each other, that rendered 
their future negotiations ten times more difficult 
than ever,* 

In the midst of all these perplexities, which 
bewildered the brain and incensed the ire of the 
sturdy Peter, who was perhaps, of all men in 
the world, least fitted for diplomatic wiles, he 
privately received the first intimation of the 

* For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotia- 
tion, see Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith 
is entirely silent with respect to this memorable expedi- 
tion of Peter Stuyvesant. 

18* 



206 HIS IMMINENT JEOPARDY. 

dark ronsplracy which had been matured in the 
Cabinet of England. To this was added the 
astounding intelligence that a hostile squadron 
had already sailed from England, destined to re- 
duce the province of New-Netherlands, and that 
the grand council of Amphyctions had engaged 
to co-operate, by sending a great army to invade 
New-Amsterdam by land. 

Unfortunate Peter ! did I not enter with sad 
forebodings upon this ill-starred expedition ! 
did I not tremble when I saw thee, with no other 
counsellor but thine own head, with no other ar- 
mour but an honest tongue, a spotless conscience, 
and a rusty sword ! with no other protector but 
St. Nicholas — -and no other attendant but a trum- 
peter — did I not tremble when I beheld thee 
thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing 
powers of New-England. 

Oh, how did the sturdy old warrior rage and 
roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like 
a lion in the hunter's toil. Now did he determine 
to draw his trusty sword, and manfully to fight 
his way through all the countries of the east. — 
Now did he resolve to break in upon the council 
of the Amphyctions and put every mother's son 
of them to death. At length, as his direful wrath 
subsided, he resorted to safer though less glori- 
ous expedients. 

Concealing from the council his knowledge 
of their machinations, he privately despatched 



NEW-AMSTERDAM IN AN UPROAR. 207 

a trusty messenger, with missives to his coun- 
sellors at New-Amsterdam, apprizing them of 
the impending danger, commanding them im- 
mediately to put the city in a posture of defence, 
while in the mean time he would endeavour to 
elude his enemies and come to their assistance. 
This done, he felt himself marvellously relieved, 
rose slowly, shook himself hke a rhinoceros, and 
issued forth from his den, in much the same man- 
ner as Giant Despair is described to have issued 
from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history 
of the Pilgrim's Progress. 

And now much does it grieve me that I must 
leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopar- 
dy : but it behoves us to hurry back and see 
what is going on at New- Amsterdam, for great- 
ly do I fear that city is already in a turmoil. 
Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; 
while doing one thing with heart and soul, he 
was too apt to leave every thing else at sixes 
and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he 
was absent, attending to those things in person, 
which in modern days are trusted to generals 
and ambassadors, his little territory at home was 
sure to get in an uproar — All which was owing 
to that uncommon strength of intellect which 
induced him to trust to nobody but himself, and 
which had acquired him the renowned appella- 
tion of Peter the Headstrong. 



208 UPROAR OF WAR. 



CHAPTER IV. 



How the people of New-Amsterdam were thrown 
into a great panic, by the news of a threatened 
invasion, and the manner in which they forti- 
fied themselves, 

Thbre is no sight more truly interesting to 
a philosopher, than to contemplate a community, 
where every individual has a voice in public 
affairs, where every individual thinks himself the 
atlas of the nation, and where every individual 
thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of 
his country — I say, there is nothing more inter- 
esting to a philosopher, than to see such a com- 
munity in a sudden bustle of war. Such a clamour 
of togues — such a bawHng of patriotism — such 
running hither and thither — every body in a 
hurry— every body up to the ears in trouble — 
every body in the way, and ii\eYj body interrupt- 
ing his industrious neighbour — -who is busily em- 
ployed in doing nothing ! It is like witnessing a 
great fire, where every man is at work like a 
hero — some dragging about empty engines — 
others scampering with full buckets, and spill- 
ing the contents into the boots of their neigh- 
bours — and others ringing the church bells all 
night, by way of putting out the fire. Little 



ALL IN A BUSTLE. 



209 



liremen — like sturdy little knights storming a 
breach, clambering up and down scahng ladders, 
and bawhng through tin trumpets, by way of 
directing the attack — Here one busy fellow, in 
his great zeal to save ihe property of the unfor- 
tunate, catches up an anonymous chamber uten- 
sil, and gallants it off with an air of as much 
self-importance, as if he had rescued a pot of 
money — another throws looking glasses and 
china out of the window, to save them from the 
flames, whilst those who can do nothing else, to 
assist the great calamity, run up and down the 
streets with open throats, keeping up an inces- 
sant cry of Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

" When the news arrived at Sinope," says 
the grave and profound Lucian — though 1 own 
the story is rather trite, " that Philip was about 
to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into 
violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms ; 
others rolled stones to build up the walls — every 
body, in short, was employed, and every body was 
in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone was 
the only man who could find nothing to do — 
whereupon, determining not to be idle wheu 
4:he welfare of his country was at stake, he 
tucked up his robe, and fell to rolling his tub 
with might and main up and down the Gymna- 
sium." In like manner did every mother's son, 
ru the patriotic community of New-Amsterdam, 



$10 PANIC AT NEW-AMSTERDAM. 

on receiving the missives of Peter Stayvesant, 
busy himself most mightily in putting things in 
confusion, and assisting the general uproar. 
"Every man" — saith the Stayvesant Manuscript 
— " flew to arms !" — by which is meant, that not 
one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture 
to church or to market, without an old fashioned 
spit of a sword danghng at his side, and a long 
Dutch fowling piece on his shoulder — nor would 
he go out of a night without a lanthorn ; nor 
turn a corner without first peeping cautiously 
round, lest he should come unawares upon a 
British army — And w^e are informed that Stof- 
fel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the old 
women almost as brave a man as the governor 
himself — actually had two one pound swivels 
mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the 
front door, and the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to 
on this awful occasion, and one which has since 
been found of wonderful eflicacy, was to assem- 
ble popular meetings. These brawling convoca- 
tions, I have already shown, were extremely 
oiTensive to Peter Stuyvesant, but as this was a 
moment of unusual agitation, and as the old 
governor was not present to repress them, they 
broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, 
therefore, the orators and politicians repaired, 
and there seemed to be a competition among 



POPULAR RESOLUTIONS 211 

them who should bavv^l the loudest, and exceed 
the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, 
and in resolutions to uphold and defend the 
government. In these sage and all powerful 
meetings it was determined, nem con. that they 
were the most enlightened, the most dignified, 
the most formidable, and the most ancient com- 
munity upon the face of the earth — Finding that 
this resolutien was so universally and readily 
carried, another was immediately proposed — 
whether it were not possible and politic to exter- 
minate Great Britain ? upon which sixty-nine 
members spoke most eloquently in the affirma- 
tive, and only one arose to suggest some doubts 
— who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- 
sumption, was immediately seized by the mob 
and tarred and feathered — which punishment 
being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was 
afterwards considered as an outcast from socie- 
ty, and his opinion went for nothing. The ques- 
tion, therefore, being unanimously carried in the 
aliirmative, it was recommended to the grand 
council to pass it into a law ; which was accord- 
ingly done — By this measure the hearts of the 
people at large were wonderfully encouraged, 
and they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. 
Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having in 
some measure subsided; the old women having 
buried all the money they could lay their hands 



212 A PATRIOTIC BONFIRE. 

on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled with 
what was left — the community began even to 
stand on the otfensive. Songs were manufactu- 
red in Low Dutch and sung about the streets, 
wherein the English were most wofully beaten, 
and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses 
were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty 
that the fate of Old England depended upon the 
will of the New-Amsterdammers. ♦ 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vi- 
tals of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser 
inhabitants assembled, and having purchased all 
the British manufactures they could find, they 
made thereof a huge bonfire ; and, in the patriotic 
glow of the moment, every man present, who had 
a hat or breeches of Enghsh workmanship, pulled 
it olF, and threw it most undauntedly into the 
flames — to the irreparable detriment, loss, and 
ruin of the English manufacturers. In comme- 
moration of this great exploit, they erected a pole 
on the spot, with a device on the top intended to 
represent the province of Nieuw-Nederlandts de- 
stroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an 
Eagle picking the little Island of Old England 
out of the globe ; but either through the unskil- 
fulness of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, 
it bore a striking resemblance to a ^oose, vainly 
striving to get hold of a dumpling. 



ALARM OF THE COUNCIL. 21^ 



CHAPTER V. 

Shozving hozu the grand Council of the New' 
Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with 
long tongues* — Together with a great triimiph 
of Economy, 

It will need but very little penetration in 
any one acquainted with the character and 
habits of that most potent and blustering mo- 
narch, the sovereign people, — to discover, that, 
notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of war 
that stunned him in the last chapter, the re- 
nowned city of New-Amsterdam is, in sad reality, 
not a whit better prepared for defence than 
before. Now, though the people, having gotten 
over the first alarm, and finding no enemy im- 
mediately at hand, had, with that valour of 
tongue, for which your illustrious rabble is so 
famous, run into the opposite extreme, and by 
dint of gallant vapouring and rodomontado, had 
actually talked themselves into the opinion that 
they were the bravest and most poAverful people 
under the sun, yet were the privy counsellors 
of Peter Stuy vesant somewhat dubious on that 
point. They dreaded, moreover, lest that stern 

VOL. II. 19 



214 LONG WINDY SPEECHES. 

hero should return, and find, that instead of obey- 
ing his peremptory orders, they had wasted their 
time in hstening to the hectorings of the mob, 
than which, they well knew, there was nothing 
he held in more exalted contempt. 

To make up, therefore, as speedily as possible 
for lost time, a grand divan of the counsellors 
and burgomasters was convened, to talk over 
the critical state of the province, and devise 
measures for its safety. Two things were unani- 
mously agreed upon in this venerable assem- 
bly ; — first, that the city required to be put in a 
state of defence ; and secondly, that as the dan- 
ger was imminent, there should be no time lost 
—which points being settled, they immediately 
fell to making long speeches and belabouring 
one another in endless and intemperate dis- 
putes. For about this time was this unhappy 
city first visited by that talking endemic, so uni- 
versally prevalent in this country, and which so 
invariably* evinces itself wherever a number of 
wise men assemble together ; breaking out in 
long, windy speeches, caused, as physicians sup- 
pose, by the foul air which is ever generated in 
a crowd. Now it Avas, moreover, that they first 
introduced the ingenious method of measuring 
the merits of an harangue by the hour-glass ; 
he being considered the ablest orator who spoke 
longest on a question. For which excellent in- 



CAUSE OF THIS LOQUACITY. 215 

vention, it is recorded, we are indebted to the 
same profound Dutch critic who judged of books 
by their size. 

This sudden passion for endless harangues, 
so little consonant with the customary gravity 
and taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was sup- 
posed by certain learned philosophers, to have 
been imbibed, together with divers other barba- 
rous propensities, from their savage neighbours ; 
who were peculiarly noted for their long talks 
and council fires — who would never undertake 
any affair of the least importance, without pre- 
vious debates and harangues among their chiefs 
and old men. But the real cause was, that the 
people in electing their representatives to the 
grand council were particular in choosing them 
for their talents at talking, without inquiring 
whether they possessed the more rare, difficult, 
and oft-times important talent of holding their 
tongues. The consequence was, that this deli- 
berative body was composed of the most loqua- 
cious men in the community. As they consider- 
ed themselves placed there to talk, every man 
concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, 
what is more, his popularity with them, required 
that he should harangue on every subject, whe- 
ther he understood it or not. There was an an- 
cient mode of burying a chieftain, by every 
soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the 



216 PYTHAGOREAN IXJBNCTION OF SILExVCE. 

eorpse, until a mighty mound was formed ; so 
whenever a question was brought forward in this 
assembly, every member pressing forward to 
throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was 
quickJy buried under a huge mass of words. 

We are told, that when disciples were admit- 
ted into the school of Pythagoras, they were for 
two years enjoined silence, and were neither 
permitted to ask questions nor make remarks. 
After they had thus acquired the inestimable art 
of holding their tongues, they were gradually 
permitted to make inquiries, and finally to com- 
municate their own opinions. 

What a pity is it, that, while superstitiously 
hoarding up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, 
we should sufTer these precious gems to lie uhk 
noticed. What a beneficial effect would this 
wi.se regulation of Pythagoras have, if introduced 
in legislative bodies — and how wonderfully would 
it have tended to expedite business in the grand 
council of the Manhattoes ! 

Thus, however, did dame Wisdom, (whom the 
wags of antiqpity have humorously personified 
as a woman,) seem to take mischievous pleasure 
in jilting the venerable counsellors of New-Am^. 
sterdarn. The old factions of Long Pipes and 
Short Pipes, Avhich had been almost strangled 
by the herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now 
sprung up with tenfold violence. Not that the 



REVIVAL OF FACTIONS. ^17 

original cause of difference still existed, — but, it 
has ever been the fate of party names and party 
rancour to remain, long after the principles that 
gave rise to them have been forgotten. To com- 
plete the public confusion and bewilderment, the 
(ditdilword Econoinr/, w^hich one would have thought 
was dead and buried with William the Testy, was 
once more set afloat, like the apple of discord, in 
the grand council of Nieuw-Nederiandts — ac- 
cording to which sound principle of poi cy, it 
was deemed more expedient to throw away twen- 
ty thousand guilders upon an ineflicacious plan of 
defence, than thirty thousand on a good and sub- 
stantial one — the province thus making a clear 
saving of ten thousand guilders. 

But when they came to discuss the mode of 
defence, then began a war of words that baffles 
all description. The members being, as I obser- 
ved,^nlisted in opposite parties, were enabled 
to proceed with amazing system and regularity 
in the discussion of the questions before them. 
Whatever was proposed by a Long Pipe, was 
opposed by the w^hole tribe of Short Pipes, who 
like true politicians, considered it their first 
duty to effect the downfall of the Long Pipes — 
their second, to elevate themselves — and their 
third, to consult the welfare of the country. This 
at least was the creed of the most upright 
among the party ; for a? to the great mass, they 
19* 



'il8 PLANS ©F DEFENCE 

left the third consideration out of the questiou 
altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads, it is asto- 
nishing the number of projects for defence that 
were struck out, not one of which had ever been 
heard of before, nor has been heard of since, 
unless ijt be in very modern days — projects that 
threw the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft 
completely in the back ground. Still, however, 
nothing could be decided on, for so soon as a 
formidable host of air castles were reared by one 
party, they were demolished by the other — the 
simple populace stood gazing in anxiows expecta- 
tion of the mighty egg that was to be hatched 
with all this cackling, but they gazed in vain, for 
it appeared that the grand council was determi- 
ned to protect the province as did the noble and 
gigantic Pantagruel his [irmy — by covering it with 
his tongue. • 

Indeed there was a portion of the members 
consisting of fat, self-important old burghers, who 
smoked their pipes and said nothing, excepting 
to negative every plan of defence that was offer- 
ed. These were of that class of wealthy old 
citizens who, having amassed a fortune, button 
up their pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, 
and are good for nothing all the rest of their 
hves. Like some phlegmatic oyster, which hav- 
ing swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, settles 



NEGATIVED. 1tl9 

down in the mud, and parts with its life sooner 
than its treasure. Everj plan of defence seem- 
ed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with 
ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts, 
preying upon the public property — to fit out a 
naval armament was to throw their money into 
the sea — to build fortifications was to bury it in 
the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign 
maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no 
matter how much they were drubbed — A kick 
left no scar — a broken head cured itself — but 
an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest 
to heal, and one in which nature did nothing for 
the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages 
lavish away that time which the urgency of af- 
fairs rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and 
long winded speeches, without ever agreeing, 
except on the point with which they started, 
namely, that there was no time to be lost, and 
delay was ruinous. At length St. Nicholas, tak- 
ing compassion on their distracted situation, 
and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so 
ordered, that in the midst of one of their most 
noisy debates on the subject of fortification and 
defence, when they had nearly fallen to logger- 
heads in consequence of not being able to con- 
vince each other, the question was happily set- 
tled by a messenger, who bounced into the 



220 ARRIVAL OF THE ENEMf. 

chamber and informed them that the hostile 
fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing 
up the bay ! 

Thus was all farther necessity of either forti- 
fying or disputing completely obviated, and thus 
was the grand council saved a world of w ords, 
and the province a world of expense — a most 
absolute and glorious triumph of economy ! 



8ENERAL ALARM. 221 



CHAPTER VI. 



In lohich the troubles of New- Amsterdam ap' 
pear to thicken — Shozmng the braveri/, in time 
of peril, of a people who defend themselves by 
resolutions* 

Like as an assemblage of politic cats, en- 
gaged in clamorous gibberings, and catterwaul- 
ings, eyeing one another with hideous grimaces, 
spitting in each other's faces, and on the point 
of breaking forth into a general clapper-clawing, 
are suddenly put to scampering rout and confu- 
sion by the startling appearance of a house-dog 
— So was the no less vociferous council of New- 
Amsterdam, amazed, astounded, and totally dis- 
persed, by the sudden arrival of the enemy. 
Every member made the best of his way home, 
waddling' along as fast as his short legs could 
fag under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as 
he went with corpulency and terror. When he 
arrived at his castle, he barricadoed the street 
door, and buried himself in the cider cellar, 
without daring to peep out, lest he should have 
hi^ head carried off by a cannon ball. 

The sover^gn people all crowded into tlie 



222 FEARFUL UNCERTAINTY. 

market place, herding together with the instinct 
of sheep, who seek for safety in each other's 
company, when the shepherd and his dog are 
absent, and the wolf is prowling round the fold. 
Far from finding relief, however, they only in- 
creased each other's terrors. Each man looked 
ruefully in his neighbour's face, in search of en- 
couragement, but only found in its wo-begone 
lineaments, a confirmation of his own dismay. 
Not a word now was to be heard of conquering 
Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign 
virtues of economy — while the old women 
heightened the general gloom by clamorously 
bewailing their fate, and incessantly calling for 
protection on Saint Nicholas and Peter Stuy- 
vesant. 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the 
lion-hearted Peter ! — ^and how did they long for 
the comforting presence of Antony Van Corlear ! 
Indeed, a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate 
of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had 
elapsed since the alarming message from the 
governor, without bringing any farther tidings 
of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was 
hazarded as to what had befallen him and his 
loyal squire. Had they not been devoiired alive- 
by the cannibals of Marblehead and Cape Cod ! 
— were they not put to the question by the 
great council of Amphyctions ? — were they not 



PETER SUDDENLY APPEARS. 223 

mnothered in onions by the terrible men of Py- 
quag ? — In the midst of this consternation and 
perplexity, when horror, like a mighty night- 
mare, sat brooding upon the little, fat, plethoric 
city of New-Amsterdam, the ears of the multi- 
tude were suddenly startled by a strange and 
distant sound — it approached — it grew louder 
and louder — and now it resounded at the city 
gate. The public could not be mistaken in the 
well-known sound — A shout of joy burst from 
their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with 
dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, 
came galloping into the market place. 

The first transports of the populace having 
subsided, they gathered round the honest An- 
tony, as he dismounted from his horse, over- 
whelming him with greetings and congratula- 
tions. In breathless accents he related to them 
the marvellous adventures through which the old 
governor and himself had gone in fpaking their 
escape from the clutches of the terrible Am- 
phyctions. But though the Stuyvesant Manu- 
script, with its customary minuteness where 
any thing touching the great Peter is concerned, 
is very particular as to the incidents of this 
masterly retreat, yet the particular state of the 
public atTairs will not allow me to indulge in a 
full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that 
while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolv- 



224 HIS SECRET DECAMPMEM'. 

ing in his mind how he could make good his 
escape with honour and dignity, certain of the 
ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes 
touched at the eastern ports, to obtain needful 
supphes, and to call on the grand council of the 
league for its promised co-operation. Upon 
hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving 
that a moment's delaj were fatal, made a secret 
and precipitate decampment, though much did 
it grieve his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his 
back even upon a nation of foes. Many hair- 
breadth scapes and divers perilous mishaps did 
they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of 
trumpet, through the fair regions of the east. 
Already was the country in an uproar with hos- 
tile preparation, and they were obliged to take 
a large circuit in their flight, lurking along, 
through the woody mountains of the Devil's 
back bone ; from whence the valiant Peter sal- 
lied forth <^e day, like a lion, and put to rout 
a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three 
generations of a proHfic family, who were al- 
ready on their way to take possession of some 
corner of the New-Netherlands. Nay, the faith- 
ful Antony had great difficulty at -sundry times 
to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from 
descending down from the mountains, and fill- 
ing, sword in hand, upon certain of the border 



HIS FIRST MOVEMENTS. ^25 

towns, who were marshalling forth their draggle- 
tailed militia. 

The first movements of the governor on reach- 
ing his dwelhng, was to mount the roof, from 
whence he contemplated with rueful aspect the 
hostile squadron. This had already come to an- 
chor in the bay, and consisted of two stout fri- 
gates, having on board, as John Josselyn, Gent, 
informs us, " three hundred valiant red coats." 
Having taken this survey, he sat himself down 
and wrote an epistle to the commander, de- 
manding the reason of his anchoring in the har- 
bour without obtaining previous permission so 
to do. This letter was couched in the most dig- 
nified and courteous terms, though I have it 
from undoubted authority, that his teeth were 
clinched, and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon 
his visage all the while he wrote. Having des- 
patched his letter, the grim Peter stumped to 
and fro about the town, with a most war-beto- 
kening countenance, his hands thrust into his 
breeches pockets, and whistling a Low Dutch 
psalm tune, which bore no small resemblance to 
the music of a north-east wind, when a storm is 
brewing. — The very dogs as they eyed him 
skulked away in dismay — while all the old and 
ugly women of New-Amsterdam ran howling at 
liis heels, imploring him to save them from mur- 
der, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! 
VOL. II. 20 



226 TERMS OFFERED BY THE INVADERS. 

The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded 
the invaders, was couched in terms of equal 
courtesy with the letter of the governor^de- 
claring the right and title of his British Majesty 
to the province, where he affirmed the Dutch 
to he mere interlopers ; and demanding that the 
town, forts, &c. should he forthwith rendered 
into his majesty's obedience and protection — 
promising at the same time, life, liberty, estate, 
and free trade, to every Dutch denizen who 
should readily submit to his majesty's govern- 
ment. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epis- 
tle with some such harmony of aspect as we may 
suppose a crusty farmer, who has long been fat- 
tening upon his neighbour's soil, reads the loving 
letter of John Stiles, that warns him of an ac- 
tion of ejectment. The old governor, however, 
was not to be taken by surprise, but thrusting 
the summons into his breeches pocket, he stalk- 
ed three times across the room, took a pinch of 
snulT with great vehemence, and then loftily 
waving his hand, promised to send an answer 
the next morning. In the mean time he called 
a general council of war of his privy counsel- 
lors and burgomasters, not for the purpose of 
asking their advice, for that, as has been already 
shown, he valued not a rush : but to make known 



PETER CALLS A COUNCIL OF WAR. 227 

unto them his sovereign determination, and re- 
quire their prompt adherence. 

Before, however, he convened his council, he 
resolved upon three important points '^ first, never 
to give up the city without a little hard fighting, 
for lie deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity 
of so renowned a city, to sailer itt-elf to be cap- 
tured and stripped, W'ithout receiving a few kicks 
into the bargain. Secondly^ that the majority of 
his grand council was composed of arrant pol- 
troons, utterly destitute of true bottom — and, 
thirdly, that he would not therefore suifer them 
to see the summons of Col. Nichols, lest the easy 
terms it held out might induce them to clamour 
for a surrender. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a 
piteous sight to behold the late valiant burgo- 
masters, w ho had demolished the whole British 
empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out 
of their hiding places, and then crawling cau- 
tiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and 
alleys ; starting at every little dog that barked, 
as though it had been a discharge of artillery — 
mistaking lamp posts for British grenadiers, and 
in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing 
pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling blun- 
derbusvses at their bosoms ! Having, however, 
in despite of numerous perils and difficulties of 



-^8 THE GOUXCIL MEETS. 

gle man, at the hail of assembly, they took their 
scats, and awaited^in fearful silence the arrival 
of the governor. In a few moments the wooden 
leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular 
and stout-hearted thumps upon the stair case. 
— He entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit 
of regimentals, and carrying his trusty toledo, 
not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his 
arm. As the governor never equipped himself 
in this portentous manner, unless something of 
martial nature were working within his fearless 
pericranium, his council regarded him ruefully, 
as if they saw fire and sword in his iron counte- 
liance, and forgot to light their pipes in breath- 
loss suspense. 

The great Peter was as eloquent as he was 
valorous — indeed, these two rare qualities seem- 
ed to go hand in hand in his composition ; and, 
unlike most great statesmen, whose victories 
are only confined to the bloodless field of argu- 
ment, he was always ready to enforce his hardy 
words by no less hardy deeds. His speeches 
were generally marked by a simplicity, ap- 
proaching to bluntness, and by truly categorical 
decision. Addressing the grand council, he 
touched briefly upon the perils and hardships 
lie had sustained in escaping from his crafty 
foes. He next reproached the council, for wast- 
ing in idle debate, and party feuds, that time 



PETER^S NOBLE ADDRESS. 229 

which should have been devoted to their coun- 
try. He was particularly indignant at those 
brawlers, who, conscious of individual security, 
had disgraced the councils of the province by 
impotent hectorings and scurrilous invectives, 
against a noble and powerful enemy — those 
cowardly curs, who were incessant in their 
barkings and yelpings at the lion, while distant 
or asleep, but the moment he approached, were 
the first to skulk away. He now called on those 
who had been so valiant in their threats against 
Great Britain, to stand forth and support their 
vauntings by their actions — for it was deeds^ not 
words, that bespoke the spirit of a nation. He 
proceeded to recall the golden days of former 
prosperity, which were only to be gained by 
manfully withstanding their enemies ; for the 
peace he observed, which is effected by force of 
arms, is always more sure and durable than that 
which is patched up by temporary accommoda- 
tions. He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse 
their martial fire, by reminding them of the time . 
when, before the frowning walls of Fort Chris- 
tina, he had led them on to victory-^He strove 
likewise to awaken their confidence, by assur- 
ing them of the protection of St. Nicholas, who 
had hitherto maintained them in safety, amid all 
the savages of the wilderness, the witches and 
squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry- 
20* 



i230 THE BURGOMASTER'S DEMUR. 

land. Finally, he informed them of the insolent 
summons he had received to surrender, but con- 
cluded by swearing to defend the province as 
long as heaven was on his side, and he had a 
wooden leg to stand upon. Which noble sen- 
tence he emphasized by a tremendous thwack 
with the broad side of his sword upon the table, 
that totally electrified his auditors. 

The privy counsellors, who had long been ac- 
customed to the governor's way, and in fact had 
been brought into as perfect discipline as were 
ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, saw that 
there was no use in saying a word — so lighted 
their pipes and smoked away in silence hke fat 
and discreet counsellors. But the burgomasters 
being less under the governor's control, consi- 
dering themselves as representatives of the so- 
vereign people, and being moreover inflated 
with considerable importance and self-sufficien- 
cy, which they had acquired at those notable 
schools of wisdom and morality, the popular 
meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Muster- 
ing up fresh spirit, when they found there was 
some chance of escaping from their present 
jeopardy, without the disagreeable alternative 
of fighting, they requested a copy of the sum- 
mons to surrender, that they might show it to a 
general meeting of the people. 

So insolent and , mutinous a request w^ould 



THEY CALL A PUBLIC MEETING. 231 

have been enough to have roused the gorge of 
the tranquil Van Twiiler himseh^ — what then 
must have been its effect upon the great Stuy- 
vesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a gover- 
nor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, 
but withal a man of the most stomachful and 
gunpowder disposition. He burst forth into a 
blaze of noble indignation, — swore not a mo- 
ther's son of them should see a syllable of it — 
that they deserved, every one of them, to be 
hanged, drawn and quartered, for traitorously 
daring to question the infallibility of govern- 
ment — that as to their advice or concurrence, 
he did not care a whiff of tobacco for either — 
that he had long been harassed and thwarted 
by their cowardly counsels ; but that they might 
thenceforth go home, and go to bed like old wo- 
men ; for he was determined to defend the co- 
lony himself, without the assistance of them or 
their adherents ! So saying, he tucked his sword 
under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, 
and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly 
out of the council charQjjser — every body making 
room for him as he passed. 

No sooner had he gone than the busy burgo- 
masters called a public meeting in front of the 
Stadt-house, where they appointed as chairman 
one Dofue Roerback, a mighty gingerbread-ba- 
ker in the land, and formerlv of the cabinet of 



232 THE gingerbread-baker's speech. 

William the Testj. He was looked up to with 
great reverence by the populace, who consider- 
ed him a man of dark knowledge, seeing he 
was the first that imprinted new -year cakes with 
the mysterious hieroglyphics of the Cock and 
Breeches, and such like magical devices. 

This great burgomaster, who still chewed the 
cud of ill-will against the valiant Stuy vesant, in 
consequence of having been ignominiously kick- 
ed out of his cabinet at the time of his taking 
the reins of government — addressed the greasy 
multitude ifi what is called a patriotic speech, 
in which he informed them of the courteous 
summons to surrender — of the governor's refu- 
sal to comply therewith — of his denying the 
public a sight of the summons, which, he had no 
doubt, contained conditions highly to the ho- 
nour and advantage of the province. 

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency 
in high sounding terms, suitable to the dignity 
and grandeur of his station, comparing him to 
Nero, Caligula, and those other great men of 
yore, who are generally ^quoted by popular ora- 
tors on similar occasions. Assuring the people, 
that the history of the world did not contain a 
despotic outrage to equal the present, for atro- 
city, cruelty, tyranny, and blood-thirstiness — 
that it would be recorded in letters of fire, on 
the blood-stained tablet of history! that ages 



HOW PETER TREATED THE MEMORIAL. 233 

would roll back with sudiieD horror when they 
came to view it! That the womb of time — (by 
the way your orators and writers take strange 
hberties with the womb of time, though some 
would fain have us believe that time is an old 
gentleman) — that the womb of time, pregnant as 
it was with direful horrors, would never pro- 
duce a parallel enormity ! — With a variety of 
other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and 
figures which I cannot enumerate — Neither, in- 
deed, need I, for they were exactly the same 
that are used in all popular harangues and pa- 
triotic orations at the present day, and may be 
classed in rhetoric under the general title of 
Rigmarole. 

The speech of this inspired burgomaster 
being finished, the meeting fell into a kind of 
popular fermentation, which produced not only 
a string of right wise resolutions, but likewise a 
most resolute memorial, addressed to the go- 
vernor, remonstrating at his conduct — which 
was no sooner handed to him, than he handed it 
into the fire ; and thus deprived posterity of an 
invaluable document, that might have served as 
a precedent to the enlightened cobblers and tai- 
lors of the present day, in their sage iutermcd- 
d lings with politics. 



• 
134 Peter's wrath and resolution. 



CHAPTER VII. 

Containing- a doleful disaster of Antony the 
Trumpeter — And ho7v Peter Stuyvesant^ like 
a second CronnoelU sziddenli/ dissolved a rump 
Parliament, 

Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt 
shower down a pannier load of benedictions 
upon his burgomasters, for a set of self-willed, 
obstinate, headstrong varlets, who would neither 
be convinced nor persuaded; and determined 
thenceforth to have nothing more to do with 
them, but to consult merely the opinion of his 
privy counsellors, which he knew from experi- 
ence to be the best in the world — inasmuch as 
it never differed from his ovv n. Nor did he omit, 
now that his hand was in, to bestow some thou- 
sand left-handed compliments upon the sove- 
reign people ; whom he railed at for a herd of 
poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious 
hardships and illustrious njisadventures of bat- 
tle — but would rather stay at home, and eat and 
sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality 
and a broken head by valiantly fighting in a 
ditch. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his 



MISSION OF VAN CORLEAR. 235 

beloved city, in despite even of itself, he called 
unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his 
right-hand man in all times of emergency. Him 
did he adjure to take his war-denouncing trum- 
pet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the 
country, night and day. — Sounding the alarm 
along the pastoral borders of the Bronx — start- 
ling the wild solitudes of Croton — -arousing the 
rugged yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboeken 
— the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay* — 
and the brave boys of Tarry Town and Sleepy 
Hollow — together with all the Other warriors of 
the country round about; charging them one 
and all to sling their powder horns, shoulder 
their fowling pieces, and march merrily down 
to the Manhattoes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the 
divine sex excepted, that Antony Van Corlear 
loved better than errands of this kind. So just 
stopping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to 
his side his junk bottle, we?! charged with heart- 
inspiring Hollands, he issued jolHiy from the 
city gate, that looked out upon what is at pre- 
sent called Broadway ; sounding as usual a 
farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes 
through the winding streets of New-Amsterdam 

* A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of In- 
dians which boasted 150 fighting men. See Ogilbv's History 



236 HIS LUCKLESS FATE. 

— Alas I never more were they to be gladdened 
by the melody of their favourite trumpeter ? 

It was a dark and stormy night when the 
good Antony arrived at the famous creek (sage- 
ly denominated Haerlem river) which separates 
the island of Manna-hatta from the main land. 
The wind was high, the elements were in an 
uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry 
the adventurous sounder of brass across the wa- 
ter. For a short time he vapoured like an impa- 
tient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethinking 
himself of the urgency of his errand, took a 
hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
valorously that he would swim across, en spijt 
den Duyvel (in spite of the devil !) and daringly 
plunged into the stream. — Luckless Antony ! 
scarce had he buffeted half way over, when he 
was observed to struggle violently, as if bat- 
tling with the spirit of the waters — instinctively 
he put his trumpet to his mouth, and giving a 
vehement blast — sunk for ever to the bottom ! 

The potent clangour of his trumpet, like \\\e 
ivory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, 
when expiring in the glorious iields of Ronces- 
valles, rung far and wide through the country, 
alarming the neighbours round, who hurried in 
amazement to the spot — Here an old Dutch 
burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had 
been a witness of the fact, related to them the 



^' SPIKING DEVIL." 23t 

melancholy affair ; with the fearful addition (to 
which I am slow of giving belief) that he saw 
the duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, 
seize the sturdy Antony by the leg, and drag 
him beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place, 
with the adjoining promontory, which projects 
into the Hudson, hag been called Spijt den duy- 
vel^ or Spiking devil, ever since — the restless 
ghost of the unfortunate Antony still haunts 
the surrounding sohtudes, and his trumpet has 
often been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy 
night, mingling with the howling of the blast. 
Nobody ever attempts to swim over the creek 
after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been 
built to guard against such melancholy accidents 
in future — and as to moss-bonkers, they are held 
in such abhorrence, that no true Dutchman will 
admit them to his table, who loves good fish and 
hates the devil. 

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear — 
a man deserving of a better fate. .He lived 
roundly and soundly, like a true and jolly 
bachelor,^Rtil the day of his death! but though 
he was never married, yet did he leave behind 
some two or three dozen children, in different 
parts of the country — fine chubby, brawling, 
flatulent little urchins, from whom, if legends 
speak true, (and they are not apt to lie,) did 
descend the innumerable race of editors who 

VOL. II. 21 



238 GRIEF OF THE GOVERNOR 

people and defend this country, and who are 
bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a 
constant alarm — and making them miserable. 
Would that they inherited the worth, as they do 
the wind, of their renowned progenitor ! 

The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe 
imparted a severer pang to the bosom of Peter 
Stuyvesant, than did even the invasion of his be- 
loved Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to 
those sweet ailections that grow close around the 
heart, and are nourished by its warmest cur- 
rent. As some lorn pilgrim, while the tempest 
whistles through his locks, and dreary night is 
gathering around, sees stretched cold and life- 
less, his faithful dog — the sole companion of his 
journeying, who had shared his solitary meal, 
and so often licked his hand in humble grati- 
tude — so did the generous-hearted hero of the 
Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of his 
faithful Antony. He had been the humble at- 
tendant of his footsteps — he had cheered him in 
many a heavy hour by his honest gayety, and 
had followed him in loyalty ana affection 
through many a scene of direful peril and mis- 
hap — he was gone for ever — and that too at a 
moment when every mongrel cur seemed skulk- 
ing from his side — This — Peter Stuyvesant — 
this was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and 
this was the moment when thou didst indeed 
shine forth^— Peter the Headstroiwl 



AT Antony's untimely end. 539 

The glare of day had long dispelled the hor- 
rors of the last stormy night; still all was dull 
and gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his 
face behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out now 
and then, for an instant, as if anxious, yet fear- 
ful, to see what was going on in his favourite 
city. This was the eventful morning when the 
great Peter was to give his reply to the summons 
of the invaders. Already was he closeted with 
his privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding 
over the fate of his favourite trumpeter, and 
anon boiling with indignation as the insolence of 
his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. 
While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived 
in all haste from Winthrop, the subtle governor 
of Connecticut, counselling him in the most p.f- 
fectionate and disinterested manner to surrender 
the province, and magnifying the dangers and 
calamities to which a refusal would subject him. 
— What a moment was this to intrude officious 
advice upon a man who never took advice in 
his whole life ! — The fiery old governor strode 
up and down the chamber, with a vehemence 
that made the bosoms of his counsellors to quake 
with awe — railing at his unlucky fate, that thus 
made him the constant butt of factious subjects 
and Jesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill chosen juncture, the officious 
burgomasters, who were now completely on 



3-40 PETER PROROGUES A SEETIXG 

the watch, and had heard of the arrival of mys- 
terious despatches, came marching; in a reso- 
lute body into tlie room, with a legion of sche- 
peu£ and toad-eaters at their heels, and abruptly 
demanded a perusal of the letter. Thus to be 
broken in upon by what he esteemed a " rascal 
rabble,'' and that, too. at the ver>- moment he 
vras grinding under an irritation from abroad, 
was too much for the spleen of the choleric Pe- 
ter. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces* — 
threw it in the face of the nearest burgomaster 
— ^broke his pipe over the head of the next — 
hurled his spitting box at an unlucky schepen. 
who was just making a masterly retreat out at 
the door, and finally prorogued the whole meet- 
i.;j ««e die, by kicking them down stairs with 
his wooden leg. 

As soon as the bunromasters could recover 
from the confusion into which their sudden exit 
had thrown them, and had taken a little time to 
breathe, they protested against the conduct of 
the i£Overnor. which they did not hesitate to pro- 
nounce tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly in- 
decent, and somewhat disrepectful. They then 
called a public meeting, where they read the 
protest, and addressing the assembly in a set 
speech, related at full lengthf and vfith appro- 

* SmJtL's History of Xew-York, 



WITH HIS WOODEV LEG. 24t 

priate colouriDg and exaggeration, the despotic 
and vindictive deportment of the governor : de- 
claring that, for their own parts, they did not 
value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and 
mauled by the timber toe of his excellency, but 
they felt for the dignity of the sovereign people, 
thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed 
on the seat of honour of their representatives. 
The latter part of the harangue had a violent 
effect upon the sensibihty of the people, as it 
came home at once to that dehcacy of feeling 
and jealous pride of character, vested in all true 
mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries with- 
out a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of 
their sovereign dignity — and there is no know- 
ing to what act of resentment they might have 
been provoked against the redoubtable Peter, 
had not the greasy ro^es been somewhat more 
afraid of their sturdy old governor than they 

were of St. Nicholas, the English— orthe D 1 

himself. 






"242 A SUBLIME spectacle;- 



CHAPTER VIII. 

How Pete?' Stuyvesant defended the city of New-^ 
Amsterdam for several days by dint of the 
strength of his head* 

There is something exceedingly sublime and 
melancholy in the spectacle which the present 
crisis of our history presents* An illustrious and 
venerable little city — the metropolis of an im- 
mense extent of uninhabited country — garri- 
soned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen, 
committee-men, burgomasters, schepens and 
old women — governed by a determined and 
strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud 
batteries, pallisadoes, and resolutions — blocka- 
ded by sea, beleagifered by land, and threatened 
with direful desolation from without ; while its 
very vitals are torn with internal faction and 
commotion ! Never did historic pen record a 
page of more complicated distress, unless it be 
the strife that distracted the Israelites during 
the siege of Jerusalem — where discordant par- 
ties were cutting each other's throats at the 
moment when the victorious legions of Titus 
had toppled down their bulwarks, and were car- 



Peter's gallant letter. 24S 

rying fire and sword into the very sanctum sanc- 
torum of the temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as 
has been recorded, put his grand council to the 
rout, and thus dehvered himself from a multitude 
of impertinent advisers, despatched a categorical 
reply to the commanders of the invading squad- 
ron ; wherein he asserted the right and title of 
their High Mightinesses the Lords States General 
to the province of New-Netherlands, and trusting 
in the righteousness of his cause, set the whole 
British nation at defiance ! My anxiety to extri- 
cate my readers and myself from these disastrous 
scenes, prevents me from giving the whole of this 
gallant letter, which concluded in these manly 
and affectionate terms : 

" As touching the threats in your conclusion, 
*' we have nothing to answer, only that we fear 
" nothing but what God (who is as just as merci- 
" ful) shall lay upon us ; all things being in his 
" gracious disposal, and we may as well be pre- 
" served by him with small forces, as by a great 
" army ; which makes us to wish you all happi- 
" ness and prosperity, and recommend you to 
" his protection. — My lords, your thrice humble 
^* and affectionate servant and friend, 

" P. Stuyvesant." 

Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet,^ 
the brave Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols ijii 



244 TEMPTING TERMS OFFERED. 

his belt, girded an immense powder horn on his 
side — thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot, 
and clapping his fierce little war hat on the top 
of his head — paraded up and down in front of 
his house, determined to defend his beloved citj 
to the last. 

While all these woful struggles and dissen- 
tions were prevailing in the unhappy city of 
New-Amsterdam, and while its worthy, but ill- 
starred governor was framing the above quoted 
letter, the English commanders did not remain 
idle. They had agents secretly employed to fo- 
ment the fears and clamours of the populace ; 
and moreover circulated far and wide, through 
the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating 
the terms they had already held out in their 
summons to surrender, and beguiling the simple 
Nederlanders with the most crafty and concilia- 
ting professions. They promised that every man 
who voluntarily submitted to the authority of 
his British Majesty, should retain peaceable 
possession of his house, his vrouw, and his cab* 
bage-garden. That he should be suffered to 
smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many 
breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, 
and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manu- 
facturing them on the spot. — That he should on 
no account be compelled to learn the English 
language, or keep accounts in any other way 



THE POPULACE ARE SEDUCED. 245 

than by casting them up on his fingers, and 
chalking them down upon the crown of his hat ; 
as is still observed among the Dutch yeomanry 
at the present day. That every man should be 
allowed quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, 
shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other personal ap- 
pendage, and that- no man should be obliged to 
conform to any improvements, inventions, or 
any other modern innovations ; but on^the con- 
trary, should be permitted to build his house, 
follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, 
and educate his children, precisely as his an- 
cestors did before him since time immemorial. — 
Finally, that he should have all the benefits of 
free trade, and should not be required to ac- 
knowledge any other saint in the calendar than 
Saint Nicholas, who should thenceforward, as 
before, be considered the tutelar saint of the 
city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared 
very satisfactory to the people, who had a great 
disposition to enjoy their property unmolested, 
and a most singular aversion to engage in a con- 
test, where they could gain httle more than 
honour and broken heads — the first of which 
they held in philosophic indifference, the latter 
in utter detestation. By these insidious means, 
therefore, did the English succeed in alienating 
tiie confidence and affections of the populace 



^46 HOSTILITIES THREATENED. 

from their gallant old governor, whom they con- 
sidered as obstinately bent upon running them 
into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesitate 
to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most 
heartily — behind his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus, v^^ho though assail- 
ed and buffeted by roaring waves and brawHng 
surges, still keeps on an undeviating course ; and 
though overwhelmed by boisterous billows, still 
emerges from the troubled deep, spouting and 
blowing with tenfold violence — so did the inflexi- 
ble Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined 
career, and rise, contemptuous, above the cla- 
mours of the rabble. 

But when the British warriors found, by the 
tenor of his reply, that he set their power at de- 
fiance, they forthwith despatched recruiting offi- 
cers to Jamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and 
Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns on 
Long-Island which had been subdued of yore by 
the immortal Stoffel Brinkerhoif ; stirring up the 
valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, and Deter- 
mined Cock, and those other illustrious squat- 
ters, to assail the city of New-Amsterdam by 
land. In the mean while the hostile ships made 
awful preparation to commence an assault by 
water. 

The streets of New- Amsterdam now present- 
ed a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In 



DISMAY IN NEW-AMSTERDAM, 247 

vain did the gallant Stuyvesant order the citi- 
zens to arm and assemble in the public square 
or market place. The whole party of Short Pipes 
in the course of a single night had chaaged into 
arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be 
paralleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as 
having happened at Rome at the approach of 
Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, 
goats were converted into sheep, and cocks 
turning into hens ran cackling about the streets. 

The harassed Peter, thus menaced from with- 
out, and tormented from within — baited by the 
burgomasters, and hooted at by the rabble, 
chafed and growled and raged like a furious 
bear tied to a stake and worried by a legion 
of scoundrel curs. Finding, however, that all 
further attempts to defend the city were vain, 
and hearing that an irruption of borderers and 
moss troopers was ready to deluge him from the 
east, he was at length compelled, in spite of his 
proud heart, which swelled in his throat until 
it had nearly choked him, to consent to a treaty 
of surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the 
people, on receiving this agreeable intelligence ; 
had they obtained a conquest over their ene- 
mies, they could not have indulged greater de- 
light — The streets resounded with their con- 
gratulations — they extolled their governor as the 



^48 CAPITULATION AGREED O^. 

father and deliverer of his country — they crowd- 
ed to his house to testify their gratitude, and 
were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, 
than when he returned, with victory perched 
upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of 
Fort Christina — But the indignant Peter shut 
his doors and windows, and took refuge in the 
innermost recesses of his mansion, that he might 
not hear the ignoble rejoicings of the rabble. 

In consequence of this consent of the gover- 
nor, a parley was demanded of the besieging 
forces to treat of the terms of surrender. Accord- 
ingly a deputation of six commissioners was ap- 
pointed on both sides, and on the 27th August, 
1 664, a capitulation highly favourable to the pro- 
vince, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was 
agreed to by the enemy, who had conceived a 
high opinion of the valour of the Manhattoes, 
and the magnanimity and unbounded discretion 
of their governcrr. 

One thing alone remained, which was, that 
the articles of surrender should be ratified, and 
signed by the governor. When the commission- 
ers respectfully waited upon him for this pur- 
pose, they were received by the hardy old 
warrior with the most grim and bitter courtesy. 
His warlike accoutrements were laid aside — an 
old India night gown was wrapped about his 
Tugged Umbs, a red night cap overshadowed his 



Peter's MAttNANiMous refusal to sign it. !24f 

frowning brow, and an iron gi-aj beard, of three 
days growth, gave additional grimness to his vi- 
sage. Thrice did he seize a httle worn out stump 
of a pen, and essay to sign the loathsome paper — 
thrice did he cUnch his teeth, and make a most 
horrible countenance, as though a pestiferous 
dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipecacuanha, had 
been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing it from 
him, he seized his brass hilted sword, and jerking 
it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd 
sooner die than yield to any power under heaven. 
In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy 
resolution — menaces, remonstrances, revilings 
were exhausted to^ no purpose — for two v.'hole 
days was the house of the valiant Peter besieged 
by the clamorous rabble, and for two whole days 
did he partake himself to his arms, and persist in 
a magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation. 
At leui^th the populace, finding that boisterous 
measures did but incense more determined op- 
position, bethought themselves of an humble ex- 
pedient, by which, happily, the governor's ire 
might be soothed, and his resolution undennined. 
And now a solemn and mournful procession, 
headed by the Burgomasters and Schepens, and 
followed by the populace, moves slowly to the 
governor's dwelling, bearing the capitulation. 
Here they found the stout old hero, drawn up 
like a giant into his castle, the doors strongly 

VOL. II. 2-2 



250 roerback's harangue. 

barricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with 
his cocked hat on his head, firmly posted with a 
blunderbuss at the garret window. 

There was something in this formidable po- 
sition that struck even the ignoble vulgar with 
awe and admiration. The brawHng multitude 
could not but reflect with self-abasement upon 
their own pusillanimous conduct, when they be- 
held their hardy but deserted old governor, thus 
faithful to his post, hke a forlorn hope, and fully 
prepared to defend his ungrateful city to the 
last. These compunctions, however, w^ere soon 
overwhelmed by the recurring tide of public ap- 
prehension. The populace arranged themselves 
before the house, taking off their hats, with most 
respectful humility. — Burgomaster Roerback, 
who was of that popular class of orators de- 
scribed by Sallust, as being " talkative rather 
than eloquent," stepped forth and addressed the 
governor in a speech of three hours length •, de- 
tailing in the most pathetic terms the calamitous 
situation of the province, and urging him in a 
constant repetition of the same arguments and 
Vv'ords to sign the capitulation. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his little 
garret window in grim silence^ — now and then 
his eye would glance over the surrounding rab- 
ble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry 
mastiff, would mark his iron visage. — But though 



PETER FINALLY YIELDS. 251 

he was a man of most undaunted mettle — though 
he had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that 
would have set adamant to scorn — yet after all 
he was a mere mortal : — wearied out by these 
repeated oppositions and this eternal haranguing, 
and perceiving that unless he complied, Ihe in- 
habitants would follow their own inclinations, or 
rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, 
he testily ordered tl)em to hand up the paper. 
It was accordingly hoisted to him on the end of u 
pole, and having scrawled his name at the bottom 
of it, he anathematized them all for a set of cow- 
ardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons — threw the 
capitulation at their heads, slammed down the 
window, and was heard stumping down stairs 
with the most vehement indignation. The rab- 
ble incontinently took to their heels ; even the 
burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the 
premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue 
from his den, and greet them with some unwel- 
come testimonial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a le- 
gion of British beef-fed warriors poured into 
New-Amsterdam, taking possession of the fort 
and batteries. And now might be heard, from 
all quarters, the sound of hammers made by the 
old Dutch burghers, who were busily employed 
in nailing up their doors and windows, to protect 
their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, whom 



Z^'^ EXTJIANCE OF THE BRITISH. 

they contemplated in silent sullenness from the 
garret windows, as they paraded through the 
streets. 

Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the command- 
er of the British forces, enter into quiet posses- 
sion of the conquered realm as locum tenens for 
the Duke of York. The victory was attended 
with no other outrage than that of changing 
Ihc name of the province and its metropolis, 
which thenceforth were denominated New-York, 
and so have continued to be called unto the pre- 
sent day. The inhabitants, according to treaty, 
were allowed to maintain quiet possession of their 
property ; but so inveterately did they retain their 
abhorrence of the British nation, that in a private 
meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimous- 
ly determined, never to ask any of their conquer- 
ors to dinner. 



RKTlkEMENT OF PETER »TUYVESANT. 253 



CHAPTER IX. 

Containing the dignijied retirement, and mortal 
surrender of Peter the Headstrong. 

Thus, then, have I concluded this great his- 
torical enterprize ; but before I lay aside mj 
weary pen, there yet remains to be performed 
one pious duty. If among the variety of read- 
ers that may peruse this book, there should 
haply be found any of those souls of true nobih- 
ty, which glow with celestial fire at the history 
of the generous and the brave, they will doubt- 
less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant 
Peter Stuy vesant. To gratify one such sterling 
heart of gold, I would go niore lengths than to 
instruct the cold'-blooded curiosity of a whole 
fraternity of philosophers. 

No sooner had that high mettled cavalier 
signed the articles of capitulation, than, deter- 
mined not to witness the humiliation of his 
favourite city, he turned his back on its walls 
and made a growling retreat to his Bouwen/, 
or country seat, which was situated about two 
22* 



254 HIS CONDUCT 

miles off; where he passed the remainder of his 
days in patriarchal retirement. There he enjoy- 
ed that tranquillity of mind, which he had never 
known amid the distracting cares of govern- 
ment; and tasted the sweets of absolute and 
uncontrolled authority, which his factious sub- 
jects had so often dashed with the bitterness of 
opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to re- 
visit the city — on the contrary, he would always 
have his great arm chair placed with its back to 
the windows which looked in that direction ; until 
a thick grove of trees planted by his own hand 
grew up and formed a screen that effectually 
excluded it from the prospect. He railed con- 
tinually at the degenerate innovations and im- 
provements introduced by the conquerors — for- 
bade a word of their detested language to be 
spoken in his family, a prohibition readily obey- 
ed, since none of the household could speak any 
thing but Dutch — and even ordered a fine ave- 
nue to be cut down in front of bis house, because 
it consisted of Enjfcsh cherry trees. 

The same incessant vigilance that blazed 
forth when he had a vast province under his- 
care, now showed itself with equal vigour, 
though in narrower limits. He patrolled with 
unceasing watchfulness around the boundaries 
of his little territory, repelled every encroach- 



IN HIS RETREAT. 255 

ment with intrepid promptness ; punished every 
vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his 
farm -yard with inflexible severity — and conduct- 
ed every stray hog or cow in triumph to the 
pound. But to the indigent neighbour, the friend- 
less stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spa- 
cious doors were ever open, and his capacious 
fire-place, that emblem of his own warm and 
generous heart, had always a corner to receive 
and cherish them. There was an exception to 
this, I must confess, in case the ill-starred ap- 
plicant was an Englishman or a Yankee, to 
whom, though he might extend the hand of 
assistance, he could never be brought to yield 
the rites of hospitality. Nay, If peradventure 
some straggling merchant of the east should 
stop at his door, with his cart load of tin ware 
or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue 
forth like a giant from his castle, and make such 
a furious clattering among his pots and kettles, 
that the vender of " notions'''^ was fain to betake 
himself to instant flight. 

His handsome suit of regimentals, worn thread- 
bare by the brush, were carefully hung up in the 
state bed chamber, and regularly aired in the first 
fair day of every month — and his cocked hat 
and trusty sword were suspended in grim re- 
pose over the parlour mantle-piece, •forming 
supporters to a full-length portrait of the re- 



256 HIS FESTIVITIES 

nowned Admiral Von Tromp. In his domestic 
empire he maintained strict disciphne, and a 
well-organized, des|)otic government; but though 
his own will was the supreme law, yet the good 
of his subjects was his constant object. He 
watched over, not merely their immediate com- 
forts, but their morals and their ultimate wel- 
fare ; for he gave them abundance of excellent 
admonition, nor could any of them complain, 
that, when occasion required, he wa^ by any 
means niggardly in bestowing wholesome cor- 
rection. 

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical 
demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a 
thankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse 
among my fellow citizens, were faithfully ob- 
served in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. 
New-year was truly a day of open-handed libe- 
rality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted con- 
gratulation — when the bosom seemed to sAvell 
with genial good-fellowship — and the plenteous 
table was attended with an unceremonious free- 
dom, and honest broad-mouthed merriment, un- 
known in these days of degeneracy and refine- 
ment. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously ob- 
served throughout his dominions ; nor was the 
day of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by without 
making presents, hanging the stocking in the 
chimney, and complying with all its other cere- 
monies. 



AND ANNIVERSARIES. 257 

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used 
to array himself in full regimentals, being the 
anniversary of his triumphal entry into New- 
Amsterdam, after the conquest of New-Sweden. 
This was always a kind of saturnalia among the 
domestics, when they considered themselves at 
liberty, in some measure, to say and do what 
they pleased ; for on this day their master was 
always observed to unbend, and become exceed- 
ing pleasant and jocose, sending the old gray- 
headed negroes on April fool's errands for pi- 
geon's milk ; not one of whom but allowed him- 
self to be taken in, and humoured his old 
master's jokes as became a faithful and well 
disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, hap- 
pily and peacefully on his own land — injuring no 
man — envying no man — molested by no outward 
strifes ; perplexed by no internal commotions — 
and the mighty monarchs of the earth, who were 
vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote 
the welfare of mankind by war and desolation, 
would have done well to have made a voyage to 
the httle island of Manna-hatta, and learned a 
lesson in government from the domestic econo- 
my of Peter Stuy vesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor, 
like all other children of mortality, began to ex- 
hibit tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, 
which, thgugh it long has braved the fury of the 



258 HIS DECLINE 

elements, and still retains its gigantic propor- 
tions, jet begins to shake and groan with every 
blast — so was it with the gallant Peter; for though 
he still bore the port and semblance of what he 
was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, 
jet did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour 
of his frame — but his heart, that most uncon- 
querable citadel, still triurophed unsubdued. 
With matchless avidity would he listen to every 
article of intelligence concerning the battles be- 
tween the English and Dutch — Still would his 
pulse beat high whenever he heard of the vic- 
tories of De Ruyter — and his countenance lower, 
and his eye brows knit, when fortune turned in 
favour of the English. At length, as on a certain 
day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was 
napping after dinner, in his arm chair, conquer- 
ing the whole British nation in his dreams, he 
was suddenly aroused by a fearful ringing of 
bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, 
that put all his blood in a ferment. But when 
he learnt that these rejoicings *were in honour 
of a great victory obtained by the combined 
English and French fleets over the brave De 
Ruyter, and the younger Von Tromp, it went 
so much to his heart, that he took to his bed, 
and, in less than three days, was brought to 
death's door by a violent cholera morbus ! But 
even in this extremity he still displayed the 



AND ILLNESS. 25& 

unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong ; 
holding out, to the last gasp, with the most in- 
flexible obstinacy, against a whole army of old 
women, who were bent upon driving the enemy 
out of his bowels, after a true Dutch mode of 
defence, by inundating the seat of war with cat- 
nip and pennyroyal. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of 
dissolution, news was brought him, that the 
brave De Ruyter had suffered but httle loss — 
had made good his retreat — and meant once 
more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing 
eye of the old warrior kindled at the words — 
he partly raised himself in bed — a flash of mar- 
tial fire beamed across his visage — he clinched 
his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe 
that sword which waved in triumph before the 
walls of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile 
of exultation, sunk back upon his pillow and 
expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant sol- 
dier — a loyal subject — an upright governor, and 
an honest Dutchman — who wanted only a few 
empires to desolate to have been immortalized 
as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with 
the utm^t grandeur and solemnity. The town 
was perfectly emptied of its inhabitants, who 
crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honours 



260 HIS DEATH AND FUNERAL. 

to their good old governor. All his sterling qua- 
lities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, 
while the memory of his foibles and his faults 
had expired with him. The ancient burghers 
contended who should have the privilege of 
bearing the pall; the populace strove who should 
walk nearest to the bier — and the melancholy 
procession was closed by a number of gray- 
headed negroes, who had wintered and sum- 
mered in the household of their departed master 
for the greater part of a century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances the mul- 
titude gathered round the grave. They dwelt 
with mournful hearts on the sturdy virtues, 
the signal services, and the gallant exploits of 
the brave old worthy. They recalled, with se- 
cret upbraidings, their own factious opposi- 
tions to his government — and many an ancient 
burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never 
been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten — 
was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and 
the big drop to steal down his cheek — while he 
muttered, with affectionate accent and melan- 
choly shake of the head — " Well den ! — Hard- 
koppig Peter ben gone at last !" 

His remains were deposited in the family 
vault, under a chapel, which he had piously 
erected on his estate, and dedicated to St. Ni- 
cholas — and which stood on the identical spot 



HELIQUES OF PETER. 261 

at present occupied by St, Mark's Church, 
where his tomb stone is still to be seen. His 
estate, or Bouwery, as it was called, has ever 
continued in the possession of his descendants, 
who, by the unifonn integrity of their conduct, 
and their strict adherence to the customs and 
manners that prevailed in the " good old times^'''^ 
have, proved themselves wofthy of their illus- 
trious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the 
farm been haunted at night by enterprizing 
money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold, said to 
have been buried by the old governor — though -: 
1 cannot learn that any of them have ever beeii 
enriched by their researches — and who is there, 
among my native-born fellow citizens, that does 
not remember, when in the mischievous days of 
his boyhood, he conceived it a great exploit to 
rob " Stuyvesant's orchard" on a holiday after- 
noon. 

At this strong hold of the family may still be 
seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. 
His full length portrait frowns in martial ter- 
rors from the parlour vrall — his cocked hat and 
sword still hang up in the best bed room — His 
brimstone coloured breeches were for a long 
while suspended in the hall, until some years 
since they occasioned a dispute between a new 
married couple — And his silver mounted wooden 
leg is still treasured up in the store room, as an 
invaluable relique. 

VOL. II. 23 



262 REFLECTIONS. 



CHAPTER X. 

The author'' s reflections upon what has been said. 

Among the numerous events, which are each 
in their turn the most direful and melancholy 
of all possible occurrences, in your interesting 
and authentic history, there is none that occa- 
sions such deep and heart-rending grief as the 
decline and fall of your renowned and mighty 
empires. Where is the reader who can contem- 
''plate, without emotion, the disastrous events by 
which the great dynasties of the world have 
been extinguished ? Vvliile wandering, in imagi- 
nation, among the gigantic ruins of states and em- 
pires, and marking the tremendous convulsions 
that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of the 
melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy com- 
mensurate to the surrounding desolation. King- 
doms, principalities, and powers, have each had 
their rise, their progress, and their downfall — 
each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre — 
each has rtturned to its primeval nothingness. 
And thus did it fare with the empire of their 
High Mightinesses, at the Manhattocs, under 
the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter — the 
fretful reign of William the Testy, and tlie chi- 
vahic reign of Peter the Headstrong. 



SALUTARY WARNINGS DRAWN 263 

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and wor- 
thy of being pondered over attentively ; for it 
is by thus raking among the ashes of departed 
greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge are 
found, and the lamp of wisdom illumined. Let 
then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn 
against yielding to that sleek, contented security, 
that overweening fondness lor comfort and re- 
pose, that are produced by a state of prosperity 
and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation, to 
destroy its pride of character; to render it 
patient of insult, deaf to the calls of honour and 
of justice, aud cause it to cling to peace, like 
the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of 
every valuable duty and consideration. Such 
supineness ensures the very evil from which it 
shrinks. One right yielded up produces the 
usurpation of a second ; one encroachm.ent pas- 
sively suffered makes way for another ; and the 
nation that thus, through a doting love of peace, 
has sacrificed honour and interest, will at length 
have to fight for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of Wilham the Testy 
serve as a salutary warning against that fitful, 
feveiish mode of legislation, that acts without 
system; depends on shifts and projects, and 
trusts to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates, 
and wavers, and at length decides with the 
rashness of ignorance and imbecility. That 
stoops for popularity by courting the prejudices 



264 FROIrf THIS AUTHENTIC HISTORY. 

and flattering the arrogance, rather than com- 
manding the respect of the rabble. That seeks 
i»afety in a multitude of counsellors, and dis- 
tracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes 
and opinions. That mistakes procrastination 
for deliberate wariness — hurry for decision — 
starveling parsimony for wholesome economy — 
bustle for business, and vapouring for valour. 
That is violent in council — sanguine in expec- 
tation—precipitate in action, and feeble in exe- 
cution. Tliat undertakes enterprizes without 
forethought — enters upon them without prepara- 
tion — conducts them without energy, and ends 
Ihem in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuy vesant show the 
fiffects of vigour and decision, even when Tles- 
titute of cool judgment, and surrounded by 
perplexities. Let it show how frankness, probi- 
ty, and high-souled courage will command re- 
spect, and secure honour, even where success is 
unattainable. But at the same time, let it cau- 
tion against a too ready reliance on the good 
faith of others, and a too honest confidence in 
the loving professions of powerful neighbours, 
who are most friendly when they most me-un to 
betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the 
opinions and wishes of the many, who, in times 
of peril, must be soothed and led, or apprehen- 
sion will overpower the deference to authority. 

Let the empty wordiness of his factious sub- 



HOW TO MANAGE THE MANV. 265^ 

jects ; their intemperate harangues ; their vio- 
lent " resolutions;" their hectorings against an 
absent enemy, and their pusillanimity on his 
approach, teach us to distrust and despise those 
clamorous patriots, whose courage dwells but in 
the tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to re- 
press that insolence of speech, destitute of real 
force, which too often breaks forth in popular 
bodies, and bespeaks the vanity, rather than the 
spirit of a nation. Let them caution us against 
vaunting too much o^' our own power and prow- 
ess, and reviling a noble enemy. True gallantry 
of soul would always lead us to treat a foe with 
courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary con- 
duct but takes from the merit of victory, and 
renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excel- 
lent examples to be drawn from the ancient 
chronicles of the Manhattoes. He who reads 
attentively will discover the threads of goldy 
which run throughout the web of history, and 
are invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But 
before I conclude, let me point out a solemn 
warning, furnished in the subtle chain of events 
by wi]ich the capture of Fort Casimir has pro- 
duced the present convulsions of our globe. 

Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain de- 
duction, which if thou art a king, an empe- 
rorf or other powerful potentate, I advise thee 
to treasure up in thy heart — though little ex- 



266 EFFECTS OF THE CAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR, 

pectation have I that my work will fall into 
such hands, for well I know the care of crafty 
ministers, to keep all grave and edifying books 
of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs 
— lest peradventure they should read them and 
learn wisdom. 

By the treacherous siirprisal of Fort Casimir, 
then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient 
triumph; but drew upon their heads the ven- 
geance of Peter Stiiyvesant, who wrested all 
New-Sweden from their hands. By the con- 
quest of New-Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant arous- 
ed the claims of Lord Baltimore ; who appealed 
to the Cabinet of Great Britain; who subdued 
the whole province of New-Netherlands. — By 
this great achievement, the whole extent of 
North America from Nova Scotia to the Flo- 
ridas, was rendered one entire dependency 
upon the British crown — but mark the conse- 
quence : — The hitherto scattered colonies being 
thus consolidated, and having no rival colonies 
to check or keep them in awe, waxed great and 
powerful, and finally becoming too strong for 
the mother country, were enabled to shake off 
its bonds, and by a glorious revolution beUame 
an independent empire. But the chain of ef- 
fects stopped not here ; the successful revolution 
in America produced the sanguinary revolution 
in France, which produced the puissant B(^a- 
parte, who produced the French despotism, which 



GAUSE OF THE TRENCH REVOLUTION. 26f 

has thrown the whole world in confusion ! — Thus 
have these great powers been successively pun- 
ished for their ill-starred conquests — and thus, as 
I asserted, have all the present convulsions, re- 
volutions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind, 
originated in the capture of the little fort Casi- 
mir, as recorded in this eventful history. 

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad fare- 
well — which alas I must be forever — willingly 
would I part in cordial fellowship, and bespeak 
thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I have 
not written a better history of the days of the 
patriarchs is not my fault — had any other person 
written one as good, I should not have attempted 
it at all. That many will hereafter spring up 
and surpass me in excellence, I have very little 
doubt, and still less care; well knowing, when 
the great Christovaljo Colon (who is vulgarly 
called Columbus) had once stood his egg upon 
its end, every one at table could stand his up a 
thousand times moi-e dexterously. — Should any 
reader find matter of offence in this history, I 
should heartily grieve, though I would on no ac- 
count question his penetration by telling him he 
is mistaken — his good nature by telling him he 
is captious — or his pure conscience bv (t-fiijjo 
him he is startled at a shadow. — Surel} 
so ingenious in finding offence wliv^lo i-0!<- u 
tended, it were a thousand pities he should not be 
^utTered to enjoy the benetit of his discovery. 



268. THE author's parting words. 

I have too high an opinion of the understand- 
ing of my fellow citizens to think of yielding 
them any instruction ; and 1 covet too much 
their good will, to forfeit it by giving them good 
advice. I am none of those cynics who despise 
the world because it despises them — on the con- 
trary, though but low in its regard, I look up to 
it with the most perfect good nature, and mj |j|||| 
only sorrow is, that it does not prove itself more " • ■ 
worthy of the unbounded love I bear it. 

If, however, in this my historic production — ipji 
the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life — I ii{l| 
have failed to gratify the dainty palate of the age, *'! 
I can only lament my misfortune — for it is too 
late in the season for me even to hope to repair 
it. Already has withering age showered his ste- 
rile snows upon my brow ; in a httle while, and 
this genial warmth which still lingers around my 
heart, and throbs — worthy reader — throbs kind- 
ly towards thyself, will be chilled for ever. Hap- 
ly this frail compound of dust, which while alive 
may have given birth to nought but unprotitable 
weeds, may form a humble sod of the valley, from 
whence may spring many a sweet wild flower to 
;> Jorn my beloved Island of Manna-hata ! ^^ 



FINIS. 



